All I can hope for is for me to get better, because all I can take is no more...

So I have a new strategy, just post at least once per calendar year. The end of the year seems an appropriate time to reflect.

The First Apology

What has happened since the last post? Well I graduated from my college program (barely), and I finally broke up with Katherine (about three weeks after my last post). I had to do it over Facebook because previous in person conversations had not had the desired effect. Katherine if you are ever reading this, I am sorry I wasn't honest with you sooner, I'm sorry I didn't try harder, you deserved better.

After that I went back to my summer job and got promoted to supervisor mid season, but not before hooking up with a coworker and briefly becoming enamored with them. I had a few flings throughout the summer, only one notable one however, Stephanie.

The Apology Two: The Apologeninging(?)

Stephanie is (was?) a kind, pretty, and patient human being and just an absolute sweetheart, and like an asshole I ruined that too. We met on tinder, and because I was just off of a long term relationship I was wary of settling down too soon, or at least that is what I've told myself. Now I'm fairly certain its blossomed into a full on phobia of commitment.

Anyways we agreed to a non-monogamous fling (although I'm pretty sure she wasn't seeing anyone else), I dated around a bit, but as time went on I began to feel guilty and started to consider becoming exclusive, we pretty much were anyways, however before that determination was made something happened.

I met up with a girl I had matched with on tinder, she was from Paris and was in town for the night with her friend. We chatted for a bit before heading back to her and her friends hotel room, we made out for a bit and went back to my place. Before heading back to my place I explicitly stated that I wasn't interested in sex (I almost started to write a reason why, but the reason doesn't matter), and that I was only interested in cuddling and making out.

We had had a few drinks each that night, and while neither of us were drunk, we were both under the influence to some extent. After some making out she asked if I wanted to have sex, I again explicitly said no. She continued on and continued to pressure me and eventually climbed on top of me and just did it. Now I am not a small man, and part of me wanted to push her off, but for some reason my arms stopped working, I just froze. I just stayed there until it was over.

The days and weeks and months following the event were difficult. I had a lot of conflicting feelings. I knew I didn't want the sex, but I had finished. Did that mean I liked it? Did that make it ok? It can't be rape if you finish right? Can men be raped?

It took me a long time to get over that, and before I did I felt tremendous guilt for "cheating" on Stephanie. We weren't officially a thing but I still felt like a piece of shit. That's a part of why I broke up with her a few weeks later on October 19th 2017, the other reason being that much like Katherine, I didn't love her.

I don't think I have ever felt worse about something I've done, as I did about breaking up with her. It was at my place and she was spending the night. I worked up the courage and just said it out loud, we talked for a bit and she choked back some tears and I told her she could stay the night and that I hoped we could still be friends. There were no buses and neither of us had cab money so she stayed and tried to sleep. Instead she woke (me) up sobbing every few hours until her friend woke up and came and picked her up. Stephanie if you ever read this, I am sorry. You deserved much better and I hope you have found happiness in the time since. It's also been over a year between the events and me writing it and I may have missed some key details.


From October to November of 2017 I spent most of my time at my grandparents house as my uncle had gone crazy and my grandparents feared for their safety, but while I was there I still had tinder and I still was able to swipe on girls from my town. This is when I came across a profile that would change everything.

The Third Apology, Pt. 1: A New Hope

Her name was Hilary, and I had actually matched with her about a year prior. My first encounter however had actually seen her in public at an ultimate Frisbee game (before my own game), and thought she was absolutely stunning and briefly toyed with the idea of asking her before I decided I was a coward.

 It was a few days afterwards when we matched for the first time and I was super excited, we chatted for a bit and even planned a date but she never replied day of and it didn't happen. Also important to note that I was still recovering from Ruth, and she was actually a friend of Ruth's (not super close just former coworkers).

Anyways here I am a year later and I see her again on Tinder and we match and I immediately freak out, I sent a message and just prayed and prayed and wished that she would reply. I continued to do this for each reply, convinced at some point she would stop replying and I would have blown my chance. But she didn't, and we actually set up a date. I was so excited, I texted two close friends and asked for advice on what to wear and some first date tips, and patiently (ish) awaited the day. The entire day of the planned date I was nervous that she would cancel or ghost last minute, but she didn't.

