I seem to be getting off-track.

 Anything with quotes around it, ... hell I'm not even sure what to call them. It's not so much poetry, more like words that when put together at 3 AM sounded good. Also I've added a reaction bar to each of the posts from now on, and also am hoping the new layout is easier to read.

Nov 15 2010, 12:58:45 AM

            This marks the exact year to the second, since I last talked to my ex. I think digging this up is helping me better learn the emotional learning curve. It is frightening but every time I go a little bit deeper, let someone a little but closer, I feel a little bit better, like maybe after all I can fix myself. I will get better. I will feel something, for someone eventually.

Nov 23 2010 11:56 PM

            "I'd give you everything, if I weren't so sure that I'd get nothing back."

Nov 28 2010 9:31 PM

            Some stuff I’ve written not, all of it is great but hey, I was cranking most of this out at 3 AM.

Hide from happiness, strive for mediocrity, and wallow in self pity. Sacrifice everything, hope for the world, and then settle for less than you deserve. The World is full of inspiration.

‎"Evidently I would choose insanity over unhappiness, hate over reality."

"If they won't face us, then well bring the fight to them."

"Your thoughts are disorganized, your actions deliberate, your words slurred, and your intentions clear. Your back is straight, your shoulders slumped, your hair combed, and your nose bloody. Your dreams great, your nightmares devastating, your intentions noble, and your methods insane. The fiery ruins that lay behind ...you are nothing short of your greatest accomplishment."

'="The anticipation is deadly. Every second feels like an hour. The silence is nerve wracking. Everything is on the line. All of history has boiled down, to this. Exact. Moment. You can practically hear the hearts around you beating, though no says a word. You want desperately to breakdown and give up now, but it’s too late, you are the only one who can finish this. You wait for the exact moment to strike, and then…

*click*

*click*

*click*

and just like that it is done... New high score!!!"

Dec 4 2010 1:10 PM

            Wow, I bet I’d get along well with 14 year old emo kids, part of me reads going what the fuck, but a part of me wonders if this is the awkwardness that feelings bring on.

Had a “date” with K on Wednesday, it was a first. We met at Starbucks, which fully lives up to its reputation as goddamned expensive, but the coffee was pretty good. Before this we were kind of acquaintances, but never really ever hung out together. A few weeks back her relationship status on Facebook had changed from “in a relationship” to “single”, so a week back I asked her to coffee, to which she agreed.

Reasons why it was awkward:

#1. We have little or no shared history

So the “remember when” moments were non existent.

#2. We are both introverted slightly.

So our conversation was rather quiet and awkwardly spoken.

#3. It was my first time going to Starbucks

The whole hipster thing caught me off guard, with their grande this and venti that.

#4. There were no tables.

So we sat at the bar, right in front on the barristas who got to listen to and probably laughed at our pathetic attempt at a conversation.

#5. She got there first.

I was hoping for a few minutes of prep time, and was immediately caught off guard.

#6. She has a twin.

And oh my God, am I ever terrible at remembering people who don’t have a twin names.

Why it’s not an excuse:

#1. Duh, you have to make the shared experiences, next time ask more open ended, and fun questions, set a brighter tone.

#2. Effort, enough said.

#3. Dude come on, it’s a goddamned coffee shop.

#4. It probably would have been just as awkward at a table, first dates are always iffy.

#5. 2 things. You had an entire week to prepare mentally, and next set a time and get there even earlier than that.

#6. Dude, just don’t be retarded.

So aside from that little rant, it wasn’t at all a bad “date”. I have but a few concerns, first of all me and a friend both asked her pretty much the same question, and he got the friend zoned answer, saying that she just got out of a long term relationship. So now I’m not sure if she agreed to hang out with me as friends or if she was giving me a shot (so to speak). Next after the first “date” not sure if I blew it for good, it was on the short side of not that great. We met at 11:00 ordered our drinks and sat down. At 11:21 she asked what time it was, I told her. She excused herself to the washroom, and then suggested that we should walk back (it was 11:26 when she came back, I thought she had left haha (wow do I sound pathetic)), so we wouldn’t be late for class (class starts at 12:00 and it’s a 8 minute walk from where we were).

            A friend recommended that before I try to ask for another date, that I should try to chat her up more online first. Work on a routine from there and then try and get another “date”. Of course I encountered a small problem and I immediately want to give up.

Reasons to give up:

#1. She hangs out with a group of stoners.

#2. I am afraid of intimacy, and will only end up embarrassing myself

Reasons to shut the hell up, and for once in my life to try for something:

#1. Stoners are awesome, I miss partying with them

#2. It can only get better from here, and I can’t live like this forever.

#3. It’s been three years, since my last relationship, time to do something about it.

Of course, giving up is easier but always the option containing the most fun.

Hang on I need a moment to Adjust my reality, Edit.

