One step back, turns out the helmet is a piece of shit. So I still need everything from my last post, and a helmet. But I am running three times a week now, and I haven't thrown up yet! But seriously it makes me want to die, but I figure it will help me in the future. I am doing stretches whenever I remember to, and I keep watching greatest saves videos, it's honestly all I think about anymore, and the lack of floor hockey as an outlet for this, has led to me obsessing over playing. I can't wait to get on the ice and start learning.
Oh yea also college and moving out is soon. Should probably get on that soon. Oh and girls. Fuck girls I don't know and have no way of ever seeing again, need to stop being so damn hot. My life is becoming a you love you lose competition and I always lose. But in college there will be bitches, so sayeth the prophet Soon.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
"If you were me, could you defend The given rights to all the men?"
So I've decided I should stop doubting the future and just go with it. Luck is clearly on my side. I was driving in the middle of Bum-Fuck Nowhere (Capitalized because it's a proper noun) with Marcel, when I noticed a pair of goalie pads on the side of the road. Which prompted me to shout HOLY SHIT, and pull over immediately. We got out and moved closer and found not only pads, but senior level gloves, pants, a helmet and a blocker, all of which fit me bullshit perfectly, and here's the kicker. The whole lot only cost $30. I just bought what brand new would be close to $1200, and what was probably now worth about $500 for less than a tank of gas. All I need now is Skates, and a few small items.
I still need:
Skates
Neck Guard
Under Armor
Jersey
Bag
At this rate I'll be in the NHL next year.
I still need:
Skates
Neck Guard
Under Armor
Jersey
Bag
At this rate I'll be in the NHL next year.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Resoursefulness: "Not Just For Breakfast Anymore"
If I ever have a kid (or ten), If I can ever impart any wisdom to them, I'd want it to be resourcefulness. I'd rather them live in a world of "We can totally do that", not "We're so fucked". I see it too often in the world now. So many people saying I can't, and not enough looking around for something to aid them in their task.
Who are you?
Are you the movies you like? The music you listen to? The books you read?
Are you the town you live in? Are you the websites you visit? Are you the niche you categorize yourself in? What makes you, you? Is it the way we talk or the way we dress? People rarely ask simply "Who are you?". They instead ask you the questions I outlined above, like some how they'll be able to piece together who you are just by the things you like. But really how can you answer this question? Do you simply state your name? Your job title? Do you state qualities or values about yourself? Why is this three syllable question so hard to pin down? I'd probably because very few people know who they are.
Good question:
I think I'm going to live in the dark about the whole m.s. it will give me that much less to have bouncing around inside my head. Ignorance is bliss.
Money situation might be fixed until next paycheck, I just worked this weekend for my dad, so hopefully I'll get a tank of gas out of it. Also according to some advice I received looks like I should forget about Jessica ....done, and hopefully this week I get to see Maddie.
Who are you?
Are you the movies you like? The music you listen to? The books you read?
Are you the town you live in? Are you the websites you visit? Are you the niche you categorize yourself in? What makes you, you? Is it the way we talk or the way we dress? People rarely ask simply "Who are you?". They instead ask you the questions I outlined above, like some how they'll be able to piece together who you are just by the things you like. But really how can you answer this question? Do you simply state your name? Your job title? Do you state qualities or values about yourself? Why is this three syllable question so hard to pin down? I'd probably because very few people know who they are.
Good question:
I think I'm going to live in the dark about the whole m.s. it will give me that much less to have bouncing around inside my head. Ignorance is bliss.
Money situation might be fixed until next paycheck, I just worked this weekend for my dad, so hopefully I'll get a tank of gas out of it. Also according to some advice I received looks like I should forget about Jessica ....done, and hopefully this week I get to see Maddie.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Good Question
So where to begin?
So things are going nowhere with Jessica, she seems pretty content to only answer some of my texts, so I'm pretty sure that's done, hoping to get at least one more date but I doubt it. I am broker than ever looks like I'm going to be sleeping in my car sometime next week. Oh and also I found out yesterday my mom has M.S. (probably from all the diet coke she drank). Which leads me to the topic of the blog.
