"You don't have to fight to maintain control of the situation."

Today's topic: Giving up.

Finally something I'm an expert in. So I went and consulted a girl about my current situation. She thinks I blew any chance I might have had. Based almost solely on the fact that Natalie was quick to be busy all of December, and not be more willing/ or appear to be more proactive at trying to hang out again in the near future. Kind of depressing I was hoping for a much more positive outlook on the situation, now am more disheartened.

This bothers me. A lot. Better yet I don't know why this bothers me. At all. I had a great night, and the apparent prospect of it probably never happening with her again is apparently life interrupting. I can't seem to get it out of my head. Instead of focusing on the positives, I keep going over perceived mistakes, and hating myself for them.

Is this what I've been working towards? The same insecurities and fears that I had before? What I always thought was funny, I'd talk with my family about my life in general, stuff about my dad going to prison, my horse dying and my life in general going to shit, and they'd always say that I handled it well and that they probably couldn't do the same. I thought it funny because really it's not hard, it's as easy as giving up. As easy as saying "I don't care". The ones who are really strong are the ones who choose to feel every second of it. The ones who are willing to weather the up and the mostly downs time and again.

I like that I can (or at least have before) just quit whenever I want. I think it might take a few days to get used to again. I miss not worrying about anything. The confidence you have in knowing that even if you do fuck up, it doesn't matter. No hassles, no obsessing, just peace. I think another big reason it attracts me, is the prospect of control. Control over my feelings and therefore a more logical psychological and physiological response in everyday situations. I'm very all or nothing, if one thing doesn't matter, then nothing does. It's actually a part of the law of human internal consistencies, people are more likely to act like how they perceive themselves and also how they think others perceive them. Therefore if I perceive myself as cold hearted and emotionless, than that's how I will act, and therefore become.

Now all that being said, I don't think I want to be that person. It took me this long to get semi used to being an open person, and since I've started it has lead to an increase in prospects and dates, and so far the downs have been worth the ups. In the back of my mind I hold on to just a few tidbits of hope, little perfect glimmering memories of Sunday and the conversation the day after that go against the theory (which sounds like an awesome band name).
- She mentions in bed that she wants to meet my family (could mean nothing but it sounds positive).
- She mentions that while in school she does have a car, and that she will try to make it back for visits (that's right plural of visit).
- She stayed in bed almost 3 hours after having woken up, and showed no real hurry to get out or leave.
I think that's all the hope fuel I need to forge ahead. I can cling to that for awhile, she did say maybe to a hang out sometime after the 20th. So that's what I'll wait for. I give up on giving up.