Dear follower (or people who are reading),
Did you know that of the 100 page views you account for more than half? Anyway thanks for reading. : D

This is kind of a bonus post in that technically I already posted today, and technically I may not be able to post tomorrow. Enjoy.

Nov 2 2010 11:10 PM

            Some pearls of wisdom?

Sometimes I feel like the people only a few years younger than us are of a different generation, when did being a slut become popular?

Simply surviving is not living.

"I am your worst nightmare, your darkest secret, your lost cause, and your only hope."

I am what the moment makes me.

Honestly if I were living each day as my life as if were my last, I'd either be drunk crying or both all the time, and don’t get me started on the hookers

"People are not inherently good, nor are they inherently evil. People are merely inherently selfish."

"Don't worry guys I got this."

*Loud explosion*

"Mother F***er"

"I still got this"

"How hard is it to cook goddamn K.D.?.... and why do I smell brimstone?"

"Hey everyone the clocks go back an hour tonight!"

"Awesome an extra hour of sleep"

"Fuck that we got an extra hour of partying!"

*chorus of cheers*

Sweat runs from your brow into your eye, your shaking hand wipes it away. Your whole body trembles with the pressure. The sound of your heart beat is getting louder and louder in your ears. This decision, this decision will break you. You rack your mind for answers and realize there is only one solution... Screw it we’ll flip a coin…. Ok pepperoni it is.

The piece fits as If a reckless child shaped it with scissors. The chaotic red against a calm blue sky.

There's still a little bit of dreamer in me. A tiny part of myself that is asking, "Why am I not doing something worth while?" Why do none of my future plans involve changing the world, and why I am so willing to settle for something that will pay the bills but not make me happy?

 

So it's true then... I don't have to destroy everything.

"It was perfect, and at same time everything was going horribly, horribly wrong.... I wish I'd planned this better... who knew I was a coward?"

Q#1: If someone gave you the choice between having a random stranger killed, and you yourself dying, which would you choose?

A: Them

Q#2: What about 10 people?

A: Still them

Q#3: What about 10,000 people?

...A: Wow I've learned a lot about myself in the last three questions. Still them.

Everyone can give up, but not everyone can move on.

"Unfortunately the two most important phrases in the world, "I love you" and "I'm sorry", have become so overused that they seem worthless to both the person who wants to say them and the person who needs to hear it"

"No good conversation ever started with 'we need to talk.'"

‎"shaving, fuck shaving, I'm going for ruggedly attractive."

“Well you look homeless so fucking shave already"

" I always used to look at really old people and wonder if they feared death. It's like you can't have more years in your life than I have fingers on my hand. What's it like knowing you're going to die soon?"

"So basically the poke button, is for when you like someone, and either don't want to be creepy or are to cowardly to send them a message"

"I don't have much, but I'll give you what's left"

‎"...and when she smiled at me, the years melted away, lost in her eyes, like nothing had changed..."

"A threesome wow! I've never disappointed two people at once. Only that’s not true....

My parents both saw my report card at the same time."

‎"New life strategy: when faced with a problem, come up with the most insane, complicated, bullshit luck plan and see if it works. Cause the 1% of the time that it does work, twill be amazing."

‎"if you were born in 1992 you have a life expectancy of 75 years, that's 4 years learning to walk, talk and socialize, 18 years of school including college/university. 35 years of working to get a full pension. That leaves us with 18 years to ourselves. Make every moment count, make life worth living."

‎"You know what's fun? Trying to hit on someone, when you don't know their name or remember exactly what they look like, after each time you see them."

Also adding quotes onto one of you're own thoughts, so you don't sound pathetic.

(Me)

I miss the days when dropping your ice cream on the ground or letting go of your balloon were the worst possible things that could imagine happening to you.

(Her)

I miss the days when we were cute enough that dropping your ice cream cone meant you could get another one for free...

"Sleep? No fuck sleep we got... Wait were out of food? Shiiiiiit, at least.... What no batteries for the controllers and there's nothing on TV at 2 AM... I guess it's bed time then.”

Nov 6 2010 1:59 AM

            I went back and looked at my old MSN messages, and fixed everything. The story is now more accurate so are the dates. Might add commentary later.

            I liked to paint myself as a cold and unfeeling person. She saw right through this, and called me out a few times. Once she asked me why I made a joke about a suicidal person. I awkwardly responded I have a weird sense of humor. She did not seem pleased. The second time we are talking online and we’re “profiling” each other, I really hoped that’s she’s just insightful, and that I’m not that see through. She writes of me:  

“You like to paint yourself as a fairly apathetic, cold, unhappy person. You're not very good at it, all it takes is an English teacher to make to you smile. I think you care about a lot more than you let on. You have a very upfront way of judging people. You think you know me better than you do.”

I cringe, and begin to write my rebuttal when she says:

“... I’m not finished yet/..”

