"I don't sleep.... ANYMORE, I don't eat.... ANYMORE, I don't feel.... ANYMORE"

So yea that one chick and I never really connected but I did find someone else quite personable and cute, and were going to go see a movie next week. So that's a plus and right now I'm at peace with the whole Maddie thing, so that's all I'm going to say about that right now.



I will however tangent on how I'm worried about this movie date. I have no experience with girls, and if she seems like a decent person there will be some issues in trying to step up for a relationship, and I'm not sure how up front I should be with the whole no experience, not good at connecting emotionally thing.


I just got back from floor hockey which is what I'm using to hone my goal-tending skills before I try out for a league in September. I am feeling much more confident about my skills/ reflexes, I'm  learning my angles and using them more now, I am purchasing new equipment as I can afford it. So I feel really good about working out and getting in shape and trying for a goal of mine. Today I feel like I nearly died of exhaustion, partly due to three layers I wear in midsummer, my t-shirt, my chest pad, and my jersey. Partially because its two hours straight of work out and we had lots of people today which meant we have enough to sub out players which means they were getting breaks and coming back refreshed when usually they burn out by the end, I stuck it out for as long as I could, I had trouble getting back up after saves, and then a hard time breathing, and I felt like puking, and then I decided to call it quits when I thought I was going to completely break down and die. So exercise is feeling good can't wait for next week.

Everytime Brain (composure regained +3 to everything)

Where was I? Oh yes that's right I can't fucking sleep. Not that I'm not tired, I close my eyes and it feels like every other part of me is asleep my legs and arms weary, and my eyes heavy. But my mind just won't stop, and it's not even thinking of anything in particular, sometimes it's random things, and sometimes it's the same thing repeatedly all night (I found a solution which I call resetting, more on that later).

Oh right since this blog is mostly about her, I feel updates are in order. So on my friends birthday last weekend (or the one before that), one of my friends stole my phone and messaged Maddie that I had a crush on her (yay grade school assholery). To be fair he sent it to all the females on my contact list, I say females because I never know whether to say girls or women and I figure that it covers my bases, anyway this was good news because it gave me plausible deniability, if she said anything which she did.

"hey calvin,
so i don't know who had your phone last night or if what they said was true, but just so you know, i'm still dealing with a lot of shit with ******... and whether or not we end up staying together, i'm not in any state of mind to get involved with anyone else anytime soon, you know?
i really enjoy your company and our friendship, i hope it can stay the same!"

So that was pretty painful to read. It was nothing short of what I expected, but what I expected and what I hoped for were two soul crushingly different things. In a way I'm happy I can try to move on, I say try because I'm pretty obsessive. I also feel somewhat cheated, I kinda feel like if I had been the one to say it, to use my words, to express my feelings, out loud to someone else in person, so someone I care about, would have been... beneficial? I'm not sure it would change anything but the fact that I didn't means I still have this tiny tumor of doubt lodged in my self-conscious. *sigh* this probably means I have to go through and completely destroy our friendship, this has yet to be determined however. I still haven't hung out with her since, and I keep delaying asking her to hang out, I feel like it's pointless now.

(I know I don't need to start a new paragraph, but I'm trying to break up the wall of text and am too lazy to edit) and I'm not sure if I think it's pointless because I no longer have any semblance of hope, which in itself is terrible, which means I was only after a relationship, and the friendship meant nothing or very little, which means the memories probably aren't all they are cracked up to be. Or I keep putting off communicating with her because every time I think about her time disappears and my heart fees like its pumping mud through my veins.

So I guess I still have at least one more update on that whole mess.

SKIP THIS NEXT SECTION IT' DULL

I was thinking the other day when I bitching about connecting with people. Someone told me all I had to do was open up. Which apparently is the easiest thing in the world the way people go on about it. WHAT ARE THE STEPS INVOLVED IN THIS PROCESS? Do you just spew everything that you think or feel on to anyone who will listen? Do you confide your terrible secrets to strangers? Or maybe these are questions that need to be asked to you. I think to myself I could tell these people anything. What do you want to know motherfuckers, I hide nothing.

Which brings me to point #1. I am completely full of shit. You could ask me the weather outside (because either you're blind or my fat ass is blocking the window) and 999 times out of 1000 I'd lie. Not because I secretly get off on people blindly opening umbrellas for a sunny day, actually I don't know why. It's fun to me, I like making people believe things, I guess manipulating them, even the petty bullshit is funny to me.

