"I'm past the point of breaking and I'm Not sure if I'm a gonna make it I'll keep this gift from breaking as long as you believe."

I know I've used this title before but it fits now more than ever. I am king of putting my eggs all in one basket.

So I think I figured it out. The portal that will allow me to travel back and forth between what I am and what I was. Empathy. In order to connect to people you must empathize with them and their situations. Which isn't all that hard to do just  expose yourself to them and listen to them. Or to reverse this trend just stop paying attention, and become really really selfish. This isn't a step by step guide but it's a start in the process of understanding what happened.

I think I want to go back. I feel vulnerable, weak and open. Things I haven't felt in a long time. To live like this and be committed to the lifestyle you have to trust people, something I hate. On one hand it's nice to think you can count on people but they will always let you down eventually. Now I harbor no resentment towards Marcel because he did not intend to slight me, it's just something that happened. First the Natalie thing when I thought he was trying to make a move on her, that feeling I couldn't describe was betrayal. I felt betrayed by the only person I had trusted. The reason this messed with me so much was because I don't experience this often. Next he tells a friend of ours about the Natalie situation after I had asked him not to. Again he forgot, mistakes happen, but at the time it really irked me. But now I am forced to trust two people as I have requested the information not be repeated anywhere else but between the three of us. Not that I don't trust our friend, It's just that I don't trust anyone.

Having said that if I had to trust any one with anything it would be Marcel, and I don't think I can change that. I've had friends and even best friends stab me in the back before, but I trust Marcel. It took probably until just as late as this summer but I can't think of anyone I've trusted more ever.

So I guess I have some choices to make, because even if I know the process to switch back and forth, the process still took 2 years there and so far almost 4 back, and I still don't know if I'm missing anything. I certainly am encountering everything I hated about before, the only positive being the girl situation.

So on with another rant:
Natalie. I have no idea what I'm doing. I am still going to try to make a physical move. If I can get her here. The only chance I have is on home turf with an empty apartment. This way I can control the most elements of the situation. If I get my second chance and blow it, or if something else puts a permanent kibosh on it, I don't know if I can deal with that. Sure there are other girls, just it's been 3 and a half years since I met a normal one that I was able to do anything with. I don't think I can wait again. I can't live in a world where  missed a chance that blatant, I'd go back. If I had to pick one thing I missed it would have to be having nothing to lose. The peace in knowing you can't fuck up hardly at all.

Here goes nothing, and here goes everything.