Don't go searching for answers. You will find what you're looking for... and nothing else

Girl updates I guess. So right now I have a few shots going at once, none of them really serious though. I have coffee with Tinaka coming up. This is pretty much a throw away, just working on escalation technique. Movie with Natalie, which is really nothing. I've been putting myself in the friend zone as much as possible, asking girl advice and answering her guy questions. I thought me and Marcel had somewhat of a truce on her, so I asked to see if he was ok with it first, he was. I don't expect or really want anything from this one. Next we have "The Return" i.e. Maddie coming over to the apartment. I don't know what to expect from this if anything, I will wait for an opportunity, probably nothing. Last but not least a chick from work, who I've had a thing for, sat on my lap today, I don't know if it means anything. I'll ask her to a meal or something.

It's weird after that one angry day everything seems so bland and unimportant. Like everything just lost a shade of coloring. Oh well, greener grass on the other side of the fence and all that jazz. The peace is better than the chaos. More updates to come.

"Is anybody home, has anybody wasted tears of loneliness, that Everyone becomes"

Hockey was good, I need to get back into shape though, the two weeks off made today hard. I'll play everyday next week. I'm disappointed though. I thought I'd be able to draw from that little well of hate and anger I had inside me for the last little while, but this is not the case. It's seems like it's gone, like none of it mattered at all, I couldn't make myself angry or really feel much of anything about the situation that happened. There was only peace. I forgot how calm life can be. I think I played a little better today because of it. I was able to stay focused on the game at hand. There was less panic too.

Looking forward to New Years. I'm not going to get drunk I don't think, but we'll see how I feel in the moment.

So Dig My Head Into The Ground, This Muscle Junkie Tied Me Down

I hadn't realized how much I had matured until just today. I am currently visiting my family about 3 hours away from my home. My dad has always basically shit on whatever I've done, or whatever I've planned to do, he's almost as passive aggressive as his parents. Anyway, as soon as I dropped school, he came up with a plan for me, wanting me to get out of my lease and go take a business course in Ottawa. I kinda just dodged the offer at first, and I figured this visit he would have a sit down with me. He has been prepping me for it since I arrived, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is the one person I would normally listen to when commanded, depending on the situation. In fact he's the only reason I went to KCVI and didn't go back to my old friends from grade school. Anyway this time I haven't felt that compulsion, I am not afraid to challenge his ideas, I am not afraid to say no, and do something because I want to, not because I was told to. I'm going to continue this little Pursuit of Happiness Tour of 2011.


So this is basically preparation for my rebuttal. I can't wait to say no. Knowing there's not a damn thing that he can do about it. It's my life and finally I am independent. So when he lays his whole life plan out for me, I want to have something concrete to fall back on. I won't interrupt I won't say a word until he's done talking. I think I want to say something along the lines of:

"I thank you for your thoughtful suggestions, but I am happy with my life the way it is. I will stay in my apartment until the end of my lease and more than likely will not be moving out of Kingston. I am taking one entire year off from school and will be going back to it in 2013, I don't have a course selected yet, but that is my current plan."

And if he presses on and says something derogatory to my plans or my current living situation, I move to the smear campaign. "Look, I know you haven't always been here for me and I'm ok with that, I don't need you to try to make up for it now, I was fine before, I am fine now, and will be fine in the future. Maybe the decisions I'm making right now aren't neccessarily the best for me. But they're my decisions and I'm going to continue making them and learning from them. The more you pressure me, the less likely I am to want to move to Ottawa at any point in the future. I would kindly appreciate any support that you can give me at this point in my life but please do not continue to passive aggressively attack my choices."

And if he continues still:
"Fuck you, I'm leaving."

I've missed the ability to make clear decisions. When you have nothing you have nothing to lose. Tinaka messaged me today. I forgot about this battle, the battle of who would message first, I won. So we talked for a few hours, and I was amazed at the comments I had no problem making, knowing that this was a throwaway attempt led me to get bored, and say something that I normally wouldn't. High risk and high reward. I think this is going to be pretty easy, can't let up, gotta stay focused and not make any stupid mistakes. I think I can do that.

I ache to play another game of Hockey, I miss the exercise. That's all for now I guess.

Embrace the calm.

"We fight, until no one can fight us, we live and no one can stop us, we pull when we're pushed to far"

I am seriously considering compiling all of this into some sort of book, names changed to protect people and what not, my favorite part of a story was character development, and I think we have that.

Hockey is going well, I haven't played in almost a week but I haven't updated this portion in awhile. I had been playing five days a week and this was good for a few reasons, I was getting into really awesome shape, my technique was getting better, and my skating was getting easier. This was bad for a few reasons, I was playing pretty badly, letting in some shots I knew I should have gotten, this was largely due (IMO) to improper resting for my muscles, I was feeling sluggish and needed to figure out how to fix my game.

As luck would have it I twisted my ankle on some stairs at work as was unable to play for the first four days of the week. I probably could have played Thursday I was just too tired to wake up. So Friday I head out to the rink with some freshly sharpened skates, and see how my ankle would hold up. That break did wonders for me, combining the rest my muscles needed with the experience I had been hoarding, made for my best game ever. I had a 30 minute streak where I only let in 1 goal! Compared to usually 4 in 20.  I let in maybe 4 for the whole hour. I also found out I was wanted for a Thursday game for a local Hockey game, which means one of the other goalies at shinny trusted my abilities enough to let me fill in for him, which means a lot to me. I wish I had some video from my first game and from my last game just to compare them.

So I'm going to continue this streak, I'm going to train harder and channel all of this into something positive. The recovery is going well, one day at a time. I can't wait for the holidays to end. Oh also "The Return" is back on for sometime between the 2nd and the 5th, and I have a coffee date with Tinaka, whenever I decide to check back for her free days, I am going to also put every effort into getting into dating more women, and getting the experience I need.


