I enabled comments but for some reason they're not showing up on my screen.... w/e

Oct 10 2010

It is the day we are to meet for coffee. I am terrified. In the back of my mind, I realize that if I go through with this, I will probably never see her again. I start running through excuses as to why I shouldn’t do this. This time “You’re doing this” does not bring the inspiration I need.

It is 2:10, I meet her in front of the local Y.M.C.A., and she just finished working a shift at a nearby library. We are to walk to the coffee shop together. The moment I see her, I realize I can’t tell her today, because I want to see her again. We talk. Just like old times, I ask about her future plans (She’s told me before, I just like hearing her voice), we talk about the past. We talk about music, television, anything that comes to mind. I never thought it’d feel like it did before. It was like nothing had changed, like we were sitting in a capsule unaffected by time. I was captivated by her smile, her eyes, her voice. The two hours went by quickly. We said goodbye, but this did not feel like a final goodbye. Hopefully we will meet again.

Somewhat depressed, I walked back to the house I was staying at. While I was kicking myself for being a coward, I appreciated that I got to have my one more day with her. All I had to do was wait three years.

Oct 15 2010

I have a new plan now, I hope to see her again but there is a possibility that this will not happen. Even then I don’t believe for a second I have the courage to say this in person. My plan is to send her a message. Tell her how I feel. I haven’t decided the medium yet but I still have 15 days.

Oct 16 2010 1:11 AM

My entries thus far have been written whilst looking back upon past events. Now I have caught up to my current life, and entries will be dated, for better or for worse, this is my life. Time to get some sleep. 14 days.

Im away for awhile, will update If I can

For now, I shall open comments. For the unlucky few who stumbleu pon this blog.

lIFE TO BUSY SPLOTCHY UPDATES

Sept 7 2010

So I hatched a rather hasty plan, I was going to tell her how I felt. Of course like any well thought out plan, it was time sensitive. She is to leave at the end of this month. I ask her “Are you up for a talk sometime soon?” She replies “Absolutely, when and where?”. We set it up for a week later at a local coffee shop.

I wait. I plan. I word out my feelings into small manageable bite size chunks. I tell myself this is it. I tell myself that I know I don’t expect her to drop her plans, to leave her boyfriend (with whom she is living). I make a note to mention this, to tell her that I just want to say this before she leaves, even though I don’t expect her to reciprocate. Although in a deep recess of my mind I wish she would.

Oct 3 2010

A week passes with agonizing slowness and dread. I should probably mention I am terrified of emotions of any kind. Sharing things like this brings the sense of dread I believe should be reserved for people resting on their deathbed before their time. Each day my resolve drains, I repeat to myself every time I start to panic, “You’re doing this.” Some days I’m more convincing than others.

Oct 9 2010

It’s the night before we are expected to meet. I am drinking. I ask a friend for advice on the matter. He explains that when this happens it’ll be very awkward. He says I should express my wish to maintain contact after I pour my heart out. I look at him quizzically. He explains “In French there are two ways to say ‘good bye’, one being ‘au revoir’. You know what that means right?” I respond “Yea it means good bye”. He sighed “No it means ‘until we meet again’. Whereas the second way of biding a farewell is to say ‘adieu’ this literally means ‘until god’. You want to make sure she knows that you aren’t doing this as a last ditch effort to get with her.” There was a pause. “A good sentiment indeed, I’ll try to remember that tomorrow when I’m choking on my own words.”

I guess I'll continue with this.

June 24^th 2010

After obsessing over every detail in that note for a few days, I decide I should send her a message. Ask if maybe she wants to be friends again. She again writes exactly what I want to hear. We’re to meet at a local music store, when I get there I almost don’t recognize her at first. Those eyes, oh God those eyes. It’s her. I thought that maybe after not talking, and awkwardly passing in the hallway at school for three years might make things weird. Instead we’re immediately catching up on all that’s happened in three years, reminiscing on old times, not once mentioning the fact we had ignored each others existence for 3 and a half years.

Over the next few months we got together for a couple of runs and a few chats. I thought going into this, that I’d be happy with just being friends. That all I was missing was her laugh, and her eyes.

The pain is excruciating. When I see her, I want it to be the way it was. I want to go back and change everything. I want to break down and tell her I can’t see her anymore. That the small bit of happiness isn’t worth the agony. I want to tell her how I feel, tell her that, even though we never had a relationship, even though we hadn’t talked in three years, even though she’s dating someone else, that I love her.

Sept 6 2010

Once, when I was drunk, during a heart to heart, my friend asked me, “Have you ever loved anyone?”. At first my response was “Not yet.”, but after a few seconds I thought that if I didn’t love her, then I don't think I know what love is.

