Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

So this is 2017... after the shit show that was 2016. Whats new with me? Well same old same old, I am here to weigh in on my own issues and attempt to work through them. Or as Mother Mother put it: "There's a million, billion, trillion stars, but I'm down here low, fussing over scars on my soul".

The rest of 2016 wasn't great, I ended up re-hooking up with Ruth in like March? Got an STD that has since been resolved, and went back into the dating world (i.e. Tinder). It didn't go great I lived pretty far out of town and that made meeting up difficult, and I couldn't for the life of me get a second date so hook ups were few and far between. I did end up jumping into a relationship because of loneliness and hating the dating scene (more on this later).

I raised 2 litters of kittens, and almost a 3rd but I had to give them up because one died (it was heartbreaking he died on the way to the shelter), and the others were not fairing well.

 I passed my first year of college, and had a productive summer of work at the goalie school I've been working at the past few summers. I got promoted and got a bunch more responsibilities which was awesome and fun.

Now I've been dating Katherine since late June. Now for some reason I can't get attached. She's smart, pretty, outgoing, a university graduate, with a great future. But for some reason I have no feelings whatsoever. 

Essentially I have decided to break up with her but haven't gotten around to actually doing it. But tonight might have changed that. I watched a movie that helped give me the push I might need. It's happened before. 

The first movie was Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, that helped give me the push with Chelsea. and I also associate the movie Goon with helping with some Ruth related decisions, and now the movie in the title of this post has helped me realize how little time I have to be dicking around not making decisions. It has to be this weekend, it's been far too long.

After all I don't have infinite time to find my end of the world buddy.

I guess I'll see you in a year? Who knows maybe more than one update in the next year.

"Everyday, It's a Getting Close, Faster Than a Roller Coaster, Love Like Yours Will Surely Come My Way"

Well it's that time of night, when my thoughts turn inward towards reflection and I get all nostalgic and decide I need another post.

What's happened since last I wrote? Well I continued on my tinder spree, I ended up sleeping with 4 different girls from April to July. Around that time I became a little disillusioned with the whole tinder scene and settled down with a girl. Which sounds crazy I know, I find it somewhat ironic that while I was in a relationship I was afraid of leaving because I would be alone forever, now I am afraid to enter in a relationship afraid that I will be stuck again.

The girl I picked at the time is absolutely gorgeous. I knew she was something special the first time I met her. She has long red hair, and freckles, she's maybe 5'6'' and very slender. She's a Queens graduate, and very funny, and she plays sports. We met for coffee and went for a walk along the water. The second date we met at her apartment and watched Netflix, we watched, Friends, Bridesmaids, and parts of the Big Lebowski. A lot of it was missed due to distractions. We met a few more times after this, and it was really fun. I enjoyed spending time with her, and after awhile my tinder matches dried up, another girl I was seeing at the time, was always to busy to spend time with me, a third girl decided she didn't want to see me if I was seeing other people, and I realized not only was this situation no longer fun, but that the girl I wanted to spend all my time with happened to be the last one I was still seeing.

She was the first to admit to having feelings (this was before I stopped tindering), and I told her I felt the same way. It wasn't just sex, I actually enjoyed my time with her. So after the aforementioned sickness with tinder I asked her if she wanted to date exclusively and she said yes. We were dating each other and no one else but we weren't official (I guess the only difference really is a label). I took her to the annual summer party and she met all of my friends which was awesome, and about a week later we added the label.

So then we dated until about 3 weeks ago when she left to visit her family on a trip to England.

Apologies everything before this point was written in September of 2015, now that the story is done I can come back and finish it.

So about 2 weeks before she left (this is approximate I have since lost my recorded messages) she had been acting a tad distant, She had asked if she could download Tinder again, and my heart sank. Not wanting to be a possessive jealous person and make her feel trapped I relented I said something along the lines of: "Sure as long your not planning on chatting with them", I don't remember what happened after that but I think it basically became do whatever you want.

Now if I'm being honest at the time I was feeling a bit flighty myself, I thought I might not be ready to be in a relationship and with her text that kind of pushed me away a bit as well, and I think it was just the perfect combination for the following. Then about a week before she left we ended up agreeing to go on a break while she was gone and we would consider what we wanted to do, Either to end it, or restart it.

So as she left in the middle of August, I began to ponder what I wanted, and as I visited family I began to realize my feelings had grown for her a lot more than I had thought. We chatted maybe about a week in and continued to chat almost daily until she came back.

