Torublemaker - Weezer
If that makes any sense. Anyway its been a awhile, and as promised I am writing another post.
Things are going ok, I am working full time and making a good amount of money, I have my drivers license and almost unlimited use of a car. I have made a few friends from work. I have cheap car insurance due to the insurance company believing I have completed Drivers ed, which is awesome because I haven't and now my parents are no longer bothering me to finish it. So that turned out 1000 times better than I thought it would. Yay for ridiculous bullshit luck.
On the negative side my panic attacks are getting worse and slightly more frequent. They are starting to bother me even during the day time now. This is probably temporary. I hope.
That's all for now.
"Sometimes I wonder what's outside these walls... but it doesn't matter because I have everything I need right here."
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The End. Edit*
"Big shot screaming 'put your hands in the sky' he says 'give it up boy, give it up or you're gonna die, you'll get a bullet in the back of the neck, in the back of the neck, right between the eyes'..."
Hands in the Sky (Big Shot) - Straylight Run
Ok so you've seen it all. Everything that bothers me. Everything that made me who I am today. Who I am is not perfect. Writing this, all of this has given me a lot to think about. I got to go through my conversation history with the people who have spent the most time in my thoughts. I've seen that what I remember definitely was not what happened. More importantly I've learned to move on. Just because I felt a certain way for someone once, doesn't mean it will never happen again. Hell according to something I just read on Stumble there are approximately 18,000 people in the world that I'd be compatible with. So if I have to wait a little bit longer I guess that's how it goes.
I think I'm done with the blog for a bit. I've written what I've wanted to write. I have my story in written form. I will leave it at least until the end of March. April 15th, I'll update with whether or not I still need the blog.
I guess I can't really just stop telling the story. It needs an ending. So here it is:
So once Maddy got back from Mexico, I asked her if she wanted to hang out, to which she replied "Sure, when/where?". We ended up meeting out by the YMCA where we usually meet. We chatted a bit over coffee. I had forgotten how much I missed talking to her. We took a walk along the waterfront, it was a nice night for a walk, the stars were out and the temperature wasn't too cold. I walked her back to her apartment, where she is supposed to be staying until she leaves. I had planned this whole scenario out in my head for the last week. I would tell her everything. I would tell her how I felt about her. About how much she means to me. About how she should stay in town... just a bit longer. Just to find out if she feels even remotely the same way. I don't want to come off as insane, or start any drama so I spent the entire week, near sleepless wording everything out perfectly.
So we finally walk up to the doors and I am all set to tell her everything... When I hear the door open behind me and I see her light up, a smile that could brighten even the darkest day. I turn to look and I see her boyfriend behind me, who is sharing more or less the same expression. She moves past me to hug him, and proceeds to introduce us. We say an awkward hello and shake hands. She tells him that she'll be right up, and he closes the door. In what couldn't have been 2 minutes the whole foundation of my plan falls out from under me. Seeing that look in her eyes, a look of pure joy and happiness. I know that it's not meant to be, and telling her would accomplish nothing other than to ruin a perfectly good evening. So we say goodbye and she leaves. I sit out in the cold for a minute before I start to walk back, thinking as I go.
I know, that these feelings are pointless, irrational and unfounded, but fuck this. I have to tell her now, or risk regretting it forever. I run back and head inside the first set of doors and I key in the code to page her apartment number, all the while any semblance of what I had worded in my mind is lost. And the little speaker on the wall rings... I begin to feel unsure. What am I going to say? It rings again. I realize how incredibly stupid this is and part of me doesn't care. It rings a third time, and I start to panic. On the fourth ring I am almost out the door when I hear a muffled hello coming from the little box on the wall.
What happened next? How does this story really end? It doesn't matter. Sometimes life works out insanely well, but an equal amount of the time it can end up tragically soul crushing. So which is it going to be? Is this a story of true love? A tragedy? A fairy tale? You decide. I'm sure what ever ending you can imagine will be just as good as one I write. Because when its all over, the story is more important than the ending alone. Thanks again. For everything.
"The perfect moment. You know when you're in it. Because all at once your problems dissipate. All at once the world becomes a perfect place, happiness and love replacing hate and fear. Your only worry is that at any moment it could all end. You're afraid to look at your watch. Afraid to count the seconds. Because there are much better ways to spend them. And when it ends. When you realize it's all over, when the world fades from color to black. You'll still be happy."
