Angst Angst Angst (comments enabled re-edit)

Oct 18 2010 10:16

            I hate losing things. I lost my I pod charger, and it had been here on my desk for the last week. Which is awesome cause I just got two new CDs that I wanted to add to my I pod. Yay for shelling out another $30 for a new charger.

            At least I still have money left over from pay day. I just paid off a $223 debt. Plus I shelled out $60 for a new backpack, which I have to return and exchange. This has been a good week already.

            You know, this was supposed to be a short story.  Actually it was kind of a poem at first, and a shitty “emo” poem at that. The line “when she smiled at me…” was the only decent poetic thing I have ever written. I figured this might make an ok short story. Then I started attaching dates onto paragraphs, now it’s some kind of journal. I am really considering adding other elements of my life to this.

            Like any depressing story, it all started with this girl. We met online one summer. Actually it was 5 years ago. This was during my I-must-help-everyone-who-has-an-emotional-problem phase. Shit probably should have mentioned that I had a very optimistic phase. Anyway, she was probably the farthest gone person I had ever tried to help. I knew a few people that were “cutting” I always tried to talk to them to help them with their issues. This was always a little bit stressful, as every secret told was often followed by, “if you tell anyone I’ll kill myself.” This stress was further increased by the fact that since we lived out of town, I had to catch my bus at 6:20, which means I had to be up at 5:30. This would not have been an issue in itself, but the people I was helping often needing help from 10:00 PM to 1:00 AM each night. The extra sleep had to come from somewhere. Unfortunately it was from my second period math class. So on top of everything else I had failing grades to add to my troubles.

            Back to the girl, she had been cutting for over a year before I met her. She lived in Ottawa so it’s not like she was close by, I only got to see her when she went on web cam. Unlike most people I knew she was cutting her legs so that her parents wouldn’t see the “new” scars on her wrists and would think that she was getting better. She had already been hospitalized a few times for suicide attempts.

            Some days were better than others, I would try to convince her to talk to her parents, and that cutting was not an appropriate way of dealing with stress. Of course there were days where she would call me in the middle of the night saying she was going to end it all right then and there. These calls were more frequent than I would have liked. This went on for months, and right around October of 2006 I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, anyone else that had issues that I had been helping was now “better” and not such an emotional drain. Still she continued until one day she called and I told her I couldn’t do it anymore she never tried to get better she just kept making the same mistakes. I told I didn’t want to hear from her anymore. In case you didn’t catch the before reference I now call her Suicide Girl.

            It seems so long ago. I can hardly imagine what it felt like. I know I felt like I had failed, I know I was devastated. I know I decided that a life style change was in order. I decided that I didn’t want to feel anymore, that I wanted to be the opposite of what I was. I even had a list.

I:

Am optimistic,

See the good in people,

Believe that the glass is really half full,

Am emotional,

Naïve, (ok that one’s retrospective)

Am a good person

I wondered if it would be possible to completely change the essence of who I was. I decided I would try.

I:

Believe if it can go wrong it will,

Hate people as a whole

Believe that no one fills a glass half way. It’s half empty,

Feel nothing,

Am Calm, Cool, and Collected,

Am a terrible person

It wasn’t just an emotional thing, I really wanted to become the worst person I could be. I didn’t really believe that it would work, that it would just be pretending to think and feel those things. Strangely enough it became easier. Everything just seemed to fall into place. Decisions were no longer clouded by feelings. I was free. That was when I met her.

            I had already changed social circles once that year, which thanks to the lifestyle change was quite easy. Luckily I met her group and had someone to hang out at lunch with. I don’t think it was until after I fucked things up with her that I really got into the whole not feeling things.

            I had rules. Some were cliché, some were lines from Fight Club (a catalyst in my metamorphosis), and some really should have been worded differently so they were rules not statements. I’m adding the entire list in the interest of keeping this as accurate as possible.

RULES TO LIVE BY:

#1.  There are no dependable people not even yourself.

#2.  Everyone is expendable.

#3.  Use every waking moment as a means to an end.

#4.  The things you own end up owning you.

#5.  Question everything.

#6.  Find and exploit weaknesses in others.

#7.  Ignorance is bliss.

#8.  Anything you do now won’t matter in 100 years

#9.  Just because millions of people say it, doesn't make it true.

#10. Live and let die.

#11. The simplest answer is almost always the best.

#12. Remember without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing.

#13. Hypothetical situations are almost never hypothetical.

#14. To ass-u-me makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

#15. There is no right or wrong only cause and effect.

#16. The glass is always half empty.

#17. There’s always a loop-hole

#18. It’s only once you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.

#19. Don’t sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

#20. Lie.

#22. Let go.

#23. Truth can be perceived, but it does not exist.

#24. Know what you want.

#25. You have no problems except the ones you force upon yourself.

#26. No good conversation ever started with "we need to talk".

#27. Cheat.

#28. Steal.

RULES FOR DATING (if you absolutely have to):

#1.  Always have a way out.

#2.  It’s not me it's you.

#3.  Think before you act!

#4.  Don’t rely on second hand information.

#5.  Let go.

#6.  Don’t ask, don't tell.

#7.  Have a constant reality check.

#8.  Make damn sure.

#9.  Never put it in writing.

            Ironically enough I broke six of my nine rules for dating, or in my case falling in love with a girl. Lesson learned (kinda). Looking back at this very moment… I don’t really regret much, I wish I had waited a little longer before asking her out, but other than that I am content with the decisions I’ve made. Hopefully this little rant has explained a bit of the motive behind what I have become.

Its funny, I can’t even imagine now what feelings are like, I get impressions sometimes, but mostly it all seems rather vague and unimportant, I am happy that it worked. Even though really, I suppose I feel happiness, it’s just any negative emotion that I have blocked out, or perhaps it is not happiness I feel. Either way I am content with the state of my emotions. 12 days.