I want to live like common people

Nov 25 2011, 12:15 AM

So here we are again. I am free now. I don’t know if that means to me what it might mean to you. I am free now, and I don’t know what to do. I quit school, because… well because I don’t want to go. I don’t know when or if I’ll go back. That’s all on that for right now. I think I want to have a few adventures first. I want to just drop everything and leave, just drive as far as I can to nowhere in particular, just because I can. I want to get a tattoo. I don’t know what I want; I just want one to say I did it. I’m drawn to the line from Fight Club (the book): “I don’t want to die without any scars”.

There’s a girl coming over on Sunday. She came over on Tuesday already. I think we were flirting? I really just want to hold someone. To have another warm body near my own for a while. We used to flirt a few years back, but I wasn’t interested at the time and when I did become interested she was already taken. She’s single now. She kind of invited herself over for Tuesday. “I should come and visit” is what she said. When she was here, she sat next to me, and kind of shuffled closer and closer, and at once point zipped open her shirt a bit. I very much wanted to put my arm around her. The best I could manage was to brush her arm “accidentally” every now and again. We talked after she left on msn and she said we should drink on Sunday night to Monday, meaning she’s spending the night, which I took as a hint. Is that a hint? So she’s invited herself over twice, this time for an overnight visit.  That’s a sign right? Not just wishful thinking? I think I like her. A lot. She’s nice. Pretty. Normal. I can’t emphasize that last one enough. I am going to make a move on Sunday. I will at least put my arm around her. I will claw my way out of my shell and for once in my life, and try. This can mean something, this can be the day that everything changes, this can be the day I fix everything, or really, this can be the same day it’s always been.

There are a few other girls too. One that I met on that dating site, we’re supposed to meet soon, however my phone is out of money for the time being, so I guess that will have to wait. There’s another one at work, who apparently wants to do me. I’ve taken this knowledge and set in motion a plan to fuck with her mind and the person that told me. Just because. The final girl shows up at hockey every now and again usually about 3 times a week. She’s kinda cute. I might ask her to coffee but for now I’ll focus on Natalie (Sunday girl) until that falls through. 

Hockey is going well. Some days anyway. Some days I feel unstoppable, others I feel like I couldn’t stop a beach ball. But I suppose it’s all a part of the learning process. I am getting in better shape and losing weight, I am trying to play 5 days a week. I am planning on using my tax return money ($1400) to buy new custom tailored leg pads. 35”+3” and a custom graphic.

So that’s what’s new. I am free and I don’t know what to do. I am free, and I am afraid.