New beginnings or different endings.

Oh wow. had I known, people were actually reading this I'd have been updating on a regular basis.
  
"I cringe whenever I hear someone say that they believe everything happens for a reason. I can't help but think how critically under prepared for situations they are. How relieving it must feel to not be to at fault for their actions. Or how stressful it might feel believing there's nothing you can do about it" - me 

Oct 19 2010 3:09 PM

            I’m still “sick”. This is my fourth day of missing school. I am supposed to call it in so that they know I’m not just skipping class. I figured it wouldn’t really matter but I received a phone call from my best friend today stating that they were starting to worry. Since I am a returning student there was a contract I had to sign before I could start this year. It basically stated that if I started skipping or being late or not handing in my assignments then they could kick me out. I really need to get my online course work done. I am Jack’s reputation.

Oct 19 2010 10:59 PM

            I was thinking today. Whenever I want advice, I seem to go to different people for different answers. Example, if I want a purely rational non judgmental solution I’ll go to Nick, whereas if I want my opinion but more objective I’ll go to Marcel, or if I want a more emotional response I’ll go to Kyle, or if I want a semi rational more cautious and shrewd approach I’ll go to Steven.

            I really have to start writing my letter to her. I know I have 11 days still, but I’d like to have it done and out of the way. Although then I’d actually have to wait until I see her for more developments on this topic. The waiting is making me stir crazy. Once this is over I don’t know what I’ll do. Will I stop writing this? Will I add the more interesting parts of my life to this? This is really supposed to be about her. Nick said “She’s the most compatible person you’ve met… so far.” As this whole thing progresses I’m not sure my feelings are entirely justified. Sure we connected 4 years ago, but we were just kids. That was roughly 1500 days ago. So much has happened, sure we’ve talked recently but we didn’t really scratch much below the surface. What if she’s different? Of course none of this matters because nothing is going to change. She’s still leaving. More importantly she’s still leaving with him. This should be a fun next couple of days. I think I’ll ask to set up the meeting tomorrow. I don’t mean to meet up tomorrow, but to set the date for which we will meet. Sleep is harder and harder to come by. 10 Days.

Oct 20 2010 6:12 AM

            I don’t really have much time before I have to catch my bus, I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night. Will be home Friday. 9 days.

Oct 21 2010

8 days.

Oct 22 2010 9:10 PM

            I lost my job today. I also set up a meeting with an old friend. So there’s some good and some bad. I’m meeting her next Tuesday after 9. I should probably get on that letter.

            It’s funny. My grandmother on my mother side picked me up after I found out I got fired, and she brought cookies for me to have. There is nothing more comforting than grandma’s cookies and some milk.

            As a kid, I distinctly remember telling my grandmother (on my dad’s side) that I didn’t love them as much as I loved my parents or my other grandparents. This was not to be mean, and I didn’t realize it would hurt her feelings. It was just something I said. In retrospect I think this explains why they were/are always “spoiling” me.

            The longer I go without successfully attaining an intimate relationship, the more convinced I am that I should just give up and live life alone. I never really got the important experience early on, so I feel like if I got a relationship now, then I wouldn’t know what to do. I suppose I fear being laughed at… or maybe I just really like failing. 8 days until she leaves, 4 days until I see her for the last time. Or 8 and 4 days left.