New years resolutions/tasks 2011:
Get Laptop - completed
Get Laid - not completed
Play Hockey - completed
2/3
New years resolutions/tasks 2012:
5 K by end of summer.
Find a permanent team for Hockey.
Get new equipment for Hockey.
Meet a girl.
Make a new friend.

Bring it 2012.

"I can ride my bike with no handlebars, no handlebars"

I can see the future, in it there's pain and suffering, it's very much like our present, but it's also different. When this is over (because it will end, it always does), there will be peace, brotherhood, and a book deal in our future. Honestly we'd make a small fortune.

I don't really have anything to direct at you, I finally got it all out of my system last night and feel a 1000 times better, I don't much if any of it was warranted I just needed an outlet (yay frustration blog). I've found it, the place where everything is calm.

Things look better awake than they do asleep, a good nights sleep and a cooked breakfast does wonders. I realize now that I can't be this person, I can't just focus on me, this just leads to the obsessing. I need to be the person people can count on, like it was before. Parents always asking if I was ok when I knew that they themselves were barely staying together, knowing that they didn't need another problem, I told them I was fine, and then I was.

So I guess this where I stand up brush myself off, and become a better person, richer for the experience and all of that jazz. I have detoxed and am on my way to a speedy recovery. I can only wish you the same, if you need to talk, I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere.

I sit, In My Desolate Room, No Lights, No Music, Just Anger, Killed Everyone,

The worlds, they burn.
Behind these calm eyes, and emotionless features, lies a sea of hate and anger. A cascade of indescribable negativity flows through this body. I want to drink until all I feel is vomit coming out of me, I want to punch the wall until my knuckles are broken, I want to scream lyrics to angry music, I want to run until my feet are bloody, I want to be beaten until I can't process thoughts. I want to destroy everything with everyone inside, I want to watch your world burn.


I don't think I've ever been so overwhelmed with any situation ever. This is setting the bar for the worlds worst cluster-fuck. I wish this had never happened. Any of this.

I'm going to be completely honest I'm a little pissed off with you. I say you because no one else reads this. I know I'm not you, but I think you could have tried a little harder, I know I would have. I mean I said, "I don't want you to do Natalie, but if it happened I'd get over it" followed by "Not an excuse to try, but if she throws herself at you go for it, [I guess]". I wasn't there so I don't know what went down. I also really didn't want to know about it. It's like "oh I feel jealous, but I'm just dumb, Marcel doesn't like Natalie, no wait, jealous instinct was right, now I have reason to listen to it in the future". I'm just ranting so don't take this personally, I'm just pissed at this whole thing. It's weird there is no sadness, feeling of loss, just bad feelings that are converted into hate because that's the only way I can deal with them. I can express hate, I can express anger. I find myself hating. Hating Natalie, hating Marcel, hating myself. Hating everything. Like if by hating Natalie it will be that easier to get over her, which I know is something I've done in the past, all I have to do is build a biased case in my head, and then erase the contradictory evidence. The hating my best friend however is new to me, and needs to stop. I would be lost without him, I would have no way of communicating with another human being. Who else would put up with my bullshit? Hating myself? I'm ok with this. It gives me a reason to change, a raison d'être if you will. I can channel it, all of it into self improvement, into that second wind when I think I'm about to break.

This whole thing has made me sour, my brain keeps thinking stupid things "Oh there's other girls. Ok there is, but if I bring them home then Marcel will fall in love with them and steal them from me". This is my brain being an asshole. I know this won't happen. I think trust issues got worse. This is somewhat positive, it won't happen again, and each time, it gets a little easier. I never thought this would change things so much, I also never realized how easily a friendship could be destroyed by a girl, he could have just as easily chosen her.

I feel better. More sit-ups needed.

They're Doing Something With The Body Parts That We Don't Fully Understand

(We Run On The Fumes Of Angels Dust, We'll Never Die With The Fuel That You Give Us)
I'm not completely adhering to my outlined plan from last night, but I am feeling better. I've taken to channeling my emotions not creatively, but physically. The workouts are helping the numbing process, I just try as hard as I can for as long as I can, and just when I feel like I'm going to break, I channel in some of that frustration or anger, and I keep going. It's weird, I feel... stronger; if that makes any sense. More powerful maybe? But I figure this is a more healthy way that just chowing down or just suffering. Things are going to get worse before they get better, but I see the path and it won't take long. I talked to her again today, and I even tried to maintain the conversation. I guess soon I'll be jacked?

Merry Fucking Christmas. (You, Can't, Kill, Me, I'm, Already, Inside, You)

(If the pain goes on, I'm not going to make it!)
Ever notice how when you cut yourself, everything you bump into after hits that exact spot? I am currently alone. I don’t think I’ve ever been so alone. It’s Christmas eve; well Christmas now I guess. I am stuck here by myself I have no one to talk to, no one to message, the only people I would usually talk to about my problems with are currently both of the people I am having issues with. Natalie is my go to girl to talk to about girl problems, so I clearly can't talk to her at all. Marcel is the other and he is just too close to the situation now. It's getting worse now. It's like all of the reasons I swore off emotions we're lost to me, and slowly I'm remembering them all. 


Stage 1:
-I obsess. This was probably the first thing to come back.
-I do stupid things, or at least notice and care more. 
Stage 2:
-The panic attacks. They've gotten pretty bad at times.
-I can't sleep.
Stage 3:
- I am indecisive. I can't make decisions. Which is just fucking awesome.
- I can't take criticism anymore, joking or not. It's fucked up, if someone jokingly says something negative about me, my eyes get all watery. I don't feel like I'm going to cry, my eyes just get watery. Then I panic and think people are going to think I'm crying which makes it worse. I had forgotten this, and it sucks fucking balls. 
Stage 4:
- Depression. I'm down all the goddamn time now.

