"I miss you i'm not gonna crack I love you i'm not gonna crack"

It's depressing story time everyone, gather round!

So I was at my friends house last week, telling him about this girl I'd met (more on that later). Anyway we get talking and he says "Oh yea Brendyn told me that you had a chance with Maddie", at which point everything comes to a screeching halt as I spring to my feet screaming "WHEN? WHEN? WHEN?"
"I think he said it was just after she broke up with Jessie, but I don't know, we were both drunk at the time"


This is kinda devastating but I figure I can live with it. So I text Brendyn asking for details. I stare at my phone for a day and a half before receiving I'll tell you  at the party tonight.

So we get there and we end up having to go to the liquor store, so on the way he begins the story with:
"Oh right, dude you totally missed your shot with Maddie"
"No shit, I got that part, when did I miss it?"
"Like 3 years ago. When you guys were really close, she was soooo close to like being in love with you, but then you fucked it all up, I can't remember the details, but I think it was something you said, or did."
"What!?! Are you shitting me?!? Do you know anything else?"
"Just that it was right before she met Jessie"

Later that night,  I proceeded to drink a 26er of Sour Puss ( I know it's girly but it's delicious), and a 26er of Blue Curacao, and in case your wondering, yes I did throw up. I'm kinda proud that I made it to the last shot before it happened though.

So needless to say I've been feeling like shit. Brendyn said he'd see if he could find out what it was that fucked everything up. But that puts that note she left to me in my yearbook into better perspective. She did feel something. Part of me is happy that I wasn't insane, Part of me doesn't know what to feel. But so far I've been substituting with sadness. I really wish that I knew what it was that I did, and when it might have happened. I'm thinking about going through the MSN convos to see if there's a hint there.

So we're having breakfast on Friday together, seeing each other for the last time before she leaves. So I'm looking forward to that. Meanwhile I am working 12 hour shifts every day this week to make some extra money. The shifts suck balls, and I was supposed to meet up with a girl tonight and come back to my place but something came up, so the date I had been waiting for since last week, and that had been the only thing getting me through my shifts didn't happen.

So yea about this girl. Her name is Cayla and she is a train wreck. She has some serious issues ( I won't go into details, because I'm lazy). But she's hot, so shallow side wins again. But my logical side is giving my dick a run for it's money. I don't think I've been this torn ever. Anyway more on the first date when I'm in the mood to write more.

Now for emo shit:
"I've spent all this time searching for myself in angry lyrics. Trying to feel thoughts crafted by others. All these days screaming at the top of my lungs, just to hear a sound, all these years looking at violent pictures. Thinking violent thoughts trying to feel anything at all.To think that after all these years and all that searching and I didn't know the difference between love and hate."

"Go ahead break me, because every time I'll come back stronger. Every time just a little more calloused, just a little more numb, until I'm invincible. So what are you waiting for?"

"...And when we finally reached him, we all knew it was too late. He said nothing, just looked at us with that crooked smile, and clicked the detonator."

"Oh Look a Lesson In Not Being A Narcissist From Mister I'm My Own 1500th View"

One step back, turns out the helmet is a piece of shit. So I still need everything from my last post, and a helmet. But I am running three times a week now, and I haven't thrown up yet! But seriously it makes me want to die, but I figure it will help me in the future. I am doing stretches whenever I remember to, and I keep watching greatest saves videos, it's honestly all I think about anymore, and the lack of floor hockey as an outlet for this, has led to me obsessing over playing. I can't wait to get on the ice and start learning.

Oh yea also college and moving out is soon. Should probably get on that soon. Oh and girls. Fuck girls I don't know and have no way of ever seeing again, need to stop being so damn hot. My life is becoming a you love you lose competition and I always lose. But in college there will be bitches, so sayeth the prophet Soon.

"If you were me, could you defend The given rights to all the men?"

So I've decided I should stop doubting the future and just go with it. Luck is clearly on my side. I was driving in the middle of Bum-Fuck Nowhere (Capitalized because it's a proper noun) with Marcel, when I noticed a pair of goalie pads on the side of the road. Which prompted me to shout HOLY SHIT, and pull over immediately. We got out and moved closer and found not only pads, but senior level gloves, pants, a helmet and a blocker, all of which fit me bullshit perfectly, and here's the kicker. The whole lot only cost $30. I just bought what brand new would be close to $1200, and what was probably now worth about $500 for less than a tank of gas. All I need now is Skates, and a few small items.

I still need:
Skates
Neck Guard
Under Armor
Jersey
Bag

At this rate I'll be in the NHL next year.

Resoursefulness: "Not Just For Breakfast Anymore"

If I ever have a kid (or ten), If I can ever impart any wisdom to them, I'd want it to be resourcefulness. I'd rather them live in a world of "We can totally do that", not "We're so fucked". I see it too often in the world now. So many people saying I can't, and not enough looking around for something to aid them in their task.

