Freedom and Reflection

Updates are sporadic is a bit of an understatement. It's been over half a year since I updated this blog. Things are going well. I finally did what I said I wanted to do for almost 2 years and broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago, and so far the single life has been quite fun. I've also got a new job, and as of this post am down almost 70 lbs since December 2013.

At first I was terrified that when I broke up with my girlfriend that I would be stuck single, scared, and alone again for years, it's one of the main reasons I waited so long. After we broke up I downloaded tinder since I had some good things and so far have done quite well. I have had a bunch of dates and a few flings here and there (nothing serious), and am really enjoying the single life in a way only someone who has been trapped in a relationship for 3 years can. The dating part was difficult at first it was hard to talk to people I didn't know and I was still awkward at making moves, but each time it got a little easier and after a few weeks it didn't bother me at all. I think a large part of it is my self confidence, since I've lost so much weight and gotten into shape I feel so much better about myself, it's a driving factor in moving forward with my life.

I have a new job as I mentioned previously, I am working as a franchise manager for a window cleaning company, it's much more work than I had anticipated and the pay isn't quite what I had hoped but I can still work at my goalie school this summer so that's a plus. The job is taking it's toll however the increased work load is conflicting with my laziness, I worked hard this winter/spring to improve on my procrastination problem and I am still having issues. I managed to finish my Biology course with a 90.9% giving me just barely a 4.0 average and guaranteeing my spot in my college course for the summer, and that was a great motivation in me accepting this job. It was a test to see if I could really handle a full college course load. I am struggling to run this business, and am pretty sure I will just barely meet my contractual obligations.

The goalie school I work for also had their annual training seminar this past weekend and it was interesting. I know I messed up on the verbal test, I had everything I wanted to say laid out and got flustered and fucked it all up, I think I did ok on the written though. There's a chance I'll make instructor but I'll more likely be bumped up to intern instructor. I'm not ready to be instructor though, I think one more summer and I will be ready.

I also won the championship for my hockey league this year! This is a great improvement from when I played 2 years ago. In 2013 I played and my team finished last out of 4 teams. This year my team finished first out of 6 teams and won the championship. We finished 6-1-0 in the regular season. I led the league in games played, wins, and goals against average. I found working at the goalie school really helped. I am also playing goalie for soccer this year and so far we won our first 2 games and tied our last one 1-1. So far over the 3 games I've let in only one goal. Things are looking up!

More updates later this month I am hoping. Stay tuned darkness.

"I Wanna Go Back, And I Don't Even Know How I Got Off The Track..."

So things are still good, I'm working part time as a goalie coach, I have started the course I need to go back to school, and I am on track to applying for this September, all in all things are pretty good.

I've made some headway on some life decisions, I am going to break up with my current girl friend, March is my goal date. I realized if I've spent 90% of the relationship wondering if I should leave then I should probably leave. I delayed this long because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I didn't really have a good reason for leaving. Hopefully I can find the words to make this easier.

I am playing hockey 3-5 times a week and I am really improving, I feel like every ice time I improve on some aspect of my game or another. I am down 50 pounds since last December and I want to continue that trend.

I still miss her. I saw picture of her on Facebook today, she was standing next to what I assume is her boyfriend, both in front of a sign that said "Chile", she looked happy, and I guess I'm happy that's she's happy. I forgot how badly seeing a picture of her could ruin my mood.

I want to be single again, this time I want to find someone who shares some of my interests, maybe is athletic, someone who can help me be a better person, more than anything I just want to be single for awhile and appreciate it in a way that I never could before.

I've been listening to the Weezer album Pinkerton and it's been helpful in pushing me towards that decision, hell I've attributed the whole album to one girl in particular, on top of it pushing me towards this choice.

I CAN do Anything

About a year and a half ago I was incredibly unhappy. Stuck in a job I hated every second of, stuck in an apartment I could barely afford, dropped out of college with no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

I since decided that I want hockey to be a main part of my life, and have been trying to get work as a goalie coach, and as of today I am now instructing for a goalie school near me. I am at a disadvantage as I never really played growing up so I am about 15 years behind most people. I am going to try to go back to school in september, and if I do well in that program I may continue with my education and try for physiotherapy, and incorporate that into my resume as a goalie coach, or supplement my income with it. Life is good. more on this later.