Pt. 2: The date

A brief side note about me, dating and "sparks". I had been in three relationships prior to this. With my first I stayed for almost three years because I had no idea what love was and I thought I'd be alone forever anyways. I then met Ruth, and as soon as I saw her I just felt this "click" or "spark" it was immediate and I knew that I liked this girl, however being young and stupid I didn't realize what my feelings were until it was too late and even then she ended up cheating on me. My next relationship was with Katherine and it was fine, but lacked any emotion on my part. Ever since Ruth and I broke up I would always look back to the moment that we met, and briefly remember that feeling. But between breaking up with Ruth and breaking up with Katherine almost two years had passed, and that memory had been stretched thin and started to fade heavily.

We supposed to meet up at Coffeeco (a coffee place in my city). I had some trouble finding the place but still managed to get there stupid early. I waited nervously trying not to panic, until I saw her text "here", I spotted her and walked over. That's all it took. I fell instantly, she was without a doubt the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in person. I felt that spark I had felt before. It had been so long since that feeling, I had honestly forgotten what it felt like and started to doubt it ever existed at all.

We chatted for a bit and despite being super nervous it went well. We decided to go for a walk along the water and chat some more and after about 30 minutes or so, she asks if I am hungry and if I would like to get dinner. It was the night of the Arkells concert in my city, and almost all of the restaurants downtown were full. We did however manage to find a small tavern with seats open, we begin to sit down and as we take off our jackets a live smooth jazz band starts playing on stage about 15 feet away. I could not have planned that date better if I had tried. I had fish and chips with a long island iced tea, and she had fish tacos and a glass of wine. We chatted a bit more, I paid and I then offered to walk her home. We talked more and played "36 questions to fall in love" (not that I needed any help), everything this girl said was absolutely amazing. She was driven, passionate, sporty, kind, and I was absolutely smitten. I walked her to the door of her house and we kissed for a bit, and then I cabbed home, quite literally unable to contain my glee.

The next few days were a whirlwind, I had never been so obsessed with a girl in my life (maybe with Maddie way way way back), and especially not with a girl who was also interested in me. I couldn't control my emotions, I still worried that she would ghost me or just stop talking to me, which was exacerbated by the fact that she would take hours to reply to messages, but we ended up going out a few more times but very spread out because she had work and school, but I didn't care. I was in love, and it came at a time when I was so ready to leave the dating world behind, and settle down with someone for good.

I want to paint this picture of this perfect girl, but she wasn't. If I had a list of attributes and personality traits that make up the perfect woman she'd have all of them. Every. Single. One. That's what made this suck even more.

We never got to spend time together, she was always busy, and part of me wanted to believe it was because she was legitimately too busy. In reality she may have been busy, and she may have had anxiety, but if she wanted to see me more, then she could have. She would apologize for not messaging back or messaging at all sometimes, again there may have been reasons but if she cared enough it wouldn't have mattered. I was crazy about this girl so I ignored all of the warning signs, and sometimes even read into messages that she would send (specifically when she said "I adore you").

Pt. 3: The end.

Anyways after about 3 months I receive a message saying she wants to be friends, and that she can't balance dating and school. I am devastated. I try to be understanding and supportive and we meet up to talk about it, but its over. I walk her home and we hug. I hold on for a long time trying to stop time with my brain (it didn't work).

"See you later", she says.
I return with "Goodbye Hilary", and she laughs
"Don't be silly, we will see each other again"
"Do you know the difference between au-revoir and adieu in french?" I joke.
"Nope."
"In that case, adieu."

We haven't spoken in person since. We chatted a bit over Facebook, pretty sparingly until June when she stopped replying.

The following months were hard. I couldn't get her out of my head, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, it was awful. I tried to bury my feelings in alcohol and women. Weirdly enough it didn't work out very well. I'd have a few weeks where I'd forget, and I'd feel better, and then I'd see a social media post pop up in my feed and have to detox all over again, so I deleted her from everything and got rid of her number so I wouldn't drunk text her, that seemed to be the most effective.

That worked out well until while heading to a date, I walked by her and a guy who I assume was her date, I didn't realize at first until she had walked by, but by then she was too far away to say hi (not that I wanted to). It felt like I had been hit by a train, it happened again at a bar months later she walked by (with the same guy), and I fell into a pit of self pity. The worst part of that for me was that it was the same guy implying that it wasn't a fluke the first time and that they were an item.

