I didn't know coffee didn't actually mean coffee

Today's topic: Missed opportunities.

As you can see when I'm upset I have lots to say. That is to say I lack the ability to shut the fuck up. So I've been thinking (because that's all there is to do when you're in bed not sleeping). I think I've been obsessing over this for a few reasons.
- The experience elicits a strong emotional response that I am not used to. Equal parts positive and devastating if I had to guess.
- I missed out. As it turns out people are more likely to respond to offers that are for a limited time, as it is an innate human response to fear missing out. For me especially, I've had other situations that I've missed out on that made me react in similar ways.

The part that bothers me the most?
I can say I had a topless drunk girl in my bed and I didn't try anything. I DIDN'T EVEN TRY!

I have a hard time thinking about it without being consumed by the memory. I don't know if I want to forget, I like that someone made me feel this way, it's proof that it can and likely will happen again with someone else. The music is helping? I don't know, I find it easier to ignore thoughts while focusing on lyrics and melodies. Daytime is better now, as long as I'm with someone it keeps my mind of it. Nighttime is worse, it always is. But hey it's better than the anxiety attacks.

So what, like 20 days now until she can maybe hang out? *SIGH* Is this helping? I'm hoping if I just get it the hell out of my system then it will be better. I forgot how much crushes suck.

Can't make her real...

Christ this feels like a physical addiction, I had the most vivid dream ever. I woke up in a cold sweat, I keep getting flashbacks to Sunday. This can't be healthy. There's more than one girl out there, I can wait. I keep thinking I missed my chance and at the same time forgetting that I'm supposed to be waiting. I only wish laying down to sleep didn't induce the obsession. Sleep now. I hope.

"You don't have to fight to maintain control of the situation."

Today's topic: Giving up.

Finally something I'm an expert in. So I went and consulted a girl about my current situation. She thinks I blew any chance I might have had. Based almost solely on the fact that Natalie was quick to be busy all of December, and not be more willing/ or appear to be more proactive at trying to hang out again in the near future. Kind of depressing I was hoping for a much more positive outlook on the situation, now am more disheartened.

This bothers me. A lot. Better yet I don't know why this bothers me. At all. I had a great night, and the apparent prospect of it probably never happening with her again is apparently life interrupting. I can't seem to get it out of my head. Instead of focusing on the positives, I keep going over perceived mistakes, and hating myself for them.

Is this what I've been working towards? The same insecurities and fears that I had before? What I always thought was funny, I'd talk with my family about my life in general, stuff about my dad going to prison, my horse dying and my life in general going to shit, and they'd always say that I handled it well and that they probably couldn't do the same. I thought it funny because really it's not hard, it's as easy as giving up. As easy as saying "I don't care". The ones who are really strong are the ones who choose to feel every second of it. The ones who are willing to weather the up and the mostly downs time and again.

I like that I can (or at least have before) just quit whenever I want. I think it might take a few days to get used to again. I miss not worrying about anything. The confidence you have in knowing that even if you do fuck up, it doesn't matter. No hassles, no obsessing, just peace. I think another big reason it attracts me, is the prospect of control. Control over my feelings and therefore a more logical psychological and physiological response in everyday situations. I'm very all or nothing, if one thing doesn't matter, then nothing does. It's actually a part of the law of human internal consistencies, people are more likely to act like how they perceive themselves and also how they think others perceive them. Therefore if I perceive myself as cold hearted and emotionless, than that's how I will act, and therefore become.

Now all that being said, I don't think I want to be that person. It took me this long to get semi used to being an open person, and since I've started it has lead to an increase in prospects and dates, and so far the downs have been worth the ups. In the back of my mind I hold on to just a few tidbits of hope, little perfect glimmering memories of Sunday and the conversation the day after that go against the theory (which sounds like an awesome band name).
- She mentions in bed that she wants to meet my family (could mean nothing but it sounds positive).
- She mentions that while in school she does have a car, and that she will try to make it back for visits (that's right plural of visit).
- She stayed in bed almost 3 hours after having woken up, and showed no real hurry to get out or leave.
I think that's all the hope fuel I need to forge ahead. I can cling to that for awhile, she did say maybe to a hang out sometime after the 20th. So that's what I'll wait for. I give up on giving up.

