"The ends justify the means, and it's not over yet, so shut up, strap in, and pray"

           So yea, I feel... well that in itself  is news, even if it is awful. It's kinda like when you have a nightmare and have that god awful feeling that you've done something wrong, and when you wake up you're so relieved it didn't happen. That's how I feel minus the relieved part.

While I'm proud I did anything with Natalie I think I should have tried for more. As Marcel pointed out later she was probably here to get laid. Which turned my night of awesomeness into: "oohhhhhh.... Fuck." So I figured well whatever she'll be around, I can always work towards it, she doesn't leave for school until like may or some shit. Or you know January 9th. Again, Fuck. Ok well at least I still have some time before she leaves. Or you know, none because she's booked up at work, and then going out of town for a week. So bottom line she said she could try to make room for me sometime after that. So I might be able to see her again 21 days from now. Ok fine at least she can't be moving that far away for school. Or you know, Hamilton which is like 4 hours away.

Now as for Marcel's theory the evidence is as follows (in rough chronological order):
- Natalie breaks up with boyfriend.
- Natalie starts talking to me again.
- Natalie half invites her self over to drink, and to stay overnight.
- Natalie mentions a year or so back that she gets kinda slutty when she drinks (I'm not saying she does, I'm just saying that's what I was told).
- Natalie states that she will be spending the night in one of our beds.
- Natalie spends night in bed.
- Natalie "Doesn't mind" if I don't wearing pants.
- Natalie "Is too hot" and takes off top. So just to recap so far, she's basically naked in my bed, and we're both moderately drunk.
- Natalie States that she's not looking for a relationship, (not to me asking, but just kind of says it in conversation)
- I'm a dumb ass who could have easily misread the whole situation (This should be at the beginning).

Evidence against this theory:
- Natalie mentions that she doesn't usually have sex on first dates.
- If she wanted sex, she would have said something right? Right?
- Or at least like touched it right?
- Life would reeeally suck if I missed this, so ipso facto Marcel's wrong.

So as you can see Marcel's theory is complete bogus.

Now as for what's going to happen. I have no idea, and that terrifies me. I've never stood to loose so much. I mean if she liked me, wouldn't she try harder to be able to hang out? She did agree to maybe hanging out again, but the maybe bothers me, is it a cop out or is she going to be busy? She did in the morning mention wanting to meet my mom, which I thought strange, and I have no idea how serious she was. The more I over-analyze this, the more I'm pretty sure this was nothing, that the something was supposed to happen that night, and that I've missed my chance for good. I keep thinking in my head that this will be nearly impossible to live with, but part of me knows this is stupid that I'll get over it. I don't know if I want to. I've never bonded with someone so quickly in my entire life, I felt comfortable, she could have asked anything and I would have told her. I trusted someone, and I didn't die. I guess that in itself is a step forward. I think I'm going to have to (much like every time I have a prospect) just wait. In the meantime I think I'm going to ask hockey chick to coffee this week. That ought to take my mind off of this. I miss thinking normally as much as I did cuddling.