And There's Nothing Short of Dying, That's Half as Lonesome as the Sound of a Sunday Morning Coming Down

I am in a weird place.

I am lost?

Every day seems only to exists simply to precede the next. I look into the future and see nothing. I see myself busting my ass to pay everything off, to be free of debt, to then go to school for a few years, and then work the rest of my life away. I'm sure there is more to it than that, there has to be. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. There only a few things in life I want:

1. Happiness, and not in the sense of everything being complete more in the sense of being content and not having to be worry about everything.

2. Security, I don't want to be broke for my entire life.

3. Love, I want to find some one to love, and to love me for as long as possible.

4. Friendship, to have one or two people I will always know.

I cannot think of a career that will grant me 1 without sacrificing 2, or 2 without sacrificing 1. I will find something though I always do.

I love Chelsea, and every time I say it and every time I write it, it becomes a little bit more true. I don't know if this is my mind playing tricks on me, but I don't know if I can be with her much longer. I am stuck until at least march, Christmas is next month, her birthday after that, and then valentines day, I am thinking stick it out until March, and reevaluate my situation.

I constantly find myself ogling other girls, missing the thrill of "dating", although I remember how bad it was before, and part of me is afraid that I might be just as long alone. I almost lost hope before, I don't know if I can do it again, I think I have the confidence to at least enjoy myself this time instead of worrying about everything.

Hockey is progressing and I find myself faced with a decision, I think if I really push, and for once in my life put effort into something, that I might be able to accomplish something with it, I am looking into goalie training.

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2 AM thoughts:

The only difference between breaking through and breaking down is the willingness to stand up one more time.

You scream out into the emptiness, praying for any kind of response. A whisper, A nuance of a shadow across your consciousness, any indication that someone, something, somewhere, will acknowledge your existence. You are greeted by a great silence followed by a great darkness, a great peace.

Fair Weather Friends

So I suppose an update is in order. I've decided to pull my head out of my ass long enough to explain myself. First of all, I made my choice and picked the girl from the movies. We've been dating for just over three months. All is well, or not, I'll explain in a second.

First of all an explanation as to why I am not worried about our current situation, even though we are on welfare, and I owe you $1000 and we're using the food bank, and I'm only working 27 hours a week. I know things look bad now, and I probably should be more worried than I am, but I have this thing, where I try not to worry about stuff I can't control, it works well and keeps stress minimized. Also everything always just seems to work out. I know this isn't a valid reason, but I still believe we'll be fine. We only have to make it to may 19th when I can ask for full time again, if they don't give it to me, then I will get another job.

Next, I think I want to break up with Chelsea. Before it gets too awkward, I just don't see this as a long term thing, and I don't think I really love her (pretty sure, that means I don't). But I'm also in a weird funk right now so I will give it some time. Anyway that's that. Oh also no longer a virgin... and I'm 20. Also still curious if my other follower still reads.

"My wallets too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

So an update I guess. So as for the cute girl in the last post things are going... ok? I had her over for dinner a few nights back and that was fun. Nothing happened. I was seriously going to try something, I was coming off of new years with all kinds of confidence but I got no signal. Nothing. No prolonged eye contact or shuffling closer, no sign that she liked me more than oh you're the other person in the apartment. So we talked. She seems awesome, and she came back for the aforementioned party that happened two nights ago. Again nothing. No response no real flirting so I figured that venture was a bust, she ended up leaving early with her friends and asked me to join them to a night club, and I seriously considered going until Marcel said something a long the lines of I will just be disappointed so I stayed. Later she texted Marcel and asked him if I was mad that she left. Until that point I figured she didn't care. This was fine and dandy because as it happens there was another cute girl at our apartment, who was flirting and did seem interested. Things were going ok it was just me, Marcel and, her. All of sudden I was taken back to that night, and in my head a silent war was being waged for the affections of this girl, it didn't last long, Marcel went to bed. We then moved to the same couch to watch a movie when, some of the people from the party came back. Fuck. So it took about an hour to get rid of them, but that's ok the guy who introduced me to the girl from new years made it clear that I was supposed to go with them, and that it was probably an opportunity missed. Double fuck. Anyway back to cute girl #2, I struggled at first to break the touch barrier. I have this embedded fear of human contact, like a small rejection might shatter me into bits, I was able to hilariously and awkwardly get my arm around her and we cuddled and watched shows all night. All the while praying Marcel would sleep in, just so I would have more alone time with her, apparently 6 hours isn't enough. I didn't kiss her. Triple fuck. So yet again I spend a night with a girl, stake no claim and leave everything to be decided until later.

So a break down of the situation I have a the girl from new years who's cute and awesome, and intelligent, and my age. But doesn't (or at least didn't) seem interested in me much, and I have the girl from two nights ago who, I've already broken the touch barrier with, has a better body, is probably more cute, less intelligent but not ignorant, and a virgin. That last point gives me hope. She seems not to have had much experience either, maybe someone as broken as me. Or at least close enough. She seems interested, we're going for a movie either  tomorrow or the next day and I have a date with the first girl on Wednesday or Thursday. This leaves me lost. I have two choices, not enough resources to get both, and if I lose one, I lose both. I have to pick one, but I am afraid to be left without a shot. Right now my plan is to go on date one, kiss her, and pray that all goes well. I feel much more comfortable with her and realistically place my odds of actually trying at around 65%. If that doesn't work then I have new years girl to rely on as back up, I place my odd there around 20% I don't feel the same comfort as I do with the other girl.