"The ends justify the means, and it's not over yet, so shut up, strap in, and pray"

           So yea, I feel... well that in itself  is news, even if it is awful. It's kinda like when you have a nightmare and have that god awful feeling that you've done something wrong, and when you wake up you're so relieved it didn't happen. That's how I feel minus the relieved part.

While I'm proud I did anything with Natalie I think I should have tried for more. As Marcel pointed out later she was probably here to get laid. Which turned my night of awesomeness into: "oohhhhhh.... Fuck." So I figured well whatever she'll be around, I can always work towards it, she doesn't leave for school until like may or some shit. Or you know January 9th. Again, Fuck. Ok well at least I still have some time before she leaves. Or you know, none because she's booked up at work, and then going out of town for a week. So bottom line she said she could try to make room for me sometime after that. So I might be able to see her again 21 days from now. Ok fine at least she can't be moving that far away for school. Or you know, Hamilton which is like 4 hours away.

Now as for Marcel's theory the evidence is as follows (in rough chronological order):
- Natalie breaks up with boyfriend.
- Natalie starts talking to me again.
- Natalie half invites her self over to drink, and to stay overnight.
- Natalie mentions a year or so back that she gets kinda slutty when she drinks (I'm not saying she does, I'm just saying that's what I was told).
- Natalie states that she will be spending the night in one of our beds.
- Natalie spends night in bed.
- Natalie "Doesn't mind" if I don't wearing pants.
- Natalie "Is too hot" and takes off top. So just to recap so far, she's basically naked in my bed, and we're both moderately drunk.
- Natalie States that she's not looking for a relationship, (not to me asking, but just kind of says it in conversation)
- I'm a dumb ass who could have easily misread the whole situation (This should be at the beginning).

Evidence against this theory:
- Natalie mentions that she doesn't usually have sex on first dates.
- If she wanted sex, she would have said something right? Right?
- Or at least like touched it right?
- Life would reeeally suck if I missed this, so ipso facto Marcel's wrong.

So as you can see Marcel's theory is complete bogus.

Now as for what's going to happen. I have no idea, and that terrifies me. I've never stood to loose so much. I mean if she liked me, wouldn't she try harder to be able to hang out? She did agree to maybe hanging out again, but the maybe bothers me, is it a cop out or is she going to be busy? She did in the morning mention wanting to meet my mom, which I thought strange, and I have no idea how serious she was. The more I over-analyze this, the more I'm pretty sure this was nothing, that the something was supposed to happen that night, and that I've missed my chance for good. I keep thinking in my head that this will be nearly impossible to live with, but part of me knows this is stupid that I'll get over it. I don't know if I want to. I've never bonded with someone so quickly in my entire life, I felt comfortable, she could have asked anything and I would have told her. I trusted someone, and I didn't die. I guess that in itself is a step forward. I think I'm going to have to (much like every time I have a prospect) just wait. In the meantime I think I'm going to ask hockey chick to coffee this week. That ought to take my mind off of this. I miss thinking normally as much as I did cuddling.

"Reality is in the details, and this, this is my attempt at depicting reality."

I have these little bit and pieces, all equally important, but I can't seem to make them all fit together fluidly. I am going to try and make this as vivid and as verbatim as possible. So every detail I remember will be going in here.

So Sunday. Sunday Sucked. Monday in the very early morning was awesome. Sunday's at work are always the closest thing in the world to getting paid for doing nothing. However this time, they found a use for us, and we were busy dealing with annoying customers for 12 hours, which normally wouldn't be bad but normally on Sundays it's so dead we can go home very early, which would have been awesome because that's when Natalie was coming over.

I get home at 12:20 AM to find Marcel/Natalie already drunk/in process of getting drunker. She was sitting next to him and at the time it bothered me a little. But I figured Marcel wouldn't do anything, because he knows I was planning on making a move that night. So I set about catching up drinking-wise. I noticed Marcel had his arm around her, at which point I was bothered a lot, at this point after having a shitty day I figured it was just going to continue this way so I then proceeded to quit my original plan and just get shitfaced and pass out.