We were talking about it a bit when she asked: "Would you rather be kept up to speed with what's happening, or left in the dark?", to which I replied "Good Question". I told her I'd get back to her on it. Because really I don't know. Would I rather know her prognosis or just figure it out when she gets her wheel chair. I've thought about whether or not I'd want to know how much time I have left, but not someone else.
Also texted Maddie to tell her that I'm not going to jail (that was decided this Tuesday), to which she replied "awesome, we should hang out next week" which is awesome for two reasons. One because I enjoy spending time with her and two because this is the first time she's instigated hanging out.
Anyway that's all for now.
So things are going nowhere with Jessica, she seems pretty content to only answer some of my texts, so I'm pretty sure that's done, hoping to get at least one more date but I doubt it. I am broker than ever looks like I'm going to be sleeping in my car sometime next week. Oh and also I found out yesterday my mom has M.S. (probably from all the diet coke she drank). Which leads me to the topic of the blog.
We were talking about it a bit when she asked: "Would you rather be kept up to speed with what's happening, or left in the dark?", to which I replied "Good Question". I told her I'd get back to her on it. Because really I don't know. Would I rather know her prognosis or just figure it out when she gets her wheel chair. I've thought about whether or not I'd want to know how much time I have left, but not someone else.
Also texted Maddie to tell her that I'm not going to jail (that was decided this Tuesday), to which she replied "awesome, we should hang out next week" which is awesome for two reasons. One because I enjoy spending time with her and two because this is the first time she's instigated hanging out.
Anyway that's all for now.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Is this for real life or is this just fanta-sea?
So I finally went on that date. My first date in fact, that is not hindered or tainted by niggling doubts of where she might be in terms of rebound, or whether I was in the friend-zone. No this is my first date in 3 years and 4 months, and it was AWESOME.
I was somewhat nervous as to what she might be like, as we had met on a dating site, but actually she was really cute. She was tall too which I really like, I don't think I'd be comfortable making any kinda move if she was way shorter than me.
We first met at the theater (as we were going to see a movie), but not before I showed up broke as shit, I only had ten dollars on me, which as it turns out is about 1.50 less than it costs to go see a movie. So she paid for the tickets, and before anyone starts bitching yes I felt like a complete schmuck. She then offered in solace "The next one's on you" to which I replied "and the popcorn".
So we sat down, and watched the trailers together, and we chatted a bit, and she laughed at my stupid jokes which is good. She seemed to get my humor which is a huge plus. I had a great time, the movie was fucking hilarious.
After the movie, we went to Tim Horton's and grabbed a coffee (which I bought), we sat and talked for a few hours, we talked about family and what not, around 1:30 AM we drove to the local waterfront and took a walk, where she touched my arm (oh no, not on the first date) we got back around 2:45 and said our goodbyes. All in all I had a great time. I hope she did too, we've been talking since then and I havent gotten any negative replies so hopefully I'll get to see her again.
First Impressions:
Good:
Cute
Tall
Funny
Not a Smoker or Stoner
Has a Job
Dramatic but way better than Nikki,
Smart
Bad:
Kind of a Drunk, but could be all talk.
Not a consistent texter
This is the most biased list ever also, the good clearly out weighs the bad.
Overall: 8.5/10
It's different around her, I feel comfortable. I didn't flinch or feel awkward when she touched my arm, it just one of those things that you just know, and I have a good feeling about this. Everything's turning up Milhouse.
I was somewhat nervous as to what she might be like, as we had met on a dating site, but actually she was really cute. She was tall too which I really like, I don't think I'd be comfortable making any kinda move if she was way shorter than me.
We first met at the theater (as we were going to see a movie), but not before I showed up broke as shit, I only had ten dollars on me, which as it turns out is about 1.50 less than it costs to go see a movie. So she paid for the tickets, and before anyone starts bitching yes I felt like a complete schmuck. She then offered in solace "The next one's on you" to which I replied "and the popcorn".
So we sat down, and watched the trailers together, and we chatted a bit, and she laughed at my stupid jokes which is good. She seemed to get my humor which is a huge plus. I had a great time, the movie was fucking hilarious.
