So I met with Nikki again today, shes one of the ones from the dating site. Things went pretty good, I have yet to explain my issues, but I think I'll do that later via text message or MSN, we had a lot of fun today, we chatted played some video games. I am however a bit torn, I find her physically attractive, but there's something I can't quite describe about her personality that bugs me. One thing that deserves it own place on the list of pros and cons (under pros)is her eyes, they're a magnificent shade of blue that I've never seen before. Anyway I figure if explain my issues and she's willing to accept/help me with them, then I guess I can accept her baggage as well. Here goes nothing. Compromise is a normal part of any relationship right?
On another note I have another "date" on Monday hopefully that goes well, it's nice to have two shots.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
If it weren't for good luck I wouldn't have any luck at all
The aforementioned drivers ed plan.
So it looks like I've finally got a full time job, just in time too. I've been lying to my parents telling them I've been taking a drivers education course that will cut down on my insurance cost. When the truth is I haven't even booked or paid for it. This might not be a problem if I actually had a job in the mean time to pay for the class, but I kept putting off putting the down payment for it. My parents think I'm almost done the class when really I've been hanging out with my friends downtown weekly. This grand scale deception has been going on for about 6 months now, so if I get caught I am beyond screwed.
But it looks like there is hope. I am getting a $360.00 tax refund, which will allow me to pay for the first half of it, I can cram in the class time, and with my job starting in the next week or so, I can at least get one pay check and pay for the second half, and because the test for my drivers license is in late march, I might be able to pull it off before I'm caught.
Even if I do get caught, my back up plan is to tell my family that the money that I was supposed to use for drivers ed, was put towards therapy sessions, and that I just didn't want to worry them. Kinda lame, but I'm sure I can talk my way out of it, I always do.
So it looks like I've finally got a full time job, just in time too. I've been lying to my parents telling them I've been taking a drivers education course that will cut down on my insurance cost. When the truth is I haven't even booked or paid for it. This might not be a problem if I actually had a job in the mean time to pay for the class, but I kept putting off putting the down payment for it. My parents think I'm almost done the class when really I've been hanging out with my friends downtown weekly. This grand scale deception has been going on for about 6 months now, so if I get caught I am beyond screwed.
But it looks like there is hope. I am getting a $360.00 tax refund, which will allow me to pay for the first half of it, I can cram in the class time, and with my job starting in the next week or so, I can at least get one pay check and pay for the second half, and because the test for my drivers license is in late march, I might be able to pull it off before I'm caught.
Even if I do get caught, my back up plan is to tell my family that the money that I was supposed to use for drivers ed, was put towards therapy sessions, and that I just didn't want to worry them. Kinda lame, but I'm sure I can talk my way out of it, I always do.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Ok I guess this is fresh start?
So I guess I should catch you up on what happened between X-mas and now.
X-mas was good, got some neat stuff, spent most of the time between the 26th and the 30th trying to find an awesome new years party (which I did). My parents left on vacation for a week, so I watched the house, they came back and I quit my job because I hated the people there. They all but begged me to stay, and said that even if I couldn't find a job by June, that they'd hire me back.
Late January I got sick of not knowing anyone, so I decided (cause I'm not desperate) to join not one, but two dating sites. The first one was useless. By February I had joined the second one, which was altogether a much better design. I met one person about a week and a half ago. She seemed nice enough and had really pretty eyes, but also seemed like she had a lot of baggage. Part of me was screaming to just make an excuse to get the hell out of there so I wouldn't have to deal with someone so strange, not to mention that nagging fear of intimacy in the back of my head. But another part of me was like shut up and actually try to get to know someone before you completely pick them apart, no one's perfect. Overall it wasn't a bad date, we walked around town for a bit and talked. We're also going out again this Saturday.
The second person I met seems nice enough, we're going out next Monday for coffee. I half want to explain to both of them, the issues I have with intimacy, but also at the same time I don't want to scare them off. I'm getting kind of sick of this wait and see attitude, at least I have two shots, so if I f*** up the first one then I'll know at least what not to do the second time.
So I guess the question of the day is... Should I explain my issues to them? basically I want a ridiculously slow pace.