When she came back I laid it all out, I told her how I felt and that I didn't think I could go back to the open relationship thing, and that I wanted to be with her and only her. Her response was lukewarm, she wasn't up for it. So we agreed to part ways and that was that. For about a week. In that time I slept with a girl who to this day is the only person I regret sleeping with. It was not worth it.

I received a message from her about a week later :"I miss you". That essentially led to a few weeks of casual sex, and things seemed to be going well, I would sleep at her house some nights and we would cuddle and things would be good. We talked a bit about getting back together she was pout off that I had slept with one person even though we weren't together and again when I slept with the second girl, so that delayed things a bit and I was still on the fence at that point as well. That's when the bomb dropped.

The next time I came over she said she wanted to talk. She had been hesitant at first, but I encouraged her and said whatever it is, I'm sure it's fine. She had cheated on me. I was confused, we weren't dating she didn't really cheat on me. She reiterated: "Before I left for England".  Then there was nothing. Just a calm where the rage should have been, just emptiness where the sadness should have been. Just a dead look on my face where words should have been. I laid there for a few moments before she asked if she could hug me. I said sure. I felt strangely unaffected. Just kind of quiet. We chatted for a bit and then left. I also lost my soccer game that night to a team we should have beaten. It wasn't a good night,

The next few weeks we continued seeing each other even though we both knew it was a bad idea. I struggled a bit, trying to decide if we did get back together whether I could look past that she had cheated, and not be suspicious of her in the future. But things got better. We started going on actual dates, out for dinner, out for a movie (the newest James Bond at the time (Specter)), and it was nice. I remembered why I had fallen for her in the first place. For a while things were looking good. I thought there might be a chance at rekindling.

A about a month later I met up with her after work, we went down to Lone-star and had a nice meal. We held hands walking back to her place. We laid in her bed and cuddled, eventually  she said: (conversational approximate)
 "How long have we been doing this?"
"What do you mean?" I replied.
"I mean this, we've been doing this for longer than we were ever together." She stated.
"Well yea but it's not that bad right? Are you not enjoying this?" I asked.
"I don't know if I can keep doing this, I don't want to be with other guys and still be hung up on you" She answered.
"Well shit... I mean are you saying you don't want to do this anymore?" I asked afraid of the answer.
"I... I think so." She replied sheepishly.

This whole conversation came out of nowhere we were having a great time, and I thought things were going well. I honestly thought we might be on the path to getting back together.

She said we had to delete each others numbers and text conversations so we wouldn't be tempted to contact each other again. I asked if she wanted me to leave and find another place to sleep that night. She said she did. I asked if she didn't want a few minutes of cuddling (and also sex because I'm being honest), she said she didn't think it was a good idea. She asked me if I wanted the hockey socks I gave her, and I said she should keep them. She said something about seeing them would make her sad, and I said that she should keep them still. I hugged her and left (I don't think we kissed). That was about December 10th. 2015. I sent her a good bye text, that I have since lost. I also sent her a Facebook message:

"Hey roux, I wanted to send this in a text but I forgot to before I lost your number. I just wanted to say I really enjoyed the time I did get to spend with you, short as it was. I hope you succeed in whatever you do and hope that you have a good life and find the happiness that you deserve. I don't know if it showed but I was really sad that tonight was our last time together and I think my last text didn't really didn't express how I felt. This is going to be a rough few weeks for me. Again, all the best to you and whatever you do. -Calvin (Lord Poobottom III) McLellan"

There was no reply. The next few weeks were tough, I spent a long time thinking about her. Missing her. I ended up deleting and blocking her from my Facebook and deleting her from my snap-chat so I wouldn't be tempted to contact her. 

This continued until a few weeks ago when I got drunk and drunk unblocked and added her on Facebook, she accepted the next day. Then I managed to maintain radio silence until last night when I drunk messaged her. It was going well at first, just catching up on each others lives as we hadn't chatted in over 2 months. Then the conversation got quiet, and I sent her this:

"I miss you."

No reply. Fuck.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, but I followed it up with: 

"Annnnd I'm sorry I sent that. Drunk texting is part of why I try not t drunk much."

You know it's a bad drunk text when you realize it was a mistake while still drunk. Still no reply.

In the morning I managed a bit of damage control and apologized, to which she replied.

