I have a new appreciation for the movie The Fugitive... (Barbra Streisand)

Ok so a few things have happened since I last posted. Most notably the most terrifying thing I have ever faced. Where to start, where to start... oh right GODDAMN TERRIFYING.

So Friday after work me and some friends were all set to drink the weekend away, all we needed was some stuff to mix/chase with. I.e. Powerade, Redbull and various other energy/soft drinks, plus maybe some munchies.

So we set out to the dollar store and picked up a few things, and then to the closest grocery store to get a few more. Finally we headed to our favorite shop. Favorite because it was the cheapest (i.e five finger discount) I know, I know I'm a terrible person.

It's a great set up in that there are plenty of blind corners, there are rarely too many people in the store and we have a great three man strike team. Marcel the largest in the group is the best blocker we could ever ask for, my friend Steven who is the shortest makes great front cover and carries all of the product, he's also the fastest. I am usually the hands (the person who puts the stuff in the backpack worn by Steven). Give us five minutes and we can be all set for a night.

All was going smoothly and we were just heading out the store, me being about 15 feet ahead of Steven and Marcel, and I was almost at my car when I heard yelling and realized that my two best friends weren't at the car. I peered around the corner to see a man with gray hair and medium build gripping Steven by the jacket/backpack, and Steven yelling "Give me my glasses" and a few seconds later the man yelled "You're under arrest!". Instinct kicked in, as I calmly stepped back from the corner, and walked towards my car forcing myself not to sprint away.

In my panic I locked my car and just started to walk to our designated emergency point of contact. All the while alternating between the words "Fuck" and "Please god", my heart was racing my mind instantly becoming a scenario processing machine, my arms and hands numb and shaking from the adrenaline. It all seemed like a bad dream. I forced myself to walk calmly as to not draw attention to myself. I managed to keep myself under control until I got to our designated emergency point of contact, and found no one else there. At which point I sat down and started to shake uncontrollably and hyperventilate.

The longer I waited and no one showed up, the more I panicked. No one else had made it out. So I decided that to keep myself from panicking I would pick objectives and stick to those and from there make my decisions as to what I should do next. So my first objective was to find a phone (I had left my phone, my money and everything important in my car).

I figured the closest one would be the local corner store about 8 minutes walk away. It had started drizzling at this point which did not help the shaking at all, the rain was freezing. I had to ask directions to the store twice, when I should have known the route by heart. When I got there I asked to use the phone and said that my car had broken down. The owner seemed reluctant, but gave me the phone after reminding me about the store's cameras.

I called Marcel's number because I figured if anyone could've made it out of there it was him, as he wasn't in a headlock when I last saw him. I dialed his number and it eventually rang to voice mail. I gave back the phone to the owner of the store, and decided I had to find someone I knew who could help me. I didn't have enough for the payphone and the only people who's numbers I knew were already captured, or family and I knew that my family couldn't find out. I had never felt so alone in my entire life.

So I decided I'd go to a coworkers place next (it was the only place within walking distance that housed someone I knew). so I ran. I ran until my muscles ached and my lungs burned for air I had to stop when my legs began to give out. I probably couldn't have run half that distance in twice the time any other day. Yay adrenaline. All the while thinking "I am a goddamn traitor, I just fucking left them there. What the hell is wrong with me, I have lost my two best friends, and I'm still probably boned."

So after the running and another 25 minute walk I made it to my coworkers building only to realize I didn't know what room they were in, or who to buzz to get them to open the door. I needed to get into her place so that I could contact my friend Remmington who had a car (I decided that I should try to see if my car was still at the store, if it was I was going to take it home, and if it wasn't I was going to turn myself in).

Seeing as I couldn't get into the building I couldn't get Remmington's number and therefore was quite screwed. Oh and you know when I said I had never felt so alone, I lied, it was at that point that I felt the loneliest. Not only did I have no one who could help me or talk to me, I had just lost my two best friends. It wouldn't have been bad at all if I'd had music to distract me.

As per the strategy of not panicking I decided I'd go to the gas station I used to work at and use their phone to contact the only other person's number I knew by heart (Tom's).

Thank god he picked up the phone, he didn't have a car, but he was able to give me my friend Kyle's number. Who after a brief argument of "DUDE I AM SOO FUCKING SCREWED, I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO CALL" he said he could make it in 40 minutes. Meanwhile my former coworker helped calm me a bit. She had a few similar stories and said that really there was nothing I could do, and that they probably would've done the same thing. As I waited for Kyle I used the payphone to call both Steven and Marcel, both of them went to voice mail.

