And There's Nothing Short of Dying, That's Half as Lonesome as the Sound of a Sunday Morning Coming Down

I am in a weird place.

I am lost?

Every day seems only to exists simply to precede the next. I look into the future and see nothing. I see myself busting my ass to pay everything off, to be free of debt, to then go to school for a few years, and then work the rest of my life away. I'm sure there is more to it than that, there has to be. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. There only a few things in life I want:

1. Happiness, and not in the sense of everything being complete more in the sense of being content and not having to be worry about everything.

2. Security, I don't want to be broke for my entire life.

3. Love, I want to find some one to love, and to love me for as long as possible.

4. Friendship, to have one or two people I will always know.

I cannot think of a career that will grant me 1 without sacrificing 2, or 2 without sacrificing 1. I will find something though I always do.

I love Chelsea, and every time I say it and every time I write it, it becomes a little bit more true. I don't know if this is my mind playing tricks on me, but I don't know if I can be with her much longer. I am stuck until at least march, Christmas is next month, her birthday after that, and then valentines day, I am thinking stick it out until March, and reevaluate my situation.

I constantly find myself ogling other girls, missing the thrill of "dating", although I remember how bad it was before, and part of me is afraid that I might be just as long alone. I almost lost hope before, I don't know if I can do it again, I think I have the confidence to at least enjoy myself this time instead of worrying about everything.

Hockey is progressing and I find myself faced with a decision, I think if I really push, and for once in my life put effort into something, that I might be able to accomplish something with it, I am looking into goalie training.

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2 AM thoughts:

The only difference between breaking through and breaking down is the willingness to stand up one more time.

You scream out into the emptiness, praying for any kind of response. A whisper, A nuance of a shadow across your consciousness, any indication that someone, something, somewhere, will acknowledge your existence. You are greeted by a great silence followed by a great darkness, a great peace.