"I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real"

Somewhere I belong. So things have changed. As they always do. I keep hoping I've made progress and thinking that nothing's changed. Well at least I was before I went back and read some of my original posts. Jesus are things different. So I guess I'm happy that I am a noticeably different person, on the other hand I've been wondering what if this was the easy part, what if the hard conversion is going back? Which I guess doesn't matter, because I'm happy. Right?

Anyway so like I said things have changed, with some time and distance I caught on to a blatantly obvious and devastating fact. I was explaining the Sunday story with a girl a work, looking for some advice, when at the very beginning of the story I stopped myself. It was right around and the "Ok which bed am I sleeping in?" part. When it dawned on me, not only did I 100% miss a sure thing (not that I wanted a one night stand for my first time), but she also had no preference to me over Marcel. Which hit me at that moment pretty hard. She came over to do one of us, she didn't care who, she just wanted to get laid. For some reason I felt insulted and at the same time retarded for not realizing this as a fact from the start. You only see what you want to see I guess.

So I guess that's my reason to give up. It kinda stings still as I really like(d?) Natalie. I have also half considered that while even at the time she had no preference, is it not possible any feelings might have developed from that night? But even if that is the case I am still bothered. I wasn't anything, I was just one of a possible two choices.

The girl from my work offered to take me out and get me laid, to which I replied "maybe". I have no idea what I want. I will again sit idle and wait.

Also had a short heart to heart with my roommate last night he apologized for cock blocking me. His reasoning that if I hadn't been bothered by him at first maybe I would've tried harder with Natalie. The apology was appreciated if unnecessary, I wouldn't have changed anything, I still would've hesitated.

So this I guess means I am less invested in Natalie, I still like her though so I guess that didn't really change, but I think I might change up my tactics from focused to scatter-shot, and just try to ask as many girls out as possible.