I want to live like common people

Nov 25 2011, 12:15 AM

So here we are again. I am free now. I don’t know if that means to me what it might mean to you. I am free now, and I don’t know what to do. I quit school, because… well because I don’t want to go. I don’t know when or if I’ll go back. That’s all on that for right now. I think I want to have a few adventures first. I want to just drop everything and leave, just drive as far as I can to nowhere in particular, just because I can. I want to get a tattoo. I don’t know what I want; I just want one to say I did it. I’m drawn to the line from Fight Club (the book): “I don’t want to die without any scars”.

There’s a girl coming over on Sunday. She came over on Tuesday already. I think we were flirting? I really just want to hold someone. To have another warm body near my own for a while. We used to flirt a few years back, but I wasn’t interested at the time and when I did become interested she was already taken. She’s single now. She kind of invited herself over for Tuesday. “I should come and visit” is what she said. When she was here, she sat next to me, and kind of shuffled closer and closer, and at once point zipped open her shirt a bit. I very much wanted to put my arm around her. The best I could manage was to brush her arm “accidentally” every now and again. We talked after she left on msn and she said we should drink on Sunday night to Monday, meaning she’s spending the night, which I took as a hint. Is that a hint? So she’s invited herself over twice, this time for an overnight visit.  That’s a sign right? Not just wishful thinking? I think I like her. A lot. She’s nice. Pretty. Normal. I can’t emphasize that last one enough. I am going to make a move on Sunday. I will at least put my arm around her. I will claw my way out of my shell and for once in my life, and try. This can mean something, this can be the day that everything changes, this can be the day I fix everything, or really, this can be the same day it’s always been.

There are a few other girls too. One that I met on that dating site, we’re supposed to meet soon, however my phone is out of money for the time being, so I guess that will have to wait. There’s another one at work, who apparently wants to do me. I’ve taken this knowledge and set in motion a plan to fuck with her mind and the person that told me. Just because. The final girl shows up at hockey every now and again usually about 3 times a week. She’s kinda cute. I might ask her to coffee but for now I’ll focus on Natalie (Sunday girl) until that falls through. 

Hockey is going well. Some days anyway. Some days I feel unstoppable, others I feel like I couldn’t stop a beach ball. But I suppose it’s all a part of the learning process. I am getting in better shape and losing weight, I am trying to play 5 days a week. I am planning on using my tax return money ($1400) to buy new custom tailored leg pads. 35”+3” and a custom graphic.

So that’s what’s new. I am free and I don’t know what to do. I am free, and I am afraid.

"I promise you, things look much better awake than they do asleep"

So it's been awhile, I felt like writing. I don't know what, but something.


I can't express how awesome living on my own is. I had a panic attack today, I can't remember the last time I had one that bad during the day (the day being any time when I'm not trying to sleep). My point being it's nice to know that had I been breaking down, I had someone to talk to right then and there. Whereas it always used to happen at home, when no one was around, I had no choice but to suffer and pray that I'd sleep eventually.

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. Oh also I dropped out of college, and by drop out I mean, I stopped going, and am going to use the bus pass as long as they will let me. Anyway about life. I don't know. I feel like my window of opportunity for a normal life is slipping just a bit. Like if I wait to long to go back to college, I'll be that creepy old dude going back to college. Also I just got distracted by LMFAO videos for about an hour between sentences. I guess I'm feeling better. Will post more tomorrow or you know, whenever.

"...And You're Lookin at me Like I'm Something You Own"

Gather around everyone It's happy story time! So in the time since my last post a few things have happened.
1. Maddy left. So no more of that shit at least until Christmas break.
2. I started College.
3. I moved into an apartment with Marcel.
4. I bought the rest of my goalie gear and have been playing a few times a week.
5. I stopped seeing Cayla.

1. So yea breakfast was good, not a whole lot happened. We had a nice walk followed by a normal see ya later, even though we won't see each other for a few months.

2. College is good, I have been skipping a little more than I should but I'm also working 30 hours a week. so get off my back. I also havent failed any tests.

3. The apartment is awesome... now. When we first moved in there was no hot water and my light didn't turn off unless you pulled the fuse (which also controls the living room), I was immediately reminded of Paper Street from Fight Club. The windows were painted shut and the bathroom door didn't close. Also we didn't have internet or TV for the first week. Now all of that is fixed except for the bathroom door. There are still boxes everywhere. Our fridge is filled with frozen pizza and booze. This place is home.

4. So I went and bought my equipment. I love it! I started playing pick up hockey early September. I recently was called to play for a team. An actual team, with an actual referee and an actual scoreboard where the count the actual points! I explained that I hadn't played a competitive game ever, the guy said he didn't care I was the only goalie willing to drive that far to play. I played and lost my game 4-1 which I consider pretty good for never having played competitively. After my game I was asked to play for another teams goalie who wasn't there. I won the second game 10-3, the team I was playing for was awesome. I really hope I get called up again it was the most fun ever.

5. In the end my dick put up a pretty good fight but just couldn't compete with the phrase: "It's ok, I've never had anything that wasn't curable", in case you're wondering yes she was talking about STD's.

"I miss you i'm not gonna crack I love you i'm not gonna crack"

It's depressing story time everyone, gather round!

