"I'm passed the point of breaking and I'm Not sure if I'm a gonna make it I'll keep this gift from breaking as long as you believe."

So I don't know. I am starting to realize that girls are interchangeable, the feelings come and go, all you need is a warm body. Don't get me wrong I do like Natalie and right now she's really the most realistic prospect I have, but I am pretty sure if another girl came along I'd have no problem with the transition. That being said, the closeness I felt with Natalie was I think amplified by my preexisting feelings towards her. I felt nothing when I was with Cayla, the cuddling was nice but I was bothered by her train-wreck-ness.

I feel like I've had too much to drink and no I'm going to be sick and have a hangover in the morning, I'm just looking for a way to either sleep it off or drink until I'm dead. I almost wish she were leaving, then I could ignore and forget her. But nooooo the universe has different plans in which I suffer much longer. I wonder how many times I can flip flop opinions in one post.

Sleep comes now, all I have to do is wait, just like always I will wait. Until forever ends.

"I think therefore I suffer"

So I am now regretting never trying harder with Natalie in high school, could spent that time building something, instead didn't. This still bothers me, I can all but still feel her fingers tracing circles on my chest.

Hockey is progressing well, I am playing 5 days a week and am usually super tired come Friday and despite some setbacks as of recently, such as having to relearn some basic positioning and overcoming a fear of the puck, I think I am really making a lot of progress. I can skate a whole game now, I don't need a rest every 5 minutes, and usually play for the whole 2 hours if they let us. I am interested to see how well I would do at the beep test now.

I got my skates profiled today I'm hoping this will be a game changer, I had some issues with movement to my glove side, and the guy says this should help.

As for the puck shyness I was doing well until I caught a slap shot to my arm near my elbow, it left a bump and a blood blister, at the time I couldn't hold on to my stick for a minute or so. I have to keep focusing on watching the puck and staying square to the shooter.

This usually works out fine until I get the occasional vivid flashback and I have to focus on the situation at hand, I'm really hoping this goes away soon, I miss sleep.

"Everyday I'm Shufflin"

So long day today. Got up played hockey, got my tax return filed, and bought groceries, carry $150 in groceries up to apartment by myself in one trip, put everything away, only to find this message on MSN:
Natalie: Hey you should check your phone, I was in Kingston earlier I wanted to see if you were free to hang out.
Me: Fuck.
I then calmly explained that my phone is out of money and texted her my temp number. But this makes me happy, I'm glad she was serious about wanting to hang out again, also she got into school in Kingston, which means more time for me to plot and pine.

In related news Hockey Chick, declined my invitation to coffee, citing life issues or something, which is good because I keep forgetting how awkward first dates are.

I guess that's it.

"Just like you cannot un-know, you also cannot un-send"

So I did it. I told her. It nearly killed me but I did it. The moment she came online I couldn't breath, no doubt my body's attempt to kill me in order to prevent me from completing said task. I immediately forgot what I planned to tell her, and had to bring up the previous post to proceed. The one where I said, it had been a disaster so far, and would probably continue as such. Well check it out.

So I laid it all out, I told her how I felt, I straight up told another human being how I honestly felt about them, and I didn't burst into flames. It went pretty good considering how invested I was in this. She told me much the same of what I expected, she wasn't looking for a relationship. I told her that was fine. I went in with all the subtlety of a warhammer wielding orc.

Me:                                 heyy


Natalie:                                 hello

Me:                                 sup?

Natalie:                                 nothing much being lazy you?

Me:                                 not too much just lazing around

Natalie:                                 oh nice

Me:                                 so about sunday

Natalie:                                 sunday?

Me:                                 i mean last sunday

Natalie:                                 ohh

Natalie:                                 xD

Natalie:                                 I was like "shit did I plan something?"

Natalie:                                 D:

    Me:                             i know you said you weren't looking for a relationship and I get that, but I've beenn thinking these last couple days, and I really like you, and I do want to pursue something, I don't expect anything from this conversation, it's just something I really needed to say
                                I guess I mean i two sundays ago XD

    Natalie:                             hmmm I do like you don't get me wrong, but honestly I don't think a relationship in that way would be good, I don't think I could deal with that at this moment in time. But I still would love to hang out and spend time together when I can : ]

Me:                                 so 100% as friends correct?