Once Kyle (and his upset girlfriend) arrived I explained to him the whole story which really took a load off of my mind, at least someone else knew who wasn't panicking and was able to help me make rational decisions. We decided that we should go back to the store and see if my car was still there. If it was I'd drive to his place and crash there for the night.

As we pulled in to the store parking lot, Kyle called Steven's number and Steve told him that it was all over and that he was coming around to the side where my car was still (miraculously parked). He walked right over with what seemed like an angry look, and handed me a police officers contact information. I got out of Kyle's car and gave Kyle some stuff for coming all the way to town to get me. I then saw the police officers car and flagged him down, I was told I was under arrest and being charged for shoplifting. I gave him my contact information, and went back to the car to meet my friends. Immediately expecting banishment from the group. They laughed at me and said that I did exactly what we were supposed to do.

I immediately felt 1000 times better and we exchanged stories of our ordeals, as we headed back to Steven's to drink the memory away.


Below are the first hand accounts of my friends:

Steven:

I left the store and this guy was trying to go out the in at the food basics, I was confused as to what he was doing, so I took a step towards him to let him out.  He grabbed my hand I pulled back in self defense as the private investigator did not identify himself. I fell and I was then put into a head lock, which knocked off my glasses and broke some of the product that was in my backpack. 

I repetitively asked for my glasses and while the investigator yelled “You’re under arrest!” I continued to struggle to get out of the headlock, as I was still disoriented without my glasses. As I pulled back he began to tighten his grip around my neck to the point where I found it difficult to breathe. A bystander came closer and said aloud “that seems a bit excessive” he said this more than once. Then he put me in handcuffs after he loosened his grip around my neck.

We walked us up to his office. When we got upstairs I asked the private investigator who put me in a headlock for his badge, and then he identified himself properly.  He opened my bag (without my consent) and took out the leaking product, and later had Marcel take the rest out (again without my consent). After that they went to the other room read us our rights and completed some paperwork. When we were walking to the office I asked for the bystander to be contacted for the purpose of being a witness, to which I received no reply.  The police officer arrived some time later and did not review video footage and did not ask for our story, only for that of the private investigator. After the investigator was finished to police officer told us we were being charged.

Marcel (www.desolateandfullofyearning.blogspot.com):

When I saw the guy going through the in door, I laughed because he seemed crazy. Then I remember hearing him tell me to go back into the store. He did not identify himself, so I complied, he proceeded to grab Steven. I didn’t see Steven pull back but I did see him fall to the ground, then the citizen said “doesn’t that seem excessive” and I all remember is Steven asking for his glasses and him putting Steven in a head lock, also he at some point said “You’re Under Arrest” .

I saw Steven struggle, and then he kinda calmed down, and then he let Steven up and put handcuffs on him. There was kind of a crowd gathering and then we walked into the store and I heard Steven asking for the citizen as a witness. The foodbasics manager yelled "Call the cops" as Steven went down. The main private investigator apparently thought that Steven had a knife as he then commented that when Steven pulled back he thought that steven was going for a knife or to throw a punch. 

And apparently thought that the crowd of teenagers that were nearby were apart of a “gang”. At this point we are upstairs and Steven and the investigator were arguing about the use of force. To my recollection the investigator only said “You’re under arrest” after steven was in a headlock. 

He asked to remove items from Steven’s backpack. He asked me if I had anything in my backpack and I replied yes. He then opened my bag and took out the product and then said "Ok look through both of your bags and take out whatever you stole." We sat in the room as they read us our rights. The younger investigator told us we could contact a lawyer if we wished. 

We waited for them to finish paperwork and we signed some papers saying we had been read our rights. They then asked for our ID, and steven provided his and I didn’t have mine and I told them that. They asked us to identify our third person (Calvin). I said his name was Calvin and I initially hesitated to give them his last name but eventually did. I didn’t know his home address nor his actual town that he lives at so I couldn’t provide them with that information at the time. 

I identified him on their CCTV recording of him during our entrance into the store. We didn’t know where he had run off to or where he possibly could have run too so I didn’t bother guessing.  After taking our I.D. they handed us our trespass notice banning us from the Metro stores indefinitely. Then we sat around waiting for the police to show up. During our I.D. process I intermittently laughed to myself to which the main investigator asked “Do you think this is funny/fun?”, I just said I was trying to calm myself down.