We drank until 3:30 AM at which point we all kind of decided it was time to sleep, we all proceeded to walk down the hallway towards the bedrooms, when she piped up "So who am I rooming with", to which I quickly replied "You can sleep with me" (I guess I hadn't given up after all, I don't think I would have said it if I hadn't been so drunk. So she followed me into my room.

At first we were both pretty much clothed, she had her top and some shorts on, and I had pants (because fuck pajamas/shorts). She laid down next to me, and kind of snuggled up close to me. I could smell her perfume. I asked if she minded if I put my arm around her. She said "No, go for it.". The closeness was nice, I keep forgetting how much I missed that. I kept realizing that I was forgetting to breath. I was half paranoid that my breathing down her neck might bother her.  After a while I realized pants were not a good option for sharing a bed, I complained about the heat, she said I could take them off. We lay together for awhile talking about nothing in particular. After awhile she took off her top, also because of the heat. Bonus.

I said "you and Marcel seemed to hit it off", and I don't remember her exact response, what she said boiled down to"I don't really know him that well". I suddenly felt a lot better, but also at the same time like an asshole for just snatching her away at the end of the night, when he probably spent the better part of the night chatting her up. She said she hoped we weren't keeping him up with our chatting/laughing which got kind of loud at times, because she thought it seemed like kinda of a slap in the face. I worried this might cause an issue. The last thing I wanted would be to have a huge fight with my best friend over a girl, I decided I would try to ignore it for the time being.

We spent most of the night just talking and cuddling. Talking about family, past relationships, feelings etc. I don't remember the last time I felt so close and so comfortable with someone. She mentioned that she wasn't really looking for a relationship at the moment. I agreed for two reasons; I wanted to seem not clingy, and I really don't know if I could manage one right now. I have to thank the filter in my brain that stops me from saying stupid things, I imagine that I would have messed it up otherwise. I did however tell her "I like you", to which she replied "Oh yea?". I think there was more to that conversation but I don't remember.

Eventually she leaned in close, I snuggled closer to her, and I was pretty sure we were going to kiss. It was funny because until that moment I hadn't realized how dry my mouth was. Again I remembered breathing was something that my body required. I'm sure none of this is a big deal to anyone else, but for whatever reason, to me, this ritual was intoxicating. I was in bed, my bed, with a pretty girl, and I don't think I could have been happier. This was probably the best night of my life to date. We ended up making out for a time. I never realized how soothing it could be to have someone stroke your hair. I think were awake until 6:30 AM and kind of dozed on and off together for a few hours and eventually woke up around 11:30 AM, we ended up talking until about 1 PM.

We got up and moved into the living room, Marcel was on the couch already, and I moved to my spot from last night and she to hers. I half expected him to be angry, I tried my hardest not to smile. We sat talking and listening to music until Marcel started Superbad, and again I noticed Marcel's arm around her, I wasn't bothered at first, I figured the night before meant something, I don't know what, but I felt secure for a while anyway.  Now I know, Natalie and I aren't dating, but I figured Marcel, would have cooled it at this point, now it was probably innocent and it was me being a jealous prick, but for whatever reason I couldn't help but let it bother me. So I just did my best to ignore it until she left. She left after the movie and Marcel and I proceeded to talk about the incident. Apparently he didn't care as much as I thought he would, and we thankfully didn't keep him up all night, I didn't really ask about the arm thing, but I don't know what answer I would expect from him.

I have written everything above as it happened, or at least how I saw it. I have not embellished anything. I am now just stuck here wondering, what does it mean? Was this just a one time thing? Is she interested in meeting again under similar circumstances? Was she just looking for a one night stand? Would she consider a relationship? This will undoubtedly bother me for a while. I haven't felt this range of differing and confusing emotions in a long time. When I am overwhelmed I tend to break everything down, focus on the easy solutions or work on the issue bit by bit until I understand it. After thinking about it, I think I want to pursue a relationship with her, I don't know if I'll get that opportunity and I think that's what bothers me the most. On a side note I am happy that I followed through with my plan and succeeded in doing so.

For now I guess I should formulate a plan. I really want to see her again, and am paranoid to message her right away for fear of seeming clingy. Anyway that's it for now. This has been a reality-check broadcast.