Backstory part 4:
The only problem was half of them were gone. My two best friends at the time were Kyle and Steve, both of whom had left for a semester long focus program. They also happened to be the people I used to skip class with, and since they weren't around I had to convert another one of my friends. That's where Marcel comes in. He hated his history class, and I was lazy so we ended up hanging out during second period, usually heading downtown, thus a friendship was born. Other than the fact I passed English with a 70 whilst possessing the largest amount of absences in the class (35), it was a largely uneventful semester. I could go on about still coveting some feelings for my at the time ex, but that story is much to long for such a disappointing ending (AKA I'll tell it later)
Second semester is when Steve, and Kyle came back. Kyle was quick to join or group but Steven (understandably) stayed back and hung out mostly with his girlfriend. Occasionally I would see if he wanted to skip but he kept saying he wanted to actually get good grades this semester. Which was kind of disappointing, but not all that bad because people are easily corrupted, and for all intents and purposes things were better than ever.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Honestly that never happened
So I'll take a break from back story for now, update on some more recent events.
Nikki informed me that she is moving to Ottawa in 3 months. So there goes that train. I guess I could keep trying for the girl who lives closer to me. She's usually pretty busy though. I don't know maybe I'll just give it a rest for awhile.
It's also my friends 19th birthday, so go check out his blog, the link is in the upper right hand corner of the page.
Nikki informed me that she is moving to Ottawa in 3 months. So there goes that train. I guess I could keep trying for the girl who lives closer to me. She's usually pretty busy though. I don't know maybe I'll just give it a rest for awhile.
It's also my friends 19th birthday, so go check out his blog, the link is in the upper right hand corner of the page.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
"I have my mothers dreams, I have my fathers eyes, you can't take that from me, just go ahead and try"
Going away for a few days, updates should still occur regularly.
Back story part 3:
After a rather boring and isolated summer. I woke up early got on my bus, after a year of not seeing my bus driver. It was so odd, not nearly as familiar as I thought it would be. I got to school, and I realized how much I had missed it. I was kind of lost when I got there. I walked through the basement and saw that they had put up some paint while I was gone, some rainbow colors and motivational posters. I didn't really have a social group to go back to. My best friend at the time Steven, who I had skipped many a class with before I left, was taking a one semester focus program. So I tried to find anyone else I remembered, I ended up hanging with the remnants of my old group of friends.
TBC (because I'm tired)
Back story part 3:
After a rather boring and isolated summer. I woke up early got on my bus, after a year of not seeing my bus driver. It was so odd, not nearly as familiar as I thought it would be. I got to school, and I realized how much I had missed it. I was kind of lost when I got there. I walked through the basement and saw that they had put up some paint while I was gone, some rainbow colors and motivational posters. I didn't really have a social group to go back to. My best friend at the time Steven, who I had skipped many a class with before I left, was taking a one semester focus program. So I tried to find anyone else I remembered, I ended up hanging with the remnants of my old group of friends.
TBC (because I'm tired)
"It's really quite pleasant, and so far the smell, mama we all go to hell"
Back story part 2: "All because of you, I believe in angels, not the kind with wings, not kind with halos, the kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strange place"
So like I said amidst this man made hell, I had a beacon of hope. A reason to strive to achieve the goals necessary for my release. This girl that from about the time I left my home, and for about a week after I got to my grandparents, I talked to endlessly, and who agreed to a long distance relationship (yea I know they don't work <nerd joke><inside joke>shut up holly</inside joke></nerd joke>). Her name was Kelsie, and she was my world. My only reason to wake up, my only reason, to work towards getting home. I spent every possible second online talking to her on MSN, every day waiting to see her on cam, and every second dreaming of a future with her.
It started off pretty good, we talked and we were happy. Whenever I went home to visit my mom for a weekend, I'd always schedule a date with Kelsie. Hell my first real date was with her. We had walked along the waterfront and then went to go see a movie (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), and it is still one of my nicer memories of well... ever.
Even talking about nothing on MSN with her, was some of the best conversation I ever had. Just knowing I had something to look forward to, a reason to exist. Which was good because after a few months of hell things we're getting pretty bleak. The few friends I had had at my old school I wasn't all that close with so we never talked, and after awhile it felt like I only really had her.