Fuck whatever is supposed to be next. I can do anything. I can take anything. I am invincible. There's nothing that I haven't before and won't be able to in the future deal with. I'm going back. I remember it more now, I didn't do this just because I felt like it, I did this out of necessity. I need this. I just need sometime away from people to get this started, a few nights listening to music, thinking, and finding that peaceful place inside me. The place where nothing matters. I am going to pick something else to focus on right now, I've been working out with some basic exercises to angry music, I feel better. As for Natalie. That ship has clearly fucking sailed, time to man up and move on. I won't be talking to her for at least the next five days, whether she starts the conversation or not. After that, if she still tries to say hello, I will respond but my answers will be limited, I will not proactively seek contact with her.  


I am free. I am unbreakable. Just go ahead and try.

Feel it all slipping away

Ok so would anyone else consider this a mixed message? We're chatting and she sends me a link to what she's getting on boxing day, it's lingerie. She. Sent me. A like. To a lingerie site. This will be the death of me, on top of the whole Clusterfuck that is this whole situation, I keep trying, fuck this, fuck all of this. Fuck this girl, fuck that night, fuck this situation, fuck this whole fucking fucked up fuck.

Then: (and sometimes now)
I love her laugh,
I love her smile,
I love the way she say "awwe" to eveything
I love her deep brown eyes,
I love the way she stares at me when we talk

Now: (always now)
I hate her crooked fucking teeth,
I hate her heartless cackle,
I hate the sound of her squeaky voice,
I hate her shit stained eyes,
I hate the way I feel when I'm near her, or think of her,


I've never experienced such a goddamn split between opinions on one subject let alone to those extremes. I spent half my drive away from the apartment screaming lyrics to angry songs, and the other half laughing like Tyler Durden when he got the shit kicked out of him by Lou.

PICK UP THE PACE

So I almost accidentally got her to go to a movie with me today. She asked me what I was doing, I said a movie, she said "With Marcel?", I said no, and I quickly realized where this might be heading, I then changed it to cleaning the apartment. I just needed a day away from her. Even though we spent pretty much the entire day chatting on facebook. Good job on minimizing contact self. So fuck trying to give up and trying to get with her, I'm just going to do whatever the fuck I feel like until this is over. I'm back on the dating site trying to bury Natalie with some other girl I can distract myself with. Also I don't think "The Return" is going to happen, my December has been to busy, maybe in April. Hockey tomorrow, hopefully ankle is back to full strength.

Redemption: part 2

So she came over again, which kinda sucked, I had a whole night of sulking and relaxing planned out. I waited for her to show up, I was not anxious, I didn't plot, I simply waited. When she got here I had started on my second drink, she tried it and asked me to pour her one, I did. She then said "oh if we're drinking I might just crash here then". I don't think any girl in the history of the world has made me flip flop on emotions like this, my brain immediately switched gears, I tried my best to ignore it. When I sat down I sat at the edge of the couch. There was a whole other couch for her to sit on, and two others for that matter, but she sat right next to me, almost uncomfortably so, as I couldn't move my arm around her, and play the game she brought. So I figure it was just nothing, and keep playing. I don't remember the exact conversation that led to this but she said "I think Marcel's still pissed about last time" she said this while laughing, I said "No I talked to him, he said he didn't care". Not out of malice just reflexively. She seemed to consider this a moment and no further comments on the subject were made. Marcel was supposed to arrive at 11:00 but lost his job and arrived home early, the exact second he walked in the door she shifted away. Her whole body language changed, she drew her legs in and then held them in place with her arms. Anyway nothing else really notable happened, I again clung to her saying that she might stay the night, but she left again. I miss sleep. I give up. And this time... I mean it. It's weird giving up seems to make me not want to spend time with her any more, I almost felt annoyed at the end before she left. It reminds me of another girl I had a crush on for a short time, after giving up I felt a strange resentment towards her, which eventually led to straight up hate. She was and still is a bitch, but I can't help but feel like this is a bad coping mechanism that ends up pushing a lot of people away. Today's topic: No paragraphs, and no structure. Fuck. This. Week.

"Reality is only an opinion"

So the "redemption" happened tonight. She came over. I'm pretty sure this is a lost cause. Here is the series of events as I interpreted them.

1. We're talking online, and she says, "I'm bored, I kinda feel like driving into Kingston for nooooo reason", I interpret this as I want to drive to Kingston so I say "Lol you should come over, My room mate is working and I'm bored". She says "I can if you want, I'm doing fuck all", I say "Hell yea" <- not actual quote. So at this point I interpret, I'm driving 10 minutes taking a 20 minute ferry and then driving another 20 minutes to get to your house, just because I can.

2. She comes over and she has brought movies, so we select one and sit down to watch it, I put my arm around her, and she leans in, we stay this way the whole movie, I don't try anything I'm still waiting for "that" moment. (it doesn't arrive). All in all at this point I feel pretty good, like maybe things are looking up, she mentions its freezing rain outside and half mentions not wanting to drive, I interpret this as a good sign in my favor.

3. Drive roommate home, put in second movie, put around her like I did before.... Nothing, no lean in, no shuffle closer, nothing. Well shit, I guess I can cling to the hope that she'll stay, nope she leaves. Ok so at this point, I'm leaning towards this isn't going to happen.

So yea I guess that's it. I'm not going to actively shun her but I'm not going to put forth the effort as much to chat/hang out with, I'll see if I can't kill this quietly. After she left I was disappointed but what has followed has been kind of serene and peaceful, I haven't slept in a few days so maybe I'm finally crashing. I think I'm done, I can't wait for the invincibility that should follow.

"Feet fail me not this may be the only opportunity that I got"

When recovering, one should not plan on a relapse.

So she may be coming over Wednesday. I don't have a plan. Besides having the apartment to ourselves, my only real game plan is to wait for "the moment". I'm sure you know the moment. That brief second when time stops and your staring into each others eyes... leaning in.... and then some asshole or something random comes in to ruin it. With apartment to myself I think I can generate a moment and be safe in not having it ruined. This is my only plan. Here goes everything. I hope to god this works, I don't know how I'll find someone else I feel this way about. I am confident. This will work. It just has to.

