Is this for real life or is this just fanta-sea?

So I finally went on that date. My first date in fact, that is not hindered or tainted by niggling doubts of where she might be in terms of rebound, or whether I was in the friend-zone. No this is my first date in 3 years and 4 months, and it was AWESOME.


I was somewhat nervous as to what she might be like, as we had met on a dating site, but actually she was really cute. She was tall too which I really like, I don't think I'd be comfortable making any kinda move if she was way shorter than me.


We first met at the theater (as we were going to see a movie), but not before I showed up broke as shit, I only had ten dollars on me, which as it turns out is about 1.50 less than it costs to go see a movie. So she paid for the tickets, and before anyone starts bitching yes I felt like a complete schmuck. She then offered in solace "The next one's on you" to which I replied "and the popcorn".

So we sat down, and watched the trailers together, and we chatted a bit, and she laughed at my stupid jokes which is good. She seemed to get my humor which is a huge plus. I had a great time, the movie was fucking hilarious.


After the movie, we went to Tim Horton's and grabbed a coffee (which I bought), we sat and talked for a few hours, we talked about family and what not, around 1:30 AM we drove to the local waterfront and took a walk, where she touched my arm (oh no, not on the first date) we got back around 2:45 and said our goodbyes. All in all I had a great time. I hope she did too, we've been talking since then and I havent gotten any negative replies so hopefully I'll get to see her again.



First Impressions:
Good:
Cute
Tall
Funny
Not a Smoker or Stoner
Has a Job
Dramatic but way better than Nikki,
Smart

Bad:
Kind of a Drunk, but could be all talk.
Not a consistent texter
This is the most biased list ever also, the good clearly out weighs the bad.

Overall: 8.5/10
It's different around her, I feel comfortable. I didn't flinch or feel awkward when she touched my arm, it just one of those things that you just know, and I have a good feeling about this. Everything's turning up Milhouse.

"I don't sleep.... ANYMORE, I don't eat.... ANYMORE, I don't feel.... ANYMORE"

So yea that one chick and I never really connected but I did find someone else quite personable and cute, and were going to go see a movie next week. So that's a plus and right now I'm at peace with the whole Maddie thing, so that's all I'm going to say about that right now.



I will however tangent on how I'm worried about this movie date. I have no experience with girls, and if she seems like a decent person there will be some issues in trying to step up for a relationship, and I'm not sure how up front I should be with the whole no experience, not good at connecting emotionally thing.


I just got back from floor hockey which is what I'm using to hone my goal-tending skills before I try out for a league in September. I am feeling much more confident about my skills/ reflexes, I'm  learning my angles and using them more now, I am purchasing new equipment as I can afford it. So I feel really good about working out and getting in shape and trying for a goal of mine. Today I feel like I nearly died of exhaustion, partly due to three layers I wear in midsummer, my t-shirt, my chest pad, and my jersey. Partially because its two hours straight of work out and we had lots of people today which meant we have enough to sub out players which means they were getting breaks and coming back refreshed when usually they burn out by the end, I stuck it out for as long as I could, I had trouble getting back up after saves, and then a hard time breathing, and I felt like puking, and then I decided to call it quits when I thought I was going to completely break down and die. So exercise is feeling good can't wait for next week.

Everytime Brain (composure regained +3 to everything)

Where was I? Oh yes that's right I can't fucking sleep. Not that I'm not tired, I close my eyes and it feels like every other part of me is asleep my legs and arms weary, and my eyes heavy. But my mind just won't stop, and it's not even thinking of anything in particular, sometimes it's random things, and sometimes it's the same thing repeatedly all night (I found a solution which I call resetting, more on that later).

Oh right since this blog is mostly about her, I feel updates are in order. So on my friends birthday last weekend (or the one before that), one of my friends stole my phone and messaged Maddie that I had a crush on her (yay grade school assholery). To be fair he sent it to all the females on my contact list, I say females because I never know whether to say girls or women and I figure that it covers my bases, anyway this was good news because it gave me plausible deniability, if she said anything which she did.

"hey calvin,
so i don't know who had your phone last night or if what they said was true, but just so you know, i'm still dealing with a lot of shit with ******... and whether or not we end up staying together, i'm not in any state of mind to get involved with anyone else anytime soon, you know?
i really enjoy your company and our friendship, i hope it can stay the same!"

So that was pretty painful to read. It was nothing short of what I expected, but what I expected and what I hoped for were two soul crushingly different things. In a way I'm happy I can try to move on, I say try because I'm pretty obsessive. I also feel somewhat cheated, I kinda feel like if I had been the one to say it, to use my words, to express my feelings, out loud to someone else in person, so someone I care about, would have been... beneficial? I'm not sure it would change anything but the fact that I didn't means I still have this tiny tumor of doubt lodged in my self-conscious. *sigh* this probably means I have to go through and completely destroy our friendship, this has yet to be determined however. I still haven't hung out with her since, and I keep delaying asking her to hang out, I feel like it's pointless now.