Point #2.
I deflect so much, it's becoming my hobby. If I don't lie to you about the question asked, then I definitely deflected it, either to buy myself time to think up a lie or to shift the blame, or to distract you. Questions like "how are you?" trigger an immediate reflex response of "fine and yourself" just so I don't have to put effort into answering. So if you did ask me something personal I'd deploy one of the above tactics.

Point #3.
I've tried. When it comes to opening up, I usually end up thinking "I'm trying, is it not working?" Part of me wants to be able to meet new people and not have to wait forever to feel comfortable around them, and another part of me is unwilling to trust people. Which I guess has gotten better over time. I'm sick of writing this moving on.

YOU MAY CONTINUE READING NOW

A new hope:

So as I may or may not have stated I am currently using a dating site, and I saw someone really interesting, and  I took the time to reorganize my profile so that it looked somewhat decent, and I took some more time an thought out a message and prayed for a response, and she did. She said she was off  to work and would  give a better response later. Two days ago. So I think that's a no go. It's also not what I'm talking about when I say a new hope.

I finally started to commit to trying to achieving my dream, I spent some money on some goalie gear,  which is awesome because now when I play floor hockey I can die of heat! But actually it offers more protection and I figure if I buy a few pieces at a time then I can have it all ready in time for ice hockey to start. The only problem is that its bulky as shit, and it made me move at half speed and really clumsily and it felt like it weighed 20 pounds on each arm. I suppose it's something I'll get used to.

And if you read all of this, you need to go out and get a job, seriously. Also I want my money from Catherine.

I'm not so sure I miss this

GAH what the fuck is this??? I can't think fucking straight at all. I remember now my motivation behind my little venture. I miss the peace. I'm half torn between just stick through it, It will get easier, and I've come so far, why stop now.

So my friend stole my phone and texted her last night, told her I liked her. Long story short my run is over, and I'm finding it hard to imagine a situation in which I'd enjoy spending time with her, and not feel like shit. Is maturity not abandoning a friend, when all you want to do is forget them?

Basically I feel like shit. Eloquent I'm sure, but really its the best description. It's been awhile since I felt like I was breaking down. Anyway I suppose this gives me closure. I can move on. Now how the fuck do I move on  and stay friends with her? To me moving on means forget them, cut off all contact with them.

So I guess I'll stick with it for now. There's more to her story  I'll post it later.

On a less soul crushing note, I'm learning/studying the Facial Action Coding System. Which for those of you who don't know, it's this system that teaches you how to read people's faces. Which at first seems really complicated, but once you start catching on, is really fucking cool. Basically its main function is catching people lying. I think I might invest into getting the program, and get really good at it.

So yea

My body says no, but I won't quit because I want more.

Good news everyone! (My now one (maybe still two) readers). So Monday sucked utter balls, I had a bad day at work and my mind was still filled with doubt from the Maddie thing. Tuesday wasn't looking much better when I checked my cell phone right before my shift started and saw that she had messaged me saying that she wanted to hang out Wednesday around 3. Now for those of you that don't know I work from 11:00 to 7:30 which of course meant I now had an excuse to take the day off. So that gave me three things to look forward to: Hanging out with Maddie, a day off of work, and then Floor Hockey to top it all off.

Wednesday in all seriousness might've been the best day of my life to date. I met up with Maddie at 3, and we chatted for a bit, and it was awesome. Any kind of awkwardness that had been there ceased to exist. It was a ridiculously nice day outside. We walked down to the waterfront and skipped stones, we were basically killing time until her shift that started at five. The only blemish being the single most awkward moment of my life.

We were walking down to the waterfront when I saw someone I knew from high school playing guitar on the sidewalk, which by itself wasn't bad, he's actually a pretty good singer. Only he had friends with him including Maddie's maybe boyfriend, I thought for half a second I was going to live the moment I had wrote about in "The End". But w only hovered until the end of the song and promptly left for the waterfront.

We talked about various things and eventually headed to her place of work, and sat outside on the stones waiting for her shift to start. When we arrived there was a crazy woman shouting obscenities at no one in particular, it was rather amusing. Once she left, we were chatting when Maddie said "I'm heart broken" she then proceeded to tell me that she was indeed single and that her boyfriend of two years had cheated on her. To which I was stunned and happy and so many other random thoughts and feelings all at once, I did my best to show concern and to try to relate and offer moral support, I'd have offered a hug but I was self conscious of being a bit sweaty as it was really hot outside. She then left for her shift and I walked back to my car all the while resisting the urge to skip away like a 5 year old girl.


