"I'm past the point of breaking and I'm Not sure if I'm a gonna make it I'll keep this gift from breaking as long as you believe."

I know I've used this title before but it fits now more than ever. I am king of putting my eggs all in one basket.

So I think I figured it out. The portal that will allow me to travel back and forth between what I am and what I was. Empathy. In order to connect to people you must empathize with them and their situations. Which isn't all that hard to do just  expose yourself to them and listen to them. Or to reverse this trend just stop paying attention, and become really really selfish. This isn't a step by step guide but it's a start in the process of understanding what happened.

I think I want to go back. I feel vulnerable, weak and open. Things I haven't felt in a long time. To live like this and be committed to the lifestyle you have to trust people, something I hate. On one hand it's nice to think you can count on people but they will always let you down eventually. Now I harbor no resentment towards Marcel because he did not intend to slight me, it's just something that happened. First the Natalie thing when I thought he was trying to make a move on her, that feeling I couldn't describe was betrayal. I felt betrayed by the only person I had trusted. The reason this messed with me so much was because I don't experience this often. Next he tells a friend of ours about the Natalie situation after I had asked him not to. Again he forgot, mistakes happen, but at the time it really irked me. But now I am forced to trust two people as I have requested the information not be repeated anywhere else but between the three of us. Not that I don't trust our friend, It's just that I don't trust anyone.

Having said that if I had to trust any one with anything it would be Marcel, and I don't think I can change that. I've had friends and even best friends stab me in the back before, but I trust Marcel. It took probably until just as late as this summer but I can't think of anyone I've trusted more ever.

So I guess I have some choices to make, because even if I know the process to switch back and forth, the process still took 2 years there and so far almost 4 back, and I still don't know if I'm missing anything. I certainly am encountering everything I hated about before, the only positive being the girl situation.

So on with another rant:
Natalie. I have no idea what I'm doing. I am still going to try to make a physical move. If I can get her here. The only chance I have is on home turf with an empty apartment. This way I can control the most elements of the situation. If I get my second chance and blow it, or if something else puts a permanent kibosh on it, I don't know if I can deal with that. Sure there are other girls, just it's been 3 and a half years since I met a normal one that I was able to do anything with. I don't think I can wait again. I can't live in a world where  missed a chance that blatant, I'd go back. If I had to pick one thing I missed it would have to be having nothing to lose. The peace in knowing you can't fuck up hardly at all.

Here goes nothing, and here goes everything.

"It is my hope that you can save me from this darkeness"

So good news! I think. Maybe. I don't know. I was just playing some video games when I hear the message indicator from my facebook. It's Natalie. She instigated a conversation. This is itself made me extremely happy. I see this a signal that she wants to talk to me, I'm not some guy who just keeps messaging her. Nearing the end of the conversation she says she will be back in seven days and that we should drink then. I don't think I've been so happy ever. She again invited herself over to drink, which is an overnight thing in itself because she can't drive and her place is too far to cab. This means one more chance. I can do this. I will do this. My plan is to have Marcel not be there first of all. I will be 1000 times more comfortable. My plan is to make a move. I don't know what I'm thinking just lean in for the kiss, but I'm going to just play it by ear.

The only nagging doubt is that she might just be coming over to chat/drink as friends. Just to shore up the facts of this relationship/friendship. Either way this is the defining moment, if I don't make a move now I will be lost (if I'm not already). Everyone always wants a second chance rarely do they get one, and rarer still do they fix their mistake.

I feel super-confident which is awesome and will benefit me. I don't think I've ever been so sure of anything in my life. The only thing I have to focus on now is actually setting a drinking date. Step by step, brick by brick, I can do this.

"Home is whenever I'm Alone With You"

New game. Try to make as many sweeping and yet contradicting declarations in the shortest time frame possible and see how long you can be considered reliable for. I was talking to Natalie on MSN just now, and I was asking about her trip and after a little while of chatting, she sent: "Sososososo when I come back we should hang". I. Don't. Know. What. My. Feelings. Are. Doing. I guess I still want to try because she actually seems enthused about seeing me again. I really think that given the chance I could get somewhere. So I guess I'm going to continue onward with this quest. At least until I receive some minor set back or have another blatant realization.

You know what I miss? Decisiveness. The ability to make choices and stick with them, or at least pick the right one the first time. Such is the price I guess. My life is average.

"I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real"

Somewhere I belong. So things have changed. As they always do. I keep hoping I've made progress and thinking that nothing's changed. Well at least I was before I went back and read some of my original posts. Jesus are things different. So I guess I'm happy that I am a noticeably different person, on the other hand I've been wondering what if this was the easy part, what if the hard conversion is going back? Which I guess doesn't matter, because I'm happy. Right?

Anyway so like I said things have changed, with some time and distance I caught on to a blatantly obvious and devastating fact. I was explaining the Sunday story with a girl a work, looking for some advice, when at the very beginning of the story I stopped myself. It was right around and the "Ok which bed am I sleeping in?" part. When it dawned on me, not only did I 100% miss a sure thing (not that I wanted a one night stand for my first time), but she also had no preference to me over Marcel. Which hit me at that moment pretty hard. She came over to do one of us, she didn't care who, she just wanted to get laid. For some reason I felt insulted and at the same time retarded for not realizing this as a fact from the start. You only see what you want to see I guess.

So I guess that's my reason to give up. It kinda stings still as I really like(d?) Natalie. I have also half considered that while even at the time she had no preference, is it not possible any feelings might have developed from that night? But even if that is the case I am still bothered. I wasn't anything, I was just one of a possible two choices.

The girl from my work offered to take me out and get me laid, to which I replied "maybe". I have no idea what I want. I will again sit idle and wait.

Also had a short heart to heart with my roommate last night he apologized for cock blocking me. His reasoning that if I hadn't been bothered by him at first maybe I would've tried harder with Natalie. The apology was appreciated if unnecessary, I wouldn't have changed anything, I still would've hesitated.

So this I guess means I am less invested in Natalie, I still like her though so I guess that didn't really change, but I think I might change up my tactics from focused to scatter-shot, and just try to ask as many girls out as possible.