Merry Fucking Christmas. (You, Can't, Kill, Me, I'm, Already, Inside, You)

(If the pain goes on, I'm not going to make it!)
Ever notice how when you cut yourself, everything you bump into after hits that exact spot? I am currently alone. I don’t think I’ve ever been so alone. It’s Christmas eve; well Christmas now I guess. I am stuck here by myself I have no one to talk to, no one to message, the only people I would usually talk to about my problems with are currently both of the people I am having issues with. Natalie is my go to girl to talk to about girl problems, so I clearly can't talk to her at all. Marcel is the other and he is just too close to the situation now. It's getting worse now. It's like all of the reasons I swore off emotions we're lost to me, and slowly I'm remembering them all. 


Stage 1:
-I obsess. This was probably the first thing to come back.
-I do stupid things, or at least notice and care more. 
Stage 2:
-The panic attacks. They've gotten pretty bad at times.
-I can't sleep.
Stage 3:
- I am indecisive. I can't make decisions. Which is just fucking awesome.
- I can't take criticism anymore, joking or not. It's fucked up, if someone jokingly says something negative about me, my eyes get all watery. I don't feel like I'm going to cry, my eyes just get watery. Then I panic and think people are going to think I'm crying which makes it worse. I had forgotten this, and it sucks fucking balls. 
Stage 4:
- Depression. I'm down all the goddamn time now.

Fuck whatever is supposed to be next. I can do anything. I can take anything. I am invincible. There's nothing that I haven't before and won't be able to in the future deal with. I'm going back. I remember it more now, I didn't do this just because I felt like it, I did this out of necessity. I need this. I just need sometime away from people to get this started, a few nights listening to music, thinking, and finding that peaceful place inside me. The place where nothing matters. I am going to pick something else to focus on right now, I've been working out with some basic exercises to angry music, I feel better. As for Natalie. That ship has clearly fucking sailed, time to man up and move on. I won't be talking to her for at least the next five days, whether she starts the conversation or not. After that, if she still tries to say hello, I will respond but my answers will be limited, I will not proactively seek contact with her.  


I am free. I am unbreakable. Just go ahead and try.

Feel it all slipping away

Ok so would anyone else consider this a mixed message? We're chatting and she sends me a link to what she's getting on boxing day, it's lingerie. She. Sent me. A like. To a lingerie site. This will be the death of me, on top of the whole Clusterfuck that is this whole situation, I keep trying, fuck this, fuck all of this. Fuck this girl, fuck that night, fuck this situation, fuck this whole fucking fucked up fuck.

Then: (and sometimes now)
I love her laugh,
I love her smile,
I love the way she say "awwe" to eveything
I love her deep brown eyes,
I love the way she stares at me when we talk

Now: (always now)
I hate her crooked fucking teeth,
I hate her heartless cackle,
I hate the sound of her squeaky voice,
I hate her shit stained eyes,
I hate the way I feel when I'm near her, or think of her,


I've never experienced such a goddamn split between opinions on one subject let alone to those extremes. I spent half my drive away from the apartment screaming lyrics to angry songs, and the other half laughing like Tyler Durden when he got the shit kicked out of him by Lou.

PICK UP THE PACE

So I almost accidentally got her to go to a movie with me today. She asked me what I was doing, I said a movie, she said "With Marcel?", I said no, and I quickly realized where this might be heading, I then changed it to cleaning the apartment. I just needed a day away from her. Even though we spent pretty much the entire day chatting on facebook. Good job on minimizing contact self. So fuck trying to give up and trying to get with her, I'm just going to do whatever the fuck I feel like until this is over. I'm back on the dating site trying to bury Natalie with some other girl I can distract myself with. Also I don't think "The Return" is going to happen, my December has been to busy, maybe in April. Hockey tomorrow, hopefully ankle is back to full strength.

Redemption: part 2

So she came over again, which kinda sucked, I had a whole night of sulking and relaxing planned out. I waited for her to show up, I was not anxious, I didn't plot, I simply waited. When she got here I had started on my second drink, she tried it and asked me to pour her one, I did. She then said "oh if we're drinking I might just crash here then". I don't think any girl in the history of the world has made me flip flop on emotions like this, my brain immediately switched gears, I tried my best to ignore it. When I sat down I sat at the edge of the couch. There was a whole other couch for her to sit on, and two others for that matter, but she sat right next to me, almost uncomfortably so, as I couldn't move my arm around her, and play the game she brought. So I figure it was just nothing, and keep playing. I don't remember the exact conversation that led to this but she said "I think Marcel's still pissed about last time" she said this while laughing, I said "No I talked to him, he said he didn't care". Not out of malice just reflexively. She seemed to consider this a moment and no further comments on the subject were made. Marcel was supposed to arrive at 11:00 but lost his job and arrived home early, the exact second he walked in the door she shifted away. Her whole body language changed, she drew her legs in and then held them in place with her arms. Anyway nothing else really notable happened, I again clung to her saying that she might stay the night, but she left again. I miss sleep. I give up. And this time... I mean it. It's weird giving up seems to make me not want to spend time with her any more, I almost felt annoyed at the end before she left. It reminds me of another girl I had a crush on for a short time, after giving up I felt a strange resentment towards her, which eventually led to straight up hate. She was and still is a bitch, but I can't help but feel like this is a bad coping mechanism that ends up pushing a lot of people away. Today's topic: No paragraphs, and no structure. Fuck. This. Week.

"Reality is only an opinion"

So the "redemption" happened tonight. She came over. I'm pretty sure this is a lost cause. Here is the series of events as I interpreted them.

1. We're talking online, and she says, "I'm bored, I kinda feel like driving into Kingston for nooooo reason", I interpret this as I want to drive to Kingston so I say "Lol you should come over, My room mate is working and I'm bored". She says "I can if you want, I'm doing fuck all", I say "Hell yea" <- not actual quote. So at this point I interpret, I'm driving 10 minutes taking a 20 minute ferry and then driving another 20 minutes to get to your house, just because I can.

2. She comes over and she has brought movies, so we select one and sit down to watch it, I put my arm around her, and she leans in, we stay this way the whole movie, I don't try anything I'm still waiting for "that" moment. (it doesn't arrive). All in all at this point I feel pretty good, like maybe things are looking up, she mentions its freezing rain outside and half mentions not wanting to drive, I interpret this as a good sign in my favor.

3. Drive roommate home, put in second movie, put around her like I did before.... Nothing, no lean in, no shuffle closer, nothing. Well shit, I guess I can cling to the hope that she'll stay, nope she leaves. Ok so at this point, I'm leaning towards this isn't going to happen.

So yea I guess that's it. I'm not going to actively shun her but I'm not going to put forth the effort as much to chat/hang out with, I'll see if I can't kill this quietly. After she left I was disappointed but what has followed has been kind of serene and peaceful, I haven't slept in a few days so maybe I'm finally crashing. I think I'm done, I can't wait for the invincibility that should follow.

"Feet fail me not this may be the only opportunity that I got"

When recovering, one should not plan on a relapse.

So she may be coming over Wednesday. I don't have a plan. Besides having the apartment to ourselves, my only real game plan is to wait for "the moment". I'm sure you know the moment. That brief second when time stops and your staring into each others eyes... leaning in.... and then some asshole or something random comes in to ruin it. With apartment to myself I think I can generate a moment and be safe in not having it ruined. This is my only plan. Here goes everything. I hope to god this works, I don't know how I'll find someone else I feel this way about. I am confident. This will work. It just has to.