(I know I don't need to start a new paragraph, but I'm trying to break up the wall of text and am too lazy to edit) and I'm not sure if I think it's pointless because I no longer have any semblance of hope, which in itself is terrible, which means I was only after a relationship, and the friendship meant nothing or very little, which means the memories probably aren't all they are cracked up to be. Or I keep putting off communicating with her because every time I think about her time disappears and my heart fees like its pumping mud through my veins.

So I guess I still have at least one more update on that whole mess.

SKIP THIS NEXT SECTION IT' DULL

I was thinking the other day when I bitching about connecting with people. Someone told me all I had to do was open up. Which apparently is the easiest thing in the world the way people go on about it. WHAT ARE THE STEPS INVOLVED IN THIS PROCESS? Do you just spew everything that you think or feel on to anyone who will listen? Do you confide your terrible secrets to strangers? Or maybe these are questions that need to be asked to you. I think to myself I could tell these people anything. What do you want to know motherfuckers, I hide nothing.

Which brings me to point #1. I am completely full of shit. You could ask me the weather outside (because either you're blind or my fat ass is blocking the window) and 999 times out of 1000 I'd lie. Not because I secretly get off on people blindly opening umbrellas for a sunny day, actually I don't know why. It's fun to me, I like making people believe things, I guess manipulating them, even the petty bullshit is funny to me.

Point #2.
I deflect so much, it's becoming my hobby. If I don't lie to you about the question asked, then I definitely deflected it, either to buy myself time to think up a lie or to shift the blame, or to distract you. Questions like "how are you?" trigger an immediate reflex response of "fine and yourself" just so I don't have to put effort into answering. So if you did ask me something personal I'd deploy one of the above tactics.

Point #3.
I've tried. When it comes to opening up, I usually end up thinking "I'm trying, is it not working?" Part of me wants to be able to meet new people and not have to wait forever to feel comfortable around them, and another part of me is unwilling to trust people. Which I guess has gotten better over time. I'm sick of writing this moving on.

YOU MAY CONTINUE READING NOW

A new hope:

So as I may or may not have stated I am currently using a dating site, and I saw someone really interesting, and  I took the time to reorganize my profile so that it looked somewhat decent, and I took some more time an thought out a message and prayed for a response, and she did. She said she was off  to work and would  give a better response later. Two days ago. So I think that's a no go. It's also not what I'm talking about when I say a new hope.

I finally started to commit to trying to achieving my dream, I spent some money on some goalie gear,  which is awesome because now when I play floor hockey I can die of heat! But actually it offers more protection and I figure if I buy a few pieces at a time then I can have it all ready in time for ice hockey to start. The only problem is that its bulky as shit, and it made me move at half speed and really clumsily and it felt like it weighed 20 pounds on each arm. I suppose it's something I'll get used to.

And if you read all of this, you need to go out and get a job, seriously. Also I want my money from Catherine.

I'm not so sure I miss this

GAH what the fuck is this??? I can't think fucking straight at all. I remember now my motivation behind my little venture. I miss the peace. I'm half torn between just stick through it, It will get easier, and I've come so far, why stop now.

So my friend stole my phone and texted her last night, told her I liked her. Long story short my run is over, and I'm finding it hard to imagine a situation in which I'd enjoy spending time with her, and not feel like shit. Is maturity not abandoning a friend, when all you want to do is forget them?

Basically I feel like shit. Eloquent I'm sure, but really its the best description. It's been awhile since I felt like I was breaking down. Anyway I suppose this gives me closure. I can move on. Now how the fuck do I move on  and stay friends with her? To me moving on means forget them, cut off all contact with them.

So I guess I'll stick with it for now. There's more to her story  I'll post it later.

On a less soul crushing note, I'm learning/studying the Facial Action Coding System. Which for those of you who don't know, it's this system that teaches you how to read people's faces. Which at first seems really complicated, but once you start catching on, is really fucking cool. Basically its main function is catching people lying. I think I might invest into getting the program, and get really good at it.

So yea

My body says no, but I won't quit because I want more.

Good news everyone! (My now one (maybe still two) readers). So Monday sucked utter balls, I had a bad day at work and my mind was still filled with doubt from the Maddie thing. Tuesday wasn't looking much better when I checked my cell phone right before my shift started and saw that she had messaged me saying that she wanted to hang out Wednesday around 3. Now for those of you that don't know I work from 11:00 to 7:30 which of course meant I now had an excuse to take the day off. So that gave me three things to look forward to: Hanging out with Maddie, a day off of work, and then Floor Hockey to top it all off.

Wednesday in all seriousness might've been the best day of my life to date. I met up with Maddie at 3, and we chatted for a bit, and it was awesome. Any kind of awkwardness that had been there ceased to exist. It was a ridiculously nice day outside. We walked down to the waterfront and skipped stones, we were basically killing time until her shift that started at five. The only blemish being the single most awkward moment of my life.

We were walking down to the waterfront when I saw someone I knew from high school playing guitar on the sidewalk, which by itself wasn't bad, he's actually a pretty good singer. Only he had friends with him including Maddie's maybe boyfriend, I thought for half a second I was going to live the moment I had wrote about in "The End". But w only hovered until the end of the song and promptly left for the waterfront.

