What's happened since last I wrote? Well I continued on my tinder spree, I ended up sleeping with 4 different girls from April to July. Around that time I became a little disillusioned with the whole tinder scene and settled down with a girl. Which sounds crazy I know, I find it somewhat ironic that while I was in a relationship I was afraid of leaving because I would be alone forever, now I am afraid to enter in a relationship afraid that I will be stuck again.
The girl I picked at the time is absolutely gorgeous. I knew she was something special the first time I met her. She has long red hair, and freckles, she's maybe 5'6'' and very slender. She's a Queens graduate, and very funny, and she plays sports. We met for coffee and went for a walk along the water. The second date we met at her apartment and watched Netflix, we watched, Friends, Bridesmaids, and parts of the Big Lebowski. A lot of it was missed due to distractions. We met a few more times after this, and it was really fun. I enjoyed spending time with her, and after awhile my tinder matches dried up, another girl I was seeing at the time, was always to busy to spend time with me, a third girl decided she didn't want to see me if I was seeing other people, and I realized not only was this situation no longer fun, but that the girl I wanted to spend all my time with happened to be the last one I was still seeing.
She was the first to admit to having feelings (this was before I stopped tindering), and I told her I felt the same way. It wasn't just sex, I actually enjoyed my time with her. So after the aforementioned sickness with tinder I asked her if she wanted to date exclusively and she said yes. We were dating each other and no one else but we weren't official (I guess the only difference really is a label). I took her to the annual summer party and she met all of my friends which was awesome, and about a week later we added the label.
So then we dated until about 3 weeks ago when she left to visit her family on a trip to England.
Apologies everything before this point was written in September of 2015, now that the story is done I can come back and finish it.
So about 2 weeks before she left (this is approximate I have since lost my recorded messages) she had been acting a tad distant, She had asked if she could download Tinder again, and my heart sank. Not wanting to be a possessive jealous person and make her feel trapped I relented I said something along the lines of: "Sure as long your not planning on chatting with them", I don't remember what happened after that but I think it basically became do whatever you want.
Now if I'm being honest at the time I was feeling a bit flighty myself, I thought I might not be ready to be in a relationship and with her text that kind of pushed me away a bit as well, and I think it was just the perfect combination for the following. Then about a week before she left we ended up agreeing to go on a break while she was gone and we would consider what we wanted to do, Either to end it, or restart it.
So as she left in the middle of August, I began to ponder what I wanted, and as I visited family I began to realize my feelings had grown for her a lot more than I had thought. We chatted maybe about a week in and continued to chat almost daily until she came back.
When she came back I laid it all out, I told her how I felt and that I didn't think I could go back to the open relationship thing, and that I wanted to be with her and only her. Her response was lukewarm, she wasn't up for it. So we agreed to part ways and that was that. For about a week. In that time I slept with a girl who to this day is the only person I regret sleeping with. It was not worth it.
I received a message from her about a week later :"I miss you". That essentially led to a few weeks of casual sex, and things seemed to be going well, I would sleep at her house some nights and we would cuddle and things would be good. We talked a bit about getting back together she was pout off that I had slept with one person even though we weren't together and again when I slept with the second girl, so that delayed things a bit and I was still on the fence at that point as well. That's when the bomb dropped.
The next time I came over she said she wanted to talk. She had been hesitant at first, but I encouraged her and said whatever it is, I'm sure it's fine. She had cheated on me. I was confused, we weren't dating she didn't really cheat on me. She reiterated: "Before I left for England". Then there was nothing. Just a calm where the rage should have been, just emptiness where the sadness should have been. Just a dead look on my face where words should have been. I laid there for a few moments before she asked if she could hug me. I said sure. I felt strangely unaffected. Just kind of quiet. We chatted for a bit and then left. I also lost my soccer game that night to a team we should have beaten. It wasn't a good night,
The next few weeks we continued seeing each other even though we both knew it was a bad idea. I struggled a bit, trying to decide if we did get back together whether I could look past that she had cheated, and not be suspicious of her in the future. But things got better. We started going on actual dates, out for dinner, out for a movie (the newest James Bond at the time (Specter)), and it was nice. I remembered why I had fallen for her in the first place. For a while things were looking good. I thought there might be a chance at rekindling.