Pt. 4: The Twist

There was a lot of conflicting feelings in my head for awhile, I want her to be happy, but I am also petty and want her to suffer like I did. Not only that, it was difficult to reconcile the thought that the girl I loved, and I thought at least felt similar, didn't even care about me enough to spend time or even chat with me. This long rant is basically to get all of these feelings out and put them in order, hopefully to get passed them.

Finally, Hilary. If you ever read this, I am sorry. I am sorry things didn't work out. I am sorry that I put you on a pedestal. I am sorry that I wasn't enough. I do want you to be happy, and I hope that during that semester of hell you went through that I didn't add any grief.

Apology 4: Epilogue.

To me. If I ever read this again, or show it to anyone. I am sorry, that I didn't see all of the red flags. I am sorry that instead of seeking help I tried to self destruct. I am sorry that I didn't try to write this all down sooner.

To my friends, I am sorry you have had to listen to the same shit year after year, the same problems, unfolding the same way, ignoring your advice.
'
All I can say is that I will do better. This is my year.

Post #2 to follow in the next few days. Thanks for listening,

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

So this is 2017... after the shit show that was 2016. Whats new with me? Well same old same old, I am here to weigh in on my own issues and attempt to work through them. Or as Mother Mother put it: "There's a million, billion, trillion stars, but I'm down here low, fussing over scars on my soul".

The rest of 2016 wasn't great, I ended up re-hooking up with Ruth in like March? Got an STD that has since been resolved, and went back into the dating world (i.e. Tinder). It didn't go great I lived pretty far out of town and that made meeting up difficult, and I couldn't for the life of me get a second date so hook ups were few and far between. I did end up jumping into a relationship because of loneliness and hating the dating scene (more on this later).

I raised 2 litters of kittens, and almost a 3rd but I had to give them up because one died (it was heartbreaking he died on the way to the shelter), and the others were not fairing well.

 I passed my first year of college, and had a productive summer of work at the goalie school I've been working at the past few summers. I got promoted and got a bunch more responsibilities which was awesome and fun.

Now I've been dating Katherine since late June. Now for some reason I can't get attached. She's smart, pretty, outgoing, a university graduate, with a great future. But for some reason I have no feelings whatsoever. 

Essentially I have decided to break up with her but haven't gotten around to actually doing it. But tonight might have changed that. I watched a movie that helped give me the push I might need. It's happened before. 

The first movie was Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, that helped give me the push with Chelsea. and I also associate the movie Goon with helping with some Ruth related decisions, and now the movie in the title of this post has helped me realize how little time I have to be dicking around not making decisions. It has to be this weekend, it's been far too long.

After all I don't have infinite time to find my end of the world buddy.

I guess I'll see you in a year? Who knows maybe more than one update in the next year.

"Everyday, It's a Getting Close, Faster Than a Roller Coaster, Love Like Yours Will Surely Come My Way"

Well it's that time of night, when my thoughts turn inward towards reflection and I get all nostalgic and decide I need another post.

What's happened since last I wrote? Well I continued on my tinder spree, I ended up sleeping with 4 different girls from April to July. Around that time I became a little disillusioned with the whole tinder scene and settled down with a girl. Which sounds crazy I know, I find it somewhat ironic that while I was in a relationship I was afraid of leaving because I would be alone forever, now I am afraid to enter in a relationship afraid that I will be stuck again.

The girl I picked at the time is absolutely gorgeous. I knew she was something special the first time I met her. She has long red hair, and freckles, she's maybe 5'6'' and very slender. She's a Queens graduate, and very funny, and she plays sports. We met for coffee and went for a walk along the water. The second date we met at her apartment and watched Netflix, we watched, Friends, Bridesmaids, and parts of the Big Lebowski. A lot of it was missed due to distractions. We met a few more times after this, and it was really fun. I enjoyed spending time with her, and after awhile my tinder matches dried up, another girl I was seeing at the time, was always to busy to spend time with me, a third girl decided she didn't want to see me if I was seeing other people, and I realized not only was this situation no longer fun, but that the girl I wanted to spend all my time with happened to be the last one I was still seeing.