So this is it. This is finally what you've been waiting for. Now what are you going to do about it? So I promptly went back to my friends house and explained to which we discussed future plans and etc. Now this is when part two of awesome day comes in, We then went to floor hockey at the church, only when we got there we found a note saying it had been cancelled, to which we promptly told the sign to go fuck itself as we arranged a road hockey game nearby instead and we played into the night. Only problem being Marcel fell and eventually we took him to the hospital to make sure that he didn't need stitches or anything.


Part three of the best day ever involved me and Steve dropping off Marcel at his house at 2 AM while driving back into our town witnessing one of the coolest thunderstorms I have ever seen, not mention we had a decent convo for the ride back. All in all a really good day.

Also fingerprinting is next week, and it looks like I might be going to catch a movie with Maddie that night as well. This is turning out to be an awesome week.

****
Do you ever put on headphones with no music on and pretend not to notice people just so you don't have to talk to them?

Random shit...

Cause fuck normal, structured blog posts! WHO WANTS READ RANDOM FUCKED UP SHIT!!! *chorus of sounds* but in all seriousness I get bored and write things down when i just wake up/when I'm tired so it might sound retarded but bear with me.







It would honestly be great:
There are times when I look into your eyes, and I want so badly, just for one second to understand your thoughts, your feelings, to know the exact words that will brighten your day. To know just for one second exactly what it is that you want me to do about your petty problems so you'll shut the fuck up and leave me alone. Seriously I'm trying to play my game.

The homeless tirade:
There are times when I'm sitting alone in public, watching them. Watching them talk to each other, walk together. I'll watch for hours, just trying to comprehend the thoughts behind your actions, the rules behind what you say. It's been so long since I've been a part of it all, every now and then a stranger will reach out and offer support but what you people don't seem to realize is, I don't want your help, in my world this is a zoo and I can go home any time I want and you are all stuck this way until you die.

Theory:
The real reason why I think some people go insane is because they try to be too many people. For every friend and family member they behave differently creating dozens of slightly different
persona's, not to mention the mix they become when confronted with two or more people that they know. Only able to be 100% themselves the few times that they are alone. After awhile they lose
themselves and go insane. It's either that Or LSD... yea actually it's probably just the acid.

Dream sequence:
She took my hand as we talked together into the insanity that had become our lives. (I'll work on it later).

Now back to your regularly scheduled events:
So not much has happened on the Maddie front, I asked her out two weekends in a row first weekend for drinking to which she said it was her moms birthday. Which normally I'd be oh ok that sounds reasonable, but I was talking to a coworker and she said that that was a common excuse that she gave to get out of things. So fine she's busy that weekend, but when I asked her out this weekend she said that she was going to visit her grandmother, which really at this point is beginning to sound like she doesn't want to hang out anymore. She said she might be free sometime during this week. The next step is going to be trying to get a hold of her friend to see if she's actually single, (hopefully not so then I can give up on this) and from there see about making a more obvious attempt. Anyway that's my week summary, I'll update whenever another update is deemed necessary.

A whole new (THE EXACT GODDAMN SAME) can of worms.

So if any of you have been reading any of my stuff then you know I've been bitching non stop about a girl named Maddy (which as I just found out yesterday is actually spelled Maddie).

You also know I wrote the supposed end to my bitching on that subject, well yea I guess there's more to it. So you can go ahead and just ignore some (all) of that story, and let me start over.

 So she came back sometime in April and we hung out a week or so ago for the first time since she left. All in all it was really fun, we walked for 2 and a half hours and had (I hope) a good time. Oh also before I forget I'm 95% sure she's single now, based on that she lives with her mom, and when she was talking about her social life, she failed to mention her (I'm assuming) ex.

So I was like this has to be to good to be true, so I looked up the guy on facebook and his relationship status is listed as single. So yea now I'm flipping shit because, I might actually have a goddamn chance. I've been pining over this girl for as long as I can remember and now she's single!

Bad news, Now that I have not just one thing but two things on the line I am feeling more awkward and less confident around her. I mean do I chance it and ask her out soon and risk the friendship? Is she even looking, do I wait until someone has beaten me to it?

After the walk she posted on my facebook wall, thanking me for the nice time. Which of course in my brain is now translated into "She totally wants me". She says stuff like that often though. So I have no idea.

We went bowling yesterday and had fun Marcel came along as well all in all it was a good day ( I won $225 at the casino). But yea basically my course of action is just to see where it goes, not to force anything just try to hang out more. Before she left I was feeling pretty good, and now I think I have some catching up to do to get to the same comfort zone. Anyway things are looking up (maybe).

I have a new appreciation for the movie The Fugitive... (Barbra Streisand)

Ok so a few things have happened since I last posted. Most notably the most terrifying thing I have ever faced. Where to start, where to start... oh right GODDAMN TERRIFYING.