Motivation Comes From Within ( or I Can Do Anything)

Allow me to explain,

As a hockey goaltender I play in arguably one of the most difficult positions in all of sports. One in which my exact positioning is so crucial that being off by as much as 1 or 2 inches can lead to the other team scoring, and sometimes all it takes is one goal to lose the entire game, or sometimes the season. Sometimes in games I get shelled, and it's all I can do to just keep getting up after each shot, or continuing to put effort in after 1 or 2 bad goals. It's becomes very easy to attribute how well you do with your entire self worth (I played like shit, I am shit).

 Sometimes you can give each and every play every ounce of effort you have, and make no mistakes and still lose, and that is okay. This is probably one of the most important things to learn, and can be applied to almost any situation or sport: Your worth as a human being is not determined with your success, but rather your ability to persist, even when success eludes you.

Which brings me to motivation, i.e. your reason to persist. As I said earlier motivation comes from within, and what I mean by that is; regardless of external factors only you can decide whether or not to persist. Speeches can be written and pep talks given, but when it comes down to it, when every breath you take burns, when every muscle in your body aches, and hope seems lost, only you can decide to keep going. What reason can you call upon to get back up, to push yourself just a bit further? Look deep down and find that reason. Maybe it's your anger, maybe it's someone who told you that you can't, or maybe you just hate losing. Whatever it is, find your reason, call upon that reason. Bury your pain, and dig for that extra inch, take the best you can do and do better. Understand that all it takes is the decision, your decision to keep going. Nothing more and nothing less. So what's your reason?

Which brings me to a story:

I was playing some hockey earlier this year, and had a really bad game, I let in a bunch of bad goals and just played horribly. I came back to the dressing room all down on myself, when I heard two other players chatting. One was saying to the other that they hadn't seen him in a while. The other replied that his fiancee had been diagnosed with cancer 6 months prior and that she had passed away only the day before. I gave up after 2 or 3 bad goals and resigned myself to self pity after for the rest of the game, and here this man is, the day after his fiancee's death out playing hockey. We can choose to feel bad for ourselves or we can choose to move on.

Oh You (Me) or Somebody That You Used To Know

Here I am pendulum still in full swing, everything changes always. I've given up plans for now, I do much better making shit up as I go. Having said that I would like to present my new life plan following my status update. I am still on welfare. I didn't get coffee with her because we never contacted each other while she was in town. I've joined a gym, ran my first 5KM and in general feel like I've gotten my shit together. I've decided that I am going back to school, looks like it's going to be for 2015 though, and it looks like it's going to be for something sports related, something that will give me some credentials when I apply for instructor positions at local goalie camps, and I also need to get my general coaching certification this summer. I also (as I just mentioned) have joined a gym for the sole purpose of training for the upcoming Play On tournament. Last year was a real disappointment for me, this year I want to (and am) train as much as possible, I want to get a shutout, I want to win a goddamn game, I've upped the stakes a bit with a no shave beard and shave head pact if we don't win at least one game this year. I've been trying to up my stamina, as well hence the 5km runs, my pace is slow now but I hope to have it at or below 25 minutes by the end of May. I've also learned a lot about myself recently for example running is like 95% mental, when I ran my first 5km I wanted to quit on lap 3 of 25 and instead decided to power through, making quitting not an option, when I ran it again (with the goal of always being at least 1 second faster) I realized I was afraid. I was afraid of failure of doing my best and having my best not be good enough, and I realized that I can choose whether or not to fail. If I put the effort in, I can succeed. I just need to learn to not be afraid of trying. I feel like I am on the right track, we are going to win this year, even if it kills me, even if its 1-0 in the shootout after 60 shots in 30 minutes. I will grind out at least one victory.

"...For Ruins Wrapped In Gold"

She's agreed to coffee when she comes into Kingston during her Christmas break. I don't know what my plan is or why I even asked. I can't hit on her. I don't necessarily want to either. We haven't talked in years, how do you maintain a conversation when you haven't hung out in two years.

On a positive note I have a second interview for a full time job on Friday. I also haven't relapsed on my position, the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to break up with her. I constantly picture myself with other women, I am really looking forward to the freedom, just not the conversation.

Two Years a Slave

So as you may have been reading, I have been going through an obsessive her phase recently. I was going through my Facebook messages with her, and I noticed our last communication was from almost two years ago. I figure I'll start a conversation with something along the lines of "this is your two year check in". You know eventually. I can't believe it's been two years. Fuck. Well here goes.