Who are you?
Are you the movies you like? The music you listen to? The books you read?
Are you the town you live in? Are you the websites you visit? Are you the niche you categorize yourself in? What makes you, you? Is it the way we talk or the way we dress? People rarely ask simply "Who are you?". They instead ask you the questions I outlined above, like some how they'll be able to piece together who you are just by the things you like. But really how can you answer this question? Do you simply state your name? Your job title? Do you state qualities or values about yourself? Why is this three syllable question so hard to pin down? I'd probably because very few people know who they are.

Good question:
I think I'm going to live in the dark about the whole m.s. it will give me that much less to have bouncing around inside my head. Ignorance is bliss.

Money situation might be fixed until next paycheck, I just worked this weekend for my dad, so hopefully I'll get a tank of gas out of it. Also according to some advice I received looks like I should forget about Jessica ....done, and hopefully this week I get to see Maddie.

Good Question

So where to begin?

So things are going nowhere with Jessica, she seems pretty content to only answer some of my texts, so I'm pretty sure that's done, hoping to get at least one more date but I doubt it. I am broker than ever looks like I'm going to be sleeping in my car sometime next week. Oh and also I found out yesterday my mom has M.S. (probably from all the diet coke she drank). Which leads me to the topic of the blog.

We were talking about it a bit when she asked: "Would you rather be kept up to speed with what's happening, or left in the dark?", to which I replied "Good Question". I told her I'd get back to her on it. Because really I don't know. Would I rather know her prognosis or just figure it out when she gets her wheel chair. I've thought about whether or not I'd want to know how much time I have left, but not someone else.

Also texted Maddie to tell her that I'm not going to jail (that was decided this Tuesday), to which she replied "awesome, we should hang out next week" which is awesome for two reasons. One because I enjoy spending time with her and two because this is the first time she's instigated hanging out.

Anyway that's all for now.

Is this for real life or is this just fanta-sea?

So I finally went on that date. My first date in fact, that is not hindered or tainted by niggling doubts of where she might be in terms of rebound, or whether I was in the friend-zone. No this is my first date in 3 years and 4 months, and it was AWESOME.


I was somewhat nervous as to what she might be like, as we had met on a dating site, but actually she was really cute. She was tall too which I really like, I don't think I'd be comfortable making any kinda move if she was way shorter than me.


We first met at the theater (as we were going to see a movie), but not before I showed up broke as shit, I only had ten dollars on me, which as it turns out is about 1.50 less than it costs to go see a movie. So she paid for the tickets, and before anyone starts bitching yes I felt like a complete schmuck. She then offered in solace "The next one's on you" to which I replied "and the popcorn".

So we sat down, and watched the trailers together, and we chatted a bit, and she laughed at my stupid jokes which is good. She seemed to get my humor which is a huge plus. I had a great time, the movie was fucking hilarious.


After the movie, we went to Tim Horton's and grabbed a coffee (which I bought), we sat and talked for a few hours, we talked about family and what not, around 1:30 AM we drove to the local waterfront and took a walk, where she touched my arm (oh no, not on the first date) we got back around 2:45 and said our goodbyes. All in all I had a great time. I hope she did too, we've been talking since then and I havent gotten any negative replies so hopefully I'll get to see her again.



First Impressions:
Good:
Cute
Tall
Funny
Not a Smoker or Stoner
Has a Job
Dramatic but way better than Nikki,
Smart

Bad:
Kind of a Drunk, but could be all talk.
Not a consistent texter
This is the most biased list ever also, the good clearly out weighs the bad.

Overall: 8.5/10
It's different around her, I feel comfortable. I didn't flinch or feel awkward when she touched my arm, it just one of those things that you just know, and I have a good feeling about this. Everything's turning up Milhouse.

"I don't sleep.... ANYMORE, I don't eat.... ANYMORE, I don't feel.... ANYMORE"

So yea that one chick and I never really connected but I did find someone else quite personable and cute, and were going to go see a movie next week. So that's a plus and right now I'm at peace with the whole Maddie thing, so that's all I'm going to say about that right now.



I will however tangent on how I'm worried about this movie date. I have no experience with girls, and if she seems like a decent person there will be some issues in trying to step up for a relationship, and I'm not sure how up front I should be with the whole no experience, not good at connecting emotionally thing.


I just got back from floor hockey which is what I'm using to hone my goal-tending skills before I try out for a league in September. I am feeling much more confident about my skills/ reflexes, I'm  learning my angles and using them more now, I am purchasing new equipment as I can afford it. So I feel really good about working out and getting in shape and trying for a goal of mine. Today I feel like I nearly died of exhaustion, partly due to three layers I wear in midsummer, my t-shirt, my chest pad, and my jersey. Partially because its two hours straight of work out and we had lots of people today which meant we have enough to sub out players which means they were getting breaks and coming back refreshed when usually they burn out by the end, I stuck it out for as long as I could, I had trouble getting back up after saves, and then a hard time breathing, and I felt like puking, and then I decided to call it quits when I thought I was going to completely break down and die. So exercise is feeling good can't wait for next week.