X-mas was good, got some neat stuff, spent most of the time between the 26th and the 30th trying to find an awesome new years party (which I did). My parents left on vacation for a week, so I watched the house, they came back and I quit my job because I hated the people there. They all but begged me to stay, and said that even if I couldn't find a job by June, that they'd hire me back.
Late January I got sick of not knowing anyone, so I decided (cause I'm not desperate) to join not one, but two dating sites. The first one was useless. By February I had joined the second one, which was altogether a much better design. I met one person about a week and a half ago. She seemed nice enough and had really pretty eyes, but also seemed like she had a lot of baggage. Part of me was screaming to just make an excuse to get the hell out of there so I wouldn't have to deal with someone so strange, not to mention that nagging fear of intimacy in the back of my head. But another part of me was like shut up and actually try to get to know someone before you completely pick them apart, no one's perfect. Overall it wasn't a bad date, we walked around town for a bit and talked. We're also going out again this Saturday.
The second person I met seems nice enough, we're going out next Monday for coffee. I half want to explain to both of them, the issues I have with intimacy, but also at the same time I don't want to scare them off. I'm getting kind of sick of this wait and see attitude, at least I have two shots, so if I f*** up the first one then I'll know at least what not to do the second time.
So I guess the question of the day is... Should I explain my issues to them? basically I want a ridiculously slow pace.
Laziness is good.
Basically I am using the left overs from what I had written before. More original material to come.
For those of you who don't know me(all of you), here’s how my high school experience went.
For those of you who don't know me(all of you), here’s how my high school experience went.
Grade nine:
Semester 1
Period A: Business Technology –Mr. Davies 55%
Period B: Academic Math – Mrs. Burkok 35%
Period C: Academic English – Mrs. Puddicombe 45%
Period D: French Gym –Mr. Carriere 65%
Semester 2
Period A: Resource – Mr. Dolphin 60%
Period B: Academic Science – Mrs. Finlayson 53%
Period C: Geography – Mrs. Whitfield 45%
Period D: Academic Math – Mr. VanLuven 45%
Summer School:
Period A: Applied Math – Mrs.? 80%
Period B: Academic English – Mrs. Callaghan 66%
Grade ten
Semester 1
Period A: Civics and Careers – Mrs. Thompson 52%
Period B: Woodshop – Mr. Leonhardt 35%
Period C: French Gym – Mr. Carriere 70%
Period D: Academic English 45%
Semester 2 (New School*)
Period A: Communications Technology – Mr.? 73%
Period B: Food and Nutrition – Mrs. Cree 83%
Period C: Applied Math – Mr. Goulet 81%
Period D: Applied Science – Mrs. Pinkerton 78%
Summer School
Period A: Geography – Mrs.? 66%
Period B: Academic English – Mr. Clement 84%
Grade eleven (back to old school)
Semester 1
Period A: Resource – Mrs. Hamilton 60%
Period B: Academic English – Mr. Harty 64%
Period C: Co-op – Mr. Grekul 75%
Period D: Co-op – Mr. Grekul 75% (continued)
Semester 2
Period A: Introduction, to Anthropology, Psychology, and Sociology –Mrs. Howie 35%
Period B: Took a spare.
Period C: Co-op – Mr. Grekul 70%
Period D: Co-op – Mr. Grekul 70% (continued)
Summer School
Period A: Applied Math – Mr. ? 53%
Grade twelve
Semester 1
Period A: Academic English – Mrs. Conacher 70%
Period B: Spare
Period C: Co-op – Mr. Grekul 70%
Period D: Co-op – Mr. Grekul 70% (continued)
Semester 2
Period A: Economics – Mr. Davies 63%
Period B: Co-op – Mr. Grekul 70%
Period C: Co-op – Mr. Grekul 70% (continued)
Period D: French Gym – Mr. Carriere 80%
Thank god for co-op, actually thank god for paid co-op I spent most of grade twelve and grade eleven doing nothing, because I was able to use work hours for my co-op hours. It’s honestly the best way to cheat the system.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Now I am finally caught up.
