"It's really quite pleasant, and so far the smell, mama we all go to hell"

Back story part 2: "All because of you, I believe in angels, not the kind with wings, not kind with halos, the kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strange place"

So like I said amidst this man made hell, I had a beacon of hope. A reason to strive to achieve the goals necessary for my release. This girl that from about the time I left my home, and for about a week after I got to my grandparents, I talked to endlessly, and who agreed to a long distance relationship (yea I know they don't work <nerd joke><inside joke>shut up holly</inside joke></nerd joke>). Her name was Kelsie, and she was my world. My only reason to wake up, my only reason, to work towards getting home. I spent every possible second online talking to her on MSN, every day waiting to see her on cam, and every second dreaming of a future with her.


It started off pretty good, we talked and we were happy. Whenever I went home to visit my mom for a weekend, I'd always schedule a date with Kelsie. Hell my first real date was with her. We had walked along the waterfront and then went to go see a movie (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), and it is still one of my nicer memories of well... ever.


Even talking about nothing on MSN with her, was some of the best conversation I ever had. Just knowing I had something to look forward to, a reason to exist. Which was good because after a few months of hell things we're getting pretty bleak. The few friends I had had at my old school I wasn't all that close with so we never talked, and after awhile it felt like I only really had her.


In mid March I went home to visit my mom, and found out that my horse that I had grown up with was having difficulty with its feet, which if you know anything about horses, pretty much indicates a death sentence. So I was told that the only reason she was still alive was so that I could come back to say goodbye. To put in a way that puts things into perspective. I've only ever really loved Her (if you've been reading you know who I'm talking about , Kelsie, and that horse. We practically grew up together. Anyway we had to have her put down. Which at the time seemed rather surreal, like it wasn't happening at all, like I'd wake up from a nightmare. This was the first time I'd really had to deal with loss, and something just clicked inside me. An option I didn't think that existed popped up. To deal with the stress, I just simply stopped caring. Which was surprisingly easy and has made life easier ever since. It felt a little like getting caught for a crime and the just getting let off the hook. But I digress.


So anyway back to Kelsie. On May 17th (uh-oh he said the exact date) I saw the following conversation on my computer screen when I got home from school:

5/19/2008  6:42:46 PM  *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)]  

give me a shout- we need to talk 

5/19/2008  7:52:40 PM  Calvin

so what do we need to talk about? 

5/19/2008  7:52:51 PM  *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)] 

well....

5/19/2008  7:52:59 PM  *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)] 

Ugh this is weird to be saying >.<

5/19/2008  7:53:23 PM  Calvin

?

5/19/2008  7:53:45 PM  *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)] 

me and u sorta did drift:S and someone asked me out today

5/19/2008  7:53:49 PM  *Kowsee. . . [(L)]The moment I lose [M]yself- i know where to find [Y]ou[(L)] 

and I accepted.

5/19/2008  7:54:05 PM  Calvin

ok ….

So as you can see, after 6 months of waiting, and dreaming and hoping, and just 1 month before I'm go home for good she drops that on me. At 5/19/2008 7:53:50 PM is the exact moment I stopped caring. I simply gave up. Cause fuck feelings. If this is what you get every time you invest yourself into anything. I don't get why anyone would do this to themselves.

What did I do? What could I do, I buckled down, aced the final section of my course work and went home. The person who came back, was not the same person who left. Immune to any pain, indifferent to anyone's suffering. Between suicide girl, and the events that transpired while I was away, I definitely had no reason to care about anyone else's problems. In fact I found it almost musing to watch people struggle sometimes.

[Oh god is he ever going to shut up] or as I like to say... TBC