She's agreed to coffee when she comes into Kingston during her Christmas break. I don't know what my plan is or why I even asked. I can't hit on her. I don't necessarily want to either. We haven't talked in years, how do you maintain a conversation when you haven't hung out in two years.
On a positive note I have a second interview for a full time job on Friday. I also haven't relapsed on my position, the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to break up with her. I constantly picture myself with other women, I am really looking forward to the freedom, just not the conversation.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Two Years a Slave
So as you may have been reading, I have been going through an obsessive her phase recently. I was going through my Facebook messages with her, and I noticed our last communication was from almost two years ago. I figure I'll start a conversation with something along the lines of "this is your two year check in". You know eventually. I can't believe it's been two years. Fuck. Well here goes.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Expressing my sentiments using dead people's words
I've been in a writing mood lately. I miss staying up late by myself. When I write, I feel like I am conversing with a part of myself. Like I am sorting out my thoughts into piles for later consideration.
I've heard a lot of quotes that struck a chord lately
"Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed"
i.e. in a dark world I still find the silver lining
"Love is watching someone die"
i.e. be it a family member or life partner you may very well watch them die someday
"Well I've been hoping for months, I've been hoping for years, aw but it don't get much dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her"
i.e. exactly what it says.
What makes a great quote? is it the ideas behind the words? The phrasing of said words? Or the people who said them?
I like to think that it's a little bit of the first two. Of the billions of people on this planet, surely you are unlikely to have had an original thought or feeling unique only to you. So clearly the uniqueness of a idea isn't important, but perhaps an idea that is shared and felt by as many people as possible is.
The phrasing your idea properly helps. Your idea could be among the most relatable and common ideas out there, but without the proper words, your idea is expressed either to specifically or without any direction at all.
I am on a feel good pop kick right now, which is a good sign, I feel motivated and quite upbeat. I also discovered a few things about my body recently. I went on a run on the road near my house and was able to run the 2 KM about half of which was uphill without stopping, stopped at the turn around point walked for a minute caught my breath and ran all the way back to my house. I was happy that I was able to run that far but I found it easier than usual. Instead of constantly trying to push myself forward, I was more focused on one foot in front of the other. I didn't even really think of quitting I was too busy ignoring my body being out of breath.
I also worked a 14 hour day today on only 3 and a half hours of sleep, and at first I was balls tired and after lifting the 12 or 13 hundredth bundle of newspaper my arms were killing me. I found that if instead of always asking my body for one more _____ then a rest, if I instead made no other option than to keep going. To stop just was not an option. If that makes any sense.
So that was my sleep deprived rant, good night darkness.
I've heard a lot of quotes that struck a chord lately
"Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed"
i.e. in a dark world I still find the silver lining
"Love is watching someone die"
i.e. be it a family member or life partner you may very well watch them die someday
"Well I've been hoping for months, I've been hoping for years, aw but it don't get much dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her"
i.e. exactly what it says.
What makes a great quote? is it the ideas behind the words? The phrasing of said words? Or the people who said them?
I like to think that it's a little bit of the first two. Of the billions of people on this planet, surely you are unlikely to have had an original thought or feeling unique only to you. So clearly the uniqueness of a idea isn't important, but perhaps an idea that is shared and felt by as many people as possible is.
The phrasing your idea properly helps. Your idea could be among the most relatable and common ideas out there, but without the proper words, your idea is expressed either to specifically or without any direction at all.
I am on a feel good pop kick right now, which is a good sign, I feel motivated and quite upbeat. I also discovered a few things about my body recently. I went on a run on the road near my house and was able to run the 2 KM about half of which was uphill without stopping, stopped at the turn around point walked for a minute caught my breath and ran all the way back to my house. I was happy that I was able to run that far but I found it easier than usual. Instead of constantly trying to push myself forward, I was more focused on one foot in front of the other. I didn't even really think of quitting I was too busy ignoring my body being out of breath.
I also worked a 14 hour day today on only 3 and a half hours of sleep, and at first I was balls tired and after lifting the 12 or 13 hundredth bundle of newspaper my arms were killing me. I found that if instead of always asking my body for one more _____ then a rest, if I instead made no other option than to keep going. To stop just was not an option. If that makes any sense.
So that was my sleep deprived rant, good night darkness.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Having read (and written) a few rants I've noticed that they always seem to start normal and coherent and eventually digress into incoherent lamp pineapple napalm.