In mid March I went home to visit my mom, and found out that my horse that I had grown up with was having difficulty with its feet, which if you know anything about horses, pretty much indicates a death sentence. So I was told that the only reason she was still alive was so that I could come back to say goodbye. To put in a way that puts things into perspective. I've only ever really loved Her (if you've been reading you know who I'm talking about , Kelsie, and that horse. We practically grew up together. Anyway we had to have her put down. Which at the time seemed rather surreal, like it wasn't happening at all, like I'd wake up from a nightmare. This was the first time I'd really had to deal with loss, and something just clicked inside me. An option I didn't think that existed popped up. To deal with the stress, I just simply stopped caring. Which was surprisingly easy and has made life easier ever since. It felt a little like getting caught for a crime and the just getting let off the hook. But I digress.
So anyway back to Kelsie. On May 17th (uh-oh he said the exact date) I saw the following conversation on my computer screen when I got home from school:
So like I said amidst this man made hell, I had a beacon of hope. A reason to strive to achieve the goals necessary for my release. This girl that from about the time I left my home, and for about a week after I got to my grandparents, I talked to endlessly, and who agreed to a long distance relationship (yea I know they don't work <nerd joke><inside joke>shut up holly</inside joke></nerd joke>). Her name was Kelsie, and she was my world. My only reason to wake up, my only reason, to work towards getting home. I spent every possible second online talking to her on MSN, every day waiting to see her on cam, and every second dreaming of a future with her.
It started off pretty good, we talked and we were happy. Whenever I went home to visit my mom for a weekend, I'd always schedule a date with Kelsie. Hell my first real date was with her. We had walked along the waterfront and then went to go see a movie (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), and it is still one of my nicer memories of well... ever.
Even talking about nothing on MSN with her, was some of the best conversation I ever had. Just knowing I had something to look forward to, a reason to exist. Which was good because after a few months of hell things we're getting pretty bleak. The few friends I had had at my old school I wasn't all that close with so we never talked, and after awhile it felt like I only really had her.
In mid March I went home to visit my mom, and found out that my horse that I had grown up with was having difficulty with its feet, which if you know anything about horses, pretty much indicates a death sentence. So I was told that the only reason she was still alive was so that I could come back to say goodbye. To put in a way that puts things into perspective. I've only ever really loved Her (if you've been reading you know who I'm talking about , Kelsie, and that horse. We practically grew up together. Anyway we had to have her put down. Which at the time seemed rather surreal, like it wasn't happening at all, like I'd wake up from a nightmare. This was the first time I'd really had to deal with loss, and something just clicked inside me. An option I didn't think that existed popped up. To deal with the stress, I just simply stopped caring. Which was surprisingly easy and has made life easier ever since. It felt a little like getting caught for a crime and the just getting let off the hook. But I digress.
So anyway back to Kelsie. On May 17th (uh-oh he said the exact date) I saw the following conversation on my computer screen when I got home from school:
5/19/2008 6:42:46 PM *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)]
give me a shout- we need to talk
5/19/2008 7:52:40 PM Calvin
so what do we need to talk about?
5/19/2008 7:52:51 PM *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)]
well....
5/19/2008 7:52:59 PM *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)]
Ugh this is weird to be saying >.<
5/19/2008 7:53:23 PM Calvin
?
5/19/2008 7:53:45 PM *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)]
me and u sorta did drift:S and someone asked me out today
5/19/2008 7:53:49 PM *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)]
and I accepted.
5/19/2008 7:54:05 PM Calvin
ok ….
So as you can see, after 6 months of waiting, and dreaming and hoping, and just 1 month before I'm go home for good she drops that on me. At 5/19/2008 7:53:50 PM is the exact moment I stopped caring. I simply gave up. Cause fuck feelings. If this is what you get every time you invest yourself into anything. I don't get why anyone would do this to themselves.
What did I do? What could I do, I buckled down, aced the final section of my course work and went home. The person who came back, was not the same person who left. Immune to any pain, indifferent to anyone's suffering. Between suicide girl, and the events that transpired while I was away, I definitely had no reason to care about anyone else's problems. In fact I found it almost musing to watch people struggle sometimes.
[Oh god is he ever going to shut up] or as I like to say... TBC
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I am a world before I was a man.
All of my subject lines, from the last post and on, will be lyrics from the song I am listening to at the time of the post.