After the movie, we went to Tim Horton's and grabbed a coffee (which I bought), we sat and talked for a few hours, we talked about family and what not, around 1:30 AM we drove to the local waterfront and took a walk, where she touched my arm (oh no, not on the first date) we got back around 2:45 and said our goodbyes. All in all I had a great time. I hope she did too, we've been talking since then and I havent gotten any negative replies so hopefully I'll get to see her again.
First Impressions:
Good:
Cute
Tall
Funny
Not a Smoker or Stoner
Has a Job
Dramatic but way better than Nikki,
Smart
Bad:
Kind of a Drunk, but could be all talk.
Not a consistent texter
This is the most biased list ever also, the good clearly out weighs the bad.
Overall: 8.5/10
It's different around her, I feel comfortable. I didn't flinch or feel awkward when she touched my arm, it just one of those things that you just know, and I have a good feeling about this. Everything's turning up Milhouse.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
"I don't sleep.... ANYMORE, I don't eat.... ANYMORE, I don't feel.... ANYMORE"
So yea that one chick and I never really connected but I did find someone else quite personable and cute, and were going to go see a movie next week. So that's a plus and right now I'm at peace with the whole Maddie thing, so that's all I'm going to say about that right now.
I will however tangent on how I'm worried about this movie date. I have no experience with girls, and if she seems like a decent person there will be some issues in trying to step up for a relationship, and I'm not sure how up front I should be with the whole no experience, not good at connecting emotionally thing.
I just got back from floor hockey which is what I'm using to hone my goal-tending skills before I try out for a league in September. I am feeling much more confident about my skills/ reflexes, I'm learning my angles and using them more now, I am purchasing new equipment as I can afford it. So I feel really good about working out and getting in shape and trying for a goal of mine. Today I feel like I nearly died of exhaustion, partly due to three layers I wear in midsummer, my t-shirt, my chest pad, and my jersey. Partially because its two hours straight of work out and we had lots of people today which meant we have enough to sub out players which means they were getting breaks and coming back refreshed when usually they burn out by the end, I stuck it out for as long as I could, I had trouble getting back up after saves, and then a hard time breathing, and I felt like puking, and then I decided to call it quits when I thought I was going to completely break down and die. So exercise is feeling good can't wait for next week.
I will however tangent on how I'm worried about this movie date. I have no experience with girls, and if she seems like a decent person there will be some issues in trying to step up for a relationship, and I'm not sure how up front I should be with the whole no experience, not good at connecting emotionally thing.
I just got back from floor hockey which is what I'm using to hone my goal-tending skills before I try out for a league in September. I am feeling much more confident about my skills/ reflexes, I'm learning my angles and using them more now, I am purchasing new equipment as I can afford it. So I feel really good about working out and getting in shape and trying for a goal of mine. Today I feel like I nearly died of exhaustion, partly due to three layers I wear in midsummer, my t-shirt, my chest pad, and my jersey. Partially because its two hours straight of work out and we had lots of people today which meant we have enough to sub out players which means they were getting breaks and coming back refreshed when usually they burn out by the end, I stuck it out for as long as I could, I had trouble getting back up after saves, and then a hard time breathing, and I felt like puking, and then I decided to call it quits when I thought I was going to completely break down and die. So exercise is feeling good can't wait for next week.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Everytime Brain (composure regained +3 to everything)
Where was I? Oh yes that's right I can't fucking sleep. Not that I'm not tired, I close my eyes and it feels like every other part of me is asleep my legs and arms weary, and my eyes heavy. But my mind just won't stop, and it's not even thinking of anything in particular, sometimes it's random things, and sometimes it's the same thing repeatedly all night (I found a solution which I call resetting, more on that later).
Oh right since this blog is mostly about her, I feel updates are in order. So on my friends birthday last weekend (or the one before that), one of my friends stole my phone and messaged Maddie that I had a crush on her (yay grade school assholery). To be fair he sent it to all the females on my contact list, I say females because I never know whether to say girls or women and I figure that it covers my bases, anyway this was good news because it gave me plausible deniability, if she said anything which she did.