For the last 2 months I've been feeling lost, I had no closure, it was so sudden, and the forced no messaging rule made it really tough. I couldn't figure it out. What happened? Why the sudden change? I needed to message her, maybe that will take away the obsession. It didn't. So I figured I would finish this entry. It has been a bit cathartic, and going over exactly what happened helps a bit. But I am still hung up on her. I still see her when I close my eyes sometimes. I have vivid flashbacks of her, and I am nearly brought to my knees. I think I see her on the street and I am unable to think of anything else for the rest of the day. I can't wait for this to stop. I want to just put her out of my mind and move on but its taking a long time.

I have since been trying to fill the hole in my life with more girls and some alcohol and school but it does a piss poor job. I am ready for a relationship, but all the girls I meet have the same problem, they aren't her. I still miss her. Fuck. 

On another note I passed my first semester of college and am on pace to pass the second semester as well. Here's to the future. Maybe I'll update more than twice this year?

Freedom and Reflection

Updates are sporadic is a bit of an understatement. It's been over half a year since I updated this blog. Things are going well. I finally did what I said I wanted to do for almost 2 years and broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago, and so far the single life has been quite fun. I've also got a new job, and as of this post am down almost 70 lbs since December 2013.

At first I was terrified that when I broke up with my girlfriend that I would be stuck single, scared, and alone again for years, it's one of the main reasons I waited so long. After we broke up I downloaded tinder since I had some good things and so far have done quite well. I have had a bunch of dates and a few flings here and there (nothing serious), and am really enjoying the single life in a way only someone who has been trapped in a relationship for 3 years can. The dating part was difficult at first it was hard to talk to people I didn't know and I was still awkward at making moves, but each time it got a little easier and after a few weeks it didn't bother me at all. I think a large part of it is my self confidence, since I've lost so much weight and gotten into shape I feel so much better about myself, it's a driving factor in moving forward with my life.

I have a new job as I mentioned previously, I am working as a franchise manager for a window cleaning company, it's much more work than I had anticipated and the pay isn't quite what I had hoped but I can still work at my goalie school this summer so that's a plus. The job is taking it's toll however the increased work load is conflicting with my laziness, I worked hard this winter/spring to improve on my procrastination problem and I am still having issues. I managed to finish my Biology course with a 90.9% giving me just barely a 4.0 average and guaranteeing my spot in my college course for the summer, and that was a great motivation in me accepting this job. It was a test to see if I could really handle a full college course load. I am struggling to run this business, and am pretty sure I will just barely meet my contractual obligations.

The goalie school I work for also had their annual training seminar this past weekend and it was interesting. I know I messed up on the verbal test, I had everything I wanted to say laid out and got flustered and fucked it all up, I think I did ok on the written though. There's a chance I'll make instructor but I'll more likely be bumped up to intern instructor. I'm not ready to be instructor though, I think one more summer and I will be ready.

I also won the championship for my hockey league this year! This is a great improvement from when I played 2 years ago. In 2013 I played and my team finished last out of 4 teams. This year my team finished first out of 6 teams and won the championship. We finished 6-1-0 in the regular season. I led the league in games played, wins, and goals against average. I found working at the goalie school really helped. I am also playing goalie for soccer this year and so far we won our first 2 games and tied our last one 1-1. So far over the 3 games I've let in only one goal. Things are looking up!

More updates later this month I am hoping. Stay tuned darkness.

"I Wanna Go Back, And I Don't Even Know How I Got Off The Track..."

So things are still good, I'm working part time as a goalie coach, I have started the course I need to go back to school, and I am on track to applying for this September, all in all things are pretty good.

I've made some headway on some life decisions, I am going to break up with my current girl friend, March is my goal date. I realized if I've spent 90% of the relationship wondering if I should leave then I should probably leave. I delayed this long because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I didn't really have a good reason for leaving. Hopefully I can find the words to make this easier.

I am playing hockey 3-5 times a week and I am really improving, I feel like every ice time I improve on some aspect of my game or another. I am down 50 pounds since last December and I want to continue that trend.

I still miss her. I saw picture of her on Facebook today, she was standing next to what I assume is her boyfriend, both in front of a sign that said "Chile", she looked happy, and I guess I'm happy that's she's happy. I forgot how badly seeing a picture of her could ruin my mood.

I want to be single again, this time I want to find someone who shares some of my interests, maybe is athletic, someone who can help me be a better person, more than anything I just want to be single for awhile and appreciate it in a way that I never could before.

