I sit, In My Desolate Room, No Lights, No Music, Just Anger, Killed Everyone,

The worlds, they burn.
Behind these calm eyes, and emotionless features, lies a sea of hate and anger. A cascade of indescribable negativity flows through this body. I want to drink until all I feel is vomit coming out of me, I want to punch the wall until my knuckles are broken, I want to scream lyrics to angry music, I want to run until my feet are bloody, I want to be beaten until I can't process thoughts. I want to destroy everything with everyone inside, I want to watch your world burn.


I don't think I've ever been so overwhelmed with any situation ever. This is setting the bar for the worlds worst cluster-fuck. I wish this had never happened. Any of this.

I'm going to be completely honest I'm a little pissed off with you. I say you because no one else reads this. I know I'm not you, but I think you could have tried a little harder, I know I would have. I mean I said, "I don't want you to do Natalie, but if it happened I'd get over it" followed by "Not an excuse to try, but if she throws herself at you go for it, [I guess]". I wasn't there so I don't know what went down. I also really didn't want to know about it. It's like "oh I feel jealous, but I'm just dumb, Marcel doesn't like Natalie, no wait, jealous instinct was right, now I have reason to listen to it in the future". I'm just ranting so don't take this personally, I'm just pissed at this whole thing. It's weird there is no sadness, feeling of loss, just bad feelings that are converted into hate because that's the only way I can deal with them. I can express hate, I can express anger. I find myself hating. Hating Natalie, hating Marcel, hating myself. Hating everything. Like if by hating Natalie it will be that easier to get over her, which I know is something I've done in the past, all I have to do is build a biased case in my head, and then erase the contradictory evidence. The hating my best friend however is new to me, and needs to stop. I would be lost without him, I would have no way of communicating with another human being. Who else would put up with my bullshit? Hating myself? I'm ok with this. It gives me a reason to change, a raison d'être if you will. I can channel it, all of it into self improvement, into that second wind when I think I'm about to break.

This whole thing has made me sour, my brain keeps thinking stupid things "Oh there's other girls. Ok there is, but if I bring them home then Marcel will fall in love with them and steal them from me". This is my brain being an asshole. I know this won't happen. I think trust issues got worse. This is somewhat positive, it won't happen again, and each time, it gets a little easier. I never thought this would change things so much, I also never realized how easily a friendship could be destroyed by a girl, he could have just as easily chosen her.

I feel better. More sit-ups needed.