Where was I? Oh yes that's right I can't fucking sleep. Not that I'm not tired, I close my eyes and it feels like every other part of me is asleep my legs and arms weary, and my eyes heavy. But my mind just won't stop, and it's not even thinking of anything in particular, sometimes it's random things, and sometimes it's the same thing repeatedly all night (I found a solution which I call resetting, more on that later).
Oh right since this blog is mostly about her, I feel updates are in order. So on my friends birthday last weekend (or the one before that), one of my friends stole my phone and messaged Maddie that I had a crush on her (yay grade school assholery). To be fair he sent it to all the females on my contact list, I say females because I never know whether to say girls or women and I figure that it covers my bases, anyway this was good news because it gave me plausible deniability, if she said anything which she did.
"hey calvin,
so i don't know who had your phone last night or if what they said was true, but just so you know, i'm still dealing with a lot of shit with ******... and whether or not we end up staying together, i'm not in any state of mind to get involved with anyone else anytime soon, you know?
i really enjoy your company and our friendship, i hope it can stay the same!"
So that was pretty painful to read. It was nothing short of what I expected, but what I expected and what I hoped for were two soul crushingly different things. In a way I'm happy I can try to move on, I say try because I'm pretty obsessive. I also feel somewhat cheated, I kinda feel like if I had been the one to say it, to use my words, to express my feelings, out loud to someone else in person, so someone I care about, would have been... beneficial? I'm not sure it would change anything but the fact that I didn't means I still have this tiny tumor of doubt lodged in my self-conscious. *sigh* this probably means I have to go through and completely destroy our friendship, this has yet to be determined however. I still haven't hung out with her since, and I keep delaying asking her to hang out, I feel like it's pointless now.
(I know I don't need to start a new paragraph, but I'm trying to break up the wall of text and am too lazy to edit) and I'm not sure if I think it's pointless because I no longer have any semblance of hope, which in itself is terrible, which means I was only after a relationship, and the friendship meant nothing or very little, which means the memories probably aren't all they are cracked up to be. Or I keep putting off communicating with her because every time I think about her time disappears and my heart fees like its pumping mud through my veins.
So I guess I still have at least one more update on that whole mess.
SKIP THIS NEXT SECTION IT' DULL
I was thinking the other day when I bitching about connecting with people. Someone told me all I had to do was open up. Which apparently is the easiest thing in the world the way people go on about it. WHAT ARE THE STEPS INVOLVED IN THIS PROCESS? Do you just spew everything that you think or feel on to anyone who will listen? Do you confide your terrible secrets to strangers? Or maybe these are questions that need to be asked to you. I think to myself I could tell these people anything. What do you want to know motherfuckers, I hide nothing.
Which brings me to point #1. I am completely full of shit. You could ask me the weather outside (because either you're blind or my fat ass is blocking the window) and 999 times out of 1000 I'd lie. Not because I secretly get off on people blindly opening umbrellas for a sunny day, actually I don't know why. It's fun to me, I like making people believe things, I guess manipulating them, even the petty bullshit is funny to me.
Point #2.
I deflect so much, it's becoming my hobby. If I don't lie to you about the question asked, then I definitely deflected it, either to buy myself time to think up a lie or to shift the blame, or to distract you. Questions like "how are you?" trigger an immediate reflex response of "fine and yourself" just so I don't have to put effort into answering. So if you did ask me something personal I'd deploy one of the above tactics.
Point #3.
I've tried. When it comes to opening up, I usually end up thinking "I'm trying, is it not working?" Part of me wants to be able to meet new people and not have to wait forever to feel comfortable around them, and another part of me is unwilling to trust people. Which I guess has gotten better over time. I'm sick of writing this moving on.
YOU MAY CONTINUE READING NOW
A new hope:
So as I may or may not have stated I am currently using a dating site, and I saw someone really interesting, and I took the time to reorganize my profile so that it looked somewhat decent, and I took some more time an thought out a message and prayed for a response, and she did. She said she was off to work and would give a better response later. Two days ago. So I think that's a no go. It's also not what I'm talking about when I say a new hope.
I finally started to commit to trying to achieving my dream, I spent some money on some goalie gear, which is awesome because now when I play floor hockey I can die of heat! But actually it offers more protection and I figure if I buy a few pieces at a time then I can have it all ready in time for ice hockey to start. The only problem is that its bulky as shit, and it made me move at half speed and really clumsily and it felt like it weighed 20 pounds on each arm. I suppose it's something I'll get used to.
And if you read all of this, you need to go out and get a job, seriously. Also I want my money from Catherine.
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