When the police showed up, he didn’t ask us what happened/our part of the story, the investigator handed him photocopies of some of the paperwork. The cop then said we were being charged. He took us outside to his cruiser and filled out more paperwork while wait stood outside. We asked about changing our fingerprint dates/court dates because Steven might be in Winnipeg at the point but he said he couldn’t. At this point we are free to go and then we met Calvin around the corner and direct him to the cop so that he can be identified. After more paperwork we left

So yea that's the terrifying accounts of what happened Friday.

I may be back but I'm definitely not here (I don't have the patience to keep it on the up)

Torublemaker - Weezer

If that makes any sense. Anyway its been a awhile, and as promised I am writing another post.

Things are going ok, I am working full time and making a good amount of money, I have my drivers license and almost unlimited use of a car. I have made a few friends from work. I have cheap car insurance due to the insurance company believing I have completed Drivers ed, which is awesome because I haven't and now my parents are no longer bothering me to finish it. So that turned out 1000 times better than I thought it would. Yay for ridiculous bullshit luck.

On the negative side my panic attacks are getting worse and slightly more frequent. They are starting to bother me even during the day time now. This is probably temporary. I hope.

That's all for now.

"Sometimes I wonder what's outside these walls... but it doesn't matter because I have everything I need right here."

The End. Edit*

"Big shot screaming 'put your hands in the sky' he says 'give it up boy, give it up or you're gonna die, you'll get a bullet in the back of the neck, in the back of the neck, right between the eyes'..."

Hands in the Sky (Big Shot) - Straylight Run

Ok so you've seen it all. Everything that bothers me. Everything that made me who I am today. Who I am is not perfect. Writing this, all of this has given me a lot to think about. I got to go through my conversation history with the people who have spent the most time in my thoughts. I've seen that what I remember definitely was not what happened. More importantly I've learned to move on. Just because I felt a certain way for someone once, doesn't mean it will never happen again. Hell according to something I just read on Stumble there are approximately 18,000 people in the world that I'd be compatible with. So if I have to wait a little bit longer I guess that's how it goes.


I think I'm done with the blog for a bit. I've written what I've wanted to write. I have my story in written form. I will leave it at least until the end of March. April 15th, I'll update with whether or not I still need the blog.


I guess I can't really just stop telling the story. It needs an ending. So here it is:

So once Maddy got back from Mexico, I asked her if she wanted to hang out, to which she replied "Sure, when/where?". We ended up meeting out by the YMCA where we usually meet. We chatted a bit over coffee. I had forgotten how much I missed talking to her. We took a walk along the waterfront, it was a nice night for a walk, the stars were out and the temperature wasn't too cold. I walked her back to her apartment, where she is supposed to be staying until she leaves. I had planned this whole scenario out in my head for the last week. I would tell her everything. I would tell her how I felt about her. About how much she means to me. About how she should stay in town... just a bit longer. Just to find out if she feels even remotely the same way. I don't want to come off as insane,  or start any drama so I spent the entire week, near sleepless wording everything out perfectly.

So we finally walk up to the doors and I am all set to tell her everything... When I hear the door open behind me and I see her light up, a smile that could brighten even the darkest day. I turn to look and I see her boyfriend behind me, who is sharing more or less the same expression. She moves past me to hug him, and proceeds to introduce us. We say an awkward hello and shake hands. She tells him that she'll be right up, and he closes the door. In what couldn't have been 2 minutes the whole foundation of my plan falls out from under me. Seeing that look in her eyes, a look of pure joy and happiness. I know that it's not meant to be, and telling her would accomplish nothing other than to ruin a perfectly good evening. So we say goodbye and she leaves. I sit out in the cold for a minute before I start to walk back, thinking as I go.

I know, that these feelings are pointless, irrational and unfounded, but fuck this. I have to tell her now, or risk regretting it forever. I run back and head inside the first set of doors and I key in the code to page her apartment number, all the while any semblance of what I had worded in my mind is lost. And the little speaker on the wall rings... I begin to feel unsure. What am I going to say? It rings again. I realize how incredibly stupid this is and part of me doesn't care. It rings a third time, and I start  to panic. On the fourth ring I am almost out the door when I hear a muffled hello coming from the little box on the wall.



