I've been hoping for months, hoping for years, hoping I might forget. Aw, but it don't get much dumber, it don't get much dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her.

It's been awhile. So I've more or less decided I need to end my current relationship. I've been flip flopping for awhile now. Like changing my mind every other second. For almost a whole year. I talked it out with a close friend, which was surprisingly helpful. He asked:

"What are your reasons for staying with her?"
I replied sheepishly:
"Uhhhh... boobs and snuggles and stuff"

He made a good point. I love Chelsea. I do. However I believe I am unhappy. Or at least unhappy enough to seriously consider this.

I went to a strip club recently, hadn't had sex in about a month or so. I got my first lap dance, and the realization that I haven't nearly the amount of confidence I thought I had. I am still that same shy, awkward guy I was almost two years ago. When we walked into the strip club and sat down a stripper sat down next to me and casually grazed my crotch. Thank god the lights weren't brighter, I could feel myself blushing. Granted this isn't your everyday situation (pretty girl grazing your junk), but I felt the awkwardness again. I also (during the lap dance) realized a bit of what I was missing. I didn't realize how attracted I could be to someone. Part of it was probably the month without sex before I got there, but all I could do was picture myself sleeping with the scantly clad woman standing in front of me. Had I the money I was offered a $100 blowjob, I declined. Not out of morality mind you, but because I had only $40. It bothered me that I would be willing to cheat so readily.

This brought about a revisit to my questioning of my current circumstances. Again I love my girlfriend, and I would do everything make sure her feelings were never hurt, but I need out. I find myself not as attracted to her as I used to be, she has gained weight (I know I am no model, but I have noticed), she acts childish at times, moody others. She never seems interested in sex, and often she will sleep satisfied, whilst I go without. Which doesn't bother me too much. However if I can write this paragraph about all the things I am upset about, and only come up with boobs, cuddles, and stuff as reasons to stay together, I think it's time.

Problems arise from this decision. I am practically living at her house at the moment. I also work for her grandfather, it's also getting close to Christmas. Basically I need to pay off my debts before I can leave her. To do this I need to get my security license and get some full time hours going. If I can get a steady job, then I can truly move home, and save some money and get everything squared away.

I also have no idea how I am going to tell her. I have never dreaded a conversation this much in my life. She probably thinks everything is fine. Furthermore I thing I am going to be screwed for awhile in terms of dating, I've got no way to meet someone new, and recently got a reminder of how much online dating sucks.

Good news time:

I am getting in shape however. I deliver newspapers Friday, Saturday, I play dodge-ball Wednesday, Floor hockey Saturday, Sunday X2, I play Broom-ball Sunday nights, and soon will be playing Soccer on Sundays as well. So I am feeling pretty good right now.

I've figured out what I want to do with my life, I want to run a Goalie school/camp or be a Goalie coach. I have gotten a pretty decent start with interning at a camp this past summer, and am looking into running some small camps this winter. Words cannot describe how happy I am and how good it feels to work towards a goal.

Depressing news time:

All this pondering over breaking up has got me thinking about the past, furthermore the song lyric in my title phrases it perfectly; "it don't get much dumber than trying to forget a girl when you love her.". I have been thinking about Maddie recently, and I remember back to the MSN conversation we had where she said no. Or as I recently have come to realize may have been a "not right now" instead of a straight up "no". I will have to review the saved conversations if they are still there. For something I have reviewed a million times over, I will be pretty pissed if it's the case. Maybe if I had waited, or done something differently? This is all ancient history anyways, the girl I fell in love with is gone, replaced by someone else. Maybe someone better, I'm not sure I want to find out. As she is not the same girl, I am not the same guy. I can't change anything in the past, nor can I attempt anything now, but I sure as hell can't forget.

Wish me luck Darkness.

"... And that I see a darkness, and did you know how much I love you? is a hope that somehow you can save me from this darkness"

Hello darkness. Today's topic: Death.