I've been listening to the Weezer album Pinkerton and it's been helpful in pushing me towards that decision, hell I've attributed the whole album to one girl in particular, on top of it pushing me towards this choice.

I CAN do Anything

About a year and a half ago I was incredibly unhappy. Stuck in a job I hated every second of, stuck in an apartment I could barely afford, dropped out of college with no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

I since decided that I want hockey to be a main part of my life, and have been trying to get work as a goalie coach, and as of today I am now instructing for a goalie school near me. I am at a disadvantage as I never really played growing up so I am about 15 years behind most people. I am going to try to go back to school in september, and if I do well in that program I may continue with my education and try for physiotherapy, and incorporate that into my resume as a goalie coach, or supplement my income with it. Life is good. more on this later.

Motivation Comes From Within ( or I Can Do Anything)

Allow me to explain,

As a hockey goaltender I play in arguably one of the most difficult positions in all of sports. One in which my exact positioning is so crucial that being off by as much as 1 or 2 inches can lead to the other team scoring, and sometimes all it takes is one goal to lose the entire game, or sometimes the season. Sometimes in games I get shelled, and it's all I can do to just keep getting up after each shot, or continuing to put effort in after 1 or 2 bad goals. It's becomes very easy to attribute how well you do with your entire self worth (I played like shit, I am shit).

 Sometimes you can give each and every play every ounce of effort you have, and make no mistakes and still lose, and that is okay. This is probably one of the most important things to learn, and can be applied to almost any situation or sport: Your worth as a human being is not determined with your success, but rather your ability to persist, even when success eludes you.

Which brings me to motivation, i.e. your reason to persist. As I said earlier motivation comes from within, and what I mean by that is; regardless of external factors only you can decide whether or not to persist. Speeches can be written and pep talks given, but when it comes down to it, when every breath you take burns, when every muscle in your body aches, and hope seems lost, only you can decide to keep going. What reason can you call upon to get back up, to push yourself just a bit further? Look deep down and find that reason. Maybe it's your anger, maybe it's someone who told you that you can't, or maybe you just hate losing. Whatever it is, find your reason, call upon that reason. Bury your pain, and dig for that extra inch, take the best you can do and do better. Understand that all it takes is the decision, your decision to keep going. Nothing more and nothing less. So what's your reason?

Which brings me to a story:

I was playing some hockey earlier this year, and had a really bad game, I let in a bunch of bad goals and just played horribly. I came back to the dressing room all down on myself, when I heard two other players chatting. One was saying to the other that they hadn't seen him in a while. The other replied that his fiancee had been diagnosed with cancer 6 months prior and that she had passed away only the day before. I gave up after 2 or 3 bad goals and resigned myself to self pity after for the rest of the game, and here this man is, the day after his fiancee's death out playing hockey. We can choose to feel bad for ourselves or we can choose to move on.

Oh You (Me) or Somebody That You Used To Know

Here I am pendulum still in full swing, everything changes always. I've given up plans for now, I do much better making shit up as I go. Having said that I would like to present my new life plan following my status update. I am still on welfare. I didn't get coffee with her because we never contacted each other while she was in town. I've joined a gym, ran my first 5KM and in general feel like I've gotten my shit together. I've decided that I am going back to school, looks like it's going to be for 2015 though, and it looks like it's going to be for something sports related, something that will give me some credentials when I apply for instructor positions at local goalie camps, and I also need to get my general coaching certification this summer. I also (as I just mentioned) have joined a gym for the sole purpose of training for the upcoming Play On tournament. Last year was a real disappointment for me, this year I want to (and am) train as much as possible, I want to get a shutout, I want to win a goddamn game, I've upped the stakes a bit with a no shave beard and shave head pact if we don't win at least one game this year. I've been trying to up my stamina, as well hence the 5km runs, my pace is slow now but I hope to have it at or below 25 minutes by the end of May. I've also learned a lot about myself recently for example running is like 95% mental, when I ran my first 5km I wanted to quit on lap 3 of 25 and instead decided to power through, making quitting not an option, when I ran it again (with the goal of always being at least 1 second faster) I realized I was afraid. I was afraid of failure of doing my best and having my best not be good enough, and I realized that I can choose whether or not to fail. If I put the effort in, I can succeed. I just need to learn to not be afraid of trying. I feel like I am on the right track, we are going to win this year, even if it kills me, even if its 1-0 in the shootout after 60 shots in 30 minutes. I will grind out at least one victory.