"I'm past the point of breaking and I'm Not sure if I'm a gonna make it I'll keep this gift from breaking as long as you believe."

I know I've used this title before but it fits now more than ever. I am king of putting my eggs all in one basket.

So I think I figured it out. The portal that will allow me to travel back and forth between what I am and what I was. Empathy. In order to connect to people you must empathize with them and their situations. Which isn't all that hard to do just  expose yourself to them and listen to them. Or to reverse this trend just stop paying attention, and become really really selfish. This isn't a step by step guide but it's a start in the process of understanding what happened.

I think I want to go back. I feel vulnerable, weak and open. Things I haven't felt in a long time. To live like this and be committed to the lifestyle you have to trust people, something I hate. On one hand it's nice to think you can count on people but they will always let you down eventually. Now I harbor no resentment towards Marcel because he did not intend to slight me, it's just something that happened. First the Natalie thing when I thought he was trying to make a move on her, that feeling I couldn't describe was betrayal. I felt betrayed by the only person I had trusted. The reason this messed with me so much was because I don't experience this often. Next he tells a friend of ours about the Natalie situation after I had asked him not to. Again he forgot, mistakes happen, but at the time it really irked me. But now I am forced to trust two people as I have requested the information not be repeated anywhere else but between the three of us. Not that I don't trust our friend, It's just that I don't trust anyone.

Having said that if I had to trust any one with anything it would be Marcel, and I don't think I can change that. I've had friends and even best friends stab me in the back before, but I trust Marcel. It took probably until just as late as this summer but I can't think of anyone I've trusted more ever.

So I guess I have some choices to make, because even if I know the process to switch back and forth, the process still took 2 years there and so far almost 4 back, and I still don't know if I'm missing anything. I certainly am encountering everything I hated about before, the only positive being the girl situation.

So on with another rant:
Natalie. I have no idea what I'm doing. I am still going to try to make a physical move. If I can get her here. The only chance I have is on home turf with an empty apartment. This way I can control the most elements of the situation. If I get my second chance and blow it, or if something else puts a permanent kibosh on it, I don't know if I can deal with that. Sure there are other girls, just it's been 3 and a half years since I met a normal one that I was able to do anything with. I don't think I can wait again. I can't live in a world where  missed a chance that blatant, I'd go back. If I had to pick one thing I missed it would have to be having nothing to lose. The peace in knowing you can't fuck up hardly at all.

Here goes nothing, and here goes everything.

"It is my hope that you can save me from this darkeness"

So good news! I think. Maybe. I don't know. I was just playing some video games when I hear the message indicator from my facebook. It's Natalie. She instigated a conversation. This is itself made me extremely happy. I see this a signal that she wants to talk to me, I'm not some guy who just keeps messaging her. Nearing the end of the conversation she says she will be back in seven days and that we should drink then. I don't think I've been so happy ever. She again invited herself over to drink, which is an overnight thing in itself because she can't drive and her place is too far to cab. This means one more chance. I can do this. I will do this. My plan is to have Marcel not be there first of all. I will be 1000 times more comfortable. My plan is to make a move. I don't know what I'm thinking just lean in for the kiss, but I'm going to just play it by ear.

The only nagging doubt is that she might just be coming over to chat/drink as friends. Just to shore up the facts of this relationship/friendship. Either way this is the defining moment, if I don't make a move now I will be lost (if I'm not already). Everyone always wants a second chance rarely do they get one, and rarer still do they fix their mistake.

I feel super-confident which is awesome and will benefit me. I don't think I've ever been so sure of anything in my life. The only thing I have to focus on now is actually setting a drinking date. Step by step, brick by brick, I can do this.

"Home is whenever I'm Alone With You"

New game. Try to make as many sweeping and yet contradicting declarations in the shortest time frame possible and see how long you can be considered reliable for. I was talking to Natalie on MSN just now, and I was asking about her trip and after a little while of chatting, she sent: "Sososososo when I come back we should hang". I. Don't. Know. What. My. Feelings. Are. Doing. I guess I still want to try because she actually seems enthused about seeing me again. I really think that given the chance I could get somewhere. So I guess I'm going to continue onward with this quest. At least until I receive some minor set back or have another blatant realization.

You know what I miss? Decisiveness. The ability to make choices and stick with them, or at least pick the right one the first time. Such is the price I guess. My life is average.

"I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real"

Somewhere I belong. So things have changed. As they always do. I keep hoping I've made progress and thinking that nothing's changed. Well at least I was before I went back and read some of my original posts. Jesus are things different. So I guess I'm happy that I am a noticeably different person, on the other hand I've been wondering what if this was the easy part, what if the hard conversion is going back? Which I guess doesn't matter, because I'm happy. Right?

Anyway so like I said things have changed, with some time and distance I caught on to a blatantly obvious and devastating fact. I was explaining the Sunday story with a girl a work, looking for some advice, when at the very beginning of the story I stopped myself. It was right around and the "Ok which bed am I sleeping in?" part. When it dawned on me, not only did I 100% miss a sure thing (not that I wanted a one night stand for my first time), but she also had no preference to me over Marcel. Which hit me at that moment pretty hard. She came over to do one of us, she didn't care who, she just wanted to get laid. For some reason I felt insulted and at the same time retarded for not realizing this as a fact from the start. You only see what you want to see I guess.

So I guess that's my reason to give up. It kinda stings still as I really like(d?) Natalie. I have also half considered that while even at the time she had no preference, is it not possible any feelings might have developed from that night? But even if that is the case I am still bothered. I wasn't anything, I was just one of a possible two choices.

The girl from my work offered to take me out and get me laid, to which I replied "maybe". I have no idea what I want. I will again sit idle and wait.

Also had a short heart to heart with my roommate last night he apologized for cock blocking me. His reasoning that if I hadn't been bothered by him at first maybe I would've tried harder with Natalie. The apology was appreciated if unnecessary, I wouldn't have changed anything, I still would've hesitated.

