Having read (and written) a few rants I've noticed that they always seem to start normal and coherent and eventually digress into incoherent lamp pineapple napalm.

1:05 AM 11/26/2013:



Hello darkness,

What follows is the rant that can only be brought on by an all day marathon of The Community:

Have you ever had dream that made you question your route in life? Better yet if you've seen the movie Inception you might understand where I am coming from. At the end of the movie, The Mark is supposed to just up an disolve a multi-billion dollar industry built by his dead father based on a dream he had in an airplane. Crazy right? Well I could almost buy it after the dream I had this morning. It was about her. I've been thinking of her a lot lately. In this dream I can only remember a few specifics when I woke up. I remembered that the dream had been years long. I had spent what seemed like literal years in this reality. When I woke up my first thought was "please let just some of what I just experienced have been real" I remember an immense sadness when I realized it was a dream. Again nothing specific, and I am glad. I get the impression I had built some sort of life with her in this reality world. I had lingering feeling for a few hours after. That kind of feeling you get when you meet someone in a dream who isn't real but you somehow fell in love with anyway. That feeling of a finger in a wound you forgot was there. This was enhanced by the fact that it was her. I mean it wasn't just some faceless figure, it was her. She is real. What I dreamt could be at some point happen. It won't but it isn't impossible. If I hadn't been thinking about her a lot recently, I am now.

I don't know if I can describe love. Sometimes I feel like I can describe what it's not. I have been seriously considering breaking up with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half now. Which while typing that out a little red flag popped up. I sometimes I can't tell if I love her or not. I mean there's nothing wrong with her, but she's not the one. I think I love her in a way, she is a larger part of my life. But that feeling I woke up with reminded me what love should feel like. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

One of the reasons I've stuck around this time is, that she is my first real girlfriend. We've been through so much together. I do care for her. Furthermore at this pace we will be moving in together soon, which can not happen. We basically live together now, and there are no issues, which could mean marriage in a few years. So I've been struggling with throwing away marriage material. But just because it's not broken does it mean it's right?  furthermore I am stuck at her house until such a time that I get a full time job meanwhile I work part time with her grandfather, so that would make an awkward situation and if/when we break up when I move home, I don't want them to think I was just using them. However I can't leave her now because I still need a forward operating base to job hunt.

Furthermore how far do I go for happiness? I mean I want to have kids before I am 30. That gives me 9 years. I want to be married for a year, dating for two before hand, so Ideally I would have to meet my future wife in the 5 years to have kids at 29. Do I choose my partner like I chose my career? Is hapiness more important than progress. Is there a point at which I should settle? Should I just be really selective while dating? Just pick them apart to mke sure they are perfect? Or will I look past their flaws subconciously and realize later my mistake?

I've been feeling disheartened on my dream job recently. I finally played a few pick up games of ice hockey for the first time in months. My first skate went ok, but I felt like my skating was off a bit, the next two games were a lot worse. I couldn't stop hardly anything. I feel like if I can't even skate the basics how am I supposed to teach anybody anything. I also need to get a job before I can even get any of this off of the ground. Hopefully I hear back soon. I need to get this done. I just don't know the words to say yet. I am not looking forward to this. Are we going to be able to be friends later? or are we going to fade away quickly.

I really miss HER. I think. Evidence for this theory stems from me reading old MSN conversations from 7 years ago. Jesus, has it been that long? For 7 years I have been obsessing over this girl. I am cringing so hard reading the things I wrote seven years ago that I can feel ulcers growing in me. I just remembered how she kept kicking my ass at reversi. If there ever were a motivating reason to invent a time machine, this MSN conversation is it. I was going to get some sleep but I am too pissed off at my past self. I was SUCH A DICK. It's like I was trying to throw it away. GAHHHH!

I actually found something I wrote, and I really like it, it's from seven years ago. 

Do you think of me, like I dream of you? Is my time wasted on nothing but a picture? What could be isn't, and what I know is that when this is over, one of us is going to be hurt and I think I know who it is, if you're not worth dying for then what is? In a year you'll be nothing more than a faded memory, a painful reminder of why I keep to myself, and why I promise myself it won't happen again, but I doubt it won't.

It's almost like I predicted the future with that one.









Monuments to a broken past.
I like that line.

Fuck. She did like me. I'm not crazy. Evidence given: use of "xo" at the end of later MSN convos, also her responses. Or I am batshit insane. Which is entirely possible considering it took two hours to write this. I finally found the conversation I am looking for. I was looking to see if her answer was a no or a not right now. I think it lies somewhere in the middle. "Damn, this is hard to say, don't get me wrong, I do like you, but a relationship isn't what I want out of life right now". I guess I could have waited it out. I don't know anymore.

Something else I wrote: 
one more time, then I'm done, I swear. I always say that this is the last time, but I know it's not true, can't make it stop, one more hit, one more scar, one more broken heart.


So much angst.

Here I am reading 7 year old opinions as if they have even a little bit of relevance almost a decade later. I find it strange that one conversation can have so much effect on my life. I am also beyond happy that I kept this information and conversations for so long. It's nice have a documented history to rely on, to slow the decent of madness. I know somethings are missing, I might be able to track some of it down. Don't know if I will bother though.