"I miss you i'm not gonna crack I love you i'm not gonna crack"

It's depressing story time everyone, gather round!

So I was at my friends house last week, telling him about this girl I'd met (more on that later). Anyway we get talking and he says "Oh yea Brendyn told me that you had a chance with Maddie", at which point everything comes to a screeching halt as I spring to my feet screaming "WHEN? WHEN? WHEN?"
"I think he said it was just after she broke up with Jessie, but I don't know, we were both drunk at the time"


This is kinda devastating but I figure I can live with it. So I text Brendyn asking for details. I stare at my phone for a day and a half before receiving I'll tell you  at the party tonight.

So we get there and we end up having to go to the liquor store, so on the way he begins the story with:
"Oh right, dude you totally missed your shot with Maddie"
"No shit, I got that part, when did I miss it?"
"Like 3 years ago. When you guys were really close, she was soooo close to like being in love with you, but then you fucked it all up, I can't remember the details, but I think it was something you said, or did."
"What!?! Are you shitting me?!? Do you know anything else?"
"Just that it was right before she met Jessie"

Later that night,  I proceeded to drink a 26er of Sour Puss ( I know it's girly but it's delicious), and a 26er of Blue Curacao, and in case your wondering, yes I did throw up. I'm kinda proud that I made it to the last shot before it happened though.

So needless to say I've been feeling like shit. Brendyn said he'd see if he could find out what it was that fucked everything up. But that puts that note she left to me in my yearbook into better perspective. She did feel something. Part of me is happy that I wasn't insane, Part of me doesn't know what to feel. But so far I've been substituting with sadness. I really wish that I knew what it was that I did, and when it might have happened. I'm thinking about going through the MSN convos to see if there's a hint there.

So we're having breakfast on Friday together, seeing each other for the last time before she leaves. So I'm looking forward to that. Meanwhile I am working 12 hour shifts every day this week to make some extra money. The shifts suck balls, and I was supposed to meet up with a girl tonight and come back to my place but something came up, so the date I had been waiting for since last week, and that had been the only thing getting me through my shifts didn't happen.

So yea about this girl. Her name is Cayla and she is a train wreck. She has some serious issues ( I won't go into details, because I'm lazy). But she's hot, so shallow side wins again. But my logical side is giving my dick a run for it's money. I don't think I've been this torn ever. Anyway more on the first date when I'm in the mood to write more.

Now for emo shit:
"I've spent all this time searching for myself in angry lyrics. Trying to feel thoughts crafted by others. All these days screaming at the top of my lungs, just to hear a sound, all these years looking at violent pictures. Thinking violent thoughts trying to feel anything at all.To think that after all these years and all that searching and I didn't know the difference between love and hate."

"Go ahead break me, because every time I'll come back stronger. Every time just a little more calloused, just a little more numb, until I'm invincible. So what are you waiting for?"

"...And when we finally reached him, we all knew it was too late. He said nothing, just looked at us with that crooked smile, and clicked the detonator."