So I have a new strategy, just post at least once per calendar year. The end of the year seems an appropriate time to reflect.
The First Apology
What has happened since the last post? Well I graduated from my college program (barely), and I finally broke up with Katherine (about three weeks after my last post). I had to do it over Facebook because previous in person conversations had not had the desired effect. Katherine if you are ever reading this, I am sorry I wasn't honest with you sooner, I'm sorry I didn't try harder, you deserved better.
After that I went back to my summer job and got promoted to supervisor mid season, but not before hooking up with a coworker and briefly becoming enamored with them. I had a few flings throughout the summer, only one notable one however, Stephanie.
The Apology Two: The Apologeninging(?)
Stephanie is (was?) a kind, pretty, and patient human being and just an absolute sweetheart, and like an asshole I ruined that too. We met on tinder, and because I was just off of a long term relationship I was wary of settling down too soon, or at least that is what I've told myself. Now I'm fairly certain its blossomed into a full on phobia of commitment.
Anyways we agreed to a non-monogamous fling (although I'm pretty sure she wasn't seeing anyone else), I dated around a bit, but as time went on I began to feel guilty and started to consider becoming exclusive, we pretty much were anyways, however before that determination was made something happened.
I met up with a girl I had matched with on tinder, she was from Paris and was in town for the night with her friend. We chatted for a bit before heading back to her and her friends hotel room, we made out for a bit and went back to my place. Before heading back to my place I explicitly stated that I wasn't interested in sex (I almost started to write a reason why, but the reason doesn't matter), and that I was only interested in cuddling and making out.
We had had a few drinks each that night, and while neither of us were drunk, we were both under the influence to some extent. After some making out she asked if I wanted to have sex, I again explicitly said no. She continued on and continued to pressure me and eventually climbed on top of me and just did it. Now I am not a small man, and part of me wanted to push her off, but for some reason my arms stopped working, I just froze. I just stayed there until it was over.
The days and weeks and months following the event were difficult. I had a lot of conflicting feelings. I knew I didn't want the sex, but I had finished. Did that mean I liked it? Did that make it ok? It can't be rape if you finish right? Can men be raped?
It took me a long time to get over that, and before I did I felt tremendous guilt for "cheating" on Stephanie. We weren't officially a thing but I still felt like a piece of shit. That's a part of why I broke up with her a few weeks later on October 19th 2017, the other reason being that much like Katherine, I didn't love her.
I don't think I have ever felt worse about something I've done, as I did about breaking up with her. It was at my place and she was spending the night. I worked up the courage and just said it out loud, we talked for a bit and she choked back some tears and I told her she could stay the night and that I hoped we could still be friends. There were no buses and neither of us had cab money so she stayed and tried to sleep. Instead she woke (me) up sobbing every few hours until her friend woke up and came and picked her up. Stephanie if you ever read this, I am sorry. You deserved much better and I hope you have found happiness in the time since. It's also been over a year between the events and me writing it and I may have missed some key details.
From October to November of 2017 I spent most of my time at my grandparents house as my uncle had gone crazy and my grandparents feared for their safety, but while I was there I still had tinder and I still was able to swipe on girls from my town. This is when I came across a profile that would change everything.
The Third Apology, Pt. 1: A New Hope
Her name was Hilary, and I had actually matched with her about a year prior. My first encounter however had actually seen her in public at an ultimate Frisbee game (before my own game), and thought she was absolutely stunning and briefly toyed with the idea of asking her before I decided I was a coward.
It was a few days afterwards when we matched for the first time and I was super excited, we chatted for a bit and even planned a date but she never replied day of and it didn't happen. Also important to note that I was still recovering from Ruth, and she was actually a friend of Ruth's (not super close just former coworkers).
Anyways here I am a year later and I see her again on Tinder and we match and I immediately freak out, I sent a message and just prayed and prayed and wished that she would reply. I continued to do this for each reply, convinced at some point she would stop replying and I would have blown my chance. But she didn't, and we actually set up a date. I was so excited, I texted two close friends and asked for advice on what to wear and some first date tips, and patiently (ish) awaited the day. The entire day of the planned date I was nervous that she would cancel or ghost last minute, but she didn't.
Pt. 2: The date
A brief side note about me, dating and "sparks". I had been in three relationships prior to this. With my first I stayed for almost three years because I had no idea what love was and I thought I'd be alone forever anyways. I then met Ruth, and as soon as I saw her I just felt this "click" or "spark" it was immediate and I knew that I liked this girl, however being young and stupid I didn't realize what my feelings were until it was too late and even then she ended up cheating on me. My next relationship was with Katherine and it was fine, but lacked any emotion on my part. Ever since Ruth and I broke up I would always look back to the moment that we met, and briefly remember that feeling. But between breaking up with Ruth and breaking up with Katherine almost two years had passed, and that memory had been stretched thin and started to fade heavily.