Hands in the Sky (Big Shot) - Straylight Run
Ok so you've seen it all. Everything that bothers me. Everything that made me who I am today. Who I am is not perfect. Writing this, all of this has given me a lot to think about. I got to go through my conversation history with the people who have spent the most time in my thoughts. I've seen that what I remember definitely was not what happened. More importantly I've learned to move on. Just because I felt a certain way for someone once, doesn't mean it will never happen again. Hell according to something I just read on Stumble there are approximately 18,000 people in the world that I'd be compatible with. So if I have to wait a little bit longer I guess that's how it goes.
I think I'm done with the blog for a bit. I've written what I've wanted to write. I have my story in written form. I will leave it at least until the end of March. April 15th, I'll update with whether or not I still need the blog.
I guess I can't really just stop telling the story. It needs an ending. So here it is:
So once Maddy got back from Mexico, I asked her if she wanted to hang out, to which she replied "Sure, when/where?". We ended up meeting out by the YMCA where we usually meet. We chatted a bit over coffee. I had forgotten how much I missed talking to her. We took a walk along the waterfront, it was a nice night for a walk, the stars were out and the temperature wasn't too cold. I walked her back to her apartment, where she is supposed to be staying until she leaves. I had planned this whole scenario out in my head for the last week. I would tell her everything. I would tell her how I felt about her. About how much she means to me. About how she should stay in town... just a bit longer. Just to find out if she feels even remotely the same way. I don't want to come off as insane, or start any drama so I spent the entire week, near sleepless wording everything out perfectly.
So we finally walk up to the doors and I am all set to tell her everything... When I hear the door open behind me and I see her light up, a smile that could brighten even the darkest day. I turn to look and I see her boyfriend behind me, who is sharing more or less the same expression. She moves past me to hug him, and proceeds to introduce us. We say an awkward hello and shake hands. She tells him that she'll be right up, and he closes the door. In what couldn't have been 2 minutes the whole foundation of my plan falls out from under me. Seeing that look in her eyes, a look of pure joy and happiness. I know that it's not meant to be, and telling her would accomplish nothing other than to ruin a perfectly good evening. So we say goodbye and she leaves. I sit out in the cold for a minute before I start to walk back, thinking as I go.
I know, that these feelings are pointless, irrational and unfounded, but fuck this. I have to tell her now, or risk regretting it forever. I run back and head inside the first set of doors and I key in the code to page her apartment number, all the while any semblance of what I had worded in my mind is lost. And the little speaker on the wall rings... I begin to feel unsure. What am I going to say? It rings again. I realize how incredibly stupid this is and part of me doesn't care. It rings a third time, and I start to panic. On the fourth ring I am almost out the door when I hear a muffled hello coming from the little box on the wall.
What happened next? How does this story really end? It doesn't matter. Sometimes life works out insanely well, but an equal amount of the time it can end up tragically soul crushing. So which is it going to be? Is this a story of true love? A tragedy? A fairy tale? You decide. I'm sure what ever ending you can imagine will be just as good as one I write. Because when its all over, the story is more important than the ending alone. Thanks again. For everything.
"The perfect moment. You know when you're in it. Because all at once your problems dissipate. All at once the world becomes a perfect place, happiness and love replacing hate and fear. Your only worry is that at any moment it could all end. You're afraid to look at your watch. Afraid to count the seconds. Because there are much better ways to spend them. And when it ends. When you realize it's all over, when the world fades from color to black. You'll still be happy."
A near hit
So I was looking over that dating site again, and I saw a profile that caught my eye. She lives in my area and she looked attractive and I don't mean just physically she seemed really nice, and altogether just looked like a nice person. So I messaged her and she responded! Only to find out.... she's moving! Yay for me.... again. If it weren't for bad luck with girls I'd have no bad luck at all. Anyway we chatted for a bit, and it was fun, we talked until about 3 AM and then when I messaged her today she didn't respond. So I figure that's as far as I'm going to get. I'm so sick of being single, honestly my only goal now is to be in a relationship by may 19th. If I do make it to the 19th then I've earned the 3 straight years single badge. Yay again. Oh and the girl from works who's name I didn't remember is named Carley.... and she's dating someone. More desparity to follow! : D
Thursday, March 17, 2011
"I'm a trouble maker, never had the patience to keep it on the up"
Troublemaker - Weezer
Music news:
Rise Against has a new album (End Game) and its out!! If you haven't listened to them I would recommend them. I like every single song they've done, so yea check em out!