So this I guess means I am less invested in Natalie, I still like her though so I guess that didn't really change, but I think I might change up my tactics from focused to scatter-shot, and just try to ask as many girls out as possible.

"I'm passed the point of breaking and I'm Not sure if I'm a gonna make it I'll keep this gift from breaking as long as you believe."

So I don't know. I am starting to realize that girls are interchangeable, the feelings come and go, all you need is a warm body. Don't get me wrong I do like Natalie and right now she's really the most realistic prospect I have, but I am pretty sure if another girl came along I'd have no problem with the transition. That being said, the closeness I felt with Natalie was I think amplified by my preexisting feelings towards her. I felt nothing when I was with Cayla, the cuddling was nice but I was bothered by her train-wreck-ness.

I feel like I've had too much to drink and no I'm going to be sick and have a hangover in the morning, I'm just looking for a way to either sleep it off or drink until I'm dead. I almost wish she were leaving, then I could ignore and forget her. But nooooo the universe has different plans in which I suffer much longer. I wonder how many times I can flip flop opinions in one post.

Sleep comes now, all I have to do is wait, just like always I will wait. Until forever ends.

"I think therefore I suffer"

So I am now regretting never trying harder with Natalie in high school, could spent that time building something, instead didn't. This still bothers me, I can all but still feel her fingers tracing circles on my chest.

Hockey is progressing well, I am playing 5 days a week and am usually super tired come Friday and despite some setbacks as of recently, such as having to relearn some basic positioning and overcoming a fear of the puck, I think I am really making a lot of progress. I can skate a whole game now, I don't need a rest every 5 minutes, and usually play for the whole 2 hours if they let us. I am interested to see how well I would do at the beep test now.

I got my skates profiled today I'm hoping this will be a game changer, I had some issues with movement to my glove side, and the guy says this should help.

As for the puck shyness I was doing well until I caught a slap shot to my arm near my elbow, it left a bump and a blood blister, at the time I couldn't hold on to my stick for a minute or so. I have to keep focusing on watching the puck and staying square to the shooter.

This usually works out fine until I get the occasional vivid flashback and I have to focus on the situation at hand, I'm really hoping this goes away soon, I miss sleep.

"Everyday I'm Shufflin"

So long day today. Got up played hockey, got my tax return filed, and bought groceries, carry $150 in groceries up to apartment by myself in one trip, put everything away, only to find this message on MSN:
Natalie: Hey you should check your phone, I was in Kingston earlier I wanted to see if you were free to hang out.
Me: Fuck.
I then calmly explained that my phone is out of money and texted her my temp number. But this makes me happy, I'm glad she was serious about wanting to hang out again, also she got into school in Kingston, which means more time for me to plot and pine.

In related news Hockey Chick, declined my invitation to coffee, citing life issues or something, which is good because I keep forgetting how awkward first dates are.

I guess that's it.

"Just like you cannot un-know, you also cannot un-send"

So I did it. I told her. It nearly killed me but I did it. The moment she came online I couldn't breath, no doubt my body's attempt to kill me in order to prevent me from completing said task. I immediately forgot what I planned to tell her, and had to bring up the previous post to proceed. The one where I said, it had been a disaster so far, and would probably continue as such. Well check it out.

So I laid it all out, I told her how I felt, I straight up told another human being how I honestly felt about them, and I didn't burst into flames. It went pretty good considering how invested I was in this. She told me much the same of what I expected, she wasn't looking for a relationship. I told her that was fine. I went in with all the subtlety of a warhammer wielding orc.

Me:                                 heyy


Natalie:                                 hello

Me:                                 sup?

Natalie:                                 nothing much being lazy you?

Me:                                 not too much just lazing around

Natalie:                                 oh nice

Me:                                 so about sunday

Natalie:                                 sunday?

Me:                                 i mean last sunday

Natalie:                                 ohh

Natalie:                                 xD

Natalie:                                 I was like "shit did I plan something?"

Natalie:                                 D:

    Me:                             i know you said you weren't looking for a relationship and I get that, but I've beenn thinking these last couple days, and I really like you, and I do want to pursue something, I don't expect anything from this conversation, it's just something I really needed to say
                                I guess I mean i two sundays ago XD

    Natalie:                             hmmm I do like you don't get me wrong, but honestly I don't think a relationship in that way would be good, I don't think I could deal with that at this moment in time. But I still would love to hang out and spend time together when I can : ]

Me:                                 so 100% as friends correct?

    Natalie:                             yes :] because I don't think a relationship can fit into my life and honestly I don't want to fuck up anymore with people are care about right now D;

I threw that last part in there to crush any hope seeds that might have resulted from that spectacle. It didn't. Because as it turns out she's staying. She's. Motherfucking. Staying. If I knew that going in, I would have just waited for another opportunity. I was pretty sure I could drum one up if I got the chance. I just needed time. Time was something I thought I didn't have, so I figured desperation effort was the ticket. I still stand by my theory that I can garner another shot, I just have to be patient. Patient is something I can do, she did seem enthusiastic about hanging out again.

This whole disaster has been a great learning experience if nothing else. In other related news I wimped out and sent hockey chick a message, asking her to coffee. Hopefully that goes well. I think I can finally sleep now. I got some closure. Oh and stay tuned for "The return" coming in late December.

"Burn Burn, The Life That You Can Choose, Burn Burn, The Hate That Get's You Through, Burn Burn, For Us, For Them, For You"

Ok so after carefully reviewing (read: obsessing) the situation, it was brought to my attention that maybe I should, you know, talk to her. The simplicity and perfectness of this answer boggles my mind. I've been here before, getting ready to spill my heart out to a girl whose about to leave. I like this option, it gives me some control over the situation, also closure. Mostly closure.