She continues:

“You’re a very cautious person, you don't like to let people get to know you. But you show a lot more than you try to.

Hold on I need to get more milk”

I laugh as she continues her onslaught:

“You don't have such a great family life. You open up more to people who are more like you. You’re too busy not getting hurt to enjoy a lot of what you're doing.”

I ask if she’s done. She replies:

“Almost.

You joke about things you shouldn't to paint the 'mean' picture. You’ve been through a lot, and you use it as an excuse for who you are. And you have a very cute dimple.”

My ass was kicked. The best I could muster was the intellectual equivalent of a “nu-uh”. In case you were wondering the dimple thing was a reference to something that the English teacher had said, it had been a running joke.

           

            We talked on MSN a few days back, we had a very pleasant conversation that was reminiscent of what we had before, ironically, it mirrored our very first IM conversation. We talked about the ridiculousness of the names of our email addresses. She left rather abruptly but other than that, it was good.

Colour me predictable

Oct 31 2010 7:17 PM

            This is a turning point, a time in which you will evaluate all that you have done, all that you will do. You will tell yourself that this is not who you are, that this is only what you need to do. Next time will be different, next time I will be ready. So come on, let’s do this.

Nov 1 2010 1:02 AM

            I see now that life does not have to be gray. It can be any color you wish. You only need to believe it to see it. Yay catch bus in 5 hours and 20 minutes. My glass if half full.

Nov 1 2010 11:30 PM

            Growing up I always thought I’d be able to write a book. Then I realized that it wasn’t easy typing out 400+ plus pages. Then I thought maybe a short story. I think that now even if this were interesting, that it surpasses a short story maybe bordering on a very short novella.

            I don’t believe in love. Or anything for that matter. (I should really work on character development/introduction) Truth can be perceived, but it does not exist etc. etc. That is I didn’t believe in love until I met her. I know I love her. I know I can’t have her. I know that the feeling is pointless, silly, unrequited, and unfounded, and yet… I don’t care. For once I found something I absolutely know with every fiber of my being. I know that she is gone for at least five months and the way I see it, if this trip doesn’t destroy their relationship then it will be a lot stronger. So really she’s probably gone forever. For once I do not try to deny the feeling; I don’t push past it and ignore it until it dies. I am enjoying it. I think this might be exactly what I needed. I feel something and I am dealing with it in a normal way. I’m not happy, but I am getting there.

And how's that working out for you? Edit : I really have to remember to enable comments

Back to updating daily, barring any unforeseeable complications.

Oct 26 2010

4 days until she leaves.

Oct 27 2010

3 days until she leaves.

Oct 28 2010 11:10 PM

            So whilst waiting to meet up with her, I reread what I wrote. I definitely should have spent more time writing it. I told myself I’d hand it to her anyway. We met at the Y again. This was her last shift. We walked to a coffee shop some distance away, I asked her how her last shift went, and told her about how I got fired. We sat down at the coffee shop, and we talked. It was amazing. It was even better than it was four years ago.

I am continually getting angrier with myself for fucking this up 4 years ago. Near the end of out visit she asked me if I could update her weekly on a webcomic that we both like. This of course changed everything(for some reason). Once again I had a reason to not tell her how I feel.

 The people running the coffee shop asked us to leave as they were closing up. That was the fastest two hours of my life. I still held the note in my pocket. I walked over to the garbage can. I considered the ramifications of giving her the note. It would effectively end my time with her. I realized at that moment, that this was exactly the same situation as four years ago. I had wanted to do the exact thing I have been kicking myself for. She asked me what I was holding. I told her it was trash and promptly threw it away. I walked with her until she had to turn off and we said goodbye. Not adieu.

            I know that I have friends. Sometimes I feel like they don’t actually like and are secretly scheming against me. I know this is preposterous, but I guess I am paranoid. Although when I was with her, it was different, I knew she wasn’t hanging out with me because she felt obligated, she actually wanted to spend time with me. This thought was further reinforced by her request of a weekly message. For the first time in a long time I do not feel alone. I am Jack’s happiness. 2 days.

Oct 29 2010

1 day.

Oct 30 2010

She’s gone.

Jeeze just shut up and do it already

Oct 23 4:10 AM

            Sleep? Who needs sleep when you’re depressed? This should make for an interesting/really awkward week. Time to go to bed, read, and hopefully get some sleep.

6 and 3 days left.

Oct 24 2010

5 and 2 days left.

Oct 25 2010 8:32 PM

            We’re meeting tomorrow. I’m really torn. I’m not sure I should give her the letter. The letter I haven’t written yet. Maybe I should make something that’s not a letter, maybe just a note. No envelope. Here’s what I wrote:

So yea… I didn’t actually “almost forget”. I don’t write many letters so the formatting is probably way off. Let me start off by saying this: I am really trying as hard as possible to make this letter sound sincere but not creepy. So I assume (hope) that if I mention that I’m trying not to be creepy, you won’t be creeped out. I should also mention that I am not trying to start drama of any kind.