1:05 AM 11/26/2013:
Hello darkness,
What follows is the rant that can only be brought on by an all day marathon of The Community:
Have you ever had dream that made you question your route in life? Better yet if you've seen the movie Inception you might understand where I am coming from. At the end of the movie, The Mark is supposed to just up an disolve a multi-billion dollar industry built by his dead father based on a dream he had in an airplane. Crazy right? Well I could almost buy it after the dream I had this morning. It was about her. I've been thinking of her a lot lately. In this dream I can only remember a few specifics when I woke up. I remembered that the dream had been years long. I had spent what seemed like literal years in this reality. When I woke up my first thought was "please let just some of what I just experienced have been real" I remember an immense sadness when I realized it was a dream. Again nothing specific, and I am glad. I get the impression I had built some sort of life with her in this reality world. I had lingering feeling for a few hours after. That kind of feeling you get when you meet someone in a dream who isn't real but you somehow fell in love with anyway. That feeling of a finger in a wound you forgot was there. This was enhanced by the fact that it was her. I mean it wasn't just some faceless figure, it was her. She is real. What I dreamt could be at some point happen. It won't but it isn't impossible. If I hadn't been thinking about her a lot recently, I am now.
I don't know if I can describe love. Sometimes I feel like I can describe what it's not. I have been seriously considering breaking up with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half now. Which while typing that out a little red flag popped up. I sometimes I can't tell if I love her or not. I mean there's nothing wrong with her, but she's not the one. I think I love her in a way, she is a larger part of my life. But that feeling I woke up with reminded me what love should feel like. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
One of the reasons I've stuck around this time is, that she is my first real girlfriend. We've been through so much together. I do care for her. Furthermore at this pace we will be moving in together soon, which can not happen. We basically live together now, and there are no issues, which could mean marriage in a few years. So I've been struggling with throwing away marriage material. But just because it's not broken does it mean it's right? furthermore I am stuck at her house until such a time that I get a full time job meanwhile I work part time with her grandfather, so that would make an awkward situation and if/when we break up when I move home, I don't want them to think I was just using them. However I can't leave her now because I still need a forward operating base to job hunt.
Furthermore how far do I go for happiness? I mean I want to have kids before I am 30. That gives me 9 years. I want to be married for a year, dating for two before hand, so Ideally I would have to meet my future wife in the 5 years to have kids at 29. Do I choose my partner like I chose my career? Is hapiness more important than progress. Is there a point at which I should settle? Should I just be really selective while dating? Just pick them apart to mke sure they are perfect? Or will I look past their flaws subconciously and realize later my mistake?
I've been feeling disheartened on my dream job recently. I finally played a few pick up games of ice hockey for the first time in months. My first skate went ok, but I felt like my skating was off a bit, the next two games were a lot worse. I couldn't stop hardly anything. I feel like if I can't even skate the basics how am I supposed to teach anybody anything. I also need to get a job before I can even get any of this off of the ground. Hopefully I hear back soon. I need to get this done. I just don't know the words to say yet. I am not looking forward to this. Are we going to be able to be friends later? or are we going to fade away quickly.
I really miss HER. I think. Evidence for this theory stems from me reading old MSN conversations from 7 years ago. Jesus, has it been that long? For 7 years I have been obsessing over this girl. I am cringing so hard reading the things I wrote seven years ago that I can feel ulcers growing in me. I just remembered how she kept kicking my ass at reversi. If there ever were a motivating reason to invent a time machine, this MSN conversation is it. I was going to get some sleep but I am too pissed off at my past self. I was SUCH A DICK. It's like I was trying to throw it away. GAHHHH!
I actually found something I wrote, and I really like it, it's from seven years ago.
Do you think of me, like I dream of you? Is my time wasted on nothing but a picture? What could be isn't, and what I know is that when this is over, one of us is going to be hurt and I think I know who it is, if you're not worth dying for then what is? In a year you'll be nothing more than a faded memory, a painful reminder of why I keep to myself, and why I promise myself it won't happen again, but I doubt it won't.
It's almost like I predicted the future with that one.
Monuments to a broken past.
I like that line.
Fuck. She did like me. I'm not crazy. Evidence given: use of "xo" at the end of later MSN convos, also her responses. Or I am batshit insane. Which is entirely possible considering it took two hours to write this. I finally found the conversation I am looking for. I was looking to see if her answer was a no or a not right now. I think it lies somewhere in the middle. "Damn, this is hard to say, don't get me wrong, I do like you, but a relationship isn't what I want out of life right now". I guess I could have waited it out. I don't know anymore.