Apparently not only am I within my rights to want something based on that night, but should have spoken up a lot sooner. I'm not saying that I demand for something, but it's nice to know I have some basis for the upcoming conversation. Again I don't want to plan word for word, because I'll end up messing some part up and getting flustered but I also want a general outline of what I'm going to say. I think it ought to sound like this:

- About that night
- I don't know how you feel but I feel (X), and I want (Y)
-  I know you're leaving for school, and I know you said you weren't looking for a relationship, I just wanted to tell you how I felt.

Short and to the point, just like a band-aid it won't be too awkward for long. This will solve me wondering what's going to happen (I know probably nothing), and if she "rejects" me (quotes because it's not so much a question as it is a statement), then we probably won't talk much which means less exposure which means time to heal. So worst case scenario = win-win-win, best case scenario = win-win-win. I seem to have fucked it up pretty badly from here, so It'll be interesting to see me try to recover or crash and burn, either way it will be entertaining.

Now all I have to do is wait for her to come online, or something.

"And I don't think you see the places inside me that I find you."

So I guess I'm not done ranting yet. I am going to see if I can describe the base emotions. You wouldn't think how are you feeling would be a difficult question, but usually I have trouble narrowing down past just positive/negative. I think I finally know how to put into words what the shit is bothering me. It came to me in a (day)dream.

The lyrics to roadside popped into my head "Tell me what I'm supposed to do, With all these left over feelings of you.". That's exactly what it is. I spent nearly 10 hours in constant physical contact with someone, I'm sure it's perfectly normal to feel some sort of emotional bond during such a time. Something tells me that while awesome to me, this probably ranks pretty low on the scale of meaningful nights. Another part of me wants to scream, doesn't this mean anything? Don't I mean anything? Are we anything? I'm kind of glad my rational mind is in control because I'm pretty sure saying anything of those things would make me sound like a psycho. I am angry, and disappointed. I haven't had much contact with her since, and nothing has been said about that night. Like it didn't happen. I feel like I'm nothing. God this sounds ridiculous. Is this normal? Do people sound like this?

I keep thinking "oh look, no girl has made me this insane, therefore love", and It's like no! Just because she makes you feel strongly, if it's not a positive emotion, it's probably not a good idea to keep thinking that way. Basically you should never look at your love interest and say "Oh my god a girl that hurts, she's perfect".

I love when I'm playing hockey and she pops in my head. The sudden surge of emotion and the instinct to drown it out with physical stimuli really improves my game. It's almost like a second wind, I'll play until the only thing I feel is my lungs burning for air, and my legs giving out from under me.

Songs. A hobby of mine whenever a girl I like enters my life is to immediately assign her a song to which I can obsess over her over. This one has been difficult but I think I've got it, which means we should see a resurgence in Good Left Undone - Rise Against. If only for the line: "All because of you, I haven't slept in so long...". Sleep would be nice. I think I got a large portion of what bothered me out, should be betterish now.

I didn't know coffee didn't actually mean coffee

Today's topic: Missed opportunities.

As you can see when I'm upset I have lots to say. That is to say I lack the ability to shut the fuck up. So I've been thinking (because that's all there is to do when you're in bed not sleeping). I think I've been obsessing over this for a few reasons.
- The experience elicits a strong emotional response that I am not used to. Equal parts positive and devastating if I had to guess.
- I missed out. As it turns out people are more likely to respond to offers that are for a limited time, as it is an innate human response to fear missing out. For me especially, I've had other situations that I've missed out on that made me react in similar ways.

The part that bothers me the most?
I can say I had a topless drunk girl in my bed and I didn't try anything. I DIDN'T EVEN TRY!

I have a hard time thinking about it without being consumed by the memory. I don't know if I want to forget, I like that someone made me feel this way, it's proof that it can and likely will happen again with someone else. The music is helping? I don't know, I find it easier to ignore thoughts while focusing on lyrics and melodies. Daytime is better now, as long as I'm with someone it keeps my mind of it. Nighttime is worse, it always is. But hey it's better than the anxiety attacks.

So what, like 20 days now until she can maybe hang out? *SIGH* Is this helping? I'm hoping if I just get it the hell out of my system then it will be better. I forgot how much crushes suck.

Can't make her real...

Christ this feels like a physical addiction, I had the most vivid dream ever. I woke up in a cold sweat, I keep getting flashbacks to Sunday. This can't be healthy. There's more than one girl out there, I can wait. I keep thinking I missed my chance and at the same time forgetting that I'm supposed to be waiting. I only wish laying down to sleep didn't induce the obsession. Sleep now. I hope.

"You don't have to fight to maintain control of the situation."

Today's topic: Giving up.

Finally something I'm an expert in. So I went and consulted a girl about my current situation. She thinks I blew any chance I might have had. Based almost solely on the fact that Natalie was quick to be busy all of December, and not be more willing/ or appear to be more proactive at trying to hang out again in the near future. Kind of depressing I was hoping for a much more positive outlook on the situation, now am more disheartened.

This bothers me. A lot. Better yet I don't know why this bothers me. At all. I had a great night, and the apparent prospect of it probably never happening with her again is apparently life interrupting. I can't seem to get it out of my head. Instead of focusing on the positives, I keep going over perceived mistakes, and hating myself for them.

Is this what I've been working towards? The same insecurities and fears that I had before? What I always thought was funny, I'd talk with my family about my life in general, stuff about my dad going to prison, my horse dying and my life in general going to shit, and they'd always say that I handled it well and that they probably couldn't do the same. I thought it funny because really it's not hard, it's as easy as giving up. As easy as saying "I don't care". The ones who are really strong are the ones who choose to feel every second of it. The ones who are willing to weather the up and the mostly downs time and again.

I like that I can (or at least have before) just quit whenever I want. I think it might take a few days to get used to again. I miss not worrying about anything. The confidence you have in knowing that even if you do fuck up, it doesn't matter. No hassles, no obsessing, just peace. I think another big reason it attracts me, is the prospect of control. Control over my feelings and therefore a more logical psychological and physiological response in everyday situations. I'm very all or nothing, if one thing doesn't matter, then nothing does. It's actually a part of the law of human internal consistencies, people are more likely to act like how they perceive themselves and also how they think others perceive them. Therefore if I perceive myself as cold hearted and emotionless, than that's how I will act, and therefore become.

