lIFE TO BUSY SPLOTCHY UPDATES

Sept 7 2010

So I hatched a rather hasty plan, I was going to tell her how I felt. Of course like any well thought out plan, it was time sensitive. She is to leave at the end of this month. I ask her “Are you up for a talk sometime soon?” She replies “Absolutely, when and where?”. We set it up for a week later at a local coffee shop.

I wait. I plan. I word out my feelings into small manageable bite size chunks. I tell myself this is it. I tell myself that I know I don’t expect her to drop her plans, to leave her boyfriend (with whom she is living). I make a note to mention this, to tell her that I just want to say this before she leaves, even though I don’t expect her to reciprocate. Although in a deep recess of my mind I wish she would.

Oct 3 2010

A week passes with agonizing slowness and dread. I should probably mention I am terrified of emotions of any kind. Sharing things like this brings the sense of dread I believe should be reserved for people resting on their deathbed before their time. Each day my resolve drains, I repeat to myself every time I start to panic, “You’re doing this.” Some days I’m more convincing than others.

Oct 9 2010

It’s the night before we are expected to meet. I am drinking. I ask a friend for advice on the matter. He explains that when this happens it’ll be very awkward. He says I should express my wish to maintain contact after I pour my heart out. I look at him quizzically. He explains “In French there are two ways to say ‘good bye’, one being ‘au revoir’. You know what that means right?” I respond “Yea it means good bye”. He sighed “No it means ‘until we meet again’. Whereas the second way of biding a farewell is to say ‘adieu’ this literally means ‘until god’. You want to make sure she knows that you aren’t doing this as a last ditch effort to get with her.” There was a pause. “A good sentiment indeed, I’ll try to remember that tomorrow when I’m choking on my own words.”