Something else I wrote:
one more time, then I'm done, I swear. I always say that this is the last time, but I know it's not true, can't make it stop, one more hit, one more scar, one more broken heart.
So much angst.
Here I am reading 7 year old opinions as if they have even a little bit of relevance almost a decade later. I find it strange that one conversation can have so much effect on my life. I am also beyond happy that I kept this information and conversations for so long. It's nice have a documented history to rely on, to slow the decent of madness. I know somethings are missing, I might be able to track some of it down. Don't know if I will bother though.
Hello darkness,
What follows is the rant that can only be brought on by an all day marathon of The Community:
Have you ever had dream that made you question your route in life? Better yet if you've seen the movie Inception you might understand where I am coming from. At the end of the movie, The Mark is supposed to just up an disolve a multi-billion dollar industry built by his dead father based on a dream he had in an airplane. Crazy right? Well I could almost buy it after the dream I had this morning. It was about her. I've been thinking of her a lot lately. In this dream I can only remember a few specifics when I woke up. I remembered that the dream had been years long. I had spent what seemed like literal years in this reality. When I woke up my first thought was "please let just some of what I just experienced have been real" I remember an immense sadness when I realized it was a dream. Again nothing specific, and I am glad. I get the impression I had built some sort of life with her in this reality world. I had lingering feeling for a few hours after. That kind of feeling you get when you meet someone in a dream who isn't real but you somehow fell in love with anyway. That feeling of a finger in a wound you forgot was there. This was enhanced by the fact that it was her. I mean it wasn't just some faceless figure, it was her. She is real. What I dreamt could be at some point happen. It won't but it isn't impossible. If I hadn't been thinking about her a lot recently, I am now.
I don't know if I can describe love. Sometimes I feel like I can describe what it's not. I have been seriously considering breaking up with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half now. Which while typing that out a little red flag popped up. I sometimes I can't tell if I love her or not. I mean there's nothing wrong with her, but she's not the one. I think I love her in a way, she is a larger part of my life. But that feeling I woke up with reminded me what love should feel like. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
One of the reasons I've stuck around this time is, that she is my first real girlfriend. We've been through so much together. I do care for her. Furthermore at this pace we will be moving in together soon, which can not happen. We basically live together now, and there are no issues, which could mean marriage in a few years. So I've been struggling with throwing away marriage material. But just because it's not broken does it mean it's right? furthermore I am stuck at her house until such a time that I get a full time job meanwhile I work part time with her grandfather, so that would make an awkward situation and if/when we break up when I move home, I don't want them to think I was just using them. However I can't leave her now because I still need a forward operating base to job hunt.
Furthermore how far do I go for happiness? I mean I want to have kids before I am 30. That gives me 9 years. I want to be married for a year, dating for two before hand, so Ideally I would have to meet my future wife in the 5 years to have kids at 29. Do I choose my partner like I chose my career? Is hapiness more important than progress. Is there a point at which I should settle? Should I just be really selective while dating? Just pick them apart to mke sure they are perfect? Or will I look past their flaws subconciously and realize later my mistake?
I've been feeling disheartened on my dream job recently. I finally played a few pick up games of ice hockey for the first time in months. My first skate went ok, but I felt like my skating was off a bit, the next two games were a lot worse. I couldn't stop hardly anything. I feel like if I can't even skate the basics how am I supposed to teach anybody anything. I also need to get a job before I can even get any of this off of the ground. Hopefully I hear back soon. I need to get this done. I just don't know the words to say yet. I am not looking forward to this. Are we going to be able to be friends later? or are we going to fade away quickly.
I really miss HER. I think. Evidence for this theory stems from me reading old MSN conversations from 7 years ago. Jesus, has it been that long? For 7 years I have been obsessing over this girl. I am cringing so hard reading the things I wrote seven years ago that I can feel ulcers growing in me. I just remembered how she kept kicking my ass at reversi. If there ever were a motivating reason to invent a time machine, this MSN conversation is it. I was going to get some sleep but I am too pissed off at my past self. I was SUCH A DICK. It's like I was trying to throw it away. GAHHHH!
I actually found something I wrote, and I really like it, it's from seven years ago.
Do you think of me, like I dream of you? Is my time wasted on nothing but a picture? What could be isn't, and what I know is that when this is over, one of us is going to be hurt and I think I know who it is, if you're not worth dying for then what is? In a year you'll be nothing more than a faded memory, a painful reminder of why I keep to myself, and why I promise myself it won't happen again, but I doubt it won't.