Borrrinngggg

I could continue this lame story, but I'd rather not at the moment, I'll restructure it and edit it, maybe later ill post it. For now, I'll post the most important part of the story

June 22 2010

 That was 4 years ago. Fast forward. It is my last day of high school. There she stands on the balcony next to her boyfriend, I ask “Will you sign my year book?”. She looked down and when she smiled at me, the years melted away, lost in her eyes, like nothing had changed. I met her halfway up the stairs. She sat down. I handed her my book. She wrote down her message. She closed the book and then handed it to me with a smile. I took the book. Clutching it tightly to my chest like a closely guarded secret, as I walked to the car in agonizing anticipation.

The 45 second walk to the car felt more like a day, I agonized over what she might have wrote, knowing it was not anything near what I hoped. As I read my heart sank. “I’m sorry we drifted apart in gr. 9… You were such a good friend to me I’ll always appreciate wh(scribbled out) our friendship. Good luck next year!”. I feel… something. A bittersweet mixture of nostalgia and happiness mixed with a tinge of regret. I threw away a possible three years of friendship with her. However much I kick myself now, I realize I fucked it up pretty badly. I am Jack’s repressed memories.

Nov 17 2006 Of Course The Next Logical Step Is...

 What I remember:

            After a long time of thinking, I decide I want to try for this. I ask her friend where she is. She says she is away camping. She will be back on later tonight. So in agony I wait.

            I reluctantly admit to one of her friends I have a crush on her. She agrees to relay the message. I wait. Her friend says that she won’t be online until Sunday. I wait.

What was probably the reality:

After about an hour, I figure I've got nothing to lose, so I go about trying to do it right away before I change my mind.

Shortly after I tell her friend that I have a crush, and she assures me that she'll pass on the message. Waiting is awesome.

Saturday Nov 11 2006 did I break a mirror or what?

What I remember:

I am sitting at home, browsing on my computer, when I receive an instant message from one of her friends. They say they knew a secret about me. My curiosity is piqued. After a rousing game of 20 questions, I extract the information. My world is shaken, at first I am angry, I know that if I act on this it could destroy everything. I in fact predict that all is lost. I want to ignore it. But to hell with that it's not broken yet.

What was probably the reality:


I was on MSN one night, when one of her friends decides she wants to start shit, I am to clueless to avoid the conversation that will ultimately be my downfall. Of course me being the sensible teenager that I am, I decide to act on untrustworthy information

Oct 14 2006 epic fail

What I remember:

She means everything to me. We talk all the time, we hang out during lunch, we sit together in class, and we talk endlessly, hours into the night. She is my best friend. I could talk to her about anything, she reads the books I reads, likes the music I likes, and while I do not believe in soul mates, nor do I believe that anyone will understand me as a whole, but if anyone were to come close it would have to be her. We are by no means dating, but I do believe I like her. I think she feels the same way. I fear losing everything. I have never connected to anyone like I connect to her. I do not want to lose the privilege of being her friend.

What was probably the reality:

We were pretty close. We talked occasionally when we hung out at lunch, we talked on MSN for a few hours every now and then. We like some of the same stuff, and immediately I'm sure, no two people have ever been closer. I like her, she might have liked me, and I was too much of a coward to do anything about it.

Sept ? 2006 again with the hormones?

What I remember:

At first I do not put much effort into getting to know her. She is outside of my social circle. But then I meet her friends and we all start hanging out together as a group. We begin to talk, I immediately feel a connection. I want to see where this goes.

            We sit next to each other in English class, we share what we write. I like her poems. The goddamn English teacher notices that I’m not the smiling type, and sees fit to ridicule me by saying smile in the most ridiculous tone until I can’t help but laugh. The teacher also sees fit to separate us. At one point a girl asks if we are dating, of course I reply that it’s preposterous.

            She takes me skipping for the first time, a habit I can see myself getting into. We start at Dairy Queen, then we walk into a Blockbuster, from there we proceeded to a local music store and we listen to “When You Were Young” by the Killers. It is one of my more favorite memories.

What was probably the reality:  

I spent every second hoping she would talk to me. Then my group of friends merged with hers. Again hormones lead me to believe I've found the perfect girl.

By pure luck the teacher put me next to her, until she realizes that I'm not doing my work, and I am moved to another part of the classroom. One girl asks if were dating, and I deny it. Looking back I don't remember why. 

She takes me skipping, it was ok. I spent most of the time worrying about getting caught. We listened to a song I used to like, and I can hardly remember the day at all now. EDIT*: It was When you were young by the Killers, at Sunrise. Jen was there too.