We talked about various things and eventually headed to her place of work, and sat outside on the stones waiting for her shift to start. When we arrived there was a crazy woman shouting obscenities at no one in particular, it was rather amusing. Once she left, we were chatting when Maddie said "I'm heart broken" she then proceeded to tell me that she was indeed single and that her boyfriend of two years had cheated on her. To which I was stunned and happy and so many other random thoughts and feelings all at once, I did my best to show concern and to try to relate and offer moral support, I'd have offered a hug but I was self conscious of being a bit sweaty as it was really hot outside. She then left for her shift and I walked back to my car all the while resisting the urge to skip away like a 5 year old girl.


So this is it. This is finally what you've been waiting for. Now what are you going to do about it? So I promptly went back to my friends house and explained to which we discussed future plans and etc. Now this is when part two of awesome day comes in, We then went to floor hockey at the church, only when we got there we found a note saying it had been cancelled, to which we promptly told the sign to go fuck itself as we arranged a road hockey game nearby instead and we played into the night. Only problem being Marcel fell and eventually we took him to the hospital to make sure that he didn't need stitches or anything.


Part three of the best day ever involved me and Steve dropping off Marcel at his house at 2 AM while driving back into our town witnessing one of the coolest thunderstorms I have ever seen, not mention we had a decent convo for the ride back. All in all a really good day.

Also fingerprinting is next week, and it looks like I might be going to catch a movie with Maddie that night as well. This is turning out to be an awesome week.

****
Do you ever put on headphones with no music on and pretend not to notice people just so you don't have to talk to them?

Random shit...

Cause fuck normal, structured blog posts! WHO WANTS READ RANDOM FUCKED UP SHIT!!! *chorus of sounds* but in all seriousness I get bored and write things down when i just wake up/when I'm tired so it might sound retarded but bear with me.







It would honestly be great:
There are times when I look into your eyes, and I want so badly, just for one second to understand your thoughts, your feelings, to know the exact words that will brighten your day. To know just for one second exactly what it is that you want me to do about your petty problems so you'll shut the fuck up and leave me alone. Seriously I'm trying to play my game.

The homeless tirade:
There are times when I'm sitting alone in public, watching them. Watching them talk to each other, walk together. I'll watch for hours, just trying to comprehend the thoughts behind your actions, the rules behind what you say. It's been so long since I've been a part of it all, every now and then a stranger will reach out and offer support but what you people don't seem to realize is, I don't want your help, in my world this is a zoo and I can go home any time I want and you are all stuck this way until you die.

Theory:
The real reason why I think some people go insane is because they try to be too many people. For every friend and family member they behave differently creating dozens of slightly different
persona's, not to mention the mix they become when confronted with two or more people that they know. Only able to be 100% themselves the few times that they are alone. After awhile they lose
themselves and go insane. It's either that Or LSD... yea actually it's probably just the acid.

Dream sequence:
She took my hand as we talked together into the insanity that had become our lives. (I'll work on it later).

Now back to your regularly scheduled events:
So not much has happened on the Maddie front, I asked her out two weekends in a row first weekend for drinking to which she said it was her moms birthday. Which normally I'd be oh ok that sounds reasonable, but I was talking to a coworker and she said that that was a common excuse that she gave to get out of things. So fine she's busy that weekend, but when I asked her out this weekend she said that she was going to visit her grandmother, which really at this point is beginning to sound like she doesn't want to hang out anymore. She said she might be free sometime during this week. The next step is going to be trying to get a hold of her friend to see if she's actually single, (hopefully not so then I can give up on this) and from there see about making a more obvious attempt. Anyway that's my week summary, I'll update whenever another update is deemed necessary.

A whole new (THE EXACT GODDAMN SAME) can of worms.

So if any of you have been reading any of my stuff then you know I've been bitching non stop about a girl named Maddy (which as I just found out yesterday is actually spelled Maddie).

You also know I wrote the supposed end to my bitching on that subject, well yea I guess there's more to it. So you can go ahead and just ignore some (all) of that story, and let me start over.

 So she came back sometime in April and we hung out a week or so ago for the first time since she left. All in all it was really fun, we walked for 2 and a half hours and had (I hope) a good time. Oh also before I forget I'm 95% sure she's single now, based on that she lives with her mom, and when she was talking about her social life, she failed to mention her (I'm assuming) ex.

So I was like this has to be to good to be true, so I looked up the guy on facebook and his relationship status is listed as single. So yea now I'm flipping shit because, I might actually have a goddamn chance. I've been pining over this girl for as long as I can remember and now she's single!

Bad news, Now that I have not just one thing but two things on the line I am feeling more awkward and less confident around her. I mean do I chance it and ask her out soon and risk the friendship? Is she even looking, do I wait until someone has beaten me to it?

After the walk she posted on my facebook wall, thanking me for the nice time. Which of course in my brain is now translated into "She totally wants me". She says stuff like that often though. So I have no idea.

We went bowling yesterday and had fun Marcel came along as well all in all it was a good day ( I won $225 at the casino). But yea basically my course of action is just to see where it goes, not to force anything just try to hang out more. Before she left I was feeling pretty good, and now I think I have some catching up to do to get to the same comfort zone. Anyway things are looking up (maybe).