Oh how things can change so drastically in such a short time. I read these posts and the thoughts inside them seem almost foreign to me. Things I cannot believe I have put to paper. However this is why I started this blog. Years from now I can look back and read some of my thought processes and see how things really were.

So here's a quick rundown of what I have neglected to write about in the last almost entire year. I joined a rec hockey league. Got better at hockey. I quit my job. I went on welfare. I spent a wonderful 6 months enjoying the shit out of life. Even if it was just lazing around the apartment. Planned to move to Ottawa to work for my dad. I helped a childhood friend and he moved in with us. Marcel moved out. I realized that sometimes the past needs to stay in the past. Took up ultimate Frisbee. Decided I wanted to get into goalie coaching/open my own goalie school. I changed my mind about Ottawa and decided instead to move home to get my finances in order instead. I interned at one of the best goalie schools in North America. Didn't do much, but learned a lot there. I am happily in love with my girlfriend Chelsea. I have doubts, and concerns, and fears, but I know this is normal. I feel I have matured and grown this year, I know there is still room for improvement.

Now on with the show.

Chelsea's grandmother died yesterday. Having lost my own grandfather last year I knew how she felt. It's been difficult. To be honest I am thankful it's over. Things have been hectic recently and not worrying about her suffering is a bit relaxing as terrible as it sounds.

It was strange, I watched someone I care about so much, suffer to the point of hysterics, I tried my best to sound empathetic. She's still upset which is understandable, however I almost feel impatient that she hasn't moved on yet, I thought it was just me being strange as I got over my grandfathers death pretty quickly, however her brother and mother seem to be ok now too. Maybe its a guy/adult thing? 

As much as I want to have children I can't imagine bringing a kid into the world. I almost wish we could tell them before their born, give them a choice and have them understand this: In this world there is great happiness, and wonders. You will run, laugh, play, and love. You will learn, grow, and experience things so amazing they can only be experienced to be believed. You will watch everyone you know grow old, get sick, suffer and die one by one, and each one will leave an emptiness inside you so deep that at first it seems unrepairable. In your life you will witness great marvels of technology and triumphs of man over obstacle. You will see poverty, despair and great tragedy, and there is not one single thing you can do to change any of it. Do you really want this?

Some man recently committed suicide and put up a website outlining his ideas and reasoning, and I thought that was really interesting I have it bookmarked I plan to read it soon. I think I might leave this blog up and give the link to my children when I pass.
See you whenever.

My Ship Is Sinking, But It's All Good I Can Go Down

I had a conversation recently, in which I was criticized (probably rightly so) for how I live. I was told that I need to start taking the future more seriously, that I need to get my head on straight and to start making some important decisions. I was criticized for not listening to advice and for my all around demeanor.

I probably deserved that. At least they thought I did. What I don't think they understand is that I am taking the future seriously. If anything I think I am taking it more seriously than most. I couldn't explain it in person so I will try to explain it here.

 I do things that I like to do. I sleep in. I take days off work. I play hockey when I have no gas. I buy things I can't afford. I make decisions without thinking, I do all of these things because they add spontaneity to my life, they bring the unexpected, and that makes me happy.

 I'm afraid that in the future I won't be able to these things. I am afraid that I will be sucked into a profession that I hate for 35 years because I was forced to make a decision when I had no idea what I wanted to do. I am afraid that I am going have get up early every day so I don't get fired. I am afraid that I will have to work all day every day just to make ends meet. I am afraid that I won't have time for Hockey, that when I retire in 35 years I won't be able to play. Afraid that I will spend my early 20's miserable in school, my mid 20's stuck in a crappy job still paying for school, my late 20's in debt to the bank for mortgage I can't afford, and then my 30's to my mid 60's waiting to retire, meanwhile all of my strength is slowly drained from my body, the whole world passes me by unexplored. I will work so hard for my freedom that I will have just as money to live off of as I do now and I will be too old and decrepit to do any of the things I want to do.