She was the first to admit to having feelings (this was before I stopped tindering), and I told her I felt the same way. It wasn't just sex, I actually enjoyed my time with her. So after the aforementioned sickness with tinder I asked her if she wanted to date exclusively and she said yes. We were dating each other and no one else but we weren't official (I guess the only difference really is a label). I took her to the annual summer party and she met all of my friends which was awesome, and about a week later we added the label.

So then we dated until about 3 weeks ago when she left to visit her family on a trip to England.

Apologies everything before this point was written in September of 2015, now that the story is done I can come back and finish it.

So about 2 weeks before she left (this is approximate I have since lost my recorded messages) she had been acting a tad distant, She had asked if she could download Tinder again, and my heart sank. Not wanting to be a possessive jealous person and make her feel trapped I relented I said something along the lines of: "Sure as long your not planning on chatting with them", I don't remember what happened after that but I think it basically became do whatever you want.

Now if I'm being honest at the time I was feeling a bit flighty myself, I thought I might not be ready to be in a relationship and with her text that kind of pushed me away a bit as well, and I think it was just the perfect combination for the following. Then about a week before she left we ended up agreeing to go on a break while she was gone and we would consider what we wanted to do, Either to end it, or restart it.

So as she left in the middle of August, I began to ponder what I wanted, and as I visited family I began to realize my feelings had grown for her a lot more than I had thought. We chatted maybe about a week in and continued to chat almost daily until she came back.

When she came back I laid it all out, I told her how I felt and that I didn't think I could go back to the open relationship thing, and that I wanted to be with her and only her. Her response was lukewarm, she wasn't up for it. So we agreed to part ways and that was that. For about a week. In that time I slept with a girl who to this day is the only person I regret sleeping with. It was not worth it.

I received a message from her about a week later :"I miss you". That essentially led to a few weeks of casual sex, and things seemed to be going well, I would sleep at her house some nights and we would cuddle and things would be good. We talked a bit about getting back together she was pout off that I had slept with one person even though we weren't together and again when I slept with the second girl, so that delayed things a bit and I was still on the fence at that point as well. That's when the bomb dropped.

The next time I came over she said she wanted to talk. She had been hesitant at first, but I encouraged her and said whatever it is, I'm sure it's fine. She had cheated on me. I was confused, we weren't dating she didn't really cheat on me. She reiterated: "Before I left for England".  Then there was nothing. Just a calm where the rage should have been, just emptiness where the sadness should have been. Just a dead look on my face where words should have been. I laid there for a few moments before she asked if she could hug me. I said sure. I felt strangely unaffected. Just kind of quiet. We chatted for a bit and then left. I also lost my soccer game that night to a team we should have beaten. It wasn't a good night,

The next few weeks we continued seeing each other even though we both knew it was a bad idea. I struggled a bit, trying to decide if we did get back together whether I could look past that she had cheated, and not be suspicious of her in the future. But things got better. We started going on actual dates, out for dinner, out for a movie (the newest James Bond at the time (Specter)), and it was nice. I remembered why I had fallen for her in the first place. For a while things were looking good. I thought there might be a chance at rekindling.

A about a month later I met up with her after work, we went down to Lone-star and had a nice meal. We held hands walking back to her place. We laid in her bed and cuddled, eventually  she said: (conversational approximate)
 "How long have we been doing this?"
"What do you mean?" I replied.
"I mean this, we've been doing this for longer than we were ever together." She stated.
"Well yea but it's not that bad right? Are you not enjoying this?" I asked.
"I don't know if I can keep doing this, I don't want to be with other guys and still be hung up on you" She answered.
"Well shit... I mean are you saying you don't want to do this anymore?" I asked afraid of the answer.
"I... I think so." She replied sheepishly.

This whole conversation came out of nowhere we were having a great time, and I thought things were going well. I honestly thought we might be on the path to getting back together.