A about a month later I met up with her after work, we went down to Lone-star and had a nice meal. We held hands walking back to her place. We laid in her bed and cuddled, eventually she said: (conversational approximate)
"How long have we been doing this?"
"What do you mean?" I replied.
"I mean this, we've been doing this for longer than we were ever together." She stated.
"Well yea but it's not that bad right? Are you not enjoying this?" I asked.
"I don't know if I can keep doing this, I don't want to be with other guys and still be hung up on you" She answered.
"Well shit... I mean are you saying you don't want to do this anymore?" I asked afraid of the answer.
"I... I think so." She replied sheepishly.
This whole conversation came out of nowhere we were having a great time, and I thought things were going well. I honestly thought we might be on the path to getting back together.
She said we had to delete each others numbers and text conversations so we wouldn't be tempted to contact each other again. I asked if she wanted me to leave and find another place to sleep that night. She said she did. I asked if she didn't want a few minutes of cuddling (and also sex because I'm being honest), she said she didn't think it was a good idea. She asked me if I wanted the hockey socks I gave her, and I said she should keep them. She said something about seeing them would make her sad, and I said that she should keep them still. I hugged her and left (I don't think we kissed). That was about December 10th. 2015. I sent her a good bye text, that I have since lost. I also sent her a Facebook message:
"Hey roux, I wanted to send this in a text but I forgot to before I lost your number. I just wanted to say I really enjoyed the time I did get to spend with you, short as it was. I hope you succeed in whatever you do and hope that you have a good life and find the happiness that you deserve. I don't know if it showed but I was really sad that tonight was our last time together and I think my last text didn't really didn't express how I felt. This is going to be a rough few weeks for me. Again, all the best to you and whatever you do. -Calvin (Lord Poobottom III) McLellan"
There was no reply. The next few weeks were tough, I spent a long time thinking about her. Missing her. I ended up deleting and blocking her from my Facebook and deleting her from my snap-chat so I wouldn't be tempted to contact her.
This continued until a few weeks ago when I got drunk and drunk unblocked and added her on Facebook, she accepted the next day. Then I managed to maintain radio silence until last night when I drunk messaged her. It was going well at first, just catching up on each others lives as we hadn't chatted in over 2 months. Then the conversation got quiet, and I sent her this:
"I miss you."
No reply. Fuck.
I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, but I followed it up with:
"Annnnd I'm sorry I sent that. Drunk texting is part of why I try not t drunk much."
You know it's a bad drunk text when you realize it was a mistake while still drunk. Still no reply.
In the morning I managed a bit of damage control and apologized, to which she replied.
For the last 2 months I've been feeling lost, I had no closure, it was so sudden, and the forced no messaging rule made it really tough. I couldn't figure it out. What happened? Why the sudden change? I needed to message her, maybe that will take away the obsession. It didn't. So I figured I would finish this entry. It has been a bit cathartic, and going over exactly what happened helps a bit. But I am still hung up on her. I still see her when I close my eyes sometimes. I have vivid flashbacks of her, and I am nearly brought to my knees. I think I see her on the street and I am unable to think of anything else for the rest of the day. I can't wait for this to stop. I want to just put her out of my mind and move on but its taking a long time.
I have since been trying to fill the hole in my life with more girls and some alcohol and school but it does a piss poor job. I am ready for a relationship, but all the girls I meet have the same problem, they aren't her. I still miss her. Fuck.
On another note I passed my first semester of college and am on pace to pass the second semester as well. Here's to the future. Maybe I'll update more than twice this year?
