Merry Fucking Christmas. (You, Can't, Kill, Me, I'm, Already, Inside, You)

(If the pain goes on, I'm not going to make it!)
Ever notice how when you cut yourself, everything you bump into after hits that exact spot? I am currently alone. I don’t think I’ve ever been so alone. It’s Christmas eve; well Christmas now I guess. I am stuck here by myself I have no one to talk to, no one to message, the only people I would usually talk to about my problems with are currently both of the people I am having issues with. Natalie is my go to girl to talk to about girl problems, so I clearly can't talk to her at all. Marcel is the other and he is just too close to the situation now. It's getting worse now. It's like all of the reasons I swore off emotions we're lost to me, and slowly I'm remembering them all. 


Stage 1:
-I obsess. This was probably the first thing to come back.
-I do stupid things, or at least notice and care more. 
Stage 2:
-The panic attacks. They've gotten pretty bad at times.
-I can't sleep.
Stage 3:
- I am indecisive. I can't make decisions. Which is just fucking awesome.
- I can't take criticism anymore, joking or not. It's fucked up, if someone jokingly says something negative about me, my eyes get all watery. I don't feel like I'm going to cry, my eyes just get watery. Then I panic and think people are going to think I'm crying which makes it worse. I had forgotten this, and it sucks fucking balls. 
Stage 4:
- Depression. I'm down all the goddamn time now.

Fuck whatever is supposed to be next. I can do anything. I can take anything. I am invincible. There's nothing that I haven't before and won't be able to in the future deal with. I'm going back. I remember it more now, I didn't do this just because I felt like it, I did this out of necessity. I need this. I just need sometime away from people to get this started, a few nights listening to music, thinking, and finding that peaceful place inside me. The place where nothing matters. I am going to pick something else to focus on right now, I've been working out with some basic exercises to angry music, I feel better. As for Natalie. That ship has clearly fucking sailed, time to man up and move on. I won't be talking to her for at least the next five days, whether she starts the conversation or not. After that, if she still tries to say hello, I will respond but my answers will be limited, I will not proactively seek contact with her.  


I am free. I am unbreakable. Just go ahead and try.