It's almost like I predicted the future with that one.
Monuments to a broken past.
I like that line.
Fuck. She did like me. I'm not crazy. Evidence given: use of "xo" at the end of later MSN convos, also her responses. Or I am batshit insane. Which is entirely possible considering it took two hours to write this. I finally found the conversation I am looking for. I was looking to see if her answer was a no or a not right now. I think it lies somewhere in the middle. "Damn, this is hard to say, don't get me wrong, I do like you, but a relationship isn't what I want out of life right now". I guess I could have waited it out. I don't know anymore.
Something else I wrote:
one more time, then I'm done, I swear. I always say that this is the last time, but I know it's not true, can't make it stop, one more hit, one more scar, one more broken heart.
So much angst.
Here I am reading 7 year old opinions as if they have even a little bit of relevance almost a decade later. I find it strange that one conversation can have so much effect on my life. I am also beyond happy that I kept this information and conversations for so long. It's nice have a documented history to rely on, to slow the decent of madness. I know somethings are missing, I might be able to track some of it down. Don't know if I will bother though.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
I've been hoping for months, hoping for years, hoping I might forget. Aw, but it don't get much dumber, it don't get much dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her.
It's been awhile. So I've more or less decided I need to end my current relationship. I've been flip flopping for awhile now. Like changing my mind every other second. For almost a whole year. I talked it out with a close friend, which was surprisingly helpful. He asked:
"What are your reasons for staying with her?"
I replied sheepishly:
"Uhhhh... boobs and snuggles and stuff"
He made a good point. I love Chelsea. I do. However I believe I am unhappy. Or at least unhappy enough to seriously consider this.
I went to a strip club recently, hadn't had sex in about a month or so. I got my first lap dance, and the realization that I haven't nearly the amount of confidence I thought I had. I am still that same shy, awkward guy I was almost two years ago. When we walked into the strip club and sat down a stripper sat down next to me and casually grazed my crotch. Thank god the lights weren't brighter, I could feel myself blushing. Granted this isn't your everyday situation (pretty girl grazing your junk), but I felt the awkwardness again. I also (during the lap dance) realized a bit of what I was missing. I didn't realize how attracted I could be to someone. Part of it was probably the month without sex before I got there, but all I could do was picture myself sleeping with the scantly clad woman standing in front of me. Had I the money I was offered a $100 blowjob, I declined. Not out of morality mind you, but because I had only $40. It bothered me that I would be willing to cheat so readily.
This brought about a revisit to my questioning of my current circumstances. Again I love my girlfriend, and I would do everything make sure her feelings were never hurt, but I need out. I find myself not as attracted to her as I used to be, she has gained weight (I know I am no model, but I have noticed), she acts childish at times, moody others. She never seems interested in sex, and often she will sleep satisfied, whilst I go without. Which doesn't bother me too much. However if I can write this paragraph about all the things I am upset about, and only come up with boobs, cuddles, and stuff as reasons to stay together, I think it's time.
Problems arise from this decision. I am practically living at her house at the moment. I also work for her grandfather, it's also getting close to Christmas. Basically I need to pay off my debts before I can leave her. To do this I need to get my security license and get some full time hours going. If I can get a steady job, then I can truly move home, and save some money and get everything squared away.
I also have no idea how I am going to tell her. I have never dreaded a conversation this much in my life. She probably thinks everything is fine. Furthermore I thing I am going to be screwed for awhile in terms of dating, I've got no way to meet someone new, and recently got a reminder of how much online dating sucks.
Good news time:
I am getting in shape however. I deliver newspapers Friday, Saturday, I play dodge-ball Wednesday, Floor hockey Saturday, Sunday X2, I play Broom-ball Sunday nights, and soon will be playing Soccer on Sundays as well. So I am feeling pretty good right now.
I've figured out what I want to do with my life, I want to run a Goalie school/camp or be a Goalie coach. I have gotten a pretty decent start with interning at a camp this past summer, and am looking into running some small camps this winter. Words cannot describe how happy I am and how good it feels to work towards a goal.