She said we had to delete each others numbers and text conversations so we wouldn't be tempted to contact each other again. I asked if she wanted me to leave and find another place to sleep that night. She said she did. I asked if she didn't want a few minutes of cuddling (and also sex because I'm being honest), she said she didn't think it was a good idea. She asked me if I wanted the hockey socks I gave her, and I said she should keep them. She said something about seeing them would make her sad, and I said that she should keep them still. I hugged her and left (I don't think we kissed). That was about December 10th. 2015. I sent her a good bye text, that I have since lost. I also sent her a Facebook message:

"Hey roux, I wanted to send this in a text but I forgot to before I lost your number. I just wanted to say I really enjoyed the time I did get to spend with you, short as it was. I hope you succeed in whatever you do and hope that you have a good life and find the happiness that you deserve. I don't know if it showed but I was really sad that tonight was our last time together and I think my last text didn't really didn't express how I felt. This is going to be a rough few weeks for me. Again, all the best to you and whatever you do. -Calvin (Lord Poobottom III) McLellan"

There was no reply. The next few weeks were tough, I spent a long time thinking about her. Missing her. I ended up deleting and blocking her from my Facebook and deleting her from my snap-chat so I wouldn't be tempted to contact her. 

This continued until a few weeks ago when I got drunk and drunk unblocked and added her on Facebook, she accepted the next day. Then I managed to maintain radio silence until last night when I drunk messaged her. It was going well at first, just catching up on each others lives as we hadn't chatted in over 2 months. Then the conversation got quiet, and I sent her this:

"I miss you."

No reply. Fuck.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, but I followed it up with: 

"Annnnd I'm sorry I sent that. Drunk texting is part of why I try not t drunk much."

You know it's a bad drunk text when you realize it was a mistake while still drunk. Still no reply.

In the morning I managed a bit of damage control and apologized, to which she replied.

For the last 2 months I've been feeling lost, I had no closure, it was so sudden, and the forced no messaging rule made it really tough. I couldn't figure it out. What happened? Why the sudden change? I needed to message her, maybe that will take away the obsession. It didn't. So I figured I would finish this entry. It has been a bit cathartic, and going over exactly what happened helps a bit. But I am still hung up on her. I still see her when I close my eyes sometimes. I have vivid flashbacks of her, and I am nearly brought to my knees. I think I see her on the street and I am unable to think of anything else for the rest of the day. I can't wait for this to stop. I want to just put her out of my mind and move on but its taking a long time.

I have since been trying to fill the hole in my life with more girls and some alcohol and school but it does a piss poor job. I am ready for a relationship, but all the girls I meet have the same problem, they aren't her. I still miss her. Fuck. 

On another note I passed my first semester of college and am on pace to pass the second semester as well. Here's to the future. Maybe I'll update more than twice this year?

Freedom and Reflection

Updates are sporadic is a bit of an understatement. It's been over half a year since I updated this blog. Things are going well. I finally did what I said I wanted to do for almost 2 years and broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago, and so far the single life has been quite fun. I've also got a new job, and as of this post am down almost 70 lbs since December 2013.

At first I was terrified that when I broke up with my girlfriend that I would be stuck single, scared, and alone again for years, it's one of the main reasons I waited so long. After we broke up I downloaded tinder since I had some good things and so far have done quite well. I have had a bunch of dates and a few flings here and there (nothing serious), and am really enjoying the single life in a way only someone who has been trapped in a relationship for 3 years can. The dating part was difficult at first it was hard to talk to people I didn't know and I was still awkward at making moves, but each time it got a little easier and after a few weeks it didn't bother me at all. I think a large part of it is my self confidence, since I've lost so much weight and gotten into shape I feel so much better about myself, it's a driving factor in moving forward with my life.

I have a new job as I mentioned previously, I am working as a franchise manager for a window cleaning company, it's much more work than I had anticipated and the pay isn't quite what I had hoped but I can still work at my goalie school this summer so that's a plus. The job is taking it's toll however the increased work load is conflicting with my laziness, I worked hard this winter/spring to improve on my procrastination problem and I am still having issues. I managed to finish my Biology course with a 90.9% giving me just barely a 4.0 average and guaranteeing my spot in my college course for the summer, and that was a great motivation in me accepting this job. It was a test to see if I could really handle a full college course load. I am struggling to run this business, and am pretty sure I will just barely meet my contractual obligations.

The goalie school I work for also had their annual training seminar this past weekend and it was interesting. I know I messed up on the verbal test, I had everything I wanted to say laid out and got flustered and fucked it all up, I think I did ok on the written though. There's a chance I'll make instructor but I'll more likely be bumped up to intern instructor. I'm not ready to be instructor though, I think one more summer and I will be ready.

