Don't go searching for answers. You will find what you're looking for... and nothing else

Girl updates I guess. So right now I have a few shots going at once, none of them really serious though. I have coffee with Tinaka coming up. This is pretty much a throw away, just working on escalation technique. Movie with Natalie, which is really nothing. I've been putting myself in the friend zone as much as possible, asking girl advice and answering her guy questions. I thought me and Marcel had somewhat of a truce on her, so I asked to see if he was ok with it first, he was. I don't expect or really want anything from this one. Next we have "The Return" i.e. Maddie coming over to the apartment. I don't know what to expect from this if anything, I will wait for an opportunity, probably nothing. Last but not least a chick from work, who I've had a thing for, sat on my lap today, I don't know if it means anything. I'll ask her to a meal or something.

It's weird after that one angry day everything seems so bland and unimportant. Like everything just lost a shade of coloring. Oh well, greener grass on the other side of the fence and all that jazz. The peace is better than the chaos. More updates to come.

"Is anybody home, has anybody wasted tears of loneliness, that Everyone becomes"

Hockey was good, I need to get back into shape though, the two weeks off made today hard. I'll play everyday next week. I'm disappointed though. I thought I'd be able to draw from that little well of hate and anger I had inside me for the last little while, but this is not the case. It's seems like it's gone, like none of it mattered at all, I couldn't make myself angry or really feel much of anything about the situation that happened. There was only peace. I forgot how calm life can be. I think I played a little better today because of it. I was able to stay focused on the game at hand. There was less panic too.

Looking forward to New Years. I'm not going to get drunk I don't think, but we'll see how I feel in the moment.

So Dig My Head Into The Ground, This Muscle Junkie Tied Me Down

I hadn't realized how much I had matured until just today. I am currently visiting my family about 3 hours away from my home. My dad has always basically shit on whatever I've done, or whatever I've planned to do, he's almost as passive aggressive as his parents. Anyway, as soon as I dropped school, he came up with a plan for me, wanting me to get out of my lease and go take a business course in Ottawa. I kinda just dodged the offer at first, and I figured this visit he would have a sit down with me. He has been prepping me for it since I arrived, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is the one person I would normally listen to when commanded, depending on the situation. In fact he's the only reason I went to KCVI and didn't go back to my old friends from grade school. Anyway this time I haven't felt that compulsion, I am not afraid to challenge his ideas, I am not afraid to say no, and do something because I want to, not because I was told to. I'm going to continue this little Pursuit of Happiness Tour of 2011.


So this is basically preparation for my rebuttal. I can't wait to say no. Knowing there's not a damn thing that he can do about it. It's my life and finally I am independent. So when he lays his whole life plan out for me, I want to have something concrete to fall back on. I won't interrupt I won't say a word until he's done talking. I think I want to say something along the lines of:

"I thank you for your thoughtful suggestions, but I am happy with my life the way it is. I will stay in my apartment until the end of my lease and more than likely will not be moving out of Kingston. I am taking one entire year off from school and will be going back to it in 2013, I don't have a course selected yet, but that is my current plan."

And if he presses on and says something derogatory to my plans or my current living situation, I move to the smear campaign. "Look, I know you haven't always been here for me and I'm ok with that, I don't need you to try to make up for it now, I was fine before, I am fine now, and will be fine in the future. Maybe the decisions I'm making right now aren't neccessarily the best for me. But they're my decisions and I'm going to continue making them and learning from them. The more you pressure me, the less likely I am to want to move to Ottawa at any point in the future. I would kindly appreciate any support that you can give me at this point in my life but please do not continue to passive aggressively attack my choices."

And if he continues still:
"Fuck you, I'm leaving."

I've missed the ability to make clear decisions. When you have nothing you have nothing to lose. Tinaka messaged me today. I forgot about this battle, the battle of who would message first, I won. So we talked for a few hours, and I was amazed at the comments I had no problem making, knowing that this was a throwaway attempt led me to get bored, and say something that I normally wouldn't. High risk and high reward. I think this is going to be pretty easy, can't let up, gotta stay focused and not make any stupid mistakes. I think I can do that.

I ache to play another game of Hockey, I miss the exercise. That's all for now I guess.

Embrace the calm.

"We fight, until no one can fight us, we live and no one can stop us, we pull when we're pushed to far"

I am seriously considering compiling all of this into some sort of book, names changed to protect people and what not, my favorite part of a story was character development, and I think we have that.

Hockey is going well, I haven't played in almost a week but I haven't updated this portion in awhile. I had been playing five days a week and this was good for a few reasons, I was getting into really awesome shape, my technique was getting better, and my skating was getting easier. This was bad for a few reasons, I was playing pretty badly, letting in some shots I knew I should have gotten, this was largely due (IMO) to improper resting for my muscles, I was feeling sluggish and needed to figure out how to fix my game.