So Friday after work me and some friends were all set to drink the weekend away, all we needed was some stuff to mix/chase with. I.e. Powerade, Redbull and various other energy/soft drinks, plus maybe some munchies.

So we set out to the dollar store and picked up a few things, and then to the closest grocery store to get a few more. Finally we headed to our favorite shop. Favorite because it was the cheapest (i.e five finger discount) I know, I know I'm a terrible person.

It's a great set up in that there are plenty of blind corners, there are rarely too many people in the store and we have a great three man strike team. Marcel the largest in the group is the best blocker we could ever ask for, my friend Steven who is the shortest makes great front cover and carries all of the product, he's also the fastest. I am usually the hands (the person who puts the stuff in the backpack worn by Steven). Give us five minutes and we can be all set for a night.

All was going smoothly and we were just heading out the store, me being about 15 feet ahead of Steven and Marcel, and I was almost at my car when I heard yelling and realized that my two best friends weren't at the car. I peered around the corner to see a man with gray hair and medium build gripping Steven by the jacket/backpack, and Steven yelling "Give me my glasses" and a few seconds later the man yelled "You're under arrest!". Instinct kicked in, as I calmly stepped back from the corner, and walked towards my car forcing myself not to sprint away.

In my panic I locked my car and just started to walk to our designated emergency point of contact. All the while alternating between the words "Fuck" and "Please god", my heart was racing my mind instantly becoming a scenario processing machine, my arms and hands numb and shaking from the adrenaline. It all seemed like a bad dream. I forced myself to walk calmly as to not draw attention to myself. I managed to keep myself under control until I got to our designated emergency point of contact, and found no one else there. At which point I sat down and started to shake uncontrollably and hyperventilate.

The longer I waited and no one showed up, the more I panicked. No one else had made it out. So I decided that to keep myself from panicking I would pick objectives and stick to those and from there make my decisions as to what I should do next. So my first objective was to find a phone (I had left my phone, my money and everything important in my car).

I figured the closest one would be the local corner store about 8 minutes walk away. It had started drizzling at this point which did not help the shaking at all, the rain was freezing. I had to ask directions to the store twice, when I should have known the route by heart. When I got there I asked to use the phone and said that my car had broken down. The owner seemed reluctant, but gave me the phone after reminding me about the store's cameras.

I called Marcel's number because I figured if anyone could've made it out of there it was him, as he wasn't in a headlock when I last saw him. I dialed his number and it eventually rang to voice mail. I gave back the phone to the owner of the store, and decided I had to find someone I knew who could help me. I didn't have enough for the payphone and the only people who's numbers I knew were already captured, or family and I knew that my family couldn't find out. I had never felt so alone in my entire life.

So I decided I'd go to a coworkers place next (it was the only place within walking distance that housed someone I knew). so I ran. I ran until my muscles ached and my lungs burned for air I had to stop when my legs began to give out. I probably couldn't have run half that distance in twice the time any other day. Yay adrenaline. All the while thinking "I am a goddamn traitor, I just fucking left them there. What the hell is wrong with me, I have lost my two best friends, and I'm still probably boned."

So after the running and another 25 minute walk I made it to my coworkers building only to realize I didn't know what room they were in, or who to buzz to get them to open the door. I needed to get into her place so that I could contact my friend Remmington who had a car (I decided that I should try to see if my car was still at the store, if it was I was going to take it home, and if it wasn't I was going to turn myself in).

Seeing as I couldn't get into the building I couldn't get Remmington's number and therefore was quite screwed. Oh and you know when I said I had never felt so alone, I lied, it was at that point that I felt the loneliest. Not only did I have no one who could help me or talk to me, I had just lost my two best friends. It wouldn't have been bad at all if I'd had music to distract me.

As per the strategy of not panicking I decided I'd go to the gas station I used to work at and use their phone to contact the only other person's number I knew by heart (Tom's).

Thank god he picked up the phone, he didn't have a car, but he was able to give me my friend Kyle's number. Who after a brief argument of "DUDE I AM SOO FUCKING SCREWED, I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO CALL" he said he could make it in 40 minutes. Meanwhile my former coworker helped calm me a bit. She had a few similar stories and said that really there was nothing I could do, and that they probably would've done the same thing. As I waited for Kyle I used the payphone to call both Steven and Marcel, both of them went to voice mail.

Once Kyle (and his upset girlfriend) arrived I explained to him the whole story which really took a load off of my mind, at least someone else knew who wasn't panicking and was able to help me make rational decisions. We decided that we should go back to the store and see if my car was still there. If it was I'd drive to his place and crash there for the night.