What happened next? How does this story really end? It doesn't matter. Sometimes life works out insanely well, but an equal amount of the time it can end up tragically soul crushing. So which is it going to be? Is this a story of true love? A tragedy? A fairy tale? You decide. I'm sure what ever ending you can imagine will be just as good as one I write. Because when its all over, the story is more important than the ending alone. Thanks again. For everything.

"The perfect moment. You know when you're in it. Because all at once your problems dissipate. All at once the world becomes a perfect place, happiness and love replacing hate and fear. Your only worry is that at any moment it could all end. You're afraid to look at your watch. Afraid to count the seconds. Because there are much better ways to spend them. And when it ends. When you realize it's all over, when the world fades from color to black. You'll still be happy."

A near hit

So I was looking over that dating site again, and I saw a profile that caught my eye. She lives in my area and she looked attractive and I don't mean just physically she seemed really nice, and altogether just looked like a nice person. So I messaged her and she responded! Only to find out.... she's moving! Yay for me.... again. If it weren't for bad luck with girls I'd have no bad luck at all. Anyway we chatted for a bit, and it was fun, we talked until about 3 AM and then when I messaged her today she didn't respond. So I figure that's as far as I'm going to get. I'm so sick of being single, honestly my only goal now is to be in a relationship by may 19th. If I do make it to the 19th then I've earned the 3 straight years single badge. Yay again. Oh and the girl from works who's name I didn't remember is named Carley.... and she's dating someone. More desparity to follow! : D

"I'm a trouble maker, never had the patience to keep it on the up"

Troublemaker - Weezer










Music news:
Rise Against has a new album (End Game) and its out!! If you haven't listened to them I would recommend them. I like every single song they've done, so yea check em out!

Work is going better now that we're actually doing some freakin work. Not just sitting listening to a boring speaker. I've talked to a lot of people in my training group, and have a few prospects to hit on.
 List goes form the person I am least interested in to the one I am most interested in.

Jaclyn - Has a boyfriend, but I got the vibe that she's not too attached.

Ryleigh - Has a boyfriend as I just confirmed using facebook, but is also really hot, and who knows? It doesn't hurt to make a new friend.... and maybe wait out the relationship.

Steffany - Haven't talked to her much, and I think she's the only one who might actually be single.

????? - For fuck sakes, I forgot her name, which is retarded because she sits next to me and I talk to her all the time. Anyway she mentioned a boyfriend, but then she mentioned an ex, which might mean she's single I don't know. Anyway she's cute and she talks to me, and in the end... isn't that what we all want?

After this I got nothing, I can't wait for college to meet new people! My goal is to at the very least, get some kind of relationship before mid May. Must not... Be... Single... For three... Straight... Years...
But yea sleep is coming slightly easier now, that I have a job and am always tired. Things are on the up.

"I've got a hole in my head, the size of lake fucking michigan"

I'm going to start posting the song title from now:
"Old School Remains - Alkaline Trio"

So the first day of work was unbelievably boring. I was actually social though! I struck up conversations with a few people, including a few cute girls, all with minimal nervousness. It's easier than I thought it would be. So I've furthered my plan with Sarah, by that I mean I'm waiting to get a little bit more experience before I contact her.

So yea, beyond that not a whole lot more to report, I sent a bunch more messages to people on that dating site, I don't expect many responses but, at least I can say I'm trying.

"I can make anybody go to prison just because I don't like, em, I can do anything with no resistance"

Wow just reread what I posted yesterday, it didn't make a whole lot of sense. I need to to proof read more.

So looks like I've got all the information to continue with operation dumbass. What I lack however is courage. It's not so much that I fear being rejected by her (There's something worse?). It's that I might develop real feelings for this person, freeze up and panic on the physical portion, be the subject of ridicule and be forever scarred/discouraged from future relationship attempts (oh.). So I am delaying operation dumbass for a few days. Cause that's apparently how long it takes to get over crippling fears.


The actual reason is that I start my job tomorrow at a call center. This job requires a rather intensive training program before you actually start working there. So on the 15th of every month they will start a new class of recruits, and I have no idea what to expect. So hopefully there will be a single, attractive, somewhat intelligent girl, that's also my age there. Hell hopefully there will be a bunch there. As a note somewhat intelligent refers to someone who would only use the word "retardedest" in a sentence sarcastically. I am also going to attempt to be socially outgoing, try to make a few friends etc.


And if there is absolutely not a single person to hit on at my new job tomorrow... I will  talk to Sarah tomorrow, and proceed with operation dumbass.