    Natalie:                             yes :] because I don't think a relationship can fit into my life and honestly I don't want to fuck up anymore with people are care about right now D;

I threw that last part in there to crush any hope seeds that might have resulted from that spectacle. It didn't. Because as it turns out she's staying. She's. Motherfucking. Staying. If I knew that going in, I would have just waited for another opportunity. I was pretty sure I could drum one up if I got the chance. I just needed time. Time was something I thought I didn't have, so I figured desperation effort was the ticket. I still stand by my theory that I can garner another shot, I just have to be patient. Patient is something I can do, she did seem enthusiastic about hanging out again.

This whole disaster has been a great learning experience if nothing else. In other related news I wimped out and sent hockey chick a message, asking her to coffee. Hopefully that goes well. I think I can finally sleep now. I got some closure. Oh and stay tuned for "The return" coming in late December.

"Burn Burn, The Life That You Can Choose, Burn Burn, The Hate That Get's You Through, Burn Burn, For Us, For Them, For You"

Ok so after carefully reviewing (read: obsessing) the situation, it was brought to my attention that maybe I should, you know, talk to her. The simplicity and perfectness of this answer boggles my mind. I've been here before, getting ready to spill my heart out to a girl whose about to leave. I like this option, it gives me some control over the situation, also closure. Mostly closure.

Apparently not only am I within my rights to want something based on that night, but should have spoken up a lot sooner. I'm not saying that I demand for something, but it's nice to know I have some basis for the upcoming conversation. Again I don't want to plan word for word, because I'll end up messing some part up and getting flustered but I also want a general outline of what I'm going to say. I think it ought to sound like this:

- About that night
- I don't know how you feel but I feel (X), and I want (Y)
-  I know you're leaving for school, and I know you said you weren't looking for a relationship, I just wanted to tell you how I felt.

Short and to the point, just like a band-aid it won't be too awkward for long. This will solve me wondering what's going to happen (I know probably nothing), and if she "rejects" me (quotes because it's not so much a question as it is a statement), then we probably won't talk much which means less exposure which means time to heal. So worst case scenario = win-win-win, best case scenario = win-win-win. I seem to have fucked it up pretty badly from here, so It'll be interesting to see me try to recover or crash and burn, either way it will be entertaining.

Now all I have to do is wait for her to come online, or something.

"And I don't think you see the places inside me that I find you."

So I guess I'm not done ranting yet. I am going to see if I can describe the base emotions. You wouldn't think how are you feeling would be a difficult question, but usually I have trouble narrowing down past just positive/negative. I think I finally know how to put into words what the shit is bothering me. It came to me in a (day)dream.

The lyrics to roadside popped into my head "Tell me what I'm supposed to do, With all these left over feelings of you.". That's exactly what it is. I spent nearly 10 hours in constant physical contact with someone, I'm sure it's perfectly normal to feel some sort of emotional bond during such a time. Something tells me that while awesome to me, this probably ranks pretty low on the scale of meaningful nights. Another part of me wants to scream, doesn't this mean anything? Don't I mean anything? Are we anything? I'm kind of glad my rational mind is in control because I'm pretty sure saying anything of those things would make me sound like a psycho. I am angry, and disappointed. I haven't had much contact with her since, and nothing has been said about that night. Like it didn't happen. I feel like I'm nothing. God this sounds ridiculous. Is this normal? Do people sound like this?

I keep thinking "oh look, no girl has made me this insane, therefore love", and It's like no! Just because she makes you feel strongly, if it's not a positive emotion, it's probably not a good idea to keep thinking that way. Basically you should never look at your love interest and say "Oh my god a girl that hurts, she's perfect".

I love when I'm playing hockey and she pops in my head. The sudden surge of emotion and the instinct to drown it out with physical stimuli really improves my game. It's almost like a second wind, I'll play until the only thing I feel is my lungs burning for air, and my legs giving out from under me.

Songs. A hobby of mine whenever a girl I like enters my life is to immediately assign her a song to which I can obsess over her over. This one has been difficult but I think I've got it, which means we should see a resurgence in Good Left Undone - Rise Against. If only for the line: "All because of you, I haven't slept in so long...". Sleep would be nice. I think I got a large portion of what bothered me out, should be betterish now.