Dec 23 2010 2:36 AM
I just finished “Catcher in the Rye”, it wasn’t great. It wasn’t bad either. I just think it’s a bit over rated is all. There wasn’t really any plot (of course I’m the one to talk), I kept waiting for the protagonist’s problem, or I guess crisis you’d call it. When really he was just miserable person, and honestly I think it could’ve displayed better than it was. I kept waiting for the story to start and then all of the sudden it was over.
I really want to do something. I am almost tempted to put with my life at the end of that statement. I almost want to save up (X) amount of dollars and do something insane, just get up and go. Just leave. Only for a few months, a few weeks even. Clear my head. Maybe bring someone with me. Just do something crazy and spontaneous. I wouldn’t even tell anyone for the first couple of days, tell them I’m visiting a friend and will be home in a day or two, then call back that night from god knows where, saying that I won’t be home until I have no idea when. Explore or something you know?
Dec 23 2010 4:20 AM
High speed internet = no sleep. It's very strange to have breakfast and then go to bed, only to wake up and have supper almost immediately after... and then shower(you know, cause It's already dark and I can still do stuff till everything closes in 4 hours) I don't remember when I last saw the sun. Seriously with high speed internet, I can surf for hours at a time, come across something vaguely interesting and then research it at will, and continue until I need to sleep.
Dec 25 2010 12:58 AM
Merry Christmas.
"So it looks like our best chance is over the bridge and through the woods"
"Are we going to grandma's house?"
"Shut up Pvt. Hansel this is serious... ok now we have to meet up with Pig Squad and help the reinforce what's left of the brick house, but we gotta make sure Wolf squad doesn't try to flank us"
"Who made up these names, Major... Goldilocks?"
"Shut up, it was Captain Gingerbread's idea"
And Now it'll be slower as I've caught up with my most recent entry.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Making up for lost time...
Wow people from 7 countries have seen this blog.
U.K.
Canada
U.S.A.
France
Denmark
Croatia
Ukraine
Dec 18 2010 12:54 AM
So coffee never panned out with K, and now I shall once again give up. I really want to go back to the way things were and… wait. I can’t just keep wishing for the past. I can however try to make the future better, I am not wholeheartedly into this cause. I want to “feel” again, lets break it down and make it happen.
Hell even as I write this, I don’t want to do it.
- Empathy, a good a place to start as any. Will work on getting a better understanding of it.
I keep trying to be who I was, and the funny part of it is, it’s all coming back, even the stuff I had forgotten and had thought lost. I am getting panic attacks occasionally, thank god I learned how to deal with them. I have an urge to want to believe in god. I have urges to do nice things for people. The only thing that hasn’t come back is my ability to approach people and not instinctively hate them. Honestly I hate all of it. I changed myself for a reason. But if it gives me a chance at a normal relationship it’s worth a shot.
I like the old system.
- Something happens
- Do you care?
No? You’re done!
Yes?
- Do you care for a rational reason?
No? Shut up and ignore/fix the problem.
Yes? Be sad/upset for appropriate length of time, get over it, and you’re done!
Dec 19 2010 1:10 AM
1. "Alright, so we may have a little bit of trouble getting down..."
2. "Difficult? Difficult is an understatement, I can’t even reach my feet."
1. "Someone will probably find us... eventually."
2. " *sigh* Eggs. It’s a five minute walk to the store and somehow you managed this."
1. "It's still better than last year’s vacation."
2. "It's 3 AM why did we even need eggs?"
1. "Hey if you look close enough you can almost see the hotel from here"
2. "Ok, don’t panic, deep breaths
1. “It's kinda blocked by trees and smoke.”
2. “Would you please shut up!”
"Bring me your weak and your old. Your criminals and outcasts. Your beggars and your homeless, and I will create a force the likes of which the world has never seen."
Dec 19 2010 11:27 PM
I really want to get drunk.
Dec 21 2010 1:40
“I'd ask what tragic series of events led me to find you singing in your underwear into an empty toilet paper roll to the spice girls, but I'd much rather come up with my own... Are those... Nail extensions?”
“... Acrylic, yea...”
1. "So what did we learn today?"
