Squishy McEmptythreat

Oct 18 2010 12:11 AM

My new “plan” is to text her Thursday to see if she’s free for a walk or lunch before she leaves. The plan stipulates that I should tell her then and there. My back up plan is supposed to be, to have a written version of what I want to say. I know I won’t muster up the courage to say it to her face. So I’ll give her an envelope and tell her not to open it until the next day. This is better. I will be able to say what I want to say without stuttering, panicking, or freaking out. I can word it perfectly. Then I will be able to walk away, hopefully forever. She is the last person I have unresolved feelings for. Hell she’s the last person I can even imagine I will care about in the near future. Here goes everything… and nothing.

Oct 18 2010 12:28 AM

The best part about remembering the past is that your brain chooses to forget most of the unpleasant bits. The parts you do remember can be corrected anyway. I think that’s where the phrase “the good old days” comes from. I am considering amending this to add more elements of what really happened from 2004-2010 but I’m not sure I want to ruin this already depressing story. Either way this entry will stay and I’ll amend this note to mention that I added more “past” entries.

            I find myself half believing that she would give up everything for me. I know this will not happen. Oddly enough my biggest fear is not expressing my feelings. But that she will think I am being creepy and completely discount them as the ravings of an insane person. I want to say this would make a good blog, just so I can get some feedback, and someone could say “you’re doing the right thing, its not creepy and you have limited options”

            At the very start of our getting back together there were only two people in the world I cared about. There was her, and there was Suicide Girl. Yes she has a real name but I don’t think I’ll put it here just yet. In a way they both represented the past. One reminded me of bliss and happiness, and the other of fear, and anxiety. I hope I don’t have to tell you which one is which.

Ill amend this whole thing later, but for the longest time I was obsessed with being emotionless. I still kind of liked the idea when we were becoming friends again and I realized, that having only two people you care about, means you only have to destroy two relationships to be alone. I quickly dealt with Suicide Girl, she was a good friend, but she brought back to many memories, bad memories. I really believed that if I told her I didn’t want to hear from her anymore, that I would be that much closer to the coldness I’d always wanted. I then believed that my friendship with the other one would go as follows:

We talk,

I fall in love again,

I get heartsick,

I ask her out, (again)

Get rejected,

Things get awkward,

We stop talking

From there I believed things would take their natural course. I would be free of the last person I care about. Hell I almost jumped the gun one night while drinking; I asked her out (whilst drunk). Luckily she was high (I think) and thought I was joking. Thankfully I didn’t correct her. Now that I know she is leaving in less than two weeks I can do this properly. If the 1 in 100,000 chance works out in my favor, then I can get to work on not being an emotional cripple. If not then I can close right up forever. It’s one of life’s few win, win situations.