Now all that being said, I don't think I want to be that person. It took me this long to get semi used to being an open person, and since I've started it has lead to an increase in prospects and dates, and so far the downs have been worth the ups. In the back of my mind I hold on to just a few tidbits of hope, little perfect glimmering memories of Sunday and the conversation the day after that go against the theory (which sounds like an awesome band name).
- She mentions in bed that she wants to meet my family (could mean nothing but it sounds positive).
- She mentions that while in school she does have a car, and that she will try to make it back for visits (that's right plural of visit).
- She stayed in bed almost 3 hours after having woken up, and showed no real hurry to get out or leave.
I think that's all the hope fuel I need to forge ahead. I can cling to that for awhile, she did say maybe to a hang out sometime after the 20th. So that's what I'll wait for. I give up on giving up.

"The ends justify the means, and it's not over yet, so shut up, strap in, and pray"

           So yea, I feel... well that in itself  is news, even if it is awful. It's kinda like when you have a nightmare and have that god awful feeling that you've done something wrong, and when you wake up you're so relieved it didn't happen. That's how I feel minus the relieved part.

While I'm proud I did anything with Natalie I think I should have tried for more. As Marcel pointed out later she was probably here to get laid. Which turned my night of awesomeness into: "oohhhhhh.... Fuck." So I figured well whatever she'll be around, I can always work towards it, she doesn't leave for school until like may or some shit. Or you know January 9th. Again, Fuck. Ok well at least I still have some time before she leaves. Or you know, none because she's booked up at work, and then going out of town for a week. So bottom line she said she could try to make room for me sometime after that. So I might be able to see her again 21 days from now. Ok fine at least she can't be moving that far away for school. Or you know, Hamilton which is like 4 hours away.

Now as for Marcel's theory the evidence is as follows (in rough chronological order):
- Natalie breaks up with boyfriend.
- Natalie starts talking to me again.
- Natalie half invites her self over to drink, and to stay overnight.
- Natalie mentions a year or so back that she gets kinda slutty when she drinks (I'm not saying she does, I'm just saying that's what I was told).
- Natalie states that she will be spending the night in one of our beds.
- Natalie spends night in bed.
- Natalie "Doesn't mind" if I don't wearing pants.
- Natalie "Is too hot" and takes off top. So just to recap so far, she's basically naked in my bed, and we're both moderately drunk.
- Natalie States that she's not looking for a relationship, (not to me asking, but just kind of says it in conversation)
- I'm a dumb ass who could have easily misread the whole situation (This should be at the beginning).

Evidence against this theory:
- Natalie mentions that she doesn't usually have sex on first dates.
- If she wanted sex, she would have said something right? Right?
- Or at least like touched it right?
- Life would reeeally suck if I missed this, so ipso facto Marcel's wrong.

So as you can see Marcel's theory is complete bogus.

Now as for what's going to happen. I have no idea, and that terrifies me. I've never stood to loose so much. I mean if she liked me, wouldn't she try harder to be able to hang out? She did agree to maybe hanging out again, but the maybe bothers me, is it a cop out or is she going to be busy? She did in the morning mention wanting to meet my mom, which I thought strange, and I have no idea how serious she was. The more I over-analyze this, the more I'm pretty sure this was nothing, that the something was supposed to happen that night, and that I've missed my chance for good. I keep thinking in my head that this will be nearly impossible to live with, but part of me knows this is stupid that I'll get over it. I don't know if I want to. I've never bonded with someone so quickly in my entire life, I felt comfortable, she could have asked anything and I would have told her. I trusted someone, and I didn't die. I guess that in itself is a step forward. I think I'm going to have to (much like every time I have a prospect) just wait. In the meantime I think I'm going to ask hockey chick to coffee this week. That ought to take my mind off of this. I miss thinking normally as much as I did cuddling.

"Reality is in the details, and this, this is my attempt at depicting reality."

I have these little bit and pieces, all equally important, but I can't seem to make them all fit together fluidly. I am going to try and make this as vivid and as verbatim as possible. So every detail I remember will be going in here.

So Sunday. Sunday Sucked. Monday in the very early morning was awesome. Sunday's at work are always the closest thing in the world to getting paid for doing nothing. However this time, they found a use for us, and we were busy dealing with annoying customers for 12 hours, which normally wouldn't be bad but normally on Sundays it's so dead we can go home very early, which would have been awesome because that's when Natalie was coming over.

I get home at 12:20 AM to find Marcel/Natalie already drunk/in process of getting drunker. She was sitting next to him and at the time it bothered me a little. But I figured Marcel wouldn't do anything, because he knows I was planning on making a move that night. So I set about catching up drinking-wise. I noticed Marcel had his arm around her, at which point I was bothered a lot, at this point after having a shitty day I figured it was just going to continue this way so I then proceeded to quit my original plan and just get shitfaced and pass out.

We drank until 3:30 AM at which point we all kind of decided it was time to sleep, we all proceeded to walk down the hallway towards the bedrooms, when she piped up "So who am I rooming with", to which I quickly replied "You can sleep with me" (I guess I hadn't given up after all, I don't think I would have said it if I hadn't been so drunk. So she followed me into my room.

At first we were both pretty much clothed, she had her top and some shorts on, and I had pants (because fuck pajamas/shorts). She laid down next to me, and kind of snuggled up close to me. I could smell her perfume. I asked if she minded if I put my arm around her. She said "No, go for it.". The closeness was nice, I keep forgetting how much I missed that. I kept realizing that I was forgetting to breath. I was half paranoid that my breathing down her neck might bother her.  After a while I realized pants were not a good option for sharing a bed, I complained about the heat, she said I could take them off. We lay together for awhile talking about nothing in particular. After awhile she took off her top, also because of the heat. Bonus.

