Feel it all slipping away

Ok so would anyone else consider this a mixed message? We're chatting and she sends me a link to what she's getting on boxing day, it's lingerie. She. Sent me. A like. To a lingerie site. This will be the death of me, on top of the whole Clusterfuck that is this whole situation, I keep trying, fuck this, fuck all of this. Fuck this girl, fuck that night, fuck this situation, fuck this whole fucking fucked up fuck.

Then: (and sometimes now)
I love her laugh,
I love her smile,
I love the way she say "awwe" to eveything
I love her deep brown eyes,
I love the way she stares at me when we talk

Now: (always now)
I hate her crooked fucking teeth,
I hate her heartless cackle,
I hate the sound of her squeaky voice,
I hate her shit stained eyes,
I hate the way I feel when I'm near her, or think of her,


I've never experienced such a goddamn split between opinions on one subject let alone to those extremes. I spent half my drive away from the apartment screaming lyrics to angry songs, and the other half laughing like Tyler Durden when he got the shit kicked out of him by Lou.