So here I am just trying to enjoy as much of my life as I can and I have almost everyone around me down my throat to pick a course and career to spend the rest of my life on. I have to decide who I want to be when I hardly even know who I am. I've been an adult for less than a full year (I'm going to count adulthood as 20) can I not have a few years to myself to decide. My family nearly shit themselves when I waited a year, and again when I dropped out of my first course ( I don't blame em for that one), and probably will again when I tell them I'm waiting another year. I think if anything we should have a mandatory 1 year period with no school. What's the rush? School isn't going anywhere, plus it gives students time to save up tuition.

Maybe I am crazy, and maybe I do ignore advice. I see no reason to stop now. No one seems to get my argument, I'm left wondering, does anyone else just want to live and make their own decisions without being harassed? More than anything I just want them to realize that the more they ask the less I want to do anything about it. Trust me it will get done. Just leave me alone and I'll do it.

I'm going to plan an adventure... better yet, screw the plans.

Tbc

And There's Nothing Short of Dying, That's Half as Lonesome as the Sound of a Sunday Morning Coming Down

I am in a weird place.

I am lost?

Every day seems only to exists simply to precede the next. I look into the future and see nothing. I see myself busting my ass to pay everything off, to be free of debt, to then go to school for a few years, and then work the rest of my life away. I'm sure there is more to it than that, there has to be. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. There only a few things in life I want:

1. Happiness, and not in the sense of everything being complete more in the sense of being content and not having to be worry about everything.

2. Security, I don't want to be broke for my entire life.

3. Love, I want to find some one to love, and to love me for as long as possible.

4. Friendship, to have one or two people I will always know.

I cannot think of a career that will grant me 1 without sacrificing 2, or 2 without sacrificing 1. I will find something though I always do.

I love Chelsea, and every time I say it and every time I write it, it becomes a little bit more true. I don't know if this is my mind playing tricks on me, but I don't know if I can be with her much longer. I am stuck until at least march, Christmas is next month, her birthday after that, and then valentines day, I am thinking stick it out until March, and reevaluate my situation.

I constantly find myself ogling other girls, missing the thrill of "dating", although I remember how bad it was before, and part of me is afraid that I might be just as long alone. I almost lost hope before, I don't know if I can do it again, I think I have the confidence to at least enjoy myself this time instead of worrying about everything.

Hockey is progressing and I find myself faced with a decision, I think if I really push, and for once in my life put effort into something, that I might be able to accomplish something with it, I am looking into goalie training.

______________
2 AM thoughts:

The only difference between breaking through and breaking down is the willingness to stand up one more time.

You scream out into the emptiness, praying for any kind of response. A whisper, A nuance of a shadow across your consciousness, any indication that someone, something, somewhere, will acknowledge your existence. You are greeted by a great silence followed by a great darkness, a great peace.

Fair Weather Friends

So I suppose an update is in order. I've decided to pull my head out of my ass long enough to explain myself. First of all, I made my choice and picked the girl from the movies. We've been dating for just over three months. All is well, or not, I'll explain in a second.

First of all an explanation as to why I am not worried about our current situation, even though we are on welfare, and I owe you $1000 and we're using the food bank, and I'm only working 27 hours a week. I know things look bad now, and I probably should be more worried than I am, but I have this thing, where I try not to worry about stuff I can't control, it works well and keeps stress minimized. Also everything always just seems to work out. I know this isn't a valid reason, but I still believe we'll be fine. We only have to make it to may 19th when I can ask for full time again, if they don't give it to me, then I will get another job.

Next, I think I want to break up with Chelsea. Before it gets too awkward, I just don't see this as a long term thing, and I don't think I really love her (pretty sure, that means I don't). But I'm also in a weird funk right now so I will give it some time. Anyway that's that. Oh also no longer a virgin... and I'm 20. Also still curious if my other follower still reads.