Back Story part 1:
So if you even read the post on my high school grades you can guess I was a pretty shitty student up until the second semester of grade ten. In fact I failed half of my classes up until that point. Which is what caused my parents to send me to go live with my grandparents. Which don't get me wrong I love them to death, but OH MY FUCKING GOD! They're the most overbearing, passive aggressive people I know, and I'm sure they only mean the best, but living there was an absolute hell. My grandmother was a teacher and she made me sit down every night, and review every single one of my notes.
As an example of my living conditions here's an example of a conversation that actually happened:
*grandfather sits in chair*
*grandmother is sitting on couch watching television*
*grandmother looks up, and points to empty chair across the room*
"You know that's a good chair, how come no one ever sits in that chair? It's a good chair, we paid a lot of money for that chair."
*grandfather goes to get up*
"I'll sit in the chair"
"Well don't sit in the chair if you don't want to."
"I want to sit in the chair"
"No you're just saying that to make me feel better"
"No I genuinely wanted to sit in the chair, but since you don't want me to I'll stay here"
*I scream in the background*
Ok so that was just an example of the type of conversations that were held multiple times daily. Another aspect of this hell, was the school. It was a tiny school on a military base, making attendance mandatory, skipping was impossible. Which really sucked because I was used to skipping multiple times a week. In fact in my old school I had skipped (and passed) grade eleven English 33 times out of 84. The whole exercise was pure torture.
Alas there was a glimmer of hope...
TBC... (to be continued...)
Back Story part 1:
So if you even read the post on my high school grades you can guess I was a pretty shitty student up until the second semester of grade ten. In fact I failed half of my classes up until that point. Which is what caused my parents to send me to go live with my grandparents. Which don't get me wrong I love them to death, but OH MY FUCKING GOD! They're the most overbearing, passive aggressive people I know, and I'm sure they only mean the best, but living there was an absolute hell. My grandmother was a teacher and she made me sit down every night, and review every single one of my notes.
As an example of my living conditions here's an example of a conversation that actually happened:
*grandfather sits in chair*
*grandmother is sitting on couch watching television*
*grandmother looks up, and points to empty chair across the room*
"You know that's a good chair, how come no one ever sits in that chair? It's a good chair, we paid a lot of money for that chair."
*grandfather goes to get up*
"I'll sit in the chair"
"Well don't sit in the chair if you don't want to."
"I want to sit in the chair"
"No you're just saying that to make me feel better"
"No I genuinely wanted to sit in the chair, but since you don't want me to I'll stay here"
*I scream in the background*
Ok so that was just an example of the type of conversations that were held multiple times daily. Another aspect of this hell, was the school. It was a tiny school on a military base, making attendance mandatory, skipping was impossible. Which really sucked because I was used to skipping multiple times a week. In fact in my old school I had skipped (and passed) grade eleven English 33 times out of 84. The whole exercise was pure torture.
Alas there was a glimmer of hope...
TBC... (to be continued...)
Monday, February 28, 2011
This Muscle Junkie tied me down...
So the date didn't happen. She was working tonight, so I give up. I'll just go with Nikki as my only prospect. Yippee. I still won't be able to see her for at least 8-11 days.
On another note, my friend is willing to front me the drivers ed money. So no matter what, I've got this. I know it's not much of an update but it's all that I've got for now, still working on backstory.
On another note, my friend is willing to front me the drivers ed money. So no matter what, I've got this. I know it's not much of an update but it's all that I've got for now, still working on backstory.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
You know if I stayed home for more than 5 seconds, maybe updating regularly wouldn't be so difficult
I've been busy... and yet not a whole lot has happened. I went to visit my cousin for the first time in like 6 months. It wasn't too bad, I got to meet his girlfriend. I swear to god everyone is getting laid left right and center but me. My cousin who's a year younger has slept with at least 2 people (possibly three). All of my friends except for two have done it, and one probably will within the next month if he hasn't already, and the other one I think will be a virgin forever. He's really my last chance to beat anyone. Anyway....
The walls are closing in for drivers ed, and I think I might still be screwed, but I can usually squirm my way out of difficult situations, and if this in anyway works out so that my parents don't kill me I'm writing a goddamn book.