Depressing news time:
All this pondering over breaking up has got me thinking about the past, furthermore the song lyric in my title phrases it perfectly; "it don't get much dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her.". I have been thinking about Maddie recently, and I remember back to the MSN conversation we had where she said no. Or as I recently have come to realize may have been a "not right now" instead of a straight up "no". I will have to review the saved conversations if they are still there. For something I have reviewed a million times over, I will be pretty pissed if it's the case. Maybe if I had waited, or done something differently? This is all ancient history anyways, the girl I fell in love with is gone, replaced by someone else. Maybe someone better, I'm not sure I want to find out. As she is not the same girl, I am not the same guy. I can't change anything in the past, nor can I attempt anything now, but I sure as hell can't forget.
Wish me luck Darkness.
"What are your reasons for staying with her?"
I replied sheepishly:
"Uhhhh... boobs and snuggles and stuff"
He made a good point. I love Chelsea. I do. However I believe I am unhappy. Or at least unhappy enough to seriously consider this.
I went to a strip club recently, hadn't had sex in about a month or so. I got my first lap dance, and the realization that I haven't nearly the amount of confidence I thought I had. I am still that same shy, awkward guy I was almost two years ago. When we walked into the strip club and sat down a stripper sat down next to me and casually grazed my crotch. Thank god the lights weren't brighter, I could feel myself blushing. Granted this isn't your everyday situation (pretty girl grazing your junk), but I felt the awkwardness again. I also (during the lap dance) realized a bit of what I was missing. I didn't realize how attracted I could be to someone. Part of it was probably the month without sex before I got there, but all I could do was picture myself sleeping with the scantly clad woman standing in front of me. Had I the money I was offered a $100 blowjob, I declined. Not out of morality mind you, but because I had only $40. It bothered me that I would be willing to cheat so readily.
This brought about a revisit to my questioning of my current circumstances. Again I love my girlfriend, and I would do everything make sure her feelings were never hurt, but I need out. I find myself not as attracted to her as I used to be, she has gained weight (I know I am no model, but I have noticed), she acts childish at times, moody others. She never seems interested in sex, and often she will sleep satisfied, whilst I go without. Which doesn't bother me too much. However if I can write this paragraph about all the things I am upset about, and only come up with boobs, cuddles, and stuff as reasons to stay together, I think it's time.
Problems arise from this decision. I am practically living at her house at the moment. I also work for her grandfather, it's also getting close to Christmas. Basically I need to pay off my debts before I can leave her. To do this I need to get my security license and get some full time hours going. If I can get a steady job, then I can truly move home, and save some money and get everything squared away.
I also have no idea how I am going to tell her. I have never dreaded a conversation this much in my life. She probably thinks everything is fine. Furthermore I thing I am going to be screwed for awhile in terms of dating, I've got no way to meet someone new, and recently got a reminder of how much online dating sucks.
Good news time:
I am getting in shape however. I deliver newspapers Friday, Saturday, I play dodge-ball Wednesday, Floor hockey Saturday, Sunday X2, I play Broom-ball Sunday nights, and soon will be playing Soccer on Sundays as well. So I am feeling pretty good right now.
I've figured out what I want to do with my life, I want to run a Goalie school/camp or be a Goalie coach. I have gotten a pretty decent start with interning at a camp this past summer, and am looking into running some small camps this winter. Words cannot describe how happy I am and how good it feels to work towards a goal.
Depressing news time:
All this pondering over breaking up has got me thinking about the past, furthermore the song lyric in my title phrases it perfectly; "it don't get much dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her.". I have been thinking about Maddie recently, and I remember back to the MSN conversation we had where she said no. Or as I recently have come to realize may have been a "not right now" instead of a straight up "no". I will have to review the saved conversations if they are still there. For something I have reviewed a million times over, I will be pretty pissed if it's the case. Maybe if I had waited, or done something differently? This is all ancient history anyways, the girl I fell in love with is gone, replaced by someone else. Maybe someone better, I'm not sure I want to find out. As she is not the same girl, I am not the same guy. I can't change anything in the past, nor can I attempt anything now, but I sure as hell can't forget.
Wish me luck Darkness.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
"... And that I see a darkness, and did you know how much I love you? is a hope that somehow you can save me from this darkness"
Hello darkness. Today's topic: Death.
Oh how things can change so drastically in such a short time. I read these posts and the thoughts inside them seem almost foreign to me. Things I cannot believe I have put to paper. However this is why I started this blog. Years from now I can look back and read some of my thought processes and see how things really were.
