You know if I stayed home for more than 5 seconds, maybe updating regularly wouldn't be so difficult

I've been busy... and yet not a whole lot has happened. I went to visit my cousin for the first time in like 6 months. It wasn't too bad, I got to meet his girlfriend. I swear to god everyone is getting laid left right and center but me. My cousin who's a year younger has slept with at least 2 people (possibly three). All of my friends except for two have done it, and one probably will within the next month if he hasn't already, and the other one I think will be a virgin forever. He's really my last chance to beat anyone. Anyway....


The walls are closing in for drivers ed, and I think I might still be screwed, but I can usually squirm my way out of difficult situations, and if this in anyway works out so that my parents don't kill me I'm writing a goddamn book.


I haven't seen Nikki since my last post, and it's not likely I'll see her for at least 2 weeks. The more I think about it, the less I like the idea of pursuing a relationship with her. But I've been in an anti-social mood for the last few days. Sleep is becoming more and more difficult, I dread lying down at night, I'm getting panic attacks almost every night. These aren't debilitating because I know how to handle them, but they're still extremely unpleasant. I remember now why I had my sleep schedule set the way it was:
Monday - Friday
Up: at 5:45 - 6:00 AM
Sleep: 1:30 - 2:00 AM
Saturday - Sunday
Up: 5:45 - 6:00 AM
Sleep: 12:00 - 1:00 AM
Every 3rd or 4th Sunday
Up: 5:45 - 6:00 AM
Asleep: 6:00 - 7:00 PM

The explanation being I lived about 30 minutes from my school and the bus came to pick me up at 6:20 in the morning on week days, and I worked weekend shifts from 7:00 AM to 3:00 PM and we lived thirty minutes away, and it takes me 30 -40 minutes to get ready hence I just got up the same time every day. The explanation for staying awake so long at night was so that I was always too tired to stew in my own thoughts and went to sleep within a minute or so. The problem is now, I am out of school and am unemployed. So now its:
Everyday:
Up: 11:15 AM - 12:30 PM
In bed and waiting for sleep: anywhere between 12:30 - 3:30 AM
and now that I'm not constantly sleep deprived, it takes me 20 + minutes to get to sleep at night. Therein lies the problem. I have time to think, and thinking for me isn't good. During the day when I'm distracted I'm fine, at night, when I can concentrate is the worst. I won't go into details at the moment, but it's starting to feel like it did a long time ago.


On another note, I have a date tomorrow, another more or less blind date. I hope I'm in a more social mood. Its getting boring hating everyone I meet at first sight. I'm sure the people I meet are fine, but I somehow always manage to find a way to pick apart their personality until I'm sick of them. Good thing I already have friends.


I'm starting to have second thoughts about college. Yes I want to go, but the things I applied/were accepted for seem dull and pointless. None of them seem like careers that will make me happy. Oh well like always I'm sure I'll figure something out. I always do.