"My wallets too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

So an update I guess. So as for the cute girl in the last post things are going... ok? I had her over for dinner a few nights back and that was fun. Nothing happened. I was seriously going to try something, I was coming off of new years with all kinds of confidence but I got no signal. Nothing. No prolonged eye contact or shuffling closer, no sign that she liked me more than oh you're the other person in the apartment. So we talked. She seems awesome, and she came back for the aforementioned party that happened two nights ago. Again nothing. No response no real flirting so I figured that venture was a bust, she ended up leaving early with her friends and asked me to join them to a night club, and I seriously considered going until Marcel said something a long the lines of I will just be disappointed so I stayed. Later she texted Marcel and asked him if I was mad that she left. Until that point I figured she didn't care. This was fine and dandy because as it happens there was another cute girl at our apartment, who was flirting and did seem interested. Things were going ok it was just me, Marcel and, her. All of sudden I was taken back to that night, and in my head a silent war was being waged for the affections of this girl, it didn't last long, Marcel went to bed. We then moved to the same couch to watch a movie when, some of the people from the party came back. Fuck. So it took about an hour to get rid of them, but that's ok the guy who introduced me to the girl from new years made it clear that I was supposed to go with them, and that it was probably an opportunity missed. Double fuck. Anyway back to cute girl #2, I struggled at first to break the touch barrier. I have this embedded fear of human contact, like a small rejection might shatter me into bits, I was able to hilariously and awkwardly get my arm around her and we cuddled and watched shows all night. All the while praying Marcel would sleep in, just so I would have more alone time with her, apparently 6 hours isn't enough. I didn't kiss her. Triple fuck. So yet again I spend a night with a girl, stake no claim and leave everything to be decided until later.

So a break down of the situation I have a the girl from new years who's cute and awesome, and intelligent, and my age. But doesn't (or at least didn't) seem interested in me much, and I have the girl from two nights ago who, I've already broken the touch barrier with, has a better body, is probably more cute, less intelligent but not ignorant, and a virgin. That last point gives me hope. She seems not to have had much experience either, maybe someone as broken as me. Or at least close enough. She seems interested, we're going for a movie either  tomorrow or the next day and I have a date with the first girl on Wednesday or Thursday. This leaves me lost. I have two choices, not enough resources to get both, and if I lose one, I lose both. I have to pick one, but I am afraid to be left without a shot. Right now my plan is to go on date one, kiss her, and pray that all goes well. I feel much more comfortable with her and realistically place my odds of actually trying at around 65%. If that doesn't work then I have new years girl to rely on as back up, I place my odd there around 20% I don't feel the same comfort as I do with the other girl.

So first world problems I know, it's really hard not to see this as my last chance. But if I fuck this up then I will be lost for awhile. It also is great knowing that if I fuck up my friends are there to berate me "Oh you spent a night with a girl and didn't fuck her? YOU FUCKED UP HAHAHAHA!", it's like Christ just be happy that I made any progress, congratulate me and give me some space to operate without feeling pressured. This was supposed to be a short post.

New Years.

First of all happy new years! Anyway, had a good time last night, met a cute girl. Which is good I guess because it gives me someone to obsess over. I'm going to try a new approach of just acting normal. Being more confident, I did well the first night, I put my arm around her, which would have been a miracle a year ago. Anyway everyone is coming back for another party and I'm going to try to some more flirting with her.

I had a funny thought earlier today, I think I found out why I have an incessant need to say stupid things after prolonged positive exposure to girls. I compared it to making a big save in hockey but instead of freezing the puck, the play continues and the whole time all I can ever think is "HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT" and can't wait for the puck to freeze so I can bask in the glory. Whereas with women it happens when I see or touch boobs. Every time. I just need things to calm the fuck down for a second so I can process the awesomeness of the moment.

Hopefully she's coming over tomorrow. That is all.