            You’d think I’d be getting to my point now, but no, I still need to explain some things. First of all this is not a Hail Mary, an ultimatum or a last shot. I would like to continue being friends with you regardless even though I think it’d be really awkward.

 The real reason I’m even saying this is that I’m trying to change certain aspects of my life. I am trying to be a more open and trusting person. For example if I open up to someone, I’d like to believe they won’t immediately use that knowledge to destroy me.

            I figured I’d be able to tell you in person, but as it turns out I’m a coward (ha ha). Writing this took goddamn forever. Just the phrasing of what I wanted to say. Hell I’m writing this now and I’m not sure I’ll even be able to give it to you. I’ll assume you already know what I am trying to say, so I’ll continue to explain myself.

            At first I wanted to say “I have feelings for you”, but that seemed sort of vague. I mean “feelings” could mean anything. So I figure I’d go with the all time classic “I love you”. The most cliché thing in the world, but after a while I realized that it says exactly what I want to say. So I’m sticking with I love you.

            I’m not sure when I would see you again, if ever. I really don’t expect a response, in fact I’m almost hoping there won’t be one. It was something I had to say not something that I expected to be reciprocated. So I figured I’d have to give this to you now or never. Hopefully your trip goes well and I wish you the best of luck wherever you may find yourself.

-All the best,

Shit here goes nothing. 5 and 1 days left. See you on the other side.

New beginnings or different endings.

Oh wow. had I known, people were actually reading this I'd have been updating on a regular basis.
  
"I cringe whenever I hear someone say that they believe everything happens for a reason. I can't help but think how critically under prepared for situations they are. How relieving it must feel to not be to at fault for their actions. Or how stressful it might feel believing there's nothing you can do about it" - me 

Oct 19 2010 3:09 PM

            I’m still “sick”. This is my fourth day of missing school. I am supposed to call it in so that they know I’m not just skipping class. I figured it wouldn’t really matter but I received a phone call from my best friend today stating that they were starting to worry. Since I am a returning student there was a contract I had to sign before I could start this year. It basically stated that if I started skipping or being late or not handing in my assignments then they could kick me out. I really need to get my online course work done. I am Jack’s reputation.

Oct 19 2010 10:59 PM

            I was thinking today. Whenever I want advice, I seem to go to different people for different answers. Example, if I want a purely rational non judgmental solution I’ll go to Nick, whereas if I want my opinion but more objective I’ll go to Marcel, or if I want a more emotional response I’ll go to Kyle, or if I want a semi rational more cautious and shrewd approach I’ll go to Steven.

            I really have to start writing my letter to her. I know I have 11 days still, but I’d like to have it done and out of the way. Although then I’d actually have to wait until I see her for more developments on this topic. The waiting is making me stir crazy. Once this is over I don’t know what I’ll do. Will I stop writing this? Will I add the more interesting parts of my life to this? This is really supposed to be about her. Nick said “She’s the most compatible person you’ve met… so far.” As this whole thing progresses I’m not sure my feelings are entirely justified. Sure we connected 4 years ago, but we were just kids. That was roughly 1500 days ago. So much has happened, sure we’ve talked recently but we didn’t really scratch much below the surface. What if she’s different? Of course none of this matters because nothing is going to change. She’s still leaving. More importantly she’s still leaving with him. This should be a fun next couple of days. I think I’ll ask to set up the meeting tomorrow. I don’t mean to meet up tomorrow, but to set the date for which we will meet. Sleep is harder and harder to come by. 10 Days.

Oct 20 2010 6:12 AM

            I don’t really have much time before I have to catch my bus, I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night. Will be home Friday. 9 days.

Oct 21 2010

8 days.

Oct 22 2010 9:10 PM

            I lost my job today. I also set up a meeting with an old friend. So there’s some good and some bad. I’m meeting her next Tuesday after 9. I should probably get on that letter.

            It’s funny. My grandmother on my mother side picked me up after I found out I got fired, and she brought cookies for me to have. There is nothing more comforting than grandma’s cookies and some milk.

            As a kid, I distinctly remember telling my grandmother (on my dad’s side) that I didn’t love them as much as I loved my parents or my other grandparents. This was not to be mean, and I didn’t realize it would hurt her feelings. It was just something I said. In retrospect I think this explains why they were/are always “spoiling” me.

            The longer I go without successfully attaining an intimate relationship, the more convinced I am that I should just give up and live life alone. I never really got the important experience early on, so I feel like if I got a relationship now, then I wouldn’t know what to do. I suppose I fear being laughed at… or maybe I just really like failing. 8 days until she leaves, 4 days until I see her for the last time. Or 8 and 4 days left.