As we pulled in to the store parking lot, Kyle called Steven's number and Steve told him that it was all over and that he was coming around to the side where my car was still (miraculously parked). He walked right over with what seemed like an angry look, and handed me a police officers contact information. I got out of Kyle's car and gave Kyle some stuff for coming all the way to town to get me. I then saw the police officers car and flagged him down, I was told I was under arrest and being charged for shoplifting. I gave him my contact information, and went back to the car to meet my friends. Immediately expecting banishment from the group. They laughed at me and said that I did exactly what we were supposed to do.

I immediately felt 1000 times better and we exchanged stories of our ordeals, as we headed back to Steven's to drink the memory away.


Below are the first hand accounts of my friends:

Steven:

I left the store and this guy was trying to go out the in at the food basics, I was confused as to what he was doing, so I took a step towards him to let him out.  He grabbed my hand I pulled back in self defense as the private investigator did not identify himself. I fell and I was then put into a head lock, which knocked off my glasses and broke some of the product that was in my backpack. 

I repetitively asked for my glasses and while the investigator yelled “You’re under arrest!” I continued to struggle to get out of the headlock, as I was still disoriented without my glasses. As I pulled back he began to tighten his grip around my neck to the point where I found it difficult to breathe. A bystander came closer and said aloud “that seems a bit excessive” he said this more than once. Then he put me in handcuffs after he loosened his grip around my neck.

We walked us up to his office. When we got upstairs I asked the private investigator who put me in a headlock for his badge, and then he identified himself properly.  He opened my bag (without my consent) and took out the leaking product, and later had Marcel take the rest out (again without my consent). After that they went to the other room read us our rights and completed some paperwork. When we were walking to the office I asked for the bystander to be contacted for the purpose of being a witness, to which I received no reply.  The police officer arrived some time later and did not review video footage and did not ask for our story, only for that of the private investigator. After the investigator was finished to police officer told us we were being charged.

Marcel (www.desolateandfullofyearning.blogspot.com):

When I saw the guy going through the in door, I laughed because he seemed crazy. Then I remember hearing him tell me to go back into the store. He did not identify himself, so I complied, he proceeded to grab Steven. I didn’t see Steven pull back but I did see him fall to the ground, then the citizen said “doesn’t that seem excessive” and I all remember is Steven asking for his glasses and him putting Steven in a head lock, also he at some point said “You’re Under Arrest” .

I saw Steven struggle, and then he kinda calmed down, and then he let Steven up and put handcuffs on him. There was kind of a crowd gathering and then we walked into the store and I heard Steven asking for the citizen as a witness. The foodbasics manager yelled "Call the cops" as Steven went down. The main private investigator apparently thought that Steven had a knife as he then commented that when Steven pulled back he thought that steven was going for a knife or to throw a punch. 

And apparently thought that the crowd of teenagers that were nearby were apart of a “gang”. At this point we are upstairs and Steven and the investigator were arguing about the use of force. To my recollection the investigator only said “You’re under arrest” after steven was in a headlock. 

He asked to remove items from Steven’s backpack. He asked me if I had anything in my backpack and I replied yes. He then opened my bag and took out the product and then said "Ok look through both of your bags and take out whatever you stole." We sat in the room as they read us our rights. The younger investigator told us we could contact a lawyer if we wished. 

We waited for them to finish paperwork and we signed some papers saying we had been read our rights. They then asked for our ID, and steven provided his and I didn’t have mine and I told them that. They asked us to identify our third person (Calvin). I said his name was Calvin and I initially hesitated to give them his last name but eventually did. I didn’t know his home address nor his actual town that he lives at so I couldn’t provide them with that information at the time. 

I identified him on their CCTV recording of him during our entrance into the store. We didn’t know where he had run off to or where he possibly could have run too so I didn’t bother guessing.  After taking our I.D. they handed us our trespass notice banning us from the Metro stores indefinitely. Then we sat around waiting for the police to show up. During our I.D. process I intermittently laughed to myself to which the main investigator asked “Do you think this is funny/fun?”, I just said I was trying to calm myself down.

When the police showed up, he didn’t ask us what happened/our part of the story, the investigator handed him photocopies of some of the paperwork. The cop then said we were being charged. He took us outside to his cruiser and filled out more paperwork while wait stood outside. We asked about changing our fingerprint dates/court dates because Steven might be in Winnipeg at the point but he said he couldn’t. At this point we are free to go and then we met Calvin around the corner and direct him to the cop so that he can be identified. After more paperwork we left

So yea that's the terrifying accounts of what happened Friday.