2. "Practice what yo-"
1. "No"
2. "Look both ways before yo-"
1. "Try again"
2. "Don’t pick fights with the homeless?"
1. "Still wrong"
3. "Actually that’s not bad advice"
1. "Don't encourage him"
Valentines Day woot : - /
February 14 2011 1:54 PM
So I've never actually been in a relationship on Valentines day, so I have this tradition, where I put together a playlist of songs. Songs are either relationship/love oriented or I attribute them to a girl I liked/had feelings for. So here's a list with songs and a corresponding name if applicable.
Song - Artist - Person
Last Train Home - Lost Prophets - M, aka her.
Ashley - Escape the Fate
Are you Gonna Be my Girl - Jet
Let you Down - Three Days Grace
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol - Kelsie (not yet included in the story)
I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace
I Don't Care - Apocalyptica - Kelsie
Title and Registration - Death Cab for Cutie - M
Ready To Fall - Rise Against
That's What you Get - Paramore
She F***ing Hates Me - Puddle of Mud
Hands in the Sky (Big Shot) - Straylight Run - M
I Like What You Say - Nada Surf
Memories - Weezer - M
Given Up - Linkin Park - K
Miss You - Social Code - M
Blood on my Hands - The Used - M
The Break Up Song - American Hi-Fi - Kelsie
Almost - Bowling for Soup - K
Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
Long December - Counting Crows
The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars - Mel (not yet introduced)
Hey There Delilah - Plain White Ts
Bad Girlfriend - Theory of a Deadman
Memory (acoustic) - Sugarcult - M
Reptillia - The Strokes
Fake it - Seether
Dancing for Rain - Rise Against
Situations - The Used - Mel
Pitiful - Sick Puppies
Pain - Jimmy Eat World
Misery Business - Paramore
The Ex - Billy Talent - Kelsie
But Tonight We Dance - Rise Against
Makedamnsure - Taking Back Sunday - M
In Too Deep - Sum 41
Middle of Nowhere - Hot Hot Heat - Jess (not yet introduced)
Out of my Head - Mobile
Duality - Slipknot - Shelby (not yet introduced)
You are so Beautiful - Escape the Fate
No Surprises - Radio Head
Move Along - All American Rejects - basically for whenever I'm in a bad mood
Mindy's Secret Song - Playradioplay! - M
Blood To Bleed - Rise Against - Kelsie
Flavor of the Week - American Hi-Fi
Good Left Undone - Rise Against - Jess, M, Kelsie
Existentialism on Prom Night - Straylight Run - M
A Little Less Sixteen Candles A Little More "Touch Me" - Fall Out Boy - Jess
Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace
Gives You Hell - All American Rejects - Kelsie
I Miss You - Blink 182
Paralyzer - Finger Eleven
The Approaching Curve - Rise Against
Numb - Linkin Park
Girl All The Bad Guys Want - Bowling For Soup
Lies - Billy Talent
Accidentally in Love - Counting Crows
Whereabouts Unknown - Rise Against
Rough Hands - Alexisonfire - Kelsie
The Messenger - Linkin Park - M
Scottie Doesn't Know - Sum 41
Whatshername - Green Day
Popular - Nada Surf
Tear Away - Drowning Pool
Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield - M (it's great because her boyfriend's name is Jessie)
Sloop John B - Beach Boys
So I've never actually been in a relationship on Valentines day, so I have this tradition, where I put together a playlist of songs. Songs are either relationship/love oriented or I attribute them to a girl I liked/had feelings for. So here's a list with songs and a corresponding name if applicable.
Song - Artist - Person
Last Train Home - Lost Prophets - M, aka her.