"hey calvin,
so i don't know who had your phone last night or if what they said was true, but just so you know, i'm still dealing with a lot of shit with ******... and whether or not we end up staying together, i'm not in any state of mind to get involved with anyone else anytime soon, you know?
i really enjoy your company and our friendship, i hope it can stay the same!"
So that was pretty painful to read. It was nothing short of what I expected, but what I expected and what I hoped for were two soul crushingly different things. In a way I'm happy I can try to move on, I say try because I'm pretty obsessive. I also feel somewhat cheated, I kinda feel like if I had been the one to say it, to use my words, to express my feelings, out loud to someone else in person, so someone I care about, would have been... beneficial? I'm not sure it would change anything but the fact that I didn't means I still have this tiny tumor of doubt lodged in my self-conscious. *sigh* this probably means I have to go through and completely destroy our friendship, this has yet to be determined however. I still haven't hung out with her since, and I keep delaying asking her to hang out, I feel like it's pointless now.
(I know I don't need to start a new paragraph, but I'm trying to break up the wall of text and am too lazy to edit) and I'm not sure if I think it's pointless because I no longer have any semblance of hope, which in itself is terrible, which means I was only after a relationship, and the friendship meant nothing or very little, which means the memories probably aren't all they are cracked up to be. Or I keep putting off communicating with her because every time I think about her time disappears and my heart fees like its pumping mud through my veins.
So I guess I still have at least one more update on that whole mess.
SKIP THIS NEXT SECTION IT' DULL
I was thinking the other day when I bitching about connecting with people. Someone told me all I had to do was open up. Which apparently is the easiest thing in the world the way people go on about it. WHAT ARE THE STEPS INVOLVED IN THIS PROCESS? Do you just spew everything that you think or feel on to anyone who will listen? Do you confide your terrible secrets to strangers? Or maybe these are questions that need to be asked to you. I think to myself I could tell these people anything. What do you want to know motherfuckers, I hide nothing.
Which brings me to point #1. I am completely full of shit. You could ask me the weather outside (because either you're blind or my fat ass is blocking the window) and 999 times out of 1000 I'd lie. Not because I secretly get off on people blindly opening umbrellas for a sunny day, actually I don't know why. It's fun to me, I like making people believe things, I guess manipulating them, even the petty bullshit is funny to me.
Point #2.
I deflect so much, it's becoming my hobby. If I don't lie to you about the question asked, then I definitely deflected it, either to buy myself time to think up a lie or to shift the blame, or to distract you. Questions like "how are you?" trigger an immediate reflex response of "fine and yourself" just so I don't have to put effort into answering. So if you did ask me something personal I'd deploy one of the above tactics.
Point #3.
I've tried. When it comes to opening up, I usually end up thinking "I'm trying, is it not working?" Part of me wants to be able to meet new people and not have to wait forever to feel comfortable around them, and another part of me is unwilling to trust people. Which I guess has gotten better over time. I'm sick of writing this moving on.
YOU MAY CONTINUE READING NOW
A new hope:
So as I may or may not have stated I am currently using a dating site, and I saw someone really interesting, and I took the time to reorganize my profile so that it looked somewhat decent, and I took some more time an thought out a message and prayed for a response, and she did. She said she was off to work and would give a better response later. Two days ago. So I think that's a no go. It's also not what I'm talking about when I say a new hope.
I finally started to commit to trying to achieving my dream, I spent some money on some goalie gear, which is awesome because now when I play floor hockey I can die of heat! But actually it offers more protection and I figure if I buy a few pieces at a time then I can have it all ready in time for ice hockey to start. The only problem is that its bulky as shit, and it made me move at half speed and really clumsily and it felt like it weighed 20 pounds on each arm. I suppose it's something I'll get used to.
And if you read all of this, you need to go out and get a job, seriously. Also I want my money from Catherine.