So I was at my friends house last week, telling him about this girl I'd met (more on that later). Anyway we get talking and he says "Oh yea Brendyn told me that you had a chance with Maddie", at which point everything comes to a screeching halt as I spring to my feet screaming "WHEN? WHEN? WHEN?"
"I think he said it was just after she broke up with Jessie, but I don't know, we were both drunk at the time"


This is kinda devastating but I figure I can live with it. So I text Brendyn asking for details. I stare at my phone for a day and a half before receiving I'll tell you  at the party tonight.

So we get there and we end up having to go to the liquor store, so on the way he begins the story with:
"Oh right, dude you totally missed your shot with Maddie"
"No shit, I got that part, when did I miss it?"
"Like 3 years ago. When you guys were really close, she was soooo close to like being in love with you, but then you fucked it all up, I can't remember the details, but I think it was something you said, or did."
"What!?! Are you shitting me?!? Do you know anything else?"
"Just that it was right before she met Jessie"

Later that night,  I proceeded to drink a 26er of Sour Puss ( I know it's girly but it's delicious), and a 26er of Blue Curacao, and in case your wondering, yes I did throw up. I'm kinda proud that I made it to the last shot before it happened though.

So needless to say I've been feeling like shit. Brendyn said he'd see if he could find out what it was that fucked everything up. But that puts that note she left to me in my yearbook into better perspective. She did feel something. Part of me is happy that I wasn't insane, Part of me doesn't know what to feel. But so far I've been substituting with sadness. I really wish that I knew what it was that I did, and when it might have happened. I'm thinking about going through the MSN convos to see if there's a hint there.

So we're having breakfast on Friday together, seeing each other for the last time before she leaves. So I'm looking forward to that. Meanwhile I am working 12 hour shifts every day this week to make some extra money. The shifts suck balls, and I was supposed to meet up with a girl tonight and come back to my place but something came up, so the date I had been waiting for since last week, and that had been the only thing getting me through my shifts didn't happen.

So yea about this girl. Her name is Cayla and she is a train wreck. She has some serious issues ( I won't go into details, because I'm lazy). But she's hot, so shallow side wins again. But my logical side is giving my dick a run for it's money. I don't think I've been this torn ever. Anyway more on the first date when I'm in the mood to write more.

Now for emo shit:
"I've spent all this time searching for myself in angry lyrics. Trying to feel thoughts crafted by others. All these days screaming at the top of my lungs, just to hear a sound, all these years looking at violent pictures. Thinking violent thoughts trying to feel anything at all.To think that after all these years and all that searching and I didn't know the difference between love and hate."

"Go ahead break me, because every time I'll come back stronger. Every time just a little more calloused, just a little more numb, until I'm invincible. So what are you waiting for?"

"...And when we finally reached him, we all knew it was too late. He said nothing, just looked at us with that crooked smile, and clicked the detonator."

"Oh Look a Lesson In Not Being A Narcissist From Mister I'm My Own 1500th View"

One step back, turns out the helmet is a piece of shit. So I still need everything from my last post, and a helmet. But I am running three times a week now, and I haven't thrown up yet! But seriously it makes me want to die, but I figure it will help me in the future. I am doing stretches whenever I remember to, and I keep watching greatest saves videos, it's honestly all I think about anymore, and the lack of floor hockey as an outlet for this, has led to me obsessing over playing. I can't wait to get on the ice and start learning.

Oh yea also college and moving out is soon. Should probably get on that soon. Oh and girls. Fuck girls I don't know and have no way of ever seeing again, need to stop being so damn hot. My life is becoming a you love you lose competition and I always lose. But in college there will be bitches, so sayeth the prophet Soon.

"If you were me, could you defend The given rights to all the men?"

So I've decided I should stop doubting the future and just go with it. Luck is clearly on my side. I was driving in the middle of Bum-Fuck Nowhere (Capitalized because it's a proper noun) with Marcel, when I noticed a pair of goalie pads on the side of the road. Which prompted me to shout HOLY SHIT, and pull over immediately. We got out and moved closer and found not only pads, but senior level gloves, pants, a helmet and a blocker, all of which fit me bullshit perfectly, and here's the kicker. The whole lot only cost $30. I just bought what brand new would be close to $1200, and what was probably now worth about $500 for less than a tank of gas. All I need now is Skates, and a few small items.

I still need:
Skates
Neck Guard
Under Armor
Jersey
Bag

At this rate I'll be in the NHL next year.

Resoursefulness: "Not Just For Breakfast Anymore"

If I ever have a kid (or ten), If I can ever impart any wisdom to them, I'd want it to be resourcefulness. I'd rather them live in a world of "We can totally do that", not "We're so fucked". I see it too often in the world now. So many people saying I can't, and not enough looking around for something to aid them in their task.

Who are you?
Are you the movies you like? The music you listen to? The books you read?
Are you the town you live in? Are you the websites you visit? Are you the niche you categorize yourself in? What makes you, you? Is it the way we talk or the way we dress? People rarely ask simply "Who are you?". They instead ask you the questions I outlined above, like some how they'll be able to piece together who you are just by the things you like. But really how can you answer this question? Do you simply state your name? Your job title? Do you state qualities or values about yourself? Why is this three syllable question so hard to pin down? I'd probably because very few people know who they are.

Good question:
I think I'm going to live in the dark about the whole m.s. it will give me that much less to have bouncing around inside my head. Ignorance is bliss.

Money situation might be fixed until next paycheck, I just worked this weekend for my dad, so hopefully I'll get a tank of gas out of it. Also according to some advice I received looks like I should forget about Jessica ....done, and hopefully this week I get to see Maddie.