I also won the championship for my hockey league this year! This is a great improvement from when I played 2 years ago. In 2013 I played and my team finished last out of 4 teams. This year my team finished first out of 6 teams and won the championship. We finished 6-1-0 in the regular season. I led the league in games played, wins, and goals against average. I found working at the goalie school really helped. I am also playing goalie for soccer this year and so far we won our first 2 games and tied our last one 1-1. So far over the 3 games I've let in only one goal. Things are looking up!

More updates later this month I am hoping. Stay tuned darkness.

"I Wanna Go Back, And I Don't Even Know How I Got Off The Track..."

So things are still good, I'm working part time as a goalie coach, I have started the course I need to go back to school, and I am on track to applying for this September, all in all things are pretty good.

I've made some headway on some life decisions, I am going to break up with my current girl friend, March is my goal date. I realized if I've spent 90% of the relationship wondering if I should leave then I should probably leave. I delayed this long because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I didn't really have a good reason for leaving. Hopefully I can find the words to make this easier.

I am playing hockey 3-5 times a week and I am really improving, I feel like every ice time I improve on some aspect of my game or another. I am down 50 pounds since last December and I want to continue that trend.

I still miss her. I saw picture of her on Facebook today, she was standing next to what I assume is her boyfriend, both in front of a sign that said "Chile", she looked happy, and I guess I'm happy that's she's happy. I forgot how badly seeing a picture of her could ruin my mood.

I want to be single again, this time I want to find someone who shares some of my interests, maybe is athletic, someone who can help me be a better person, more than anything I just want to be single for awhile and appreciate it in a way that I never could before.

I've been listening to the Weezer album Pinkerton and it's been helpful in pushing me towards that decision, hell I've attributed the whole album to one girl in particular, on top of it pushing me towards this choice.

I CAN do Anything

About a year and a half ago I was incredibly unhappy. Stuck in a job I hated every second of, stuck in an apartment I could barely afford, dropped out of college with no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

I since decided that I want hockey to be a main part of my life, and have been trying to get work as a goalie coach, and as of today I am now instructing for a goalie school near me. I am at a disadvantage as I never really played growing up so I am about 15 years behind most people. I am going to try to go back to school in september, and if I do well in that program I may continue with my education and try for physiotherapy, and incorporate that into my resume as a goalie coach, or supplement my income with it. Life is good. more on this later.

Motivation Comes From Within ( or I Can Do Anything)

Allow me to explain,

As a hockey goaltender I play in arguably one of the most difficult positions in all of sports. One in which my exact positioning is so crucial that being off by as much as 1 or 2 inches can lead to the other team scoring, and sometimes all it takes is one goal to lose the entire game, or sometimes the season. Sometimes in games I get shelled, and it's all I can do to just keep getting up after each shot, or continuing to put effort in after 1 or 2 bad goals. It's becomes very easy to attribute how well you do with your entire self worth (I played like shit, I am shit).

 Sometimes you can give each and every play every ounce of effort you have, and make no mistakes and still lose, and that is okay. This is probably one of the most important things to learn, and can be applied to almost any situation or sport: Your worth as a human being is not determined with your success, but rather your ability to persist, even when success eludes you.

Which brings me to motivation, i.e. your reason to persist. As I said earlier motivation comes from within, and what I mean by that is; regardless of external factors only you can decide whether or not to persist. Speeches can be written and pep talks given, but when it comes down to it, when every breath you take burns, when every muscle in your body aches, and hope seems lost, only you can decide to keep going. What reason can you call upon to get back up, to push yourself just a bit further? Look deep down and find that reason. Maybe it's your anger, maybe it's someone who told you that you can't, or maybe you just hate losing. Whatever it is, find your reason, call upon that reason. Bury your pain, and dig for that extra inch, take the best you can do and do better. Understand that all it takes is the decision, your decision to keep going. Nothing more and nothing less. So what's your reason?

Which brings me to a story:

I was playing some hockey earlier this year, and had a really bad game, I let in a bunch of bad goals and just played horribly. I came back to the dressing room all down on myself, when I heard two other players chatting. One was saying to the other that they hadn't seen him in a while. The other replied that his fiancee had been diagnosed with cancer 6 months prior and that she had passed away only the day before. I gave up after 2 or 3 bad goals and resigned myself to self pity after for the rest of the game, and here this man is, the day after his fiancee's death out playing hockey. We can choose to feel bad for ourselves or we can choose to move on.