Oh right since this blog is mostly about her, I feel updates are in order. So on my friends birthday last weekend (or the one before that), one of my friends stole my phone and messaged Maddie that I had a crush on her (yay grade school assholery). To be fair he sent it to all the females on my contact list, I say females because I never know whether to say girls or women and I figure that it covers my bases, anyway this was good news because it gave me plausible deniability, if she said anything which she did.
"hey calvin,
so i don't know who had your phone last night or if what they said was true, but just so you know, i'm still dealing with a lot of shit with ******... and whether or not we end up staying together, i'm not in any state of mind to get involved with anyone else anytime soon, you know?
i really enjoy your company and our friendship, i hope it can stay the same!"
So that was pretty painful to read. It was nothing short of what I expected, but what I expected and what I hoped for were two soul crushingly different things. In a way I'm happy I can try to move on, I say try because I'm pretty obsessive. I also feel somewhat cheated, I kinda feel like if I had been the one to say it, to use my words, to express my feelings, out loud to someone else in person, so someone I care about, would have been... beneficial? I'm not sure it would change anything but the fact that I didn't means I still have this tiny tumor of doubt lodged in my self-conscious. *sigh* this probably means I have to go through and completely destroy our friendship, this has yet to be determined however. I still haven't hung out with her since, and I keep delaying asking her to hang out, I feel like it's pointless now.
(I know I don't need to start a new paragraph, but I'm trying to break up the wall of text and am too lazy to edit) and I'm not sure if I think it's pointless because I no longer have any semblance of hope, which in itself is terrible, which means I was only after a relationship, and the friendship meant nothing or very little, which means the memories probably aren't all they are cracked up to be. Or I keep putting off communicating with her because every time I think about her time disappears and my heart fees like its pumping mud through my veins.
So I guess I still have at least one more update on that whole mess.
SKIP THIS NEXT SECTION IT' DULL
I was thinking the other day when I bitching about connecting with people. Someone told me all I had to do was open up. Which apparently is the easiest thing in the world the way people go on about it. WHAT ARE THE STEPS INVOLVED IN THIS PROCESS? Do you just spew everything that you think or feel on to anyone who will listen? Do you confide your terrible secrets to strangers? Or maybe these are questions that need to be asked to you. I think to myself I could tell these people anything. What do you want to know motherfuckers, I hide nothing.
Which brings me to point #1. I am completely full of shit. You could ask me the weather outside (because either you're blind or my fat ass is blocking the window) and 999 times out of 1000 I'd lie. Not because I secretly get off on people blindly opening umbrellas for a sunny day, actually I don't know why. It's fun to me, I like making people believe things, I guess manipulating them, even the petty bullshit is funny to me.
Point #2.
I deflect so much, it's becoming my hobby. If I don't lie to you about the question asked, then I definitely deflected it, either to buy myself time to think up a lie or to shift the blame, or to distract you. Questions like "how are you?" trigger an immediate reflex response of "fine and yourself" just so I don't have to put effort into answering. So if you did ask me something personal I'd deploy one of the above tactics.
Point #3.
I've tried. When it comes to opening up, I usually end up thinking "I'm trying, is it not working?" Part of me wants to be able to meet new people and not have to wait forever to feel comfortable around them, and another part of me is unwilling to trust people. Which I guess has gotten better over time. I'm sick of writing this moving on.
YOU MAY CONTINUE READING NOW
A new hope:
So as I may or may not have stated I am currently using a dating site, and I saw someone really interesting, and I took the time to reorganize my profile so that it looked somewhat decent, and I took some more time an thought out a message and prayed for a response, and she did. She said she was off to work and would give a better response later. Two days ago. So I think that's a no go. It's also not what I'm talking about when I say a new hope.
I finally started to commit to trying to achieving my dream, I spent some money on some goalie gear, which is awesome because now when I play floor hockey I can die of heat! But actually it offers more protection and I figure if I buy a few pieces at a time then I can have it all ready in time for ice hockey to start. The only problem is that its bulky as shit, and it made me move at half speed and really clumsily and it felt like it weighed 20 pounds on each arm. I suppose it's something I'll get used to.
And if you read all of this, you need to go out and get a job, seriously. Also I want my money from Catherine.
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