We supposed to meet up at Coffeeco (a coffee place in my city). I had some trouble finding the place but still managed to get there stupid early. I waited nervously trying not to panic, until I saw her text "here", I spotted her and walked over. That's all it took. I fell instantly, she was without a doubt the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in person. I felt that spark I had felt before. It had been so long since that feeling, I had honestly forgotten what it felt like and started to doubt it ever existed at all.
We chatted for a bit and despite being super nervous it went well. We decided to go for a walk along the water and chat some more and after about 30 minutes or so, she asks if I am hungry and if I would like to get dinner. It was the night of the Arkells concert in my city, and almost all of the restaurants downtown were full. We did however manage to find a small tavern with seats open, we begin to sit down and as we take off our jackets a live smooth jazz band starts playing on stage about 15 feet away. I could not have planned that date better if I had tried. I had fish and chips with a long island iced tea, and she had fish tacos and a glass of wine. We chatted a bit more, I paid and I then offered to walk her home. We talked more and played "36 questions to fall in love" (not that I needed any help), everything this girl said was absolutely amazing. She was driven, passionate, sporty, kind, and I was absolutely smitten. I walked her to the door of her house and we kissed for a bit, and then I cabbed home, quite literally unable to contain my glee.
The next few days were a whirlwind, I had never been so obsessed with a girl in my life (maybe with Maddie way way way back), and especially not with a girl who was also interested in me. I couldn't control my emotions, I still worried that she would ghost me or just stop talking to me, which was exacerbated by the fact that she would take hours to reply to messages, but we ended up going out a few more times but very spread out because she had work and school, but I didn't care. I was in love, and it came at a time when I was so ready to leave the dating world behind, and settle down with someone for good.
I want to paint this picture of this perfect girl, but she wasn't. If I had a list of attributes and personality traits that make up the perfect woman she'd have all of them. Every. Single. One. That's what made this suck even more.
We never got to spend time together, she was always busy, and part of me wanted to believe it was because she was legitimately too busy. In reality she may have been busy, and she may have had anxiety, but if she wanted to see me more, then she could have. She would apologize for not messaging back or messaging at all sometimes, again there may have been reasons but if she cared enough it wouldn't have mattered. I was crazy about this girl so I ignored all of the warning signs, and sometimes even read into messages that she would send (specifically when she said "I adore you").
Pt. 3: The end.
Anyways after about 3 months I receive a message saying she wants to be friends, and that she can't balance dating and school. I am devastated. I try to be understanding and supportive and we meet up to talk about it, but its over. I walk her home and we hug. I hold on for a long time trying to stop time with my brain (it didn't work).
"See you later", she says.
I return with "Goodbye Hilary", and she laughs
"Don't be silly, we will see each other again"
"Do you know the difference between au-revoir and adieu in french?" I joke.
"Nope."
"In that case, adieu."
We haven't spoken in person since. We chatted a bit over Facebook, pretty sparingly until June when she stopped replying.
The following months were hard. I couldn't get her out of my head, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, it was awful. I tried to bury my feelings in alcohol and women. Weirdly enough it didn't work out very well. I'd have a few weeks where I'd forget, and I'd feel better, and then I'd see a social media post pop up in my feed and have to detox all over again, so I deleted her from everything and got rid of her number so I wouldn't drunk text her, that seemed to be the most effective.
That worked out well until while heading to a date, I walked by her and a guy who I assume was her date, I didn't realize at first until she had walked by, but by then she was too far away to say hi (not that I wanted to). It felt like I had been hit by a train, it happened again at a bar months later she walked by (with the same guy), and I fell into a pit of self pity. The worst part of that for me was that it was the same guy implying that it wasn't a fluke the first time and that they were an item.
Pt. 4: The Twist
There was a lot of conflicting feelings in my head for awhile, I want her to be happy, but I am also petty and want her to suffer like I did. Not only that, it was difficult to reconcile the thought that the girl I loved, and I thought at least felt similar, didn't even care about me enough to spend time or even chat with me. This long rant is basically to get all of these feelings out and put them in order, hopefully to get passed them.
Finally, Hilary. If you ever read this, I am sorry. I am sorry things didn't work out. I am sorry that I put you on a pedestal. I am sorry that I wasn't enough. I do want you to be happy, and I hope that during that semester of hell you went through that I didn't add any grief.
Apology 4: Epilogue.
To me. If I ever read this again, or show it to anyone. I am sorry, that I didn't see all of the red flags. I am sorry that instead of seeking help I tried to self destruct. I am sorry that I didn't try to write this all down sooner.
To my friends, I am sorry you have had to listen to the same shit year after year, the same problems, unfolding the same way, ignoring your advice.
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All I can say is that I will do better. This is my year.
Post #2 to follow in the next few days. Thanks for listening,
