I seem to be getting off-track.

 Anything with quotes around it, ... hell I'm not even sure what to call them. It's not so much poetry, more like words that when put together at 3 AM sounded good. Also I've added a reaction bar to each of the posts from now on, and also am hoping the new layout is easier to read.

Nov 15 2010, 12:58:45 AM

            This marks the exact year to the second, since I last talked to my ex. I think digging this up is helping me better learn the emotional learning curve. It is frightening but every time I go a little bit deeper, let someone a little but closer, I feel a little bit better, like maybe after all I can fix myself. I will get better. I will feel something, for someone eventually.

Nov 23 2010 11:56 PM

            "I'd give you everything, if I weren't so sure that I'd get nothing back."

Nov 28 2010 9:31 PM

            Some stuff I’ve written not, all of it is great but hey, I was cranking most of this out at 3 AM.

Hide from happiness, strive for mediocrity, and wallow in self pity. Sacrifice everything, hope for the world, and then settle for less than you deserve. The World is full of inspiration.

‎"Evidently I would choose insanity over unhappiness, hate over reality."

"If they won't face us, then well bring the fight to them."

"Your thoughts are disorganized, your actions deliberate, your words slurred, and your intentions clear. Your back is straight, your shoulders slumped, your hair combed, and your nose bloody. Your dreams great, your nightmares devastating, your intentions noble, and your methods insane. The fiery ruins that lay behind ...you are nothing short of your greatest accomplishment."

'="The anticipation is deadly. Every second feels like an hour. The silence is nerve wracking. Everything is on the line. All of history has boiled down, to this. Exact. Moment. You can practically hear the hearts around you beating, though no says a word. You want desperately to breakdown and give up now, but it’s too late, you are the only one who can finish this. You wait for the exact moment to strike, and then…

*click*

*click*

*click*

and just like that it is done... New high score!!!"

Dec 4 2010 1:10 PM

            Wow, I bet I’d get along well with 14 year old emo kids, part of me reads going what the fuck, but a part of me wonders if this is the awkwardness that feelings bring on.

Had a “date” with K on Wednesday, it was a first. We met at Starbucks, which fully lives up to its reputation as goddamned expensive, but the coffee was pretty good. Before this we were kind of acquaintances, but never really ever hung out together. A few weeks back her relationship status on Facebook had changed from “in a relationship” to “single”, so a week back I asked her to coffee, to which she agreed.

Reasons why it was awkward:

#1. We have little or no shared history

So the “remember when” moments were non existent.

#2. We are both introverted slightly.

So our conversation was rather quiet and awkwardly spoken.

#3. It was my first time going to Starbucks

The whole hipster thing caught me off guard, with their grande this and venti that.

#4. There were no tables.

So we sat at the bar, right in front on the barristas who got to listen to and probably laughed at our pathetic attempt at a conversation.

#5. She got there first.

I was hoping for a few minutes of prep time, and was immediately caught off guard.

#6. She has a twin.

And oh my God, am I ever terrible at remembering people who don’t have a twin names.

Why it’s not an excuse:

#1. Duh, you have to make the shared experiences, next time ask more open ended, and fun questions, set a brighter tone.

#2. Effort, enough said.

#3. Dude come on, it’s a goddamned coffee shop.

#4. It probably would have been just as awkward at a table, first dates are always iffy.

#5. 2 things. You had an entire week to prepare mentally, and next set a time and get there even earlier than that.

#6. Dude, just don’t be retarded.

So aside from that little rant, it wasn’t at all a bad “date”. I have but a few concerns, first of all me and a friend both asked her pretty much the same question, and he got the friend zoned answer, saying that she just got out of a long term relationship. So now I’m not sure if she agreed to hang out with me as friends or if she was giving me a shot (so to speak). Next after the first “date” not sure if I blew it for good, it was on the short side of not that great. We met at 11:00 ordered our drinks and sat down. At 11:21 she asked what time it was, I told her. She excused herself to the washroom, and then suggested that we should walk back (it was 11:26 when she came back, I thought she had left haha (wow do I sound pathetic)), so we wouldn’t be late for class (class starts at 12:00 and it’s a 8 minute walk from where we were).

            A friend recommended that before I try to ask for another date, that I should try to chat her up more online first. Work on a routine from there and then try and get another “date”. Of course I encountered a small problem and I immediately want to give up.

Reasons to give up:

#1. She hangs out with a group of stoners.

#2. I am afraid of intimacy, and will only end up embarrassing myself

Reasons to shut the hell up, and for once in my life to try for something:

#1. Stoners are awesome, I miss partying with them

#2. It can only get better from here, and I can’t live like this forever.

#3. It’s been three years, since my last relationship, time to do something about it.

Of course, giving up is easier but always the option containing the most fun.