It's been awhile. So I've more or less decided I need to end my current relationship. I've been flip flopping for awhile now. Like changing my mind every other second. For almost a whole year. I talked it out with a close friend, which was surprisingly helpful. He asked:
"What are your reasons for staying with her?"
I replied sheepishly:
"Uhhhh... boobs and snuggles and stuff"
He made a good point. I love Chelsea. I do. However I believe I am unhappy. Or at least unhappy enough to seriously consider this.
I went to a strip club recently, hadn't had sex in about a month or so. I got my first lap dance, and the realization that I haven't nearly the amount of confidence I thought I had. I am still that same shy, awkward guy I was almost two years ago. When we walked into the strip club and sat down a stripper sat down next to me and casually grazed my crotch. Thank god the lights weren't brighter, I could feel myself blushing. Granted this isn't your everyday situation (pretty girl grazing your junk), but I felt the awkwardness again. I also (during the lap dance) realized a bit of what I was missing. I didn't realize how attracted I could be to someone. Part of it was probably the month without sex before I got there, but all I could do was picture myself sleeping with the scantly clad woman standing in front of me. Had I the money I was offered a $100 blowjob, I declined. Not out of morality mind you, but because I had only $40. It bothered me that I would be willing to cheat so readily.
This brought about a revisit to my questioning of my current circumstances. Again I love my girlfriend, and I would do everything make sure her feelings were never hurt, but I need out. I find myself not as attracted to her as I used to be, she has gained weight (I know I am no model, but I have noticed), she acts childish at times, moody others. She never seems interested in sex, and often she will sleep satisfied, whilst I go without. Which doesn't bother me too much. However if I can write this paragraph about all the things I am upset about, and only come up with boobs, cuddles, and stuff as reasons to stay together, I think it's time.
Problems arise from this decision. I am practically living at her house at the moment. I also work for her grandfather, it's also getting close to Christmas. Basically I need to pay off my debts before I can leave her. To do this I need to get my security license and get some full time hours going. If I can get a steady job, then I can truly move home, and save some money and get everything squared away.
I also have no idea how I am going to tell her. I have never dreaded a conversation this much in my life. She probably thinks everything is fine. Furthermore I thing I am going to be screwed for awhile in terms of dating, I've got no way to meet someone new, and recently got a reminder of how much online dating sucks.
Good news time:
I am getting in shape however. I deliver newspapers Friday, Saturday, I play dodge-ball Wednesday, Floor hockey Saturday, Sunday X2, I play Broom-ball Sunday nights, and soon will be playing Soccer on Sundays as well. So I am feeling pretty good right now.
I've figured out what I want to do with my life, I want to run a Goalie school/camp or be a Goalie coach. I have gotten a pretty decent start with interning at a camp this past summer, and am looking into running some small camps this winter. Words cannot describe how happy I am and how good it feels to work towards a goal.
Depressing news time:
All this pondering over breaking up has got me thinking about the past, furthermore the song lyric in my title phrases it perfectly; "it don't get much dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her.". I have been thinking about Maddie recently, and I remember back to the MSN conversation we had where she said no. Or as I recently have come to realize may have been a "not right now" instead of a straight up "no". I will have to review the saved conversations if they are still there. For something I have reviewed a million times over, I will be pretty pissed if it's the case. Maybe if I had waited, or done something differently? This is all ancient history anyways, the girl I fell in love with is gone, replaced by someone else. Maybe someone better, I'm not sure I want to find out. As she is not the same girl, I am not the same guy. I can't change anything in the past, nor can I attempt anything now, but I sure as hell can't forget.
Wish me luck Darkness.