Work is going better now that we're actually doing some freakin work. Not just sitting listening to a boring speaker. I've talked to a lot of people in my training group, and have a few prospects to hit on.
List goes form the person I am least interested in to the one I am most interested in.
Jaclyn - Has a boyfriend, but I got the vibe that she's not too attached.
Ryleigh - Has a boyfriend as I just confirmed using facebook, but is also really hot, and who knows? It doesn't hurt to make a new friend.... and maybe wait out the relationship.
Steffany - Haven't talked to her much, and I think she's the only one who might actually be single.
????? - For fuck sakes, I forgot her name, which is retarded because she sits next to me and I talk to her all the time. Anyway she mentioned a boyfriend, but then she mentioned an ex, which might mean she's single I don't know. Anyway she's cute and she talks to me, and in the end... isn't that what we all want?
After this I got nothing, I can't wait for college to meet new people! My goal is to at the very least, get some kind of relationship before mid May. Must not... Be... Single... For three... Straight... Years...
But yea sleep is coming slightly easier now, that I have a job and am always tired. Things are on the up.
Music news:
Rise Against has a new album (End Game) and its out!! If you haven't listened to them I would recommend them. I like every single song they've done, so yea check em out!
Work is going better now that we're actually doing some freakin work. Not just sitting listening to a boring speaker. I've talked to a lot of people in my training group, and have a few prospects to hit on.
List goes form the person I am least interested in to the one I am most interested in.
Jaclyn - Has a boyfriend, but I got the vibe that she's not too attached.
Ryleigh - Has a boyfriend as I just confirmed using facebook, but is also really hot, and who knows? It doesn't hurt to make a new friend.... and maybe wait out the relationship.
Steffany - Haven't talked to her much, and I think she's the only one who might actually be single.
????? - For fuck sakes, I forgot her name, which is retarded because she sits next to me and I talk to her all the time. Anyway she mentioned a boyfriend, but then she mentioned an ex, which might mean she's single I don't know. Anyway she's cute and she talks to me, and in the end... isn't that what we all want?
After this I got nothing, I can't wait for college to meet new people! My goal is to at the very least, get some kind of relationship before mid May. Must not... Be... Single... For three... Straight... Years...
But yea sleep is coming slightly easier now, that I have a job and am always tired. Things are on the up.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"I've got a hole in my head, the size of lake fucking michigan"
I'm going to start posting the song title from now:
"Old School Remains - Alkaline Trio"
So the first day of work was unbelievably boring. I was actually social though! I struck up conversations with a few people, including a few cute girls, all with minimal nervousness. It's easier than I thought it would be. So I've furthered my plan with Sarah, by that I mean I'm waiting to get a little bit more experience before I contact her.
So yea, beyond that not a whole lot more to report, I sent a bunch more messages to people on that dating site, I don't expect many responses but, at least I can say I'm trying.
"Old School Remains - Alkaline Trio"
So the first day of work was unbelievably boring. I was actually social though! I struck up conversations with a few people, including a few cute girls, all with minimal nervousness. It's easier than I thought it would be. So I've furthered my plan with Sarah, by that I mean I'm waiting to get a little bit more experience before I contact her.
So yea, beyond that not a whole lot more to report, I sent a bunch more messages to people on that dating site, I don't expect many responses but, at least I can say I'm trying.
Monday, March 14, 2011
"I can make anybody go to prison just because I don't like, em, I can do anything with no resistance"
Wow just reread what I posted yesterday, it didn't make a whole lot of sense. I need to to proof read more.
So looks like I've got all the information to continue with operation dumbass. What I lack however is courage. It's not so much that I fear being rejected by her (There's something worse?). It's that I might develop real feelings for this person, freeze up and panic on the physical portion, be the subject of ridicule and be forever scarred/discouraged from future relationship attempts (oh.). So I am delaying operation dumbass for a few days. Cause that's apparently how long it takes to get over crippling fears.
The actual reason is that I start my job tomorrow at a call center. This job requires a rather intensive training program before you actually start working there. So on the 15th of every month they will start a new class of recruits, and I have no idea what to expect. So hopefully there will be a single, attractive, somewhat intelligent girl, that's also my age there. Hell hopefully there will be a bunch there. As a note somewhat intelligent refers to someone who would only use the word "retardedest" in a sentence sarcastically. I am also going to attempt to be socially outgoing, try to make a few friends etc.