Ashley - Escape the Fate
Are you Gonna Be my Girl - Jet
Let you Down - Three Days Grace
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol - Kelsie (not yet included in the story)
I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace
I Don't Care - Apocalyptica - Kelsie
Title and Registration - Death Cab for Cutie - M
Ready To Fall - Rise Against
That's What you Get - Paramore
She F***ing Hates Me - Puddle of Mud
Hands in the Sky (Big Shot) - Straylight Run - M
I Like What You Say - Nada Surf
Memories - Weezer - M
Given Up - Linkin Park - K
Miss You - Social Code - M
Blood on my Hands - The Used - M
The Break Up Song - American Hi-Fi - Kelsie
Almost - Bowling for Soup - K
Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
Long December - Counting Crows
The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars - Mel (not yet introduced)
Hey There Delilah - Plain White Ts
Bad Girlfriend - Theory of a Deadman
Memory (acoustic) - Sugarcult - M
Reptillia - The Strokes
Fake it - Seether
Dancing for Rain - Rise Against
Situations - The Used - Mel
Pitiful - Sick Puppies
Pain - Jimmy Eat World
Misery Business - Paramore
The Ex - Billy Talent - Kelsie
But Tonight We Dance - Rise Against
Makedamnsure - Taking Back Sunday - M
In Too Deep - Sum 41
Middle of Nowhere - Hot Hot Heat - Jess (not yet introduced)
Out of my Head - Mobile
Duality - Slipknot - Shelby (not yet introduced)
You are so Beautiful - Escape the Fate
No Surprises - Radio Head
Move Along - All American Rejects - basically for whenever I'm in a bad mood
Mindy's Secret Song - Playradioplay! - M
Blood To Bleed - Rise Against - Kelsie
Flavor of the Week - American Hi-Fi
Good Left Undone - Rise Against - Jess, M, Kelsie
Existentialism on Prom Night - Straylight Run - M
A Little Less Sixteen Candles A Little More "Touch Me" - Fall Out Boy - Jess
Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace
Gives You Hell - All American Rejects - Kelsie
I Miss You - Blink 182
Paralyzer - Finger Eleven
The Approaching Curve - Rise Against
Numb - Linkin Park
Girl All The Bad Guys Want - Bowling For Soup
Lies - Billy Talent
Accidentally in Love - Counting Crows
Whereabouts Unknown - Rise Against
Rough Hands - Alexisonfire - Kelsie
The Messenger - Linkin Park - M
Scottie Doesn't Know - Sum 41
Whatshername - Green Day
Popular - Nada Surf
Tear Away - Drowning Pool
Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield - M (it's great because her boyfriend's name is Jessie)
Sloop John B - Beach Boys
Was away from home for a few days, multiple updates today *edit*
Dec 6 2010 10:31 PM
What’s with me and giving up? I really thought I could handle this. It came to me today that if she came up and asked me out, or if I had to ask her out, I don’t think I could do it. There are times when I am optimistic and think I could get over the whole fear of intimacy thing, other times (i.e. now) when I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to kiss a girl again.
I keep telling myself, “small steps” but that only works if I move forward. Hell I messaged her on fb chat today, but she stopped responding after hello, and then my browser crashed, and I’m not sure if she responded and it didn’t show up, or if she just didn’t respond. Every time there’s even the smallest setback, I want to curl up and quit for good, and at the same time I really want this to work out, I want to get close to someone with no problem, and of course the thousand mile journey started with one step.
I almost want to try to tell someone I know, I’m not sure they’d understand, and if they did I was never one to display weaknesses unless necessary. Hell I guess part of it is like fear of fucking up, so then when I don’t try, then I didn’t actually fuck up. Screw therapy apparently I’ll post my thoughts on the internet.
I think I’ll ask K to coffee again soon, I’ll need money though. Thank god I just started my new job yesterday. It’s seems to be alright but it does get busy. Now for some more terrible emo shit that I wrote:
Good old fashioned fun, most often found near alcohol, is now almost extinct in many schools and homes across the country and may soon be gone forever. But with your generous donation to your local LCBO you can help ensure that fun will never go extinct. Please help bring fun back into our schools and homes.
Tell your parents, you're not coming home tonight, inform your boss your boss you're not going to work in the morning, and tell your friends, we're going out tonight.
I'd rather go the long complicated route, to avoid even a fraction of uncomfort in short route. For the people that know me all I have to mention is "The Drivers Ed Plan"
Hide from happiness, strive for mediocrity, and wallow in self pity. Sacrifice everything, hope for the world, and then settle for less than you deserve. The World is full of inspiration.
"Evidently I would choose insanity over unhappiness, hate over reality."
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