I said "you and Marcel seemed to hit it off", and I don't remember her exact response, what she said boiled down to"I don't really know him that well". I suddenly felt a lot better, but also at the same time like an asshole for just snatching her away at the end of the night, when he probably spent the better part of the night chatting her up. She said she hoped we weren't keeping him up with our chatting/laughing which got kind of loud at times, because she thought it seemed like kinda of a slap in the face. I worried this might cause an issue. The last thing I wanted would be to have a huge fight with my best friend over a girl, I decided I would try to ignore it for the time being.

We spent most of the night just talking and cuddling. Talking about family, past relationships, feelings etc. I don't remember the last time I felt so close and so comfortable with someone. She mentioned that she wasn't really looking for a relationship at the moment. I agreed for two reasons; I wanted to seem not clingy, and I really don't know if I could manage one right now. I have to thank the filter in my brain that stops me from saying stupid things, I imagine that I would have messed it up otherwise. I did however tell her "I like you", to which she replied "Oh yea?". I think there was more to that conversation but I don't remember.

Eventually she leaned in close, I snuggled closer to her, and I was pretty sure we were going to kiss. It was funny because until that moment I hadn't realized how dry my mouth was. Again I remembered breathing was something that my body required. I'm sure none of this is a big deal to anyone else, but for whatever reason, to me, this ritual was intoxicating. I was in bed, my bed, with a pretty girl, and I don't think I could have been happier. This was probably the best night of my life to date. We ended up making out for a time. I never realized how soothing it could be to have someone stroke your hair. I think were awake until 6:30 AM and kind of dozed on and off together for a few hours and eventually woke up around 11:30 AM, we ended up talking until about 1 PM.

We got up and moved into the living room, Marcel was on the couch already, and I moved to my spot from last night and she to hers. I half expected him to be angry, I tried my hardest not to smile. We sat talking and listening to music until Marcel started Superbad, and again I noticed Marcel's arm around her, I wasn't bothered at first, I figured the night before meant something, I don't know what, but I felt secure for a while anyway.  Now I know, Natalie and I aren't dating, but I figured Marcel, would have cooled it at this point, now it was probably innocent and it was me being a jealous prick, but for whatever reason I couldn't help but let it bother me. So I just did my best to ignore it until she left. She left after the movie and Marcel and I proceeded to talk about the incident. Apparently he didn't care as much as I thought he would, and we thankfully didn't keep him up all night, I didn't really ask about the arm thing, but I don't know what answer I would expect from him.

I have written everything above as it happened, or at least how I saw it. I have not embellished anything. I am now just stuck here wondering, what does it mean? Was this just a one time thing? Is she interested in meeting again under similar circumstances? Was she just looking for a one night stand? Would she consider a relationship? This will undoubtedly bother me for a while. I haven't felt this range of differing and confusing emotions in a long time. When I am overwhelmed I tend to break everything down, focus on the easy solutions or work on the issue bit by bit until I understand it. After thinking about it, I think I want to pursue a relationship with her, I don't know if I'll get that opportunity and I think that's what bothers me the most. On a side note I am happy that I followed through with my plan and succeeded in doing so.

For now I guess I should formulate a plan. I really want to see her again, and am paranoid to message her right away for fear of seeming clingy. Anyway that's it for now. This has been a reality-check broadcast.

I want to live like common people

Nov 25 2011, 12:15 AM

So here we are again. I am free now. I don’t know if that means to me what it might mean to you. I am free now, and I don’t know what to do. I quit school, because… well because I don’t want to go. I don’t know when or if I’ll go back. That’s all on that for right now. I think I want to have a few adventures first. I want to just drop everything and leave, just drive as far as I can to nowhere in particular, just because I can. I want to get a tattoo. I don’t know what I want; I just want one to say I did it. I’m drawn to the line from Fight Club (the book): “I don’t want to die without any scars”.

There’s a girl coming over on Sunday. She came over on Tuesday already. I think we were flirting? I really just want to hold someone. To have another warm body near my own for a while. We used to flirt a few years back, but I wasn’t interested at the time and when I did become interested she was already taken. She’s single now. She kind of invited herself over for Tuesday. “I should come and visit” is what she said. When she was here, she sat next to me, and kind of shuffled closer and closer, and at once point zipped open her shirt a bit. I very much wanted to put my arm around her. The best I could manage was to brush her arm “accidentally” every now and again. We talked after she left on msn and she said we should drink on Sunday night to Monday, meaning she’s spending the night, which I took as a hint. Is that a hint? So she’s invited herself over twice, this time for an overnight visit.  That’s a sign right? Not just wishful thinking? I think I like her. A lot. She’s nice. Pretty. Normal. I can’t emphasize that last one enough. I am going to make a move on Sunday. I will at least put my arm around her. I will claw my way out of my shell and for once in my life, and try. This can mean something, this can be the day that everything changes, this can be the day I fix everything, or really, this can be the same day it’s always been.

There are a few other girls too. One that I met on that dating site, we’re supposed to meet soon, however my phone is out of money for the time being, so I guess that will have to wait. There’s another one at work, who apparently wants to do me. I’ve taken this knowledge and set in motion a plan to fuck with her mind and the person that told me. Just because. The final girl shows up at hockey every now and again usually about 3 times a week. She’s kinda cute. I might ask her to coffee but for now I’ll focus on Natalie (Sunday girl) until that falls through. 

Hockey is going well. Some days anyway. Some days I feel unstoppable, others I feel like I couldn’t stop a beach ball. But I suppose it’s all a part of the learning process. I am getting in better shape and losing weight, I am trying to play 5 days a week. I am planning on using my tax return money ($1400) to buy new custom tailored leg pads. 35”+3” and a custom graphic.

So that’s what’s new. I am free and I don’t know what to do. I am free, and I am afraid.