And if there is absolutely not a single person to hit on at my new job tomorrow... I will talk to Sarah tomorrow, and proceed with operation dumbass.
So looks like I've got all the information to continue with operation dumbass. What I lack however is courage. It's not so much that I fear being rejected by her (There's something worse?). It's that I might develop real feelings for this person, freeze up and panic on the physical portion, be the subject of ridicule and be forever scarred/discouraged from future relationship attempts (oh.). So I am delaying operation dumbass for a few days. Cause that's apparently how long it takes to get over crippling fears.
The actual reason is that I start my job tomorrow at a call center. This job requires a rather intensive training program before you actually start working there. So on the 15th of every month they will start a new class of recruits, and I have no idea what to expect. So hopefully there will be a single, attractive, somewhat intelligent girl, that's also my age there. Hell hopefully there will be a bunch there. As a note somewhat intelligent refers to someone who would only use the word "retardedest" in a sentence sarcastically. I am also going to attempt to be socially outgoing, try to make a few friends etc.
And if there is absolutely not a single person to hit on at my new job tomorrow... I will talk to Sarah tomorrow, and proceed with operation dumbass.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
"Did I let you down to get that sound, And break my knees to get release"
Why do we need epiphanies? Why isn't our life just acceptable from the get go. Stupid epiphanies. It's never something easy to implement either, no one ever goes "Oh thank god I've realized the error of my ways, I'll never wear florescent pink ever again". It usually somewhere along the line of "I probably shouldn't be breathing as often as I do" on the difficulty scale.
I thought more about my situation in life. I only have one life. I might as well go after what I want. Which means, despite the bro code, the screaming instincts, the warning lights going off in my head, and everything else. I am going to consider if I want her who here forth and retroactively shall be known as Maddy.
Things to consider are, we were getting to be pretty good friends before she left for Mexico. She is in a long term relationship, and I'd hate to be that guy. Just because she's the first person I've felt like this for, doesn't mean she will be the last. She is leaving for college that's way out of town in September. Well I guess I kind of answered my own question, I'll keep what I've got.
If however she does break up with her boyfriend before September, I'll definitely let her know how I feel. There epiphany sated.
Next on the agenda is the girl I mention last night, and (thank god I didn't) almost messaged. Her name is Sarah. Anyway, I looked online about how to ask a girl out on facebook (yea I know it's pathetic). Anyway they suggested using the chat function if you don't know the person, then pretend that you sent them a message by mistake, and from there strike up a conversation, and if it's a good conversation ask for their number and/or a date. Which seems like a pretty solid plan. Now to increase my odds, I am waiting a day or two, to see when she is mostly likely to log into facebook, and stay on for increased periods of time.
Ok there, I was able to set aside my feelings for a girl I love, and make a rational decision, and from there have made a plan to ask another girl I've never met out. All without to much effort/stress.
I thought more about my situation in life. I only have one life. I might as well go after what I want. Which means, despite the bro code, the screaming instincts, the warning lights going off in my head, and everything else. I am going to consider if I want her who here forth and retroactively shall be known as Maddy.
Things to consider are, we were getting to be pretty good friends before she left for Mexico. She is in a long term relationship, and I'd hate to be that guy. Just because she's the first person I've felt like this for, doesn't mean she will be the last. She is leaving for college that's way out of town in September. Well I guess I kind of answered my own question, I'll keep what I've got.
If however she does break up with her boyfriend before September, I'll definitely let her know how I feel. There epiphany sated.
Next on the agenda is the girl I mention last night, and (thank god I didn't) almost messaged. Her name is Sarah. Anyway, I looked online about how to ask a girl out on facebook (yea I know it's pathetic). Anyway they suggested using the chat function if you don't know the person, then pretend that you sent them a message by mistake, and from there strike up a conversation, and if it's a good conversation ask for their number and/or a date. Which seems like a pretty solid plan. Now to increase my odds, I am waiting a day or two, to see when she is mostly likely to log into facebook, and stay on for increased periods of time.
Ok there, I was able to set aside my feelings for a girl I love, and make a rational decision, and from there have made a plan to ask another girl I've never met out. All without to much effort/stress.
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