So first world problems I know, it's really hard not to see this as my last chance. But if I fuck this up then I will be lost for awhile. It also is great knowing that if I fuck up my friends are there to berate me "Oh you spent a night with a girl and didn't fuck her? YOU FUCKED UP HAHAHAHA!", it's like Christ just be happy that I made any progress, congratulate me and give me some space to operate without feeling pressured. This was supposed to be a short post.

New Years.

First of all happy new years! Anyway, had a good time last night, met a cute girl. Which is good I guess because it gives me someone to obsess over. I'm going to try a new approach of just acting normal. Being more confident, I did well the first night, I put my arm around her, which would have been a miracle a year ago. Anyway everyone is coming back for another party and I'm going to try to some more flirting with her.

I had a funny thought earlier today, I think I found out why I have an incessant need to say stupid things after prolonged positive exposure to girls. I compared it to making a big save in hockey but instead of freezing the puck, the play continues and the whole time all I can ever think is "HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT" and can't wait for the puck to freeze so I can bask in the glory. Whereas with women it happens when I see or touch boobs. Every time. I just need things to calm the fuck down for a second so I can process the awesomeness of the moment.

Hopefully she's coming over tomorrow. That is all.

Don't go searching for answers. You will find what you're looking for... and nothing else

Girl updates I guess. So right now I have a few shots going at once, none of them really serious though. I have coffee with Tinaka coming up. This is pretty much a throw away, just working on escalation technique. Movie with Natalie, which is really nothing. I've been putting myself in the friend zone as much as possible, asking girl advice and answering her guy questions. I thought me and Marcel had somewhat of a truce on her, so I asked to see if he was ok with it first, he was. I don't expect or really want anything from this one. Next we have "The Return" i.e. Maddie coming over to the apartment. I don't know what to expect from this if anything, I will wait for an opportunity, probably nothing. Last but not least a chick from work, who I've had a thing for, sat on my lap today, I don't know if it means anything. I'll ask her to a meal or something.

It's weird after that one angry day everything seems so bland and unimportant. Like everything just lost a shade of coloring. Oh well, greener grass on the other side of the fence and all that jazz. The peace is better than the chaos. More updates to come.

"Is anybody home, has anybody wasted tears of loneliness, that Everyone becomes"

Hockey was good, I need to get back into shape though, the two weeks off made today hard. I'll play everyday next week. I'm disappointed though. I thought I'd be able to draw from that little well of hate and anger I had inside me for the last little while, but this is not the case. It's seems like it's gone, like none of it mattered at all, I couldn't make myself angry or really feel much of anything about the situation that happened. There was only peace. I forgot how calm life can be. I think I played a little better today because of it. I was able to stay focused on the game at hand. There was less panic too.

Looking forward to New Years. I'm not going to get drunk I don't think, but we'll see how I feel in the moment.

So Dig My Head Into The Ground, This Muscle Junkie Tied Me Down

I hadn't realized how much I had matured until just today. I am currently visiting my family about 3 hours away from my home. My dad has always basically shit on whatever I've done, or whatever I've planned to do, he's almost as passive aggressive as his parents. Anyway, as soon as I dropped school, he came up with a plan for me, wanting me to get out of my lease and go take a business course in Ottawa. I kinda just dodged the offer at first, and I figured this visit he would have a sit down with me. He has been prepping me for it since I arrived, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is the one person I would normally listen to when commanded, depending on the situation. In fact he's the only reason I went to KCVI and didn't go back to my old friends from grade school. Anyway this time I haven't felt that compulsion, I am not afraid to challenge his ideas, I am not afraid to say no, and do something because I want to, not because I was told to. I'm going to continue this little Pursuit of Happiness Tour of 2011.


So this is basically preparation for my rebuttal. I can't wait to say no. Knowing there's not a damn thing that he can do about it. It's my life and finally I am independent. So when he lays his whole life plan out for me, I want to have something concrete to fall back on. I won't interrupt I won't say a word until he's done talking. I think I want to say something along the lines of:

"I thank you for your thoughtful suggestions, but I am happy with my life the way it is. I will stay in my apartment until the end of my lease and more than likely will not be moving out of Kingston. I am taking one entire year off from school and will be going back to it in 2013, I don't have a course selected yet, but that is my current plan."

And if he presses on and says something derogatory to my plans or my current living situation, I move to the smear campaign. "Look, I know you haven't always been here for me and I'm ok with that, I don't need you to try to make up for it now, I was fine before, I am fine now, and will be fine in the future. Maybe the decisions I'm making right now aren't neccessarily the best for me. But they're my decisions and I'm going to continue making them and learning from them. The more you pressure me, the less likely I am to want to move to Ottawa at any point in the future. I would kindly appreciate any support that you can give me at this point in my life but please do not continue to passive aggressively attack my choices."

And if he continues still:
"Fuck you, I'm leaving."

I've missed the ability to make clear decisions. When you have nothing you have nothing to lose. Tinaka messaged me today. I forgot about this battle, the battle of who would message first, I won. So we talked for a few hours, and I was amazed at the comments I had no problem making, knowing that this was a throwaway attempt led me to get bored, and say something that I normally wouldn't. High risk and high reward. I think this is going to be pretty easy, can't let up, gotta stay focused and not make any stupid mistakes. I think I can do that.

I ache to play another game of Hockey, I miss the exercise. That's all for now I guess.

Embrace the calm.