So here's a quick rundown of what I have neglected to write about in the last almost entire year. I joined a rec hockey league. Got better at hockey. I quit my job. I went on welfare. I spent a wonderful 6 months enjoying the shit out of life. Even if it was just lazing around the apartment. Planned to move to Ottawa to work for my dad. I helped a childhood friend and he moved in with us. Marcel moved out. I realized that sometimes the past needs to stay in the past. Took up ultimate Frisbee. Decided I wanted to get into goalie coaching/open my own goalie school. I changed my mind about Ottawa and decided instead to move home to get my finances in order instead. I interned at one of the best goalie schools in North America. Didn't do much, but learned a lot there. I am happily in love with my girlfriend Chelsea. I have doubts, and concerns, and fears, but I know this is normal. I feel I have matured and grown this year, I know there is still room for improvement.
Now on with the show.
Chelsea's grandmother died yesterday. Having lost my own grandfather last year I knew how she felt. It's been difficult. To be honest I am thankful it's over. Things have been hectic recently and not worrying about her suffering is a bit relaxing as terrible as it sounds.
It was strange, I watched someone I care about so much, suffer to the point of hysterics, I tried my best to sound empathetic. She's still upset which is understandable, however I almost feel impatient that she hasn't moved on yet, I thought it was just me being strange as I got over my grandfathers death pretty quickly, however her brother and mother seem to be ok now too. Maybe its a guy/adult thing?
As much as I want to have children I can't imagine bringing a kid into the world. I almost wish we could tell them before their born, give them a choice and have them understand this: In this world there is great happiness, and wonders. You will run, laugh, play, and love. You will learn, grow, and experience things so amazing they can only be experienced to be believed. You will watch everyone you know grow old, get sick, suffer and die one by one, and each one will leave an emptiness inside you so deep that at first it seems unrepairable. In your life you will witness great marvels of technology and triumphs of man over obstacle. You will see poverty, despair and great tragedy, and there is not one single thing you can do to change any of it. Do you really want this?
Some man recently committed suicide and put up a website outlining his ideas and reasoning, and I thought that was really interesting I have it bookmarked I plan to read it soon. I think I might leave this blog up and give the link to my children when I pass.
See you whenever.
Oh how things can change so drastically in such a short time. I read these posts and the thoughts inside them seem almost foreign to me. Things I cannot believe I have put to paper. However this is why I started this blog. Years from now I can look back and read some of my thought processes and see how things really were.
So here's a quick rundown of what I have neglected to write about in the last almost entire year. I joined a rec hockey league. Got better at hockey. I quit my job. I went on welfare. I spent a wonderful 6 months enjoying the shit out of life. Even if it was just lazing around the apartment. Planned to move to Ottawa to work for my dad. I helped a childhood friend and he moved in with us. Marcel moved out. I realized that sometimes the past needs to stay in the past. Took up ultimate Frisbee. Decided I wanted to get into goalie coaching/open my own goalie school. I changed my mind about Ottawa and decided instead to move home to get my finances in order instead. I interned at one of the best goalie schools in North America. Didn't do much, but learned a lot there. I am happily in love with my girlfriend Chelsea. I have doubts, and concerns, and fears, but I know this is normal. I feel I have matured and grown this year, I know there is still room for improvement.
Now on with the show.
Chelsea's grandmother died yesterday. Having lost my own grandfather last year I knew how she felt. It's been difficult. To be honest I am thankful it's over. Things have been hectic recently and not worrying about her suffering is a bit relaxing as terrible as it sounds.
It was strange, I watched someone I care about so much, suffer to the point of hysterics, I tried my best to sound empathetic. She's still upset which is understandable, however I almost feel impatient that she hasn't moved on yet, I thought it was just me being strange as I got over my grandfathers death pretty quickly, however her brother and mother seem to be ok now too. Maybe its a guy/adult thing?
As much as I want to have children I can't imagine bringing a kid into the world. I almost wish we could tell them before their born, give them a choice and have them understand this: In this world there is great happiness, and wonders. You will run, laugh, play, and love. You will learn, grow, and experience things so amazing they can only be experienced to be believed. You will watch everyone you know grow old, get sick, suffer and die one by one, and each one will leave an emptiness inside you so deep that at first it seems unrepairable. In your life you will witness great marvels of technology and triumphs of man over obstacle. You will see poverty, despair and great tragedy, and there is not one single thing you can do to change any of it. Do you really want this?
Some man recently committed suicide and put up a website outlining his ideas and reasoning, and I thought that was really interesting I have it bookmarked I plan to read it soon. I think I might leave this blog up and give the link to my children when I pass.
See you whenever.
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