As luck would have it I twisted my ankle on some stairs at work as was unable to play for the first four days of the week. I probably could have played Thursday I was just too tired to wake up. So Friday I head out to the rink with some freshly sharpened skates, and see how my ankle would hold up. That break did wonders for me, combining the rest my muscles needed with the experience I had been hoarding, made for my best game ever. I had a 30 minute streak where I only let in 1 goal! Compared to usually 4 in 20.  I let in maybe 4 for the whole hour. I also found out I was wanted for a Thursday game for a local Hockey game, which means one of the other goalies at shinny trusted my abilities enough to let me fill in for him, which means a lot to me. I wish I had some video from my first game and from my last game just to compare them.

So I'm going to continue this streak, I'm going to train harder and channel all of this into something positive. The recovery is going well, one day at a time. I can't wait for the holidays to end. Oh also "The Return" is back on for sometime between the 2nd and the 5th, and I have a coffee date with Tinaka, whenever I decide to check back for her free days, I am going to also put every effort into getting into dating more women, and getting the experience I need.


New years resolutions/tasks 2011:
Get Laptop - completed
Get Laid - not completed
Play Hockey - completed
2/3
New years resolutions/tasks 2012:
5 K by end of summer.
Find a permanent team for Hockey.
Get new equipment for Hockey.
Meet a girl.
Make a new friend.

Bring it 2012.

"I can ride my bike with no handlebars, no handlebars"

I can see the future, in it there's pain and suffering, it's very much like our present, but it's also different. When this is over (because it will end, it always does), there will be peace, brotherhood, and a book deal in our future. Honestly we'd make a small fortune.

I don't really have anything to direct at you, I finally got it all out of my system last night and feel a 1000 times better, I don't much if any of it was warranted I just needed an outlet (yay frustration blog). I've found it, the place where everything is calm.

Things look better awake than they do asleep, a good nights sleep and a cooked breakfast does wonders. I realize now that I can't be this person, I can't just focus on me, this just leads to the obsessing. I need to be the person people can count on, like it was before. Parents always asking if I was ok when I knew that they themselves were barely staying together, knowing that they didn't need another problem, I told them I was fine, and then I was.

So I guess this where I stand up brush myself off, and become a better person, richer for the experience and all of that jazz. I have detoxed and am on my way to a speedy recovery. I can only wish you the same, if you need to talk, I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere.

I sit, In My Desolate Room, No Lights, No Music, Just Anger, Killed Everyone,

The worlds, they burn.
Behind these calm eyes, and emotionless features, lies a sea of hate and anger. A cascade of indescribable negativity flows through this body. I want to drink until all I feel is vomit coming out of me, I want to punch the wall until my knuckles are broken, I want to scream lyrics to angry music, I want to run until my feet are bloody, I want to be beaten until I can't process thoughts. I want to destroy everything with everyone inside, I want to watch your world burn.


I don't think I've ever been so overwhelmed with any situation ever. This is setting the bar for the worlds worst cluster-fuck. I wish this had never happened. Any of this.

I'm going to be completely honest I'm a little pissed off with you. I say you because no one else reads this. I know I'm not you, but I think you could have tried a little harder, I know I would have. I mean I said, "I don't want you to do Natalie, but if it happened I'd get over it" followed by "Not an excuse to try, but if she throws herself at you go for it, [I guess]". I wasn't there so I don't know what went down. I also really didn't want to know about it. It's like "oh I feel jealous, but I'm just dumb, Marcel doesn't like Natalie, no wait, jealous instinct was right, now I have reason to listen to it in the future". I'm just ranting so don't take this personally, I'm just pissed at this whole thing. It's weird there is no sadness, feeling of loss, just bad feelings that are converted into hate because that's the only way I can deal with them. I can express hate, I can express anger. I find myself hating. Hating Natalie, hating Marcel, hating myself. Hating everything. Like if by hating Natalie it will be that easier to get over her, which I know is something I've done in the past, all I have to do is build a biased case in my head, and then erase the contradictory evidence. The hating my best friend however is new to me, and needs to stop. I would be lost without him, I would have no way of communicating with another human being. Who else would put up with my bullshit? Hating myself? I'm ok with this. It gives me a reason to change, a raison d'être if you will. I can channel it, all of it into self improvement, into that second wind when I think I'm about to break.

This whole thing has made me sour, my brain keeps thinking stupid things "Oh there's other girls. Ok there is, but if I bring them home then Marcel will fall in love with them and steal them from me". This is my brain being an asshole. I know this won't happen. I think trust issues got worse. This is somewhat positive, it won't happen again, and each time, it gets a little easier. I never thought this would change things so much, I also never realized how easily a friendship could be destroyed by a girl, he could have just as easily chosen her.

I feel better. More sit-ups needed.

They're Doing Something With The Body Parts That We Don't Fully Understand

(We Run On The Fumes Of Angels Dust, We'll Never Die With The Fuel That You Give Us)
I'm not completely adhering to my outlined plan from last night, but I am feeling better. I've taken to channeling my emotions not creatively, but physically. The workouts are helping the numbing process, I just try as hard as I can for as long as I can, and just when I feel like I'm going to break, I channel in some of that frustration or anger, and I keep going. It's weird, I feel... stronger; if that makes any sense. More powerful maybe? But I figure this is a more healthy way that just chowing down or just suffering. Things are going to get worse before they get better, but I see the path and it won't take long. I talked to her again today, and I even tried to maintain the conversation. I guess soon I'll be jacked?