I haven't seen Nikki since my last post, and it's not likely I'll see her for at least 2 weeks. The more I think about it, the less I like the idea of pursuing a relationship with her. But I've been in an anti-social mood for the last few days. Sleep is becoming more and more difficult, I dread lying down at night, I'm getting panic attacks almost every night. These aren't debilitating because I know how to handle them, but they're still extremely unpleasant. I remember now why I had my sleep schedule set the way it was:
Monday - Friday
Up: at 5:45 - 6:00 AM
Sleep: 1:30 - 2:00 AM
Saturday - Sunday
Up: 5:45 - 6:00 AM
Sleep: 12:00 - 1:00 AM
Every 3rd or 4th Sunday
Up: 5:45 - 6:00 AM
Asleep: 6:00 - 7:00 PM
The explanation being I lived about 30 minutes from my school and the bus came to pick me up at 6:20 in the morning on week days, and I worked weekend shifts from 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM and we lived thirty minutes away, and it takes me 30 -40 minutes to get ready hence I just got up the same time every day. The explanation for staying awake so long at night was so that I was always too tired to stew in my own thoughts and went to sleep within a minute or so. The problem is now, I am out of school and am unemployed. So now its:
Everyday:
Up: 11:15 AM - 12:30 PM
In bed and waiting for sleep: anywhere between 12:30 - 3:30 AM
and now that I'm not constantly sleep deprived, it takes me 20 + minutes to get to sleep at night. Therein lies the problem. I have time to think, and thinking for me isn't good. During the day when I'm distracted I'm fine, at night, when I can concentrate is the worst. I won't go into details at the moment, but it's starting to feel like it did a long time ago.
On another note, I have a date tomorrow, another more or less blind date. I hope I'm in a more social mood. Its getting boring hating everyone I meet at first sight. I'm sure the people I meet are fine, but I somehow always manage to find a way to pick apart their personality until I'm sick of them. Good thing I already have friends.
I'm starting to have second thoughts about college. Yes I want to go, but the things I applied/were accepted for seem dull and pointless. None of them seem like careers that will make me happy. Oh well like always I'm sure I'll figure something out. I always do.
The walls are closing in for drivers ed, and I think I might still be screwed, but I can usually squirm my way out of difficult situations, and if this in anyway works out so that my parents don't kill me I'm writing a goddamn book.
I haven't seen Nikki since my last post, and it's not likely I'll see her for at least 2 weeks. The more I think about it, the less I like the idea of pursuing a relationship with her. But I've been in an anti-social mood for the last few days. Sleep is becoming more and more difficult, I dread lying down at night, I'm getting panic attacks almost every night. These aren't debilitating because I know how to handle them, but they're still extremely unpleasant. I remember now why I had my sleep schedule set the way it was:
Monday - Friday
Up: at 5:45 - 6:00 AM
Sleep: 1:30 - 2:00 AM
Saturday - Sunday
Up: 5:45 - 6:00 AM
Sleep: 12:00 - 1:00 AM
Every 3rd or 4th Sunday
Up: 5:45 - 6:00 AM
Asleep: 6:00 - 7:00 PM
The explanation being I lived about 30 minutes from my school and the bus came to pick me up at 6:20 in the morning on week days, and I worked weekend shifts from 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM and we lived thirty minutes away, and it takes me 30 -40 minutes to get ready hence I just got up the same time every day. The explanation for staying awake so long at night was so that I was always too tired to stew in my own thoughts and went to sleep within a minute or so. The problem is now, I am out of school and am unemployed. So now its:
Everyday:
Up: 11:15 AM - 12:30 PM
In bed and waiting for sleep: anywhere between 12:30 - 3:30 AM
and now that I'm not constantly sleep deprived, it takes me 20 + minutes to get to sleep at night. Therein lies the problem. I have time to think, and thinking for me isn't good. During the day when I'm distracted I'm fine, at night, when I can concentrate is the worst. I won't go into details at the moment, but it's starting to feel like it did a long time ago.
On another note, I have a date tomorrow, another more or less blind date. I hope I'm in a more social mood. Its getting boring hating everyone I meet at first sight. I'm sure the people I meet are fine, but I somehow always manage to find a way to pick apart their personality until I'm sick of them. Good thing I already have friends.
I'm starting to have second thoughts about college. Yes I want to go, but the things I applied/were accepted for seem dull and pointless. None of them seem like careers that will make me